Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures
Season 2, Episode 7
"How to Deal With an Emperor Like Malmard"
[The episode begins around Christmas time and Kai-Lan and the gang are setting up the palace with tons of Christmas decorations.]
Kai-Lan: Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Rintoo: Hanging décor up with friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoho: Being here with friends and family.
Tolee: Fa la la la la la, la la la
All: We love Christmas and all the presents. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
[Everyone laughs.]
Kai-Lan: That was so super you guys. Do you think we should keep going.
Rintoo: I don't know, Kai-Lan. We should save that for when we go caroling this week. We'll have lots of luck there.
[The doorbell rings. Kai-Lan walks over there to see who it is.]
Kai-Lan: Ni Hao, Lulu.
Lulu: Ni hao, Kai-Lan. Where do you want these presents?
Kai-Lan: Over there, right by the tree.
[Lulu walks over to the tree.]
Lulu: Wow. This tree is amazing, where did you get it from?
Rintoo: You know that shop with those peppermint sticks in the window?
Lulu: Yeah.
Rintoo: That's where it's from.
Lulu: Sweet. So when do we start caroling?
Kai-Lan: As soon as Tyler gets here. He just loves singing.
Tolee: That's weird, because he didn't mention that when we met him.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Surprise. He kinda told me personally. Wanna know how I know? I was on my way to see Mr. Fluffy one day, and I happened to see him in the park. And there was, singing his heart out.
[Flashback blur.]
Tyler: [singing] Here comes the sun, do do do do. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. [hums]
Kai-Lan: Ni hao, Tyler.
Tyler: Oh, Kai-Lan. What a surprise to see you here.
Kai-Lan: I didn't know you could sing.
Tyler: Yeah, I didn't want no one else to find out about that, but you're right here, so I might as well come clean.
Kai-Lan: How long have you been singing?
Tyler: Ever since I was a little kid. For some reason, I couldn't tell no one, so I've kept it a secret ever since.
Kai-Lan: Oh I see. You wanna keep stuff like that out of the general public, huh?
Tyler: Yeah, pretty much.
[Flashback cut off.]
Kai-Lan: And that's how I found out. And if I'm correct, he should be coming through here in...
[The doorbell rings.]
Kai-Lan: Now.
[Kai-Lan walks over to the door.]
Tyler: Who's ready for caroling?
Rintoo: I can already tell someone's ready.
Tyler: You know I am. So, how's my number 1 money maker doing?
Rintoo: You know, the same ol' stuff.
Tyler: I know how you feel right now. I do nearly the same stuff myself. Take inventory, manage the distribution line. You know, basics.
Hoho: Well, at least you'll be able to take some time off to carol with us.
Tyler: You got that right. I just don't know how I'll be able to pull off singing in front of people. I've never done it before. But tonight I'm willing to take that chance. Now, let's get this thing over with.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Alright then, let's go.
[Everyone heads out of the door when all of a sudden, a note with a very unfamiliar note is posted on the front door.]
Rintoo: Huh, what's this?
Tyler: Huh, it looks like a cease and desist order...from...oh, no.
Hoho: What is it?
Tyler: This letter is from...hear me out...Emperor Malmard.
[The gang gasps in fear.]
Rintoo: Malmard? You mean big jerk Malmard?
Tyler: Yup.
Kai-Lan: But why? What does it even say?
Tyler: It says that effective immediately, there will be no Christmas caroling of any kind, and if anyone is caught caroling, they will receive two weeks of house arrest, or the possibility of being exile from China.
Tolee: This doesn't make any sense. Why would someone as bad as Malmard ban Christmas caroling? It's like a special part of the Christmas season. It's something you can't take away.
Kai-Lan: Tolee's right. We need to see Malmard and get him to tell us why.
Tyler: You know, I know Malmard can act like a jerk sometimes, but don't you think we should think about why we're gonna see him, because there's a chance he could throw us out.
Rintoo: That's a chance that I'm willing to take. Come on. We can take the royal van.
Tyler: You guys actually have a royal van? That's interesting.
Kai-Lan: Everything here is royal.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to the garage, where the royal van is being pulled out.]
Kai-Lan: Tyler, I like you to meet the royal van.
Tyler: This is suppose to be your royal van? It looks like a Dodge Grand Caravan to me.
Kai-Lan: You might think it's a Dodge, but it's actually a van that looks like a Dodge. So if people start asking about it, we just say it's not a Dodge. You like it?
Tyler: I guess I do, since you told me all of that. Now are we gonna go or what?
Rintoo: Yeah, I wanna get my piece of mind to that jerk Malmard.
[Everybody hops into the van with ease. A few seconds later, Rintoo drives the van out of the driveway. The scene later cuts to part of the town they are now driving through.]
Tyler: So Rintoo, I can tell you already had problems with this man in the past. You willing to tell me what happened before.
Rintoo: Well, last year, he made an announcement on TV that got to me, and then when he showed up and heard me talk about him, he challenged me on "The Most Eligible Emperor".
Tyler: Oh yeah, I heard about that. You were really good out there. As a matter of fact, I see why a lot of people call you the most eligible emperor. You clearly have a personality that everyone could get along with.
Rintoo: Yeah well, that's something for ya. I'm really nice one you get to know. Right, guys?
Kai-Lan: Rintoo's right. We're that well-known around China. Since we're royalty, we pretty much get invited to every party there is.
Tyler: I see. Did I tell you something like this happened to me one day?
Kai-Lan: No.
Tyler: Well, guess what? It did. I was trying to leave work, and some dude came up to me and said: "You are the worst man I have ever seen. How do you run a business like that? Get your men together and I mean you better get them together or this company will start plummeting toward getting shut down." He said that to me so good that I never bothered forgetting about it.
Tolee: How long was this?
Tyler: Not that long. I say about a few months to a year ago. I can't really tell.
Rintoo: Alright guys, here we are. It's time to put that mean emperor in his place.
[Rintoo and the crew arrives at Emperor Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright. I think we might get in through the back fence.
Tolee: How are we gonna do that?
Rintoo: Watch this. [throws a raw steak at the guard dogs] This'll lead us to the secret entrance, which is the cellar.
Tyler: How do you know about this place?
Rintoo: I kinda snooped around one time. It really got to me when I noticed how big this place was compared to our castle.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to one of Malmard's windows. Rintoo is trying to see if he can carefully open it without setting off any alarms.]
Hoho: Are you sure this plan will work?
Rintoo: Are you kidding me? It's fool-proof. Now follow my lead.
[Rintoo gives out several hand signals leading into the plan to straighten out Malmard. He tells the group to quietly climb into the window and sneak into his main lounge, which is what he calls his relaxation cottage. After everyone is inside, Rintoo points them into the direction of the relaxation cottage, where Malmard and his assistances are currently enjoying their salads. This is where Rintoo puts on a fake mustache and a delivery suit.]
