1. When a twilight fan says 'twilight rocks' say 'rocks made of twilight?'
2. Go up to a twilight fan, scream 'Bella! Bella! BELLA!!!! YOU'RE AWESOME!!!!' when they say 'I know right!' say 'Oh no I meant Bellatrix'
3. Ask them all questions about twilight that you can think of. When they ask why say 'I'm doing a book report on the most boring books of the world'
4. Get all the boys and twilight haters (better for them to be Harry Potter fans) to start saying 'Edward, Edwardo, Eddibear, sparkle sparkle'
5. Say that you hate Stephanie Meyer, she's a horrible author and her books make want to poke your eyes out with a pencil. Then say that reading JK Rowling's books are like reading books sent from heaven.
6. Tell them that people like Dracula and Voldemort are way more famous and that they can kick Edward's ass!
7. If they tell you that Twilight are the bestselling and most popular books ever, go on Wikipedia with them, search bestselling books, scroll down and show them that twilight is not there. Then go to best selling book series, scroll down, down, down, down past Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Nancy Drew, Captain Underpants etc. when you finally see twilight say 'Oh look there's twilight right there. Almost at the bottom.'
8. Tell them you went online and gave the new twilight movie one star, when they ask why say 'because Robert Pattinson was totally wearing lipstick!'
9. Remind them Edward Cullen/Jacob Black isn't real.
10. Tell a fan that you'll send her a T-Shirt with Edward Cullen on both sides. After the two days go by, don't send her anything. When she comes up and asks you why, tell her because you wanted to give someone that handsome to her in person. When she gets excited, give her a T-Shirt with Hagrid on it.
11. Tell them 'real men don't sparkle' when they ask 'who said that real men don't sparkle?' say 'Have you got ear problems? I said Only gay men sparkle. Jeez.'
12. When they try to force you into watching twilight, try to force them into watching Harry Potter. If they say 'But I hate it!' say 'Well I hate twilight!' and when they say 'just watch it and you'll like it!' say 'No, you watch Harry Potter and you'll like it!' etc.
13. Wen they tell you they dreamed about Edward Cullen say 'oh my goodness what a nightmare!'
14. When they say the dreamed about Edward Cullen say 'well I dreamed about Voldemort, they're equally hot right?'
15. If you catch them reading twilight, snatch the book, throw it in a trash can, say 'oh man I dropped it'
16. If you catch them watching a twilight movie, wait for the part that Edward or Jacob (depending on who the fan likes more) take his shirt off, when this part comes jump in front of the screen and scream 'FRED AND GEORGE ARE HOTTER! FRED AND GEORGE ARE HOTTER!' when the part ends walk away from the screen saying 'oh never mind'
17. When they ask 'why do you hate twilight so much?' say 'I don't hate it, I actually love it' when they say 'really?' say 'Yeah it's my favorite part of the day. You know after the sun sits and the sky is like all purplish and all.'
18. If you find a twilight book in their bag, take it and replace it with a Harry Potter one.
19. Tell them that Edward is a "hand-me-down" because twilight got him after Harry Potter was finished with him.
20. Say that Stephenie Meyer totally stole the names Bella, Alice, James, Black and Clearwater from JK Rowling
21. List every power that a wizard can have and use all at once (seeing the future, reading minds, etc.), that a vampire would only have one of.
22. Whenever they mention Jacob Black, innocently ask if they meant Wormtail.
23. Say that Bella Swan and Argus Filch would make such a romantic couple.
24. Flinch whenever they say Edward and tell them to say You-Know-Who
25. Explain how Twilight werewolves are really Animagi, and ask whether they're registered with the Ministry of Magic.
26. Tell them they're so crazy they have to go to St. Mungo's
27. Always remind them of the Dumbledore quote 'It does no good dwell in dreams' then remind them that the idea of twilight came to Stephenie Meyer in a dream.
