1;
Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store.
But out in the forest, not too far away...
Nearby forest. Cute forest animals gather round and decorate a small pine tree.
Narrator: The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day.
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas!
Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
(wow, real orginal XD)
Narrator: And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was our favorite red pony.
Saten (drinks light beer, already had 4 before it, crossing forest to get to Trixie's new house in ponyville): Still better than I use to drink... (sees them) What the hell?
Rabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest.
Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree?
Saten: I.. I really don't care.
Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the other cheer]
Saten (annoyed): I don't have time for thi-
Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem.
Deery: What is it, Mousey?
Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.
Critters: Awww.
Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it.
Saten (annoyed): Can't I ever just cross the forest in peace.
Rabbity: What are we gonna do?
Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star.
Critters [among other things]: Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?
Stan: Fine I'll get your stupid star if it means you leaving me alone.
Critters: [cheering] Yay!
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Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the happy red Pegasus made a star for the tree. Smiling the whole time.
Saten: (not smiling) There, its done, can I go now?
Critters: Ohhhh!
Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw.
Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile...
Beavery (smiling): How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
Narrator: Saten Twist smiled and said...
Stan [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go. [turns around, and walks off]
Beavery: Goo- goodbye Twisty!
Critters: Goodbye, Saten! Bye! Cya!
Saten (to himself) (annoyed): Uhhh.
Saten finally arrives at Trixe's house.
Trixie: What took you?
Saten: I'll tell you later.. Diner ready?
Trixie: Sure..
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THE NEXT MORNING:
Saten and Trixie assumably had sex sense this is a more mature seres than the real MLP, though it only shows the aftermath, Trixie's hair messy. Though she looks a little disappointed.
Saten: ... I'm really sorry.
Trixie: No, you were nervous. It's okay.
Saten: Lot on my mind.
Trixie: There were.. Parts.. I liked.
Saten: ... Good enough for me, I should use the bathroom.. (turns on lamp and sees the critters) AHHH!
Trixie (covers herself that much more): AHHH, WHAT!?
Saten (annoyed): Nothing, just those stupid critters again.
Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
Saten (annoyed): Guys! Get out my future wife is naked.. Well, she never wears clothes, but in the contant of this scene.. It's bad!
Trixie: ... Future wife.
Saten: Yeah, I see you being m-
Rabbity: That's a hot girl Saten.
Saten (annoyed): Just get out!
Squirrely: But you two aren't gonna believe what happened. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!
Trixie (also annoyed): I agree, just get out.
Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant!
Saten (annoyed): We don't care!
Mousey: I deduce the ponies don't understand the seriousness of the fertilization.
Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin love-birds. Her conception was immaculate.
Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior.
Trixie (sighs): Not this crap.
Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day.
Mousey: So soon!
Skunky: How delightful!
Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved!
Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer]
Squirrely [hops onto Trixie's bed]: There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in.
Saten: (annoyed facepalm)
Critters: Awwww.
Beary: But we got to have a manger.
Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh?
Critters: (Cheers)
Narrator: "Of course we will build you a little manger!" Trixie cried, and she winked at the critters and leapt to their side!
Trixie (does none of that as she frowns): ... Fine, if your leave us alone.
Saten: They won't, but screw it, we're up now. May as well do something.
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The forest. Trixie has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place. Her hair white uncombed. It actually kinda pretty. In a unkempt kinda way. Saten stays in the back, smoking a jointas he's not needed. And feel "needs one"
Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.
Trixie: (to Saten) Any more of those?
Saten: You smoke?
Trixie: not til just now.
Saten: Good point (passes the joint to her and she uses it) May wanna take it slow. Your first time using it sense that hippy concert you went too.
Trixie: (coughs) Yeah.. Not my proudest memory.. (smokes more)
Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw.
Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord.
Raccoony (tired): Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
Porcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest.
Woodpeckery: Fit for a king!
Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near -
Saten: [as they sing, pulling out new joint, Trixie keeps the other one and walks over to the critters] All right, we're going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.]
Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving the ponies to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree, Saten, by instinct, sheilds Trixie).
Saten: Uhhh, Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.]
Squirrely: Is it gone?
Saten: I think so.
Skunky [behind a low tree]: I'm not c-c-comin' out.
Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again.
Trixie (throws away joint): Again?
Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord.
Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.
Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born.
Critters: Awwww! [some of them sob]
Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Saten!
Raccoony: Of course! Saten can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!
Narrator: Of coarse I will! Saten cried with joy.
Saten (dryly) No.. (starts leaving, throwing away joint)
Trixie: Saten wait.. What if Fluttershy finds out we let them die. We're never hear the end of it.
Saten: ... Fine.
Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer] The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays.
Trixie: (kisses his cheek) Come back to me alive.
Saten: In case I don't.. (kisses her on the lips for a whole minute, which is longer than you think)
Saten: (pulls away and reluntantely flies up to the mountain)
Trixie: ... (picks up his joint) I'm gonna need this.
Rabbity: He'll be fine.
Trixie: If he doesn't.. Your be safer with the lion than from me.
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Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...
Saten (annoyed as he flies up to mountain): Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!
Narrator: Said the little red pony.
Saten (annoyed): Shut up.
Narrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.
Saten (timidly infront of cave): G -Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he prepares his wings. The lion lunges at him, but Saten flies up in the air and out of the way, and the lion falls over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.]
Narrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
Saten Twist flies down to check if it's really dead.
Saten: Huh, that wasn't so bad.
[three lion cubs approach the entrance]
Lion Cub 1: Mommy?
Saten: … Uh oh.
Lon cub 1: Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!
Lion Cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy.
Saten: (stands there awkwardly as the cubs spot him) red pony, why?! Why did you kill our mommy? Why?
Saten: [at a loss for words] I.. They said.. I… Critter Christmas.
(the cubs cry around the corpse).
Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died.
Saten: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut): Aw, god-DAMMIT!
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The critters are still there. Trixie paces anxiously.
Porcupiney [feeling a kick]: Oooo.
Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney?
Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.
Beavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead.
Fox: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole.
Trixie (sarcastically): Way to comfort me.
Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew.
Trixie: Guess that means I gotta kill you (prepares horn)
Critters: Awwww.
Trixie: Shut up!
Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Saten approaching them, looking sad]
Trixie: (hugs him excitedly)
The critters gather in front of him.
Mousey: you're alive!
Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?
Saten (quitely): Yeah.. She's dead.
Deery: For real and for true?!
Beavery: Are you sure?
Saten: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
Squirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!
Critters: Hail Satan!
Saten: ... You mean me right?
Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, ponies! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!
Critters: Yaaay! [they head over to the manger]
Saten: Wai-wait, the Antichrist? You said she was giving birth to your savior!
Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.
Saten: But we thought you meant the Son of God!
Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
Trixie: Sex wit- WHAT!?
Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!
Saten: I knew this was a mistake.
Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
Saten: Wait what!?
Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
The other critters cheer. As Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade.
Trixie: OH MY GOD!
The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw.
Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood!
Saten and Trixie are frozen in shock.
Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!
Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!
The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background plays "Lucifers Hymm" during all this, starting from Rabbity's death.
Saten and Trixie stare at them, traumatized.
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Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day.
And all of this because of the little red pony, for killing a lion.
Saten is shown in his house, with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room.
Saten: Uhhh.
Narrator: "I know!" Saten Twist said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
Saten: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk]
Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right!
Saten enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV.
TV: In west Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground, is where I spent most of my days.
Narrrator: (aham) And he went back to the forest to set everything right!
Angry look on his face, Saten turns the volume up to drown out the narrator.
Narrator: He tried to ignore the issue with TV, but his conscience caught up with him, and to the forest he did flee...
Saten: (turns it louder)
Narrator: He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Saten rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!
Saten (annoyedly): Leave me alone!
Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he -
Saten: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!.. GOD! [He turns off the TV, hops off the couch, stomping off.
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The woodland critters continue decorating their tree and also the manger Trixie made them.
Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Twisty. [the other critters turn and look, Saten flies over, Trixie behind him for backup.
Woodpeckery: Oh boy, buddy. You came just in time!
Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. We ne-
Saten (holding hammer): Shut up! We're not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this!
Beavery: To stop us?
Trixie: You heard him.
Beary: But gee whiz Saten, if you and your lady try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya.
Saten: Right, whatever. [turns around readying hammer] I'm taking down the manger Trixie built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Saten.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] AAAH! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] AHH AHHHH! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror, hiding behind Trixie who doesn't seem mind]
[The critters' eyes revert back to normal.]
Beary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick!
Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day!
Squirrely (goes over to them): Sorry ponies, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion.
Skunky: And you got rid of her.
Critters: Yay!
Fluttershy suddenly flies over, wearing a santa hat, cause it's christmas.
Beavery: Wow, look, it's that pegasus that kicked us out.
Raccoony: Let's eat his flesh!
Critters: Yaaay!
Fluttershy: What the hell is going on?
Trixie: It's Critter Christmas, girl! It sucks ass!
Fluttershy: What are you guys doing?
Raccoony: We finally did it, Fluttershy! We're about to bring forth the Antichrist with help from our new friends.
Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Yay!
Fluttershy: Saten!
Saten: I'm sorry, they tricked us.. I... I tried to stop them!
Trixie: Well don't worry, I know only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [She reaches back and whips out a sawed off pump-shotgun. She fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.]
Trixie: HOLLY SHIT!
Critters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Fluttershy fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.]
Saten: Yeah! Go Fluttershy!
Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Fluttershy. Trixie fires a spell killing Squirrely.
Saten: Nice one.
Fluttershy continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.
Beary (tries playing cute) Gee whiz, Fluttershy, you're not gonna kill me, are yo- [His head is blown off by her gun, and he goes down.]
Fluttershy (throws down gun and back to normal cute self): There.. They're dead.. We saved Christmas.. We get a wish.. Anything you guys wanna wishful?
Saten [thinks]: Yeah.. There is.
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The lions' cave. Some magic revives the mother lion.
Mother Lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened?
Cubs: Mommy! (they hug her)
Saten (watching with the girls) [relieved]: Oh, good.
---------------------------------------------------
Trixie: Man.. This was fucked up Christmas..
Saten: Yeah.. But still beat thanksgiving with Derpy's crazy boyfriend.