Malmard: Guys, I don't know how to say this, but today, I feel like I've done something amazing.
Assistant #1: What's that, sir?
Malmard: You know those no caroling flyers I put up today?
Assistant #2: Yeah.
Malmard: They've already been up for hours, and so far, no carolers have come to my door. I have a feeling that this holiday seasons might been the most quiet one China has ever had.
[There is a knock on the door, and one of the assistants goes over to answer it.]
Assistant #2: Can I help you?
Rintoo: [in a deep voice] Yes, do you know where I could find some red gush?
Assistant #2: Red gush? I don't if we have some, but I could go look.
Rintoo: No need, because I think I have what I need. [pulls off his disguise]
Malmard: Vic, who's at the door?
Vic: No one that I think you shouldn't see.
Malmard: That's impossible. If I knew someone was coming to the door, I would see them if I wanted to.
[Malmard walks around, and sees it's Rintoo.]
Malmard: You! What the hell do you think you're doing here?!
Rintoo: I might ask you that same question. What do you think you're doing?
Malmard: What do you think you're doing? Snooping around in my sacred castle, and pulling a fake cover just to get at me? I never thought you would pull it off.
Rintoo: Don't give me that nonsense. I here to set you straight.
Malmard: On what? What do you want to straighten me out for?
Rintoo: This.
Malmard: Oh, I see you found my little flyer about no Christmas caroling.
Rintoo: That's right! How dare you ban something that people have been doing for years. Do you know how many people have gotten upset about this.
Malmard: You don't know what people think about these posters. I'm pretty sure that once they don't think about going Christmas caroling they'll have the right mind to spend more time with their families. Plus, I don't enjoy singing. It's an absolute eyesore and it hurts my ears just thinking about it. Now on another note, you didn't think about bringing the rest of your posse around here, did you?
Rintoo: I'll let you figure that out. Come on out guys!
[Kai-Lan and the rest of the group comes out.]
Kai-Lan: Malmard, you need to stop this nonsense.
Hoho: Yeah, you can't take Christmas caroling away from us.
Tyler: Malmard, what you're doing is against all regulations of the holidays.
Malmard: Ah Tyler, the one man that can make marshmallows taste as good as ever.
Tyler: Don't give me that...you really like my company's marshmallows? I actually think they could use some more flavor in them...wait a minute?! You can't fool me with that logic.
Malmard: Rintoo, I don't know why you and your little entourage is doing in my personal relaxation cottage, but all of you need to get your mild mannered asses out of here before I have my assistants throw out each and every last one of you. And I'll make sure you don't live to be emperor anymore.
Tolee: Aren't you taking this a little too far?
Malmard: [yelling] I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me how far I'm taking this! Obviously, you must have no goddamn idea what Christmas caroling has done to me. It even has my assistants in an uproar.
Vic: It's true. We can't stop singing, and it's even gotten our dear emperor into a deep anger, and it's even making him wanna explode all over China's ass.
Malmard: Now you see why I banned caroling this year. It's nothing that's gonna make me happy, or do this palace a favor. So I'm giving you guys 1 minute to get the hell out of here starting now, or I'm having Vic and Paul drag you out. What is it gonna be?
[There is a brief silence.]
Rintoo: [sighs] Let's go.
[The gang starts leaving Malmard's palace. Rintoo stops for a second to say one last thing before leaving.]
Rintoo: Malmard, I hope someone comes over and tells you off.
Malmard: Unfortunately, that is already happening.
Rintoo: [starts leaving] This ain't over. I'll be back. And when I do, you'll be able to oversee this ban. [leaves the room]
Malmard: Okay, what the fuck just happened?
[The scene cuts to the group back on the road. Rintoo is still at work thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban.]
Tyler: That was the worst castle raid I have ever been to. I mean, this is even worst than when I broke into the rival marshmallow company.
Kai-Lan: There's a rival marshmallow company?
Tyler: Yeah. It's called Perfect Mallows. They say they're the best marshmallow company in China, but they're wrong. All they do is copy our recipes and take all the credit for it.
Tolee: How long has this been going on?
Tyler: A few years. My company has tried so hard to get those cheating bastards to come to their senses, but no, they don't want to cave in and cease operation. They just wanna keep going and steal all of our money. I tell ya, they make so mad I just wanna go to each of their houses with rolls of toilet paper and TP them.
Rintoo: Tyler, you know what you just did?
Tyler: What?
Rintoo: You just gave me the most awesome idea ever.
Tyler: What, TPing Malmard's castle?
Rintoo: Not really. I was referring to cheating him out of his ban. If he sees what he did was wrong, then he'll have to stop the ban.
Tyler: The only question is, will this get him to cave in?
Rintoo: I hope it will.
[The scene cuts back to the palace.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, what do you think about these Christmas lights. Are they enough to light up the tree?
Rintoo: Hmm. Why not?
Kai-Lan: Okay then. [throws the lights on the tree and turns them on] Super. I knew they would light up the entire tree.
[Rintoo is so busy thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban that he doesn't notice how good the lights are on the tree. This makes Kai-Lan wonder about him.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, you've been thinking about how to get back at Malmard's ban ever since we got back home. Matter of fact, you've been wrapped up in it that you didn't even notice the Christmas lights. Don't you love them?
Rintoo: Huh. [looks at the tree] Oh, it's fantastic. I actually like it.
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, is something wrong?
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, nothing is wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?
Kai-Lan: Well, for starters, you're looking into plans for your revenge on Malmard. And that's all you've been doing for the last two hours.
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, there are many things that would make me happy, but making Malmard take caroling away from us is not one of those things. And knowing that getting him to change his mind will make me the happiest emperor tiger in China.
Kai-Lan: Gee, I hope you figure something out.
Rintoo: Oh, I will.
[Kai-Lan leaves the room.]
Rintoo: I just hope whatever I come up with works, or Christmas will be ruined.
[The scene cuts back to Malmard's castle.]
Malmard: Who does that little prick think he is? Trying to ruin my Christmas plans, and convinces me to take off my no caroling ban? How rude.
Paul: Sir, don't you think you're taking this ban thing a little too far?
Malmard: Hell, no. It's for our sake, remember?
Paul: But I still think we're doing this out of proportion. I mean, people go Christmas caroling every day, and it never affected you before.
Malmard: Yeah, but that was before I got my test results back.
Vic: Emperor Malmard, just because someone told you about your little situation doesn't mean you have to take it away from everyone else.
Malmard: Are you two trying to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? Do you think I need to check myself into a mental hospital, and tell them how crazy I am? Is that what you two fools think?
Paul: No sir, not at all.
Malmard: I hope so, because if you did, you two clowns wouldn't think of the harsh firing I would do to you.