28. Compare Edward Cullen to Mad Eye Moody. Compare silly stuff like their hair, skin color etc. that of course are going to be similar. Then say 'how could you fall for someone who looks totally like Moody?'
29. When they remember Edward say 'Edward who?' when they say 'Edward Cullen' say 'Edward Swollen?'
30. If they say Harry Potter wears weird glasses, say 'Well at least he WEARS glasses. He doesn't sparkle like glasses. Unlike Edward Cullen over here!'
31. When they say Bella is was so brave, remind them what she did when Edward left her, then what Hermione did when Ron chose another one, then what Ginny did when Harry Left her. Compare them and then say 'Now you tell me, which one would you choose to do?'
32. Whenever they mention anything/anyone related to twilight say 'STOP BLOWING UP MY EARS!'
33. When they say they dreamed that Edward/Jacob kissed them, say 'A dementor kissed you?'
34. When they beg you enough to read twilight, say okay. Open it,start reading aloud, at the end of every sentence, make fun of the sentence you read.
35. Ask them 'how come Edward Cullen is a vegetarian? I thought vampires can't eat vegetables or fruits.'
36. Grab an empty notebook and a pencil, sit next to them, write Stephenie Meyer a very long hate letter, and mutter what you're writing out loud.
37. When they call on the phone and start talking about how hot is Robert Pattinson playing Edward Cullen, interrupt them and say 'Hey I just saw Daniel Radcliffe walking on my street! I'll go say hi and remind him of the stupid choice Robert made' then hang up in their face.
38. Tell them ' I heard there will be another book' when they get all excited, tell them 'You do know I mean another Harry Potter book right?'
39. Tell them Harry Potter is better than twilight, when they start to argue keep muttering 'Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter. Twilight sucks Twilight sucks Twilight sucks' like crazy.
40. Tell them that you think Voldemort is prettier than Rosalie.
41. Tell them that vampires and werewolves don't exist, when they say 'Wizards don't exist either' say 'Oh yes we do!' then take a stick, point it at them and shout 'Avada Kadavra!' When it doesn't work keep on poking the stick and shouting the same words. Extra points if you poke them at least five times.
42. Tell them that JK Rowling got her book published with only one chapter while Stephenie Meyer got twilight barley published with the whole novel.
43. Tell them Hermione plays piano way better than Edward.
44. Tell them the Volturi are too stupid to walk all the way from Italy to Forks and not fly.
45. Tell them if you meet Bella you'll slap her in the face.
46. When they start talking about twilight pretend to be staring into space. After a few hours of their talking, when they finally finished say 'huh? what? Sorry I didn't hear you. I was thinking about Harry Potter'
47. When they tell you to get a life, say 'why? Edward doesn't have one'
48. When they say they love Edward ask why, when they tell you the reason, ask why once again. Keep on asking why after everything they say.
49. Go to her room with your friends, remove all the twilight posters, pillows, bed covers etc. burn them, replace them with Harry Potter ones. Extra points of you do not get caught and she never finds out it was you who did it.
50. Buy a twilight pencil, when she says she wants it. Tell her 'okay, let me just sharpen it for you.' sharpen it until it's all gone, then say 'aw man!I'm sorry there's nothing left of it.' Extra points if she searches the trash can like crazy looking for the pencil cores.
2. Go up to a twilight fan, scream 'Bella! Bella! BELLA!!!! YOU'RE AWESOME!!!!' when they say 'I know right!' say 'Oh no I meant Bellatrix'
3. Ask them all questions about twilight that you can think of. When they ask why say 'I'm doing a book report on the most boring books of the world'
4. Get all the boys and twilight haters (better for them to be Harry Potter fans) to start saying 'Edward, Edwardo, Eddibear, sparkle sparkle'
5. Say that you hate Stephanie Meyer, she's a horrible author and her books make want to poke your eyes out with a pencil. Then say that reading JK Rowling's books are like reading books sent from heaven.
