After losing my best friend, Barry, I slipped into a depression. My grandparents refused to see me. My less consistent friends turned their backs on me. The only ones there for me were my aunt and uncle, my brother, Daniel, and my cousin, Barbara Ann. I had very little, if any, self-confidence. I didn't even try to confront Grandpa again, fearing he would beat me again. The only thing that brought me any happiness was music. I still enjoyed the Beatles above all others, but I liked to explore different bands as well. I overheard someone talking about a metal band called System of a Down, so I decided to check them out. I never listened to metal before. I picked up a CD titled, "Steal This Album!" I listened to it, and I fell in love with it. I felt a connection with some of the lyrics in the song, "Ego Brain".
"You see my pain is real
Watch my world dissolve
And pretend that none of us see the fall."
What I took from that lyric is this. The songwriter is experiencing a lot of emotional pain, and he's pretending that he's all right. It made me feel better knowing that somebody out there knew how I was feeling. I still wished I had some friends, but I was getting nothing but bullied. In life science, I learned that I was ugly, a loser, and a freak. In English, I learned that I don't belong. In mathematics, I learned that I was lame. Should I go on? No, I think I covered it well. One thing I didn't learn was why no one helped me. I went home crying one day. Daniel said, "Hey, little sis. Are you okay?" I said, "No." He asked, "What's wrong?" I said, "It's nothing. Forget I said anything." He said, "No, it's okay. You can tell me." I said, "I'm a freak." He said, "Erin, you are not a freak." I then said, "And I'm a loser." He said, "No, Erin!" I said, "And I don't belong." He said, "Oh, my God! Where on Earth did you get ideas like that?" I said, "That's all I ever get told in school. No one ever helps me. Nobody cares." He said, "Erin, I had no idea all this was going on." I said, "Nobody loves me." He said, "That's bullshit, and you know it!" He told my aunt and uncle. My aunt said, "Erin, we all love you very much." My uncle said, "That's right. Don't ever think you are not loved. If someone's picking on you, please tell us. We'll try to fix it." My aunt paid a visit to the school. The bullying slowed down, but I still wished I had friends. Everybody needs a least one friend.
"You see my pain is real
Watch my world dissolve
And pretend that none of us see the fall."
What I took from that lyric is this. The songwriter is experiencing a lot of emotional pain, and he's pretending that he's all right. It made me feel better knowing that somebody out there knew how I was feeling. I still wished I had some friends, but I was getting nothing but bullied. In life science, I learned that I was ugly, a loser, and a freak. In English, I learned that I don't belong. In mathematics, I learned that I was lame. Should I go on? No, I think I covered it well. One thing I didn't learn was why no one helped me. I went home crying one day. Daniel said, "Hey, little sis. Are you okay?" I said, "No." He asked, "What's wrong?" I said, "It's nothing. Forget I said anything." He said, "No, it's okay. You can tell me." I said, "I'm a freak." He said, "Erin, you are not a freak." I then said, "And I'm a loser." He said, "No, Erin!" I said, "And I don't belong." He said, "Oh, my God! Where on Earth did you get ideas like that?" I said, "That's all I ever get told in school. No one ever helps me. Nobody cares." He said, "Erin, I had no idea all this was going on." I said, "Nobody loves me." He said, "That's bullshit, and you know it!" He told my aunt and uncle. My aunt said, "Erin, we all love you very much." My uncle said, "That's right. Don't ever think you are not loved. If someone's picking on you, please tell us. We'll try to fix it." My aunt paid a visit to the school. The bullying slowed down, but I still wished I had friends. Everybody needs a least one friend.
When I had entered the fifth grade, I was dreading it. I had heard rumors that the teacher was really mean. When I met her before school started, she seemed really nice. On the first day of school, I was wearing one of my Beatles t-shirts. She noticed it, and she said, "Darling, I love you already!" I said, "Okay, then." She would take up for me all the time. The other kids often called me glasses. She heard them and said, "She has a name, guys. Her name is not glasses. It's Winter." There was one day when another girl kept picking on me. I finally had enough and said, "I might look sweet and innocent, but that shit is for suckers, and I'm no lollipop." I looked at the teacher. She winked and said, "I heard nothing." I would have had her for the sixth grade, too, but unfortunately, I moved to Tennessee as soon as the school year was over. We both cried. We promised to keep in touch with each other, and we've kept in touch to this day.