Vic: I wouldn't want to think about it too.
Paul: Me neither.
Malmard: Now getting back to the subject of matter: How are going to keep this ban going? I feel like we should put up more letters. I think we should do that.
Paul: But won't that upset everyone?
Malmard: That's what I'm hoping for. Now hear me out right now. We make a couple more letters and post them all over town, and put an urgent message warning them what will happen if they do.
Paul: You already did that when we made that first batch of messages.
Malmard: I did?
Vic: House arrest for 2 weeks.
Malmard: Oh yeah I did. Huh, you know what. Two weeks sounds so simple. How about an entire month.
Vic: Then that person won't be able to do their daily activities.
Malmard: Well, too bad on them. This is for my sanity and well-being. Now help me make more letters. This town needs less caroling this Christmas.
[The scene cuts back to the palace, where Rintoo, Tolee, Hoho and Tyler are thinking of how to get back at Malmard's ban.]
Tyler: How much have you come up with, Rintoo?
Rintoo: Practically that much. Since we came back, that's all I've been thinking about.
Tyler: That's a starter.
Hoho: I thought of something.
Rintoo: Really? What is it?
Hoho: How about we come back in even better costumes, then we can trick Malmard into bringing caroling back. You know, like in that old Ebenezer Scrooge story, when he was visited by the ghost of Christmas past.
Tolee: You know what? I think that might be a great idea. Don't you think, guys?
Tyler: Yeah, then we could be able to get him into doing some other stuff that would humiliate him.
Rintoo: I'm liking what I'm hearing so far.
Hoho: I think we might have some white sheets we could use as ghost costumes.
Rintoo: Sweet, let's do it.
[The scene changes to a montage of the guys gathering up several old white sheets. This montage ends within 10 seconds.]
Tyler: Okay, do we have enough sheets?
Rintoo: We have five sheets and there's four of us. So I think we're good.
Hoho: And we have some backup just in case.
Kai-Lan: [walks in] You guys aren't planning something dangerous, are you?
Rintoo: What? Of course not. We would never consider gathering up random things to cause trouble. Now would we?
Hoho: Oh no, we wouldn't. Especially around Christmas.
Kai-Lan: Oh okay. See you guys later. [walks off]
Tyler: Okay, get this stuff in the car.
[The guys gather up all the sheets and stuff them in the trunk.]
Tyler: Gentlemen, I think we're ready to scare Malmard out of his misery.
All: Yeah!
Rintoo: Alright, let's do this.
[The scene changes back to Malmard's castle. The guys are pulling out all their supplies for their plan, which they think might work.]
Rintoo: Guys, I don't know if this plan might work, but I hope it does. Because there is no way that there a caroling ban will ruin Christmas. I say if it doesn't work, there's always Plan B.
Tyler: Rintoo's right. We may not achieve if Malmard finds out it's us, but he may not have an idea if we use fake voices.
Tolee: Good idea. I can try to make myself sound like I have a little accent. I've been working on impersonations for a while.
Tyler: And I've been wanting to try out my new British accent for quite sometime now. Check it out. [talks in a British accent] Allow there, chap.
Hoho: Pretty nice.
Tyler: Thanks. Now, everyone got their ghost sheets and their emergency weapons?
Rintoo, Hoho, Tolee: Yeah.
Tyler: Then let's rock.
[The beginning of "Bad to the Bone" plays as the four walk toward Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright, we can sneak in through the main entrance. From what I figured out, no one could be guarding it by now.
Tolee: You sure?
Rintoo: Is having this much luck in becoming the most eligible emperor if China being sure?
Tolee: I guess so.
Rintoo: Alright then. Let's so this.
[Tyler and the boys quietly enter the castle without being spotted. They then find Malmard in one of his many rooms, enjoying some of his favorite citrus tea.]
Malmard: I love me this tea.
[All of a sudden, he hears a noise.]
Malmard: What was that?
Paul: What was what?
Malmard: That noise. G-go see what it is.
[Paul and Vic head outside. When they get there, they are somehow captured and tied up in chairs. Malmard realizes that both of his assistants are taking too long.]
Malmard: What the hell is taking those buffoons too long?
[This makes Malmard go outside and check it out for himself.]
Malmard: Vic, Paul, where the hell are you two at?! You better not be playing a joke on me, 'cause I can tell if two are doing something! Can you two hear me, or do you need hearing aids?! Something's going on here. Usually those two come to me whenever I have something to say.
[Somehow, Rintoo and the guys appear behind him.]
Rintoo: Hello, Malmard.
Malmard: Ahh. Who the hell are you?
Hoho: [makes spooky noises] We are the ghosts of Christmas past.
Malmard: Really? That's the best you could think of?
Tyler: Silence! We are here to show what you are doing is wrong.
Malmard: What are you talking about? I haven't done anything wrong.
Tyler: Except for you banning Christmas caroling in China.
Malmard: Oh that. I knew what I was doing and I did it for a reason.
Tolee: What would want to ban caroling?
Malmard: Okay, I'll tell ya. But I have one proposition.
Rintoo: What would that be?
Malmard: [sighs] The reason I banned Christmas caroling this year is because...the last I went to the doctor, I had a little test on my hearing, and he told me that I might have a slight chance of losing it.
Tyler: Well then. I guess it's best of what we have to do now. Let's reveal who we really are.
[The guys take off their disguises.]
Malmard: What the?! H-h-h-how did you...?
Rintoo: Manage to trick you into telling us why you wanted to ban Christmas caroling?
Malmard: Yes. I mean, why the holy hell would you trick outta something that is sacred to me? Do you have any idea how stupid you guys are gonna make me feel after this? Huh?! Do ya?!
Tolee: I think we do.
Malmard: You know. You guys outta be ashamed of yourselves. Dressing up as ghosts and pretending to scare me into giving up my big secret. Huh, I should have the nerve to call the damn police and sue you for trespassing.
Tyler: Wait. Before you decide to have us locked up, we just wanna say this: Instead of banning something because you might lose your hearing, why don't you try it to see whether you like it or not.
Hoho: Yeah. Why don't you give it a try, instead of trying to put a ban on it?
Malmard: You know what, monkey. I have no idea.
Rintoo: Well now, you get a chance to experience what caroling feels like.
Malmard: [sighs] Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.
Rintoo: Sweet.
Tolee: Malmard, get ready to carol.
Malmard: Oh just one quick question.
Rintoo: What's that?
Malmard: Why are my men tied up?
Rintoo: [laughs] I guess I kinda went too far.
Malmard: You think.
[The scene changes to the first house Kai-Lan and friends will be caroling at.]
Tolee: Alright, Malmard. This is where we start caroling. Just relax and you'll see how much fun caroling can be.
Malmard: I hope I enjoy it. Otherwise, the ban stays.