6. Tell them that people like Dracula and Voldemort are way more famous and that they can kick Edward's ass!
7. If they tell you that Twilight are the bestselling and most popular books ever, go on Wikipedia with them, search bestselling books, scroll down and show them that twilight is not there. Then go to best selling book series, scroll down, down, down, down past Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Nancy Drew, Captain Underpants etc. when you finally see twilight say 'Oh look there's twilight right there. Almost at the bottom.'
8. Tell them you went online and gave the new twilight movie one star, when they ask why say 'because Robert Pattinson was totally wearing lipstick!'
9. Remind them Edward Cullen/Jacob Black isn't real.
10. Tell a fan that you'll send her a T-Shirt with Edward Cullen on both sides. After the two days go by, don't send her anything. When she comes up and asks you why, tell her because you wanted to give someone that handsome to her in person. When she gets excited, give her a T-Shirt with Hagrid on it.
11. Tell them 'real men don't sparkle' when they ask 'who said that real men don't sparkle?' say 'Have you got ear problems? I said Only gay men sparkle. Jeez.'
12. When they try to force you into watching twilight, try to force them into watching Harry Potter. If they say 'But I hate it!' say 'Well I hate twilight!' and when they say 'just watch it and you'll like it!' say 'No, you watch Harry Potter and you'll like it!' etc.
13. Wen they tell you they dreamed about Edward Cullen say 'oh my goodness what a nightmare!'
14. When they say the dreamed about Edward Cullen say 'well I dreamed about Voldemort, they're equally hot right?'
15. If you catch them reading twilight, snatch the book, throw it in a trash can, say 'oh man I dropped it'
16. If you catch them watching a twilight movie, wait for the part that Edward or Jacob (depending on who the fan likes more) take his shirt off, when this part comes jump in front of the screen and scream 'FRED AND GEORGE ARE HOTTER! FRED AND GEORGE ARE HOTTER!' when the part ends walk away from the screen saying 'oh never mind'
17. When they ask 'why do you hate twilight so much?' say 'I don't hate it, I actually love it' when they say 'really?' say 'Yeah it's my favorite part of the day. You know after the sun sits and the sky is like all purplish and all.'
18. If you find a twilight book in their bag, take it and replace it with a Harry Potter one.
19. Tell them that Edward is a "hand-me-down" because twilight got him after Harry Potter was finished with him.
20. Say that Stephenie Meyer totally stole the names Bella, Alice, James, Black and Clearwater from JK Rowling
21. List every power that a wizard can have and use all at once (seeing the future, reading minds, etc.), that a vampire would only have one of.
22. Whenever they mention Jacob Black, innocently ask if they meant Wormtail.
23. Say that Bella Swan and Argus Filch would make such a romantic couple.
24. Flinch whenever they say Edward and tell them to say You-Know-Who
25. Explain how Twilight werewolves are really Animagi, and ask whether they're registered with the Ministry of Magic.
26. Tell them they're so crazy they have to go to St. Mungo's
27. Always remind them of the Dumbledore quote 'It does no good dwell in dreams' then remind them that the idea of twilight came to Stephenie Meyer in a dream.
28. Compare Edward Cullen to Mad Eye Moody. Compare silly stuff like their hair, skin color etc. that of course are going to be similar. Then say 'how could you fall for someone who looks totally like Moody?'
29. When they remember Edward say 'Edward who?' when they say 'Edward Cullen' say 'Edward Swollen?'
30. If they say Harry Potter wears weird glasses, say 'Well at least he WEARS glasses. He doesn't sparkle like glasses. Unlike Edward Cullen over here!'
31. When they say Bella is was so brave, remind them what she did when Edward left her, then what Hermione did when Ron chose another one, then what Ginny did when Harry Left her. Compare them and then say 'Now you tell me, which one would you choose to do?'