----------------------------------------------------
Master Sword: I've been waiting for this all year.. (pulls out the turkey) Giving you people the bird.
Saten: Oh.. (hand goes to the turkey) Looks so go- AH! SHIT!
Sword: (stabbed the hand with large fork) Neh uh.. Not til we say grace.
2;
Saten Twist and Master Sword are at a mall, only to get a rude brush-off from the Santa who works there when he leaves for the night. As a result, Sword vows to kill Santa for blowing him off. And knowing Sword, he wasn't joking.
Saten: Man, you may want to calm down there.
Sword: If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming..(pulls out Pistol) And it's full of led (points it)
Saten: (slaps it away) Geez louise man!
Sword: You know what. I'm killing him. You're driving me. Let's go.
Saten: Dri... Driving you where?
Sword; To the North Pole to see Santa Claus.
Saten: Really? Up to the North Pole? How do you expect me to get there?
Sword: We drive
Saten: I'm not driving you to north pole.
Voice: Bar closing
Saten: ... Okay I'll drve you.
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FAKE NORTH POLE:
Sword: This is it huh?
Saten: Yep. This is it.
Teen: Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls? Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?!
Sword: ... Saten. Does the North Pole usually having teenagers.
Saten: Yeah, sure.
Sword: Hmm... Let me ask something else.. (pins him on wall pointing the gun) YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT!?
Saten: I..
Sword: You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, dude! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!
Saten: What?
Sword: Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!
Saten: Okay Sword, there's something I should probably tell you.
Sword: Fine (lowers gun)
Saten: I hate to tell you this Sword, but there really is no Santa.
Sword: ... (chuckles) That's funny.. I thought you said Santa wasn't real.. What's next, hmm? . Um, who else isn't real? Hmm? Y -You gonna tell me Elmo isn't real? Or SpongeBob? Is he not real? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Hmm? Is Curious George not out there makin' little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool!
Saten: Guess we'll have to do this the hard way then.
Sword: you know, you know why nothing works out for you, Twist!? Because you've got a negative attitude.
Saten: Oh, that's not fair Master. I don't think I have a negative attitude. I just don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey whe...
Sword: I still have a loaded gun.. Now drive me to the real North Pole.
Saten: What do I get out of this?
Sword: Help me and ... I'll take you and Trixie with me to Los Pegasus.
Sword: I'll even pay for the greatest buffets.
Saten: Fine..
-----------------------------------------------------------
(They drive to Canada but the car breaks down).
Saten: Well that's just great.
Canadian: Hey there fokes.
Sword: Well this is convienent.
Canadian: Oh, hey there. You're having some car troubles, eh?
Saten: Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from Triple A, are you?
Canadian: Who?
Saten: Triple A, you know? A-A-A.
Canadian: Oh, AA, eh? Oh, I just came from AA.
Saten: No, not AA! AAA!
Canadian: Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh?
Saten:: Oh, so you are with Triple A.
Canadian: Oh, no, that's AAA. I just came from AA, eh?
Sword: Saten I think he's just a drunk.
Saten: Hold on Master, I'm handling this.
Canadian: Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? You have cash, eh?
Saten: Well, I dunno, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here.
Sword: Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
Canadian: Oh, a car won't take ya there anyway. But if ya like, you can take my snowmobile.
Saten: ... Really?
Canadian: Oh, sure. That's what Canadian hospitality's all aboot. If ya like, you can have all my money and my leg.
Sword: ... Okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(skip to the two on the snowmoblie, Sword holding the leg)
Saten: Why'd we take his leg?
Sword: We're in their country, Saten, we have to observe their customs. (drops leg on bump)
Sword: ... Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey.
Saten: That pun was bad and you should feel bad.
Sword (annoyed): Fuck off.
Saten: I would, but then you'd be all alone.
---------------------------------------------------
(They arrive)
Sword: There it is, Santa's factory
Saten: ...
Saten: I don't believe it
They knock and sure enough Santa appears. However Santa is a sick and elderly looking, dying man.
Saten: Santa!?
Santa: Who are you?
Sword: I'm Master Sword (pulls out the handgun) AND I'M HERE TO KILL YOU!
Santa: ... Oh thank god. *kneels in front of them* Please do it.
Sword: What?
Santa: (puts gun in mouth) Do it!
Sword: You.. Want me two?
Santa: Put me out of my misery!
Sword: Whoa man, there's no sport in that.
Santa: *starts coughing, Saten helps him up*
Saten: I... I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy.
Santa (shows the factory to be dark gloomy place, and the elfs ll deformed and grey skinned, and the Raindeers all rabid wild animals): I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod?! I've got orders for millions of 'em!
Saten: ... (crosses iPod off his list).
Santa: Look at those poor elves.. they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind. The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a blood-lust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What God would allow this?
Sword (actually frightened, which for him is saying a lot): This is none of the songs or specials!
Saten: How could you let this happen?!
Santa: Me!? I didn't do this! CHRISTMAS DID THIS!
(All the elves stand up angrily)
SONG:
Santa: Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal, as the holiday feeling was filling us. But now instead all we're feeling is dread, because Christmas time is killing us!