Kai-Lan: Say Rintoo, how did you guys managed to get Malmard to change his mind about Christmas caroling?
Rintoo: We got him to tell us why he wanted to ban caroling in the first place, which was pretty easy once we got to talk to him.
Kai-Lan: Well, however you got him to spill what was going on, I'm pretty sure it will help with the ban.
[The scene changes to the door. Rintoo knocks.]
Man: Coming.
Rintoo: Alright Malmard, you ready?
Malmard: I think. I just hope my voice doesn't give out.
[A man comes out of his house.]
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Rintoo: Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Tolee: O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way [laughs]
Hoho: Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
Kai-Lan: What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
Man: Amazing, simply amazing. You guys are really talented.
Kai-Lan: Well, we have the best.
Man: Well, all I gotta say is that I'm glad I got the royal crew here tonight. Thanks again for the song.
Kai-Lan: You're welcome.
Rintoo: So Malmard, how did that make you feel?
Malmard: It kinda made me feel great. It's like something was missing from my life. It's making me wanna do it again.
Tyler: Well, there's nothing stopping you. We got a bunch of houses to go to. And we're not gonna get to them standing here. Let's hop to it.
[A snippet of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" plays as Kai-Lan and the gang go caroling from house to house. Some of the montage also features Malmard taking down some of the letters about the ban on caroling.]
Malmard: [laughs] Wow, that was awesome! I never felt so alive!
Hoho: See, I told you that you would get used to it.
Malmard: Well, I didn't push no buttons or anything.
Kai-Lan: Hey Malmard, do you think I could ask you something?
Malmard: Sure. Hit me up.
Kai-Lan: How did you get so mean and cold-hearted?
Malmard: Okay. I think it's best you guys should know this upfront. It's kinda hard to say this, but...I was born in a distant city outside of the UK. I was a happy, little boy. I enjoyed everything about life. My dad was always getting in each other's throats. There were times where he used to go at me the most, or my mom. He was a horrible man. He would curse and fight anyone who got in his way. One day, he told my mom that he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. So he left. It left us heartbroken, especially my mom. It was now up to her to my mom, and with the help of my uncle, who was the head of Perfect Mallows.
Tyler: What?! You mean to tell me that all this long time, Nutbrown Hare Industries has been battling with a company that was run by your uncle?!
Malmard: Well, I wouldn't say my uncle, really. He was the founder of the company, then he passed down the operations to his son, which is my nephew.
Tyler: You mean that goody goody two shoes Matt Malmard?
Malmard: That's right.
Tyler: So does that mean he's has a bad bone in him too?
Malmard: Nope.
Tyler: Good to know.
Malmard: Now where was I? My uncle moved in with me so I could have a male role model in my childhood. He was always there for me in my time of need. By the time I left the house, my uncle was about to hand the company to one of my cousins. At that time, my dad came back. And he was mad! And I'm not talking about temporary madness, I'm talking about he was red in his face. So red that he was gonna explode right in his face. He came up to my uncle and told him that he better get his stupid ass away from me or he was gonna throw him out a window, then throw him into a car, while watching him bleed. So he did what he said, and then he asked me to come with him for something.
Rintoo: What was it?
Malmard: It was horrible. Once we got there, he made me into what I became. First, he put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I was in a pillow factory. It was so scary that I screamed for my life. But my father didn't let me. He made sure the doors were bolted shut, and he had security there to make sure I didn't escape. What happened to me didn't go smoothly. He completely brainwashed me into becoming a coldhearted, overachieving, selfish and ignorant emperor that had high hopes of taking over a large country. So I decided to come here. When I met you guys, I didn't know what to think of you. Part of what was left of my old self wanted to be friends, but my new self wanted revenge.
Rintoo: But wait, you didn't meet me until after that commercial you were in aired.
Malmard: True, but that's when I realized that I was still trying to get my bad side out of me. But nothing happened. I was stuck inside my mean body for the rest of my life. But luckily, you guys made me do something that I never done before. And that's how I became what I am.
Kai-Lan: Wow, I didn't know you had a hard life.
Malmard: It was a drag.
Kai-Lan: I know your pain.
Malmard: And the worst part is: I never got a chance to do some of the things I wanted to do.
[Everyone gasps.]
Malmard: That's right. I had a list of things that I planned on doing before I became an emperor. But thanks to my dad messing up my adulthood, I never did.
Tolee: Well, we can help you with some of those things. That is, if you want us.
Malmard: [gasps] Really?
Rintoo: Of course. From what we heard, you sound like a nice guy who was stuck being mean for the rest of your life.
Hoho: And we now know that you're just a pretty nice guy.
Tyler: And even though the rival marshmallow company and I are having a little beef right now, I can find it in my heart to forgive you.
Malmard: You know what. I'm glad that I got that out of my chest. It makes me feel like the man I used to be. And I gotta say: I am happy that you guys have agreed to be my friends.
Kai-Lan: So are we.
Hoho: [hugs Malmard] Bao bao. Bao bao.
[The others join in the hug.]
Malmard: This...is the greatest moment of my life.
[The camera pans away from the gang. The scene then changes to Christmas day, where everyone is at the palace, including Malmard's assistants, are enjoying the morning as they open their presents.]
Malmard: Well, I did it. I made it through without being mean. It's amazing. You know, I think I might be on the verge of getting back to my old self.
Rintoo: We're really proud of you, Malmard. Not only did you get through not being mean, but you really went through in your time of need.
Malmard: And all I needed was a little courage to get me through it.
Kai-Lan: And we helped you.
Malmard: And I appreciate it. Listen guys. I liked what you did you me over the past few days. It made me realize that what my dad put me through is a thing of the past. And I gotta say, they were horrible.
Hoho: And we know you wouldn't have liked it.
Malmard: [laughs] Good one.
Lulu: Hey Malmard, this one's for you.
[Malmard grabs his gift.]
Malmard: [gasps] Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Kai-Lan: What is it?
Malmard: It's something that I've been wanting my entire life.
Hoho: Tell us.
Malmard: It's...my very own toy train.
Rintoo: I figured you might like it.
Malmard: Like it? I love it! But why? I thought you hated me.
Rintoo: Nah. I hated the old you. Now that I got to know who you really are, I thought you would want a little something as a token of my gratitude.
Malmard: Oh, my God. I-I don't know what to say, except...thanks.
Rintoo: Why, you're welcome.
Kai-Lan: Hey guys, since we're all here together, why don't we sing.
Malmard: Good idea.
[Everyone gathers around for the song.]
All: We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year.
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some, so bring some out here.
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!
Malmard: Merry Christmas to all. And to all, love, happiness, and great passion.
Kai-Lan: And lots of fun to come along.
[The Gang continues their party, while the camera pans away from the palace, while an instrumental version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays.]
End of episode.
