Episode 8: The Secret Unicorn Club

June 1, 1951

Honey had just finished bringing a train into Cheyenne. She was going to wait for her next assignment at the station, when she saw a sign.

Honey: The secret unicorn club?
Gordon: That's right, and if you're not a unicorn you can't join.
Honey: Who would want to join your club anyway?
Jeff: Me.
Coffee Creme: Me too.
Honey: What for?
Jeff: He's offering us free things, like food and alcohol.
Gordon: Too bad you're not a unicorn. Leave!
Honey: Fine, I'll leave. But I just want you to know that this is a dumb idea *walks away*
Passengers: *walking toward station*
Gordon: Any passengers that aren't a unicorn must go around this building to get to wherever it is they need to go.
Earth ponies: Fuck!! *walks around station*
Pegasi: *fly*

Meanwhile, Honey went to meet with Hawkeye, Red Rose, Percy, and Orion.

Percy: I can't believe Jeff joined that club.
Hawkeye: I can't believe Coffee Creme joined too. If only unicorns are allowed, how is this railway going to make more money?
Orion: What do you mean?
Honey: He means only unicorns can go in the station.
Orion: Welp, we're screwed.
Pete: No, they're screwed.
Hawkeye: Uh, sir? How long have you been eavesdropping on us?
Pete: Long enough to hear that Gordon is fucking things up for our railroad.
Red Rose: Well, that's good enough.
Pete: Now listen, here's what we'll do

But before Pete could discuss his plan, Coffee Creme, and Jeff teleported near them. Coffee Creme looked sick.

Coffee Creme: Oh, that burger was horrible, and I thought nothing could be worse then McDonalds!
Jeff: Gordon is a terrible cook. He tried cooking hamburgers on a grill, and he did them too well.
Pete: I hope no one got hurt, even though Coffee Creme is sick, but I'm not sure if you can get hurt from being sick.
Honey: I don't think so sir.
Hawkeye: We gotta stop Gordon from being a asshole!
Jeff: So just like the last three times?
Hawkeye: Yeah, pretty much.
Pete: Ok, well here's the plan.

Five minutes later

Pete: What we need to do is hire a new unicorn, and get him to find out about what Gordon is up to.
Orion: Like a spy?
Pete: Yup.
Bartholomew: *teleports next to Pete*
Pete: This is our new worker, Bartholomew Perfect the 55th. He's british, so don't make fun of him for that.
Coffee Creme: Uh, nopony makes fun of the british at all.
Pete: Ok then. Good luck *walks away*
Hawkeye: Hello Bartholo- lomr- mew
Bartholomew: *laughs* You don't have to call me by my full name. Bart will do nicely.
Hawkeye: Oh, hi Bart.
Bartholomew: Hello. I must say, it shall be interesting working on an Equestrian railway. In the United Kingdom we had nothing like what you've got. Your railways are more modern.
Jeff: Thanks. But listen, you really gotta go to Gordon's secret unicorn club. We need to know about what we're dealing with here.
Bartholomew: Oh yes, of course. What do you need me to do?

At the station

Gordon: *sleeping*
Bartholomew: Hello.
Gordon: AH, Winston Churchill!! *sees Bartholomew* Oh. Uh, what do you want?
Bartholomew: I wanted to join your secret unicorn club.
Gordon: Oh yeah. Sure. Welcome.
Hawkeye: Ok, he's in.
Pete: Now get ready for the attack.
Hawkeye: Attack?
Red Rose: We're going to kill him?
Pete: NO!! Nopony is going to die!!
Gordon: Haha! Listen to that. The sound of arguing earth ponies.
Bartholomew: Yes, at least we unicorns are civilized.
Gordon: True, true. *drinking beer*
Police pony: Hey!! What are you doing?
Gordon: Me?
Police: Yes you! It says no alcoholic beverages in the station!!
Gordon: Well I'm not in the station! I'm on the platform, sitting in a chair, with a grill!!
Police pony: You can't have any of that on the platform. You're underarrest *arrests Gordon*
Jeff: Haha!! Gordon got arrested!
Pete: Yeah, but I wanted to punish him! We gotta bust him out.

Gordon was in the Cheyenne Jailhouse.

Cellmate: Hey.
Gordon: Hi.
Cellmate: Hey.
Gordon: Hello!
Cellmate: Hey.
Gordon: Do you always say the same thing to a pony 75 times in a row?
Police officer: Hey, shut the fuck up in there.
Gordon: What did I do?! I start a club, then get arrested for having things for the club, and now I'm getting in trouble for being bothered by another pony?!!?!?!?!?
Police: You were talking.
Gordon: He was talking too!!
Cellmate: Hey.
Police: Hello Bob.
Gordon: What the fuck?
Police: Watch your language loser!
Gordon: You just told me to shut the fuck up!
Police: No I didn't *walks away*
Gordon: I'm pretty sure you did!
Police: I never say anything cruel to anypony.

At the entrance of the jailhouse.

Pete: Excuse me. Is there anypony here named Gordon? I'd like to bail him out.
Police pony: That'll be Fourty dollars, and twelve bits.
Pete: *pays officer*
Gordon: *sees Pete*
Police pony: Ok Gordon. You can go now.
Gordon: Yes! Thank you *runs away*
Pete: Wait up! *chases Gordon*

Gordon, and Pete soon got back at the station

Gordon: Thank you for getting me out of there!
Pete: No problem, but you gotta do me a favor.
Gordon: What's that?
Pete: Get rid of your secret unicorn club. It sounds stupid.
Gordon: But it's great. We have drinks, cook outs, and-
Pete: You got arrested for it.
Gordon: All I wanted was some peace, and quiet!
Pete: Well all you had to do was simply ask.
Gordon: Simply asking makes my head hurt.
Pete: Well that's something you'll have to deal with. There are sometimes when you have to think of others. If you keep thinking about yourself, you're not just hurting everyone's feelings, but you're also hurting yourself.
Gordon: How so?
Pete: You're hurting yourself by getting rid of all the ponies you care about.
Gordon: And those are?
Pete: Screw it. Why do I even bother to be around you? *walks away*
Gordon: Now I know the feeling *walks away*

Gordon went to everypony

Gordon: I wanna apologize for being mean to you. Can you all forgive me?
Jeff: No.
Gordon: Holy shit! I just apologized!
Jeff: *laughs* Just joking with you Gordon. Of course we forgive you.
Hawkeye: You may be an asshole at times, but deep down, you're a good pony.
Coffee Creme: I still don't understand why you hate steam engines.
Gordon: I don't hate them, I just think diesels are better.
Hawkeye: Well, let me just say that these steam engines will never be replaced!

Ten years later

Hawkeye: *sees diesels* Great. Ten years ago, I said some things that would eventually become a lie.

The end

On the next episode of ponies on the rails

Bartholomew conducts Hawkeye's train.