Elves (all together): Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed, till the thought of existence is chilling us!
Santa: I'll tell you what, shove your list up your butt! Because Christmas time is killing us!
Saten (singing): But can't you see, that what you do is a dream come true? Can't you see that, every smile makes it all worthwhile?
Santa: No, screw, you! It's all but through, there's too much to do! All those dreams are nightmares, (zoom in Elf) AND BLANK ICY STARES!
Santa: Each little elf used to fill up a shelf, making playthings and selflessly thrilling us! Now they're on crack, and it feels like lraq, because Christmastime is killing us!
Elves (together): Each model train only heightens the pain of a workload that's draining and drilling us!
Santa: Fingers all bleed, and look that guy just peed, because Christmas time is killing us!
Sword (singing): But can't you see, our point of view? We rely on you. Can't you see that Christmas cheer, gets us through the year?
Santa: My whole crew is black and blue, can't you take a clue? You may think I look great, (zoom in to show his elderly wrinkered skin) BUT I'M TWENTY-EIGHT!
Santa: Each jingle bell is a requiem knell. And while you think it's swell we are toiling in Hell. Take a look, you can tell as a man I'm a sheeeeeeeeeell! because Christmastime is killing us! KILLING US! Christmas time is killing us!
(Song ends with the elves all hanging themselves).
Santa: (coughs and passes out)
Saten: (jaw dropped)
Sword: ... Is weird that that was a great song?
Saten: (eyes turn to him, having no reply)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Skips to Santa in hospital.
Saten: Is he going to be okay?! It's Christmas!
Elf Doctor: Christmas is the problem! He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die.
Sword: Which means no more Christmas!?
Elf Doctor: Afraid so.
Saten: ... We're do it
Sword and Doctor (together): What!?
Saten: You were right Sword, he IS real. And he needs our help.
Sword: Alright. So how do we start?
Saten': Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
Santa: Thank you red pony. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
Saten: What!?
Dr Elf: H-he's just delerious.
Saten: *clearly uncomfortable* Okay then. So we should probably get started
Sword: Anyone else freaked out by that Allah thing?
Saten: Forget that, lets get going.
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(Later as they prepare to leave).
Saten: alright.. (whips) Mush!
*Reindeer don't move*
Sword: It's not working. I think they need to be coaxed. Santa said they eat elf flesh.
Sword (sees a misshapen elf standing in the snow, staring blankly at nothing): Hey! Hey you! Come over here!
Elf doesn't move.
Saten: I don't think he even knows where he is.
Sword: I guess we should just do it then.
Saten: (sighs, goes over with swissblade)
Saten cuts through the elf's arm, the elf is unfazed and unresponsive.
Saten (takes the arm): So... bye! *runs back to sleigh*
They take off, using the arm as a lure.
Sword: Hey dude, that one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face, and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?
Saten: It sure is.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sword: Alright. First house of the night.
Saten: (tosses gifts carelessly)
Sword: Whoa whoa man! You can't just toss those all about.
Saten: Why not?
Sword: You kidding? Those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. Those are Santa gifts, show some care asshole.
Saten: Whatever, I delievered them. *grabs cookie and eats it*
Sword: Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel?!
Saten: What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa.
Sword: Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a bite and a sip of milk..
Saten: Oh you know what. *pours milk on ground* There. Now they'll know Santa was here
Sword: More like Grinch was here.
Saten: Look I'm here giving out presents, I'll eat the damn cookie if I want. In fact, I might make myself a sandwich.
Sword: Don't you fucking dare!
Saten: *goes into the kitchen*
Man: Who's there!? (turns on light)
Saten: Uhh.. I'm Santa.
Man: Yeah, sure, your Santa. That why you broke in through the window? I'm calling the cops.
Saten: Wait, we are. We just couldn't fit though the chimey, and forgot the presents.. It's actually a funny stor-
Sword: AHH! (assualts him with bat, spraying blood everywherw)
Saten: WHAT THE HELL!?
Sword: HE WAS GONNA CALL THE COPS! NOBODY CALLS THE FUCKING COPS ON SANTA!
Sword: Now help me drag him to the closet!
Girl: Santa!?
Sword: ... Fuck
Wife: Who are you!?.. (sees body) DAN!?
Saten: Look, we can explain.
Wife flees.
Sword panicks and fires the handgun from earlier, killing her.
Girl: MOMMY!
Saten: DUDE!
Sword: I panicked okay! Now find some tape!
The little girl is taped up.
Sword: Alright, now to clean the bat and give to (reads) Johnny... Go check for her brother
Saten: (Goes upstairs) There's only one bedroom!
Sword: Then who's... oh dear god we're in the wrong house!
(sirens blaring)
Sword: Damn it, we tripped the alarm. The cops are coming. Let's go!
Saten: What?! We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas?!
Sword: It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half Saten!
Saten: No wonder Santa lost his mind, we can't do this in one night!
Sword: NOBODY CAN'T IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!
----------------------------------------------------------------
ON SLED:
Sword: I can't believe it! We were supposed to save Christmas, and we completely blew it! We failed Santa!
Saten: No. No, we didn't fail Santa. The world failed Santa. The poor man just gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted. Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night.