Copyright © 2014
Sony Pictures Television, Inc. and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved
Season 2, Episode 7
"How to Deal With an Emperor Like Malmard"
[The episode begins around Christmas time and Kai-Lan and the gang are setting up the palace with tons of Christmas decorations.]
Kai-Lan: Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Rintoo: Hanging décor up with friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoho: Being here with friends and family.
Tolee: Fa la la la la la, la la la
All: We love Christmas and all the presents. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
[Everyone laughs.]
Kai-Lan: That was so super you guys. Do you think we should keep going.
Rintoo: I don't know, Kai-Lan. We should save that for when we go caroling this week. We'll have lots of luck there.
[The doorbell rings. Kai-Lan walks over there to see who it is.]
Kai-Lan: Ni Hao, Lulu.
Lulu: Ni hao, Kai-Lan. Where do you want these presents?
Kai-Lan: Over there, right by the tree.
[Lulu walks over to the tree.]
Lulu: Wow. This tree is amazing, where did you get it from?
Rintoo: You know that shop with those peppermint sticks in the window?
Lulu: Yeah.
Rintoo: That's where it's from.
Lulu: Sweet. So when do we start caroling?
Kai-Lan: As soon as Tyler gets here. He just loves singing.
Tolee: That's weird, because he didn't mention that when we met him.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Surprise. He kinda told me personally. Wanna know how I know? I was on my way to see Mr. Fluffy one day, and I happened to see him in the park. And there was, singing his heart out.
[Flashback blur.]
Tyler: [singing] Here comes the sun, do do do do. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. [hums]
Kai-Lan: Ni hao, Tyler.
Tyler: Oh, Kai-Lan. What a surprise to see you here.
Kai-Lan: I didn't know you could sing.
Tyler: Yeah, I didn't want no one else to find out about that, but you're right here, so I might as well come clean.
Kai-Lan: How long have you been singing?
Tyler: Ever since I was a little kid. For some reason, I couldn't tell no one, so I've kept it a secret ever since.
Kai-Lan: Oh I see. You wanna keep stuff like that out of the general public, huh?
Tyler: Yeah, pretty much.
[Flashback cut off.]
Kai-Lan: And that's how I found out. And if I'm correct, he should be coming through here in...
[The doorbell rings.]
Kai-Lan: Now.
[Kai-Lan walks over to the door.]
Tyler: Who's ready for caroling?
Rintoo: I can already tell someone's ready.
Tyler: You know I am. So, how's my number 1 money maker doing?
Rintoo: You know, the same ol' stuff.
Tyler: I know how you feel right now. I do nearly the same stuff myself. Take inventory, manage the distribution line. You know, basics.
Hoho: Well, at least you'll be able to take some time off to carol with us.
Tyler: You got that right. I just don't know how I'll be able to pull off singing in front of people. I've never done it before. But tonight I'm willing to take that chance. Now, let's get this thing over with.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Alright then, let's go.
[Everyone heads out of the door when all of a sudden, a note with a very unfamiliar note is posted on the front door.]
Rintoo: Huh, what's this?
Tyler: Huh, it looks like a cease and desist order...from...oh, no.
Hoho: What is it?
Tyler: This letter is from...hear me out...Emperor Malmard.
[The gang gasps in fear.]
Rintoo: Malmard? You mean big jerk Malmard?
Tyler: Yup.
Kai-Lan: But why? What does it even say?
Tyler: It says that effective immediately, there will be no Christmas caroling of any kind, and if anyone is caught caroling, they will receive two weeks of house arrest, or the possibility of being exile from China.
Tolee: This doesn't make any sense. Why would someone as bad as Malmard ban Christmas caroling? It's like a special part of the Christmas season. It's something you can't take away.
Kai-Lan: Tolee's right. We need to see Malmard and get him to tell us why.
Tyler: You know, I know Malmard can act like a jerk sometimes, but don't you think we should think about why we're gonna see him, because there's a chance he could throw us out.
Rintoo: That's a chance that I'm willing to take. Come on. We can take the royal van.
Tyler: You guys actually have a royal van? That's interesting.
Kai-Lan: Everything here is royal.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to the garage, where the royal van is being pulled out.]
Kai-Lan: Tyler, I like you to meet the royal van.
Tyler: This is suppose to be your royal van? It looks like a Dodge Grand Caravan to me.
Kai-Lan: You might think it's a Dodge, but it's actually a van that looks like a Dodge. So if people start asking about it, we just say it's not a Dodge. You like it?
Tyler: I guess I do, since you told me all of that. Now are we gonna go or what?
Rintoo: Yeah, I wanna get my piece of mind to that jerk Malmard.
[Everybody hops into the van with ease. A few seconds later, Rintoo drives the van out of the driveway. The scene later cuts to part of the town they are now driving through.]
Tyler: So Rintoo, I can tell you already had problems with this man in the past. You willing to tell me what happened before.
Rintoo: Well, last year, he made an announcement on TV that got to me, and then when he showed up and heard me talk about him, he challenged me on "The Most Eligible Emperor".
Tyler: Oh yeah, I heard about that. You were really good out there. As a matter of fact, I see why a lot of people call you the most eligible emperor. You clearly have a personality that everyone could get along with.
Rintoo: Yeah well, that's something for ya. I'm really nice one you get to know. Right, guys?
Kai-Lan: Rintoo's right. We're that well-known around China. Since we're royalty, we pretty much get invited to every party there is.
Tyler: I see. Did I tell you something like this happened to me one day?
Kai-Lan: No.
Tyler: Well, guess what? It did. I was trying to leave work, and some dude came up to me and said: "You are the worst man I have ever seen. How do you run a business like that? Get your men together and I mean you better get them together or this company will start plummeting toward getting shut down." He said that to me so good that I never bothered forgetting about it.
Tolee: How long was this?
Tyler: Not that long. I say about a few months to a year ago. I can't really tell.
Rintoo: Alright guys, here we are. It's time to put that mean emperor in his place.
[Rintoo and the crew arrives at Emperor Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright. I think we might get in through the back fence.
Tolee: How are we gonna do that?
Rintoo: Watch this. [throws a raw steak at the guard dogs] This'll lead us to the secret entrance, which is the cellar.
Tyler: How do you know about this place?
Rintoo: I kinda snooped around one time. It really got to me when I noticed how big this place was compared to our castle.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to one of Malmard's windows. Rintoo is trying to see if he can carefully open it without setting off any alarms.]
Hoho: Are you sure this plan will work?
Rintoo: Are you kidding me? It's fool-proof. Now follow my lead.
[Rintoo gives out several hand signals leading into the plan to straighten out Malmard. He tells the group to quietly climb into the window and sneak into his main lounge, which is what he calls his relaxation cottage. After everyone is inside, Rintoo points them into the direction of the relaxation cottage, where Malmard and his assistances are currently enjoying their salads. This is where Rintoo puts on a fake mustache and a delivery suit.]
