Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.


Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.


Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.



Ross: [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink.
Chandler: And a LEMON LIME.
Ross: You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Joey: And last but not least.
[Monica receives her gift]
Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.


Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.


[pounding a scone]
Ross: Stupid British snack food.
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?


[In response to a stupid comment]
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.


Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!
Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it!



Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldn't.


Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.


Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?


Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.


Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!


Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!


Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.


Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!
Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!


Monica: You don't like the game, because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.


Phoebe: [Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?


Ross: What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!


Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.

Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.


Janice: [repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!


Chandler: [after a resident has come on to Monica] Is there anyone in this building who hasn't tried to hit on you?
Monica: Well, there's Smokes-a-lot-Lady.
[thinks]
Monica: Wait a minute, that is not true.


Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?
Chandler: Well, we actually missed it.
Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!


Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.


Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.


Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!


Monica: Hi.
Chandler: You are not gonna believe what I did today.
Monica: Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.
[pause]
Chandler: Although, I hope they don't.
Monica: Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?
Chandler: Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!
Monica: What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler: Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.
Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it's awesome.
Monica: You think this is clever?
Chandler: Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica: Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.
Chandler: Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.
Monica: Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.
Chandler: Come on, he wont even know what they mean.
Monica: He's seven, not stupid.
Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica: All right, I'm just going to unplug it...
Chandler: No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!
[Monica unplugs it]
Chandler: Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!
Monica: You gotta beat your scores.
Chandler: With the claw?
Monica: Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".
Chandler: Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!


Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!


Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
Chandler: Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe: Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!


Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again.
Chandler: Never.
Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman.
Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: [pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Come on!
Rachel: [unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off.
[runs over to office door where his pants are hanging]
Chandler: Hello, sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out?
Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.


Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!


Chandler: The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."
Monica: The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'


Phoebe: Oh, my God! The foster puppets!