Sword: I agree. But what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed.
Saten: Maybe, but there is one thing we can do.
------------------------------------------------------------
PONYVILLE/THE NEXT DAY:
Reporter: This just in, reports from all over the world says that no presents have delivered. We can only assume that everyone has been naugh-
Saten (runs infront of camera): Wait! I know what happened to Santa!
Reporter: Wha?
Twi (from her house): Saten?
(Saten wheels out Santa).
Reporter: Santa?!
Saten: That's right! It's Santa Claus! And the reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick. Very sick. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us everywhere can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether.
Reporter: You heard him folks. Will we take just one gift a year, can we live with that?
Various people: One is enough... One's enough... I can live with that.
Canada24: Okay, just one.. But if it's a gym membership, someone's getting punched in the fucking face!
Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store.
But out in the forest, not too far away...
Nearby forest. Cute forest animals gather round and decorate a small pine tree.
Narrator: The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day.
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas!
Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
(wow, real orginal XD)
Narrator: And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was our favorite red pony.
Saten (drinks light beer, already had 4 before it, crossing forest to get to Trixie's new house in ponyville): Still better than I use to drink... (sees them) What the hell?
Rabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest.
Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree?
Saten: I.. I really don't care.
Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the other cheer]
Saten (annoyed): I don't have time for thi-
Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem.
Deery: What is it, Mousey?
Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.
Critters: Awww.
Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it.
Saten (annoyed): Can't I ever just cross the forest in peace.
Rabbity: What are we gonna do?
Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star.
Critters [among other things]: Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?
Stan: Fine I'll get your stupid star if it means you leaving me alone.
Critters: [cheering] Yay!
------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the happy red Pegasus made a star for the tree. Smiling the whole time.
Saten: (not smiling) There, its done, can I go now?
Critters: Ohhhh!
Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw.
Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile...
Beavery (smiling): How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
Narrator: Saten Twist smiled and said...
Stan [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go. [turns around, and walks off]
Beavery: Goo- goodbye Twisty!
Critters: Goodbye, Saten! Bye! Cya!
Saten (to himself) (annoyed): Uhhh.
Saten finally arrives at Trixe's house.
Trixie: What took you?
Saten: I'll tell you later.. Diner ready?
Trixie: Sure..
------------------------------------------------------------
THE NEXT MORNING:
Saten and Trixie assumably had sex sense this is a more mature seres than the real MLP, though it only shows the aftermath, Trixie's hair messy. Though she looks a little disappointed.
Saten: ... I'm really sorry.
Trixie: No, you were nervous. It's okay.
Saten: Lot on my mind.
Trixie: There were.. Parts.. I liked.
Saten: ... Good enough for me, I should use the bathroom.. (turns on lamp and sees the critters) AHHH!
Trixie (covers herself that much more): AHHH, WHAT!?
Saten (annoyed): Nothing, just those stupid critters again.
Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
Saten (annoyed): Guys! Get out my future wife is naked.. Well, she never wears clothes, but in the contant of this scene.. It's bad!
Trixie: ... Future wife.
Saten: Yeah, I see you being m-
Rabbity: That's a hot girl Saten.
Saten (annoyed): Just get out!
Squirrely: But you two aren't gonna believe what happened. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!
Trixie (also annoyed): I agree, just get out.
Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant!
Saten (annoyed): We don't care!
Mousey: I deduce the ponies don't understand the seriousness of the fertilization.
Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin love-birds. Her conception was immaculate.
Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior.
Trixie (sighs): Not this crap.
Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day.
Mousey: So soon!
Skunky: How delightful!
Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved!
Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer]
Squirrely [hops onto Trixie's bed]: There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in.
Saten: (annoyed facepalm)
Critters: Awwww.
Beary: But we got to have a manger.
Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh?
Critters: (Cheers)
Narrator: "Of course we will build you a little manger!" Trixie cried, and she winked at the critters and leapt to their side!
Trixie (does none of that as she frowns): ... Fine, if your leave us alone.
Saten: They won't, but screw it, we're up now. May as well do something.
------------------------------------------------------------
The forest. Trixie has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place. Her hair white uncombed. It actually kinda pretty. In a unkempt kinda way. Saten stays in the back, smoking a jointas he's not needed. And feel "needs one"
Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.
Trixie: (to Saten) Any more of those?
Saten: You smoke?
Trixie: not til just now.
Saten: Good point (passes the joint to her and she uses it) May wanna take it slow. Your first time using it sense that hippy concert you went too.
Trixie: (coughs) Yeah.. Not my proudest memory.. (smokes more)
Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw.
Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord.
Raccoony (tired): Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
Porcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest.
Woodpeckery: Fit for a king!
Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near -
Saten: [as they sing, pulling out new joint, Trixie keeps the other one and walks over to the critters] All right, we're going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.]
Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving the ponies to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree, Saten, by instinct, sheilds Trixie).
Saten: Uhhh, Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.]
Squirrely: Is it gone?
Saten: I think so.
Skunky [behind a low tree]: I'm not c-c-comin' out.
Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again.
Trixie (throws away joint): Again?
Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord.
Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.
Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born.
Critters: Awwww! [some of them sob]
Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Saten!