32. Whenever they mention anything/anyone related to twilight say 'STOP BLOWING UP MY EARS!'
33. When they say they dreamed that Edward/Jacob kissed them, say 'A dementor kissed you?'
34. When they beg you enough to read twilight, say okay. Open it,start reading aloud, at the end of every sentence, make fun of the sentence you read.
35. Ask them 'how come Edward Cullen is a vegetarian? I thought vampires can't eat vegetables or fruits.'
36. Grab an empty notebook and a pencil, sit next to them, write Stephenie Meyer a very long hate letter, and mutter what you're writing out loud.
37. When they call on the phone and start talking about how hot is Robert Pattinson playing Edward Cullen, interrupt them and say 'Hey I just saw Daniel Radcliffe walking on my street! I'll go say hi and remind him of the stupid choice Robert made' then hang up in their face.
38. Tell them ' I heard there will be another book' when they get all excited, tell them 'You do know I mean another Harry Potter book right?'
39. Tell them Harry Potter is better than twilight, when they start to argue keep muttering 'Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter. Twilight sucks Twilight sucks Twilight sucks' like crazy.
40. Tell them that you think Voldemort is prettier than Rosalie.
41. Tell them that vampires and werewolves don't exist, when they say 'Wizards don't exist either' say 'Oh yes we do!' then take a stick, point it at them and shout 'Avada Kadavra!' When it doesn't work keep on poking the stick and shouting the same words. Extra points if you poke them at least five times.
42. Tell them that JK Rowling got her book published with only one chapter while Stephenie Meyer got twilight barley published with the whole novel.
43. Tell them Hermione plays piano way better than Edward.
44. Tell them the Volturi are too stupid to walk all the way from Italy to Forks and not fly.
45. Tell them if you meet Bella you'll slap her in the face.
46. When they start talking about twilight pretend to be staring into space. After a few hours of their talking, when they finally finished say 'huh? what? Sorry I didn't hear you. I was thinking about Harry Potter'
47. When they tell you to get a life, say 'why? Edward doesn't have one'
48. When they say they love Edward ask why, when they tell you the reason, ask why once again. Keep on asking why after everything they say.
49. Go to her room with your friends, remove all the twilight posters, pillows, bed covers etc. burn them, replace them with Harry Potter ones. Extra points of you do not get caught and she never finds out it was you who did it.
50. Buy a twilight pencil, when she says she wants it. Tell her 'okay, let me just sharpen it for you.' sharpen it until it's all gone, then say 'aw man!I'm sorry there's nothing left of it.' Extra points if she searches the trash can like crazy looking for the pencil cores.
(A customer in her late teens approaches me in the bookstore.)
Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell the Twilight books?”
Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”
Customer: “Have you read them?”
Me: “Yes, I have.”
Customer: “Didn’t you just LOVE them?!”
Me: “Well, actually, they aren’t really my type of book, so–”
Customer: *suddenly furious* “Are you f***ing serious?! These are the best books ever written! I’m going to tell Edward to come and bite you and drink all your blood!”
Me: *backing away* “Have a nice day, ma’am…”
were are you harry asked ron over here can't you see me am right in front of you.
no i cant see you it's so drak a cat even could not see in here.
hah ron very funny, lets try to find a light swicht for you can see.
ron i found one. well then turn it one then
i am don't worry
boo am going to suck your owls blood.
right then the sun came toungt the window and then edward begin to spark
look harry this vamiper sparks how sad is that.
ron is he waring girls cothing
yay i think he is
no am not but am in love with a human girl
harry and ron at the same time laghed them selfed silly
and that's the end of this fine story
no i cant see you it's so drak a cat even could not see in here.
hah ron very funny, lets try to find a light swicht for you can see.
ron i found one. well then turn it one then
i am don't worry
boo am going to suck your owls blood.
right then the sun came toungt the window and then edward begin to spark
look harry this vamiper sparks how sad is that.
ron is he waring girls cothing
yay i think he is
no am not but am in love with a human girl
harry and ron at the same time laghed them selfed silly
and that's the end of this fine story