Malmard: Guys, I don't know how to say this, but today, I feel like I've done something amazing.
Assistant #1: What's that, sir?
Malmard: You know those no caroling flyers I put up today?
Assistant #2: Yeah.
Malmard: They've already been up for hours, and so far, no carolers have come to my door. I have a feeling that this holiday seasons might been the most quiet one China has ever had.
[There is a knock on the door, and one of the assistants goes over to answer it.]
Assistant #2: Can I help you?
Rintoo: [in a deep voice] Yes, do you know where I could find some red gush?
Assistant #2: Red gush? I don't if we have some, but I could go look.
Rintoo: No need, because I think I have what I need. [pulls off his disguise]
Malmard: Vic, who's at the door?
Vic: No one that I think you shouldn't see.
Malmard: That's impossible. If I knew someone was coming to the door, I would see them if I wanted to.
[Malmard walks around, and sees it's Rintoo.]
Malmard: You! What the hell do you think you're doing here?!
Rintoo: I might ask you that same question. What do you think you're doing?
Malmard: What do you think you're doing? Snooping around in my sacred castle, and pulling a fake cover just to get at me? I never thought you would pull it off.
Rintoo: Don't give me that nonsense. I here to set you straight.
Malmard: On what? What do you want to straighten me out for?
Rintoo: This.
Malmard: Oh, I see you found my little flyer about no Christmas caroling.
Rintoo: That's right! How dare you ban something that people have been doing for years. Do you know how many people have gotten upset about this.
Malmard: You don't know what people think about these posters. I'm pretty sure that once they don't think about going Christmas caroling they'll have the right mind to spend more time with their families. Plus, I don't enjoy singing. It's an absolute eyesore and it hurts my ears just thinking about it. Now on another note, you didn't think about bringing the rest of your posse around here, did you?
Rintoo: I'll let you figure that out. Come on out guys!
[Kai-Lan and the rest of the group comes out.]
Kai-Lan: Malmard, you need to stop this nonsense.
Hoho: Yeah, you can't take Christmas caroling away from us.
Tyler: Malmard, what you're doing is against all regulations of the holidays.
Malmard: Ah Tyler, the one man that can make marshmallows taste as good as ever.
Tyler: Don't give me that...you really like my company's marshmallows? I actually think they could use some more flavor in them...wait a minute?! You can't fool me with that logic.
Malmard: Rintoo, I don't know why you and your little entourage is doing in my personal relaxation cottage, but all of you need to get your mild mannered asses out of here before I have my assistants throw out each and every last one of you. And I'll make sure you don't live to be emperor anymore.
Tolee: Aren't you taking this a little too far?
Malmard: [yelling] I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me how far I'm taking this! Obviously, you must have no goddamn idea what Christmas caroling has done to me. It even has my assistants in an uproar.
Vic: It's true. We can't stop singing, and it's even gotten our dear emperor into a deep anger, and it's even making him wanna explode all over China's ass.
Malmard: Now you see why I banned caroling this year. It's nothing that's gonna make me happy, or do this palace a favor. So I'm giving you guys 1 minute to get the hell out of here starting now, or I'm having Vic and Paul drag you out. What is it gonna be?
[There is a brief silence.]
Rintoo: [sighs] Let's go.
[The gang starts leaving Malmard's palace. Rintoo stops for a second to say one last thing before leaving.]
Rintoo: Malmard, I hope someone comes over and tells you off.
Malmard: Unfortunately, that is already happening.
Rintoo: [starts leaving] This ain't over. I'll be back. And when I do, you'll be able to oversee this ban. [leaves the room]
Malmard: Okay, what the fuck just happened?
[The scene cuts to the group back on the road. Rintoo is still at work thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban.]
Tyler: That was the worst castle raid I have ever been to. I mean, this is even worst than when I broke into the rival marshmallow company.
Kai-Lan: There's a rival marshmallow company?
Tyler: Yeah. It's called Perfect Mallows. They say they're the best marshmallow company in China, but they're wrong. All they do is copy our recipes and take all the credit for it.
Tolee: How long has this been going on?
Tyler: A few years. My company has tried so hard to get those cheating bastards to come to their senses, but no, they don't want to cave in and cease operation. They just wanna keep going and steal all of our money. I tell ya, they make so mad I just wanna go to each of their houses with rolls of toilet paper and TP them.
Rintoo: Tyler, you know what you just did?
Tyler: What?
Rintoo: You just gave me the most awesome idea ever.
Tyler: What, TPing Malmard's castle?
Rintoo: Not really. I was referring to cheating him out of his ban. If he sees what he did was wrong, then he'll have to stop the ban.
Tyler: The only question is, will this get him to cave in?
Rintoo: I hope it will.
[The scene cuts back to the palace.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, what do you think about these Christmas lights. Are they enough to light up the tree?
Rintoo: Hmm. Why not?
Kai-Lan: Okay then. [throws the lights on the tree and turns them on] Super. I knew they would light up the entire tree.
[Rintoo is so busy thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban that he doesn't notice how good the lights are on the tree. This makes Kai-Lan wonder about him.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, you've been thinking about how to get back at Malmard's ban ever since we got back home. Matter of fact, you've been wrapped up in it that you didn't even notice the Christmas lights. Don't you love them?
Rintoo: Huh. [looks at the tree] Oh, it's fantastic. I actually like it.
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, is something wrong?
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, nothing is wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?
Kai-Lan: Well, for starters, you're looking into plans for your revenge on Malmard. And that's all you've been doing for the last two hours.
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, there are many things that would make me happy, but making Malmard take caroling away from us is not one of those things. And knowing that getting him to change his mind will make me the happiest emperor tiger in China.
Kai-Lan: Gee, I hope you figure something out.
Rintoo: Oh, I will.
[Kai-Lan leaves the room.]
Rintoo: I just hope whatever I come up with works, or Christmas will be ruined.
[The scene cuts back to Malmard's castle.]
Malmard: Who does that little prick think he is? Trying to ruin my Christmas plans, and convinces me to take off my no caroling ban? How rude.
Paul: Sir, don't you think you're taking this ban thing a little too far?
Malmard: Hell, no. It's for our sake, remember?
Paul: But I still think we're doing this out of proportion. I mean, people go Christmas caroling every day, and it never affected you before.
Malmard: Yeah, but that was before I got my test results back.
Vic: Emperor Malmard, just because someone told you about your little situation doesn't mean you have to take it away from everyone else.
Malmard: Are you two trying to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? Do you think I need to check myself into a mental hospital, and tell them how crazy I am? Is that what you two fools think?
Paul: No sir, not at all.
Malmard: I hope so, because if you did, you two clowns wouldn't think of the harsh firing I would do to you.