Raccoony: Of course! Saten can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!
Narrator: Of coarse I will! Saten cried with joy.
Saten (dryly) No.. (starts leaving, throwing away joint)
Trixie: Saten wait.. What if Fluttershy finds out we let them die. We're never hear the end of it.
Saten: ... Fine.
Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer] The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays.
Trixie: (kisses his cheek) Come back to me alive.
Saten: In case I don't.. (kisses her on the lips for a whole minute, which is longer than you think)
Saten: (pulls away and reluntantely flies up to the mountain)
Trixie: ... (picks up his joint) I'm gonna need this.
Rabbity: He'll be fine.
Trixie: If he doesn't.. Your be safer with the lion than from me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...
Saten (annoyed as he flies up to mountain): Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!
Narrator: Said the little red pony.
Saten (annoyed): Shut up.
Narrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.
Saten (timidly infront of cave): G -Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he prepares his wings. The lion lunges at him, but Saten flies up in the air and out of the way, and the lion falls over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.]
Narrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
Saten Twist flies down to check if it's really dead.
Saten: Huh, that wasn't so bad.
[three lion cubs approach the entrance]
Lion Cub 1: Mommy?
Saten: … Uh oh.
Lon cub 1: Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!
Lion Cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy.
Saten: (stands there awkwardly as the cubs spot him) red pony, why?! Why did you kill our mommy? Why?
Saten: [at a loss for words] I.. They said.. I… Critter Christmas.
(the cubs cry around the corpse).
Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died.
Saten: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut): Aw, god-DAMMIT!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The critters are still there. Trixie paces anxiously.
Porcupiney [feeling a kick]: Oooo.
Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney?
Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.
Beavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead.
Fox: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole.
Trixie (sarcastically): Way to comfort me.
Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew.
Trixie: Guess that means I gotta kill you (prepares horn)
Critters: Awwww.
Trixie: Shut up!
Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Saten approaching them, looking sad]
Trixie: (hugs him excitedly)
The critters gather in front of him.
Mousey: you're alive!
Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?
Saten (quitely): Yeah.. She's dead.
Deery: For real and for true?!
Beavery: Are you sure?
Saten: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
Squirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!
Critters: Hail Satan!
Saten: ... You mean me right?
Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, ponies! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!
Critters: Yaaay! [they head over to the manger]
Saten: Wai-wait, the Antichrist? You said she was giving birth to your savior!
Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.
Saten: But we thought you meant the Son of God!
Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
Trixie: Sex wit- WHAT!?
Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!
Saten: I knew this was a mistake.
Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
Saten: Wait what!?
Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
The other critters cheer. As Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade.
Trixie: OH MY GOD!
The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw.
Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood!
Saten and Trixie are frozen in shock.
Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!
Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!
The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background plays "Lucifers Hymm" during all this, starting from Rabbity's death.
Saten and Trixie stare at them, traumatized.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day.
And all of this because of the little red pony, for killing a lion.
Saten is shown in his house, with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room.
Saten: Uhhh.
Narrator: "I know!" Saten Twist said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
Saten: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk]
Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right!
Saten enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV.
TV: In west Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground, is where I spent most of my days.
Narrrator: (aham) And he went back to the forest to set everything right!
Angry look on his face, Saten turns the volume up to drown out the narrator.
Narrator: He tried to ignore the issue with TV, but his conscience caught up with him, and to the forest he did flee...
Saten: (turns it louder)
Narrator: He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Saten rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!
Saten (annoyedly): Leave me alone!
Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he -
Saten: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!.. GOD! [He turns off the TV, hops off the couch, stomping off.
---------------------------------------------------------
The woodland critters continue decorating their tree and also the manger Trixie made them.
Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Twisty. [the other critters turn and look, Saten flies over, Trixie behind him for backup.
Woodpeckery: Oh boy, buddy. You came just in time!
Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. We ne-
Saten (holding hammer): Shut up! We're not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this!
Beavery: To stop us?
Trixie: You heard him.
Beary: But gee whiz Saten, if you and your lady try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya.
Saten: Right, whatever. [turns around readying hammer] I'm taking down the manger Trixie built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Saten.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] AAAH! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] AHH AHHHH! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror, hiding behind Trixie who doesn't seem mind]
[The critters' eyes revert back to normal.]
Beary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick!
Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day!
Squirrely (goes over to them): Sorry ponies, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion.
Skunky: And you got rid of her.
Critters: Yay!
Fluttershy suddenly flies over, wearing a santa hat, cause it's christmas.
Beavery: Wow, look, it's that pegasus that kicked us out.
Raccoony: Let's eat his flesh!
Critters: Yaaay!
Fluttershy: What the hell is going on?
Trixie: It's Critter Christmas, girl! It sucks ass!
Fluttershy: What are you guys doing?
Raccoony: We finally did it, Fluttershy! We're about to bring forth the Antichrist with help from our new friends.
Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Yay!
Fluttershy: Saten!
Saten: I'm sorry, they tricked us.. I... I tried to stop them!
Trixie: Well don't worry, I know only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [She reaches back and whips out a sawed off pump-shotgun. She fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.]
Trixie: HOLLY SHIT!
