Yesterday the idea came into my mind while I was studying physics. I screwed up the exam Oo, I wrote down the idea. After watching "let them eat cake" I had to write it.
I hope you like it...cuddles-like as always it will be sad xD :(...
I still don't have a beta reader so there might be a couple of mistakes in it.

Please don't kill me, no matter why, just don't...I've warned you.
*hides*

Authors note: I never have thought about a title that long...at almost 1 am...and it drives me nuts.
There will be a different version of this oneshot...inspired by Olivine and therefore dedicated to her, it will be called "distant memories".
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"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime."


Cuddy was lying in her bed. Images, although a couple of hours old, came to her mind, more vivid and painful than the actual incident.
She knew perfectly that pondering over everything did not change anything at all, at least not for the better , but she could not detain herself.

House was House...he was a pain in the ass, a miserable bastard sometimes but she had thought that even he had his limits.
She had been wrong.
Cuddy did not know what hurt her more, the humiliating feeling of being rejected after opening up for once or the feeling of being betrayed, laughed at and mentally slapped in the face.

Twisting and turning she tried to distract her mind and to get some sleep, to no avail. The thin fabric of her blanket felt cold underneath her fingers, absent-minded she had begun to stroke it. When she realized, she stopped with it immidiately and put her hand under the cover. Maybe she needed a break, to move on and to forget about everything that had happened the past few days and weeks. And so she made a decision before she finally drifted into a fitful sleep.

The next day she woke up she was almost happy. It had been a long time since she had taken some time off, maybe it had been too long ago.
There was one positive thing about it, this and the fact that she was the Dean of medicine wouldn't make it hard to get one or two days off.
A few hours later she had arranged everything and went to her wardrobe to pack her bags.
As she went through all of her clothings she noticed that most of them were blazers, skirts or clothes she just wore when she was working.
Maybe she was working too much, but she never had cared about it or the opinions of the others. It was her job and she loved doing it.

"It is also a great distraction"
added a small corner of her mind.

Thinking about her work would automatically made her think about House too and that was the last thing she wanted to at the moment.
If it was up to her she would not talk to him and not want to see him either.
And then she realized that it was up to her. T
his caused a smile on her lips, something that rarely happened.

Another hour later she was sitting in her car and was on the way to Boston.
Her parents' house hadn't change at all and when she saw it she felt oddly secure and happy.
When she got out of her car she could see that her parents were already waiting for her and she was overwhelmed by a sudden spate of affection. Though she loved her parents she didn't visit them often, something both she and her parents had got used to, but in moments like this when she was aware of it she wished she would be able to change it...but she knew she wasn't.
A bright smile appeared on her face when she opened the door and hugged her parents. She hadn't realized how much she had actually missed them.

He father was a tall, well-built man with blue eyes and iron gray hair that had used to be light brown. Her mother was petite and smaller than her husband, with graying, dark, curly hair and green eyes.

"How are you, Lisa?"

Samuel asked with a light smile on his face, but his eyes were serious and almost concerned.

Cuddy who was not a good liar, was an extremly bad one when it came to her parents. So she sighed and mumbled.

"Have been better..."

Lauren petted her shoulder gently and asked with a soft voice.

"How long are you planning to stay?"

Thankful for the change of the topic, Cuddy smiled at her and replied.

"A couple of days...I don't know yet."

"You know that you can stay as long as you want to."

"I know, mom , but the hospital needs me."

Lauren smiled wistfully and sighed.

"Will you go to...?"

"Yes I will...I think I will go now, I haven't been there for a long time."

Her parents looked at her and Cuddy could notice the sorrow they had tried to repress for a long time. With no success. All of a sudden she began to feel uncomfortable and needed to get out of the house.

Meanwhile, Gregory House was sitting in his car and watched his surrounding. It had been easy to follow Cuddy and the suprise his appearance would cause made him smirk. Then he saw her leaving the house and decided to follow her.
She got in her car and started it. After ten minutes she arrived at her destination and got out.

House knitted his brows...what the heck was she doing at this place?
He waited a few moments before he got out of his car as well and limped into the direction she had left. The path on which he was walking was made of gravel and was now snow-covered so he could here his own footsteps on it.
Carefully, so that she would not see him, he tried to give her a wide berth.
Still he was wondering why she was here and he watched her from some distance when she finally stopped.

Cuddy remained there for several minutes, her hand was lying on the smooth surface of the stone.
Then, all of a sudden, as if she would have woken up from a bad dream, she stretched herself and left again. Luckily, she did not get aware of House.
He couldn't wait to find out what she had done and why she had been at this place. When he eventually found out he wished he wouldn't.

The tombstone was made of smooth, gleamy gray-spotted white marble. But more interesting than the appearance of the stone was its inscription.

GRACE CUDDY
*18th December 1988 † 15th February 1990


House stared at the stone but could not get the words. He felt as if someone had punched him and his breath left his mouth fitfully.
Helplessly he kept on staring at the stone, hoping it would make any sense to him. It didn't. All he saw was an accumulation of letters and some numbers but he could not get their meaning.

Then finally, after a lifetime, he realized that it had been to the day 20 years since the birth of the girl with the name that sounded so famliar to him and that she was lying there under the sod for almost the same time, cold, motionless and indifferent.

The shock was overwhelming him when he finally realized the whole consequences of the situation and he needed to rely onto the stone and made an indefinable sound that almost sounded like a stifling cry.

House was standing at the grave of his own daughter he had never known about.
It hit him so hard that he thought his heart would stop beating any moment but it didn't. For the first time since a long time he felt hot tears burning in his eyes but he could not cry, not now.
He didn't know how long he had been standing there in the cold wind but it must have been quite a long time because a well known female voice brought him back to reality.

"I should have known that you would follow me."

But there was no anger in Cuddy's voice, it was soft and sad but he could also hear the resignation.

His first impulse was to shout at her, to tell her things he would surely regret later on and to shake her. But when he turned around and looked into her face he knew she already had undergone her punishment.

"She would have turned 20 today..."

Cuddy whispered, not trying to hide the tears that were now streaming down her face.

House stood there silently, not able to say something or to look at her.

Cuddy put the flowers she had forgotten at home on the grave and looked at it for the last time, then she turned around, unable to bear the sight of her child's tombstone anymore.

House was still unable to avert his eyes from the ground, he did not even look up when he heard Cuddy's heels moving away from him. But his body was still working because he felt himself beginning to walk away too, he just didn't care. He caught up with her and together they left the cemetery but they could not leave their past behind.

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With a hard boom the
heavy door of earth
clicked shut behind you

I lay my ear listening on
the gap and hear
your steps resound beyond

This sound hardens my heart
so hard it suffered, and knocks down
the noise of the day

You beyond and me here
we keep in step and meet us
again at the same end.