Vic: I wouldn't want to think about it too.
Paul: Me neither.
Malmard: Now getting back to the subject of matter: How are going to keep this ban going? I feel like we should put up more letters. I think we should do that.
Paul: But won't that upset everyone?
Malmard: That's what I'm hoping for. Now hear me out right now. We make a couple more letters and post them all over town, and put an urgent message warning them what will happen if they do.
Paul: You already did that when we made that first batch of messages.
Malmard: I did?
Vic: House arrest for 2 weeks.
Malmard: Oh yeah I did. Huh, you know what. Two weeks sounds so simple. How about an entire month.
Vic: Then that person won't be able to do their daily activities.
Malmard: Well, too bad on them. This is for my sanity and well-being. Now help me make more letters. This town needs less caroling this Christmas.
[The scene cuts back to the palace, where Rintoo, Tolee, Hoho and Tyler are thinking of how to get back at Malmard's ban.]
Tyler: How much have you come up with, Rintoo?
Rintoo: Practically that much. Since we came back, that's all I've been thinking about.
Tyler: That's a starter.
Hoho: I thought of something.
Rintoo: Really? What is it?
Hoho: How about we come back in even better costumes, then we can trick Malmard into bringing caroling back. You know, like in that old Ebenezer Scrooge story, when he was visited by the ghost of Christmas past.
Tolee: You know what? I think that might be a great idea. Don't you think, guys?
Tyler: Yeah, then we could be able to get him into doing some other stuff that would humiliate him.
Rintoo: I'm liking what I'm hearing so far.
Hoho: I think we might have some white sheets we could use as ghost costumes.
Rintoo: Sweet, let's do it.
[The scene changes to a montage of the guys gathering up several old white sheets. This montage ends within 10 seconds.]
Tyler: Okay, do we have enough sheets?
Rintoo: We have five sheets and there's four of us. So I think we're good.
Hoho: And we have some backup just in case.
Kai-Lan: [walks in] You guys aren't planning something dangerous, are you?
Rintoo: What? Of course not. We would never consider gathering up random things to cause trouble. Now would we?
Hoho: Oh no, we wouldn't. Especially around Christmas.
Kai-Lan: Oh okay. See you guys later. [walks off]
Tyler: Okay, get this stuff in the car.
[The guys gather up all the sheets and stuff them in the trunk.]
Tyler: Gentlemen, I think we're ready to scare Malmard out of his misery.
All: Yeah!
Rintoo: Alright, let's do this.
[The scene changes back to Malmard's castle. The guys are pulling out all their supplies for their plan, which they think might work.]
Rintoo: Guys, I don't know if this plan might work, but I hope it does. Because there is no way that there a caroling ban will ruin Christmas. I say if it doesn't work, there's always Plan B.
Tyler: Rintoo's right. We may not achieve if Malmard finds out it's us, but he may not have an idea if we use fake voices.
Tolee: Good idea. I can try to make myself sound like I have a little accent. I've been working on impersonations for a while.
Tyler: And I've been wanting to try out my new British accent for quite sometime now. Check it out. [talks in a British accent] Allow there, chap.
Hoho: Pretty nice.
Tyler: Thanks. Now, everyone got their ghost sheets and their emergency weapons?
Rintoo, Hoho, Tolee: Yeah.
Tyler: Then let's rock.
[The beginning of "Bad to the Bone" plays as the four walk toward Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright, we can sneak in through the main entrance. From what I figured out, no one could be guarding it by now.
Tolee: You sure?
Rintoo: Is having this much luck in becoming the most eligible emperor if China being sure?
Tolee: I guess so.
Rintoo: Alright then. Let's so this.
[Tyler and the boys quietly enter the castle without being spotted. They then find Malmard in one of his many rooms, enjoying some of his favorite citrus tea.]
Malmard: I love me this tea.
[All of a sudden, he hears a noise.]
Malmard: What was that?
Paul: What was what?
Malmard: That noise. G-go see what it is.
[Paul and Vic head outside. When they get there, they are somehow captured and tied up in chairs. Malmard realizes that both of his assistants are taking too long.]
Malmard: What the hell is taking those buffoons too long?
[This makes Malmard go outside and check it out for himself.]
Malmard: Vic, Paul, where the hell are you two at?! You better not be playing a joke on me, 'cause I can tell if two are doing something! Can you two hear me, or do you need hearing aids?! Something's going on here. Usually those two come to me whenever I have something to say.
[Somehow, Rintoo and the guys appear behind him.]
Rintoo: Hello, Malmard.
Malmard: Ahh. Who the hell are you?
Hoho: [makes spooky noises] We are the ghosts of Christmas past.
Malmard: Really? That's the best you could think of?
Tyler: Silence! We are here to show what you are doing is wrong.
Malmard: What are you talking about? I haven't done anything wrong.
Tyler: Except for you banning Christmas caroling in China.
Malmard: Oh that. I knew what I was doing and I did it for a reason.
Tolee: What would want to ban caroling?
Malmard: Okay, I'll tell ya. But I have one proposition.
Rintoo: What would that be?
Malmard: [sighs] The reason I banned Christmas caroling this year is because...the last I went to the doctor, I had a little test on my hearing, and he told me that I might have a slight chance of losing it.
Tyler: Well then. I guess it's best of what we have to do now. Let's reveal who we really are.
[The guys take off their disguises.]
Malmard: What the?! H-h-h-how did you...?
Rintoo: Manage to trick you into telling us why you wanted to ban Christmas caroling?
Malmard: Yes. I mean, why the holy hell would you trick outta something that is sacred to me? Do you have any idea how stupid you guys are gonna make me feel after this? Huh?! Do ya?!
Tolee: I think we do.
Malmard: You know. You guys outta be ashamed of yourselves. Dressing up as ghosts and pretending to scare me into giving up my big secret. Huh, I should have the nerve to call the damn police and sue you for trespassing.
Tyler: Wait. Before you decide to have us locked up, we just wanna say this: Instead of banning something because you might lose your hearing, why don't you try it to see whether you like it or not.
Hoho: Yeah. Why don't you give it a try, instead of trying to put a ban on it?
Malmard: You know what, monkey. I have no idea.
Rintoo: Well now, you get a chance to experience what caroling feels like.
Malmard: [sighs] Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.
Rintoo: Sweet.
Tolee: Malmard, get ready to carol.
Malmard: Oh just one quick question.
Rintoo: What's that?
Malmard: Why are my men tied up?
Rintoo: [laughs] I guess I kinda went too far.
Malmard: You think.
[The scene changes to the first house Kai-Lan and friends will be caroling at.]
Tolee: Alright, Malmard. This is where we start caroling. Just relax and you'll see how much fun caroling can be.
Malmard: I hope I enjoy it. Otherwise, the ban stays.