Critters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Fluttershy fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.]
Saten: Yeah! Go Fluttershy!
Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Fluttershy. Trixie fires a spell killing Squirrely.
Saten: Nice one.
Fluttershy continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.
Beary (tries playing cute) Gee whiz, Fluttershy, you're not gonna kill me, are yo- [His head is blown off by her gun, and he goes down.]
Fluttershy (throws down gun and back to normal cute self): There.. They're dead.. We saved Christmas.. We get a wish.. Anything you guys wanna wishful?
Saten [thinks]: Yeah.. There is.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The lions' cave. Some magic revives the mother lion.
Mother Lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened?
Cubs: Mommy! (they hug her)
Saten (watching with the girls) [relieved]: Oh, good.
---------------------------------------------------
Trixie: Man.. This was fucked up Christmas..
Saten: Yeah.. But still beat thanksgiving with Derpy's crazy boyfriend.
----------------------------------------------------
Master Sword: I've been waiting for this all year.. (pulls out the turkey) Giving you people the bird.
Saten: Oh.. (hand goes to the turkey) Looks so go- AH! SHIT!
Sword: (stabbed the hand with large fork) Neh uh.. Not til we say grace.
2;
Saten Twist and Master Sword are at a mall, only to get a rude brush-off from the Santa who works there when he leaves for the night. As a result, Sword vows to kill Santa for blowing him off. And knowing Sword, he wasn't joking.
Saten: Man, you may want to calm down there.
Sword: If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming..(pulls out Pistol) And it's full of led (points it)
Saten: (slaps it away) Geez louise man!
Sword: You know what. I'm killing him. You're driving me. Let's go.
Saten: Dri... Driving you where?
Sword; To the North Pole to see Santa Claus.
Saten: Really? Up to the North Pole? How do you expect me to get there?
Sword: We drive
Saten: I'm not driving you to north pole.
Voice: Bar closing
Saten: ... Okay I'll drve you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
FAKE NORTH POLE:
Sword: This is it huh?
Saten: Yep. This is it.
Teen: Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls? Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?!
Sword: ... Saten. Does the North Pole usually having teenagers.
Saten: Yeah, sure.
Sword: Hmm... Let me ask something else.. (pins him on wall pointing the gun) YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT!?
Saten: I..
Sword: You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, dude! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!
Saten: What?
Sword: Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!
Saten: Okay Sword, there's something I should probably tell you.
Sword: Fine (lowers gun)
Saten: I hate to tell you this Sword, but there really is no Santa.
Sword: ... (chuckles) That's funny.. I thought you said Santa wasn't real.. What's next, hmm? . Um, who else isn't real? Hmm? Y -You gonna tell me Elmo isn't real? Or SpongeBob? Is he not real? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Hmm? Is Curious George not out there makin' little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool!
Saten: Guess we'll have to do this the hard way then.
Sword: you know, you know why nothing works out for you, Twist!? Because you've got a negative attitude.
Saten: Oh, that's not fair Master. I don't think I have a negative attitude. I just don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey whe...
Sword: I still have a loaded gun.. Now drive me to the real North Pole.
Saten: What do I get out of this?
Sword: Help me and ... I'll take you and Trixie with me to Los Pegasus.
Sword: I'll even pay for the greatest buffets.
Saten: Fine..
-----------------------------------------------------------
(They drive to Canada but the car breaks down).
Saten: Well that's just great.
Canadian: Hey there fokes.
Sword: Well this is convienent.
Canadian: Oh, hey there. You're having some car troubles, eh?
Saten: Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from Triple A, are you?
Canadian: Who?
Saten: Triple A, you know? A-A-A.
Canadian: Oh, AA, eh? Oh, I just came from AA.
Saten: No, not AA! AAA!
Canadian: Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh?
Saten:: Oh, so you are with Triple A.
Canadian: Oh, no, that's AAA. I just came from AA, eh?
Sword: Saten I think he's just a drunk.
Saten: Hold on Master, I'm handling this.
Canadian: Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? You have cash, eh?
Saten: Well, I dunno, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here.
Sword: Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
Canadian: Oh, a car won't take ya there anyway. But if ya like, you can take my snowmobile.
Saten: ... Really?
Canadian: Oh, sure. That's what Canadian hospitality's all aboot. If ya like, you can have all my money and my leg.
Sword: ... Okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(skip to the two on the snowmoblie, Sword holding the leg)
Saten: Why'd we take his leg?
Sword: We're in their country, Saten, we have to observe their customs. (drops leg on bump)
Sword: ... Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey.
Saten: That pun was bad and you should feel bad.
Sword (annoyed): Fuck off.
Saten: I would, but then you'd be all alone.
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(They arrive)
Sword: There it is, Santa's factory
Saten: ...
Saten: I don't believe it
They knock and sure enough Santa appears. However Santa is a sick and elderly looking, dying man.
Saten: Santa!?
Santa: Who are you?
Sword: I'm Master Sword (pulls out the handgun) AND I'M HERE TO KILL YOU!
Santa: ... Oh thank god. *kneels in front of them* Please do it.
Sword: What?
Santa: (puts gun in mouth) Do it!