Kai-Lan: Say Rintoo, how did you guys managed to get Malmard to change his mind about Christmas caroling?
Rintoo: We got him to tell us why he wanted to ban caroling in the first place, which was pretty easy once we got to talk to him.
Kai-Lan: Well, however you got him to spill what was going on, I'm pretty sure it will help with the ban.
[The scene changes to the door. Rintoo knocks.]
Man: Coming.
Rintoo: Alright Malmard, you ready?
Malmard: I think. I just hope my voice doesn't give out.
[A man comes out of his house.]
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Rintoo: Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Tolee: O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way [laughs]
Hoho: Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
Kai-Lan: What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
Man: Amazing, simply amazing. You guys are really talented.
Kai-Lan: Well, we have the best.
Man: Well, all I gotta say is that I'm glad I got the royal crew here tonight. Thanks again for the song.
Kai-Lan: You're welcome.
Rintoo: So Malmard, how did that make you feel?
Malmard: It kinda made me feel great. It's like something was missing from my life. It's making me wanna do it again.
Tyler: Well, there's nothing stopping you. We got a bunch of houses to go to. And we're not gonna get to them standing here. Let's hop to it.
[A snippet of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" plays as Kai-Lan and the gang go caroling from house to house. Some of the montage also features Malmard taking down some of the letters about the ban on caroling.]
Malmard: [laughs] Wow, that was awesome! I never felt so alive!
Hoho: See, I told you that you would get used to it.
Malmard: Well, I didn't push no buttons or anything.
Kai-Lan: Hey Malmard, do you think I could ask you something?
Malmard: Sure. Hit me up.
Kai-Lan: How did you get so mean and cold-hearted?
Malmard: Okay. I think it's best you guys should know this upfront. It's kinda hard to say this, but...I was born in a distant city outside of the UK. I was a happy, little boy. I enjoyed everything about life. My dad was always getting in each other's throats. There were times where he used to go at me the most, or my mom. He was a horrible man. He would curse and fight anyone who got in his way. One day, he told my mom that he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. So he left. It left us heartbroken, especially my mom. It was now up to her to my mom, and with the help of my uncle, who was the head of Perfect Mallows.
Tyler: What?! You mean to tell me that all this long time, Nutbrown Hare Industries has been battling with a company that was run by your uncle?!
Malmard: Well, I wouldn't say my uncle, really. He was the founder of the company, then he passed down the operations to his son, which is my nephew.
Tyler: You mean that goody goody two shoes Matt Malmard?
Malmard: That's right.
Tyler: So does that mean he's has a bad bone in him too?
Malmard: Nope.
Tyler: Good to know.
Malmard: Now where was I? My uncle moved in with me so I could have a male role model in my childhood. He was always there for me in my time of need. By the time I left the house, my uncle was about to hand the company to one of my cousins. At that time, my dad came back. And he was mad! And I'm not talking about temporary madness, I'm talking about he was red in his face. So red that he was gonna explode right in his face. He came up to my uncle and told him that he better get his stupid ass away from me or he was gonna throw him out a window, then throw him into a car, while watching him bleed. So he did what he said, and then he asked me to come with him for something.
Rintoo: What was it?
Malmard: It was horrible. Once we got there, he made me into what I became. First, he put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I was in a pillow factory. It was so scary that I screamed for my life. But my father didn't let me. He made sure the doors were bolted shut, and he had security there to make sure I didn't escape. What happened to me didn't go smoothly. He completely brainwashed me into becoming a coldhearted, overachieving, selfish and ignorant emperor that had high hopes of taking over a large country. So I decided to come here. When I met you guys, I didn't know what to think of you. Part of what was left of my old self wanted to be friends, but my new self wanted revenge.
Rintoo: But wait, you didn't meet me until after that commercial you were in aired.
Malmard: True, but that's when I realized that I was still trying to get my bad side out of me. But nothing happened. I was stuck inside my mean body for the rest of my life. But luckily, you guys made me do something that I never done before. And that's how I became what I am.
Kai-Lan: Wow, I didn't know you had a hard life.
Malmard: It was a drag.
Kai-Lan: I know your pain.
Malmard: And the worst part is: I never got a chance to do some of the things I wanted to do.
[Everyone gasps.]
Malmard: That's right. I had a list of things that I planned on doing before I became an emperor. But thanks to my dad messing up my adulthood, I never did.
Tolee: Well, we can help you with some of those things. That is, if you want us.
Malmard: [gasps] Really?
Rintoo: Of course. From what we heard, you sound like a nice guy who was stuck being mean for the rest of your life.
Hoho: And we now know that you're just a pretty nice guy.
Tyler: And even though the rival marshmallow company and I are having a little beef right now, I can find it in my heart to forgive you.
Malmard: You know what. I'm glad that I got that out of my chest. It makes me feel like the man I used to be. And I gotta say: I am happy that you guys have agreed to be my friends.
Kai-Lan: So are we.
Hoho: [hugs Malmard] Bao bao. Bao bao.
[The others join in the hug.]
Malmard: This...is the greatest moment of my life.
[The camera pans away from the gang. The scene then changes to Christmas day, where everyone is at the palace, including Malmard's assistants, are enjoying the morning as they open their presents.]
Malmard: Well, I did it. I made it through without being mean. It's amazing. You know, I think I might be on the verge of getting back to my old self.
Rintoo: We're really proud of you, Malmard. Not only did you get through not being mean, but you really went through in your time of need.
Malmard: And all I needed was a little courage to get me through it.
Kai-Lan: And we helped you.
Malmard: And I appreciate it. Listen guys. I liked what you did you me over the past few days. It made me realize that what my dad put me through is a thing of the past. And I gotta say, they were horrible.
Hoho: And we know you wouldn't have liked it.
Malmard: [laughs] Good one.
Lulu: Hey Malmard, this one's for you.
[Malmard grabs his gift.]
Malmard: [gasps] Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Kai-Lan: What is it?
Malmard: It's something that I've been wanting my entire life.
Hoho: Tell us.
Malmard: It's...my very own toy train.
Rintoo: I figured you might like it.
Malmard: Like it? I love it! But why? I thought you hated me.
Rintoo: Nah. I hated the old you. Now that I got to know who you really are, I thought you would want a little something as a token of my gratitude.
Malmard: Oh, my God. I-I don't know what to say, except...thanks.
Rintoo: Why, you're welcome.
Kai-Lan: Hey guys, since we're all here together, why don't we sing.
Malmard: Good idea.
[Everyone gathers around for the song.]
All: We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year.
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some, so bring some out here.
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!
Malmard: Merry Christmas to all. And to all, love, happiness, and great passion.
Kai-Lan: And lots of fun to come along.
[The Gang continues their party, while the camera pans away from the palace, while an instrumental version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays.]
End of episode.
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Sony Pictures Television, Inc. and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
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