Sword: You.. Want me two?
Santa: Put me out of my misery!
Sword: Whoa man, there's no sport in that.
Santa: *starts coughing, Saten helps him up*
Saten: I... I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy.
Santa (shows the factory to be dark gloomy place, and the elfs ll deformed and grey skinned, and the Raindeers all rabid wild animals): I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod?! I've got orders for millions of 'em!
Saten: ... (crosses iPod off his list).
Santa: Look at those poor elves.. they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind. The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a blood-lust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What God would allow this?
Sword (actually frightened, which for him is saying a lot): This is none of the songs or specials!
Saten: How could you let this happen?!
Santa: Me!? I didn't do this! CHRISTMAS DID THIS!
(All the elves stand up angrily)
SONG:
Santa: Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal, as the holiday feeling was filling us. But now instead all we're feeling is dread, because Christmas time is killing us!
Elves (all together): Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed, till the thought of existence is chilling us!
Santa: I'll tell you what, shove your list up your butt! Because Christmas time is killing us!
Saten (singing): But can't you see, that what you do is a dream come true? Can't you see that, every smile makes it all worthwhile?
Santa: No, screw, you! It's all but through, there's too much to do! All those dreams are nightmares, (zoom in Elf) AND BLANK ICY STARES!
Santa: Each little elf used to fill up a shelf, making playthings and selflessly thrilling us! Now they're on crack, and it feels like lraq, because Christmastime is killing us!
Elves (together): Each model train only heightens the pain of a workload that's draining and drilling us!
Santa: Fingers all bleed, and look that guy just peed, because Christmas time is killing us!
Sword (singing): But can't you see, our point of view? We rely on you. Can't you see that Christmas cheer, gets us through the year?
Santa: My whole crew is black and blue, can't you take a clue? You may think I look great, (zoom in to show his elderly wrinkered skin) BUT I'M TWENTY-EIGHT!
Santa: Each jingle bell is a requiem knell. And while you think it's swell we are toiling in Hell. Take a look, you can tell as a man I'm a sheeeeeeeeeell! because Christmastime is killing us! KILLING US! Christmas time is killing us!
(Song ends with the elves all hanging themselves).
Santa: (coughs and passes out)
Saten: (jaw dropped)
Sword: ... Is weird that that was a great song?
Saten: (eyes turn to him, having no reply)
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Skips to Santa in hospital.
Saten: Is he going to be okay?! It's Christmas!
Elf Doctor: Christmas is the problem! He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die.
Sword: Which means no more Christmas!?
Elf Doctor: Afraid so.
Saten: ... We're do it
Sword and Doctor (together): What!?
Saten: You were right Sword, he IS real. And he needs our help.
Sword: Alright. So how do we start?
Saten': Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
Santa: Thank you red pony. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
Saten: What!?
Dr Elf: H-he's just delerious.
Saten: *clearly uncomfortable* Okay then. So we should probably get started
Sword: Anyone else freaked out by that Allah thing?
Saten: Forget that, lets get going.
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(Later as they prepare to leave).
Saten: alright.. (whips) Mush!
*Reindeer don't move*
Sword: It's not working. I think they need to be coaxed. Santa said they eat elf flesh.
Sword (sees a misshapen elf standing in the snow, staring blankly at nothing): Hey! Hey you! Come over here!
Elf doesn't move.
Saten: I don't think he even knows where he is.
Sword: I guess we should just do it then.
Saten: (sighs, goes over with swissblade)
Saten cuts through the elf's arm, the elf is unfazed and unresponsive.
Saten (takes the arm): So... bye! *runs back to sleigh*
They take off, using the arm as a lure.
Sword: Hey dude, that one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face, and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?
Saten: It sure is.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sword: Alright. First house of the night.
Saten: (tosses gifts carelessly)
Sword: Whoa whoa man! You can't just toss those all about.
Saten: Why not?
Sword: You kidding? Those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. Those are Santa gifts, show some care asshole.
Saten: Whatever, I delievered them. *grabs cookie and eats it*
Sword: Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel?!
Saten: What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa.
Sword: Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a bite and a sip of milk..
Saten: Oh you know what. *pours milk on ground* There. Now they'll know Santa was here
Sword: More like Grinch was here.
Saten: Look I'm here giving out presents, I'll eat the damn cookie if I want. In fact, I might make myself a sandwich.
Sword: Don't you fucking dare!
Saten: *goes into the kitchen*
Man: Who's there!? (turns on light)
Saten: Uhh.. I'm Santa.
Man: Yeah, sure, your Santa. That why you broke in through the window? I'm calling the cops.
Saten: Wait, we are. We just couldn't fit though the chimey, and forgot the presents.. It's actually a funny stor-
Sword: AHH! (assualts him with bat, spraying blood everywherw)
Saten: WHAT THE HELL!?
Sword: HE WAS GONNA CALL THE COPS! NOBODY CALLS THE FUCKING COPS ON SANTA!
Sword: Now help me drag him to the closet!
Girl: Santa!?
Sword: ... Fuck
Wife: Who are you!?.. (sees body) DAN!?
Saten: Look, we can explain.
Wife flees.
Sword panicks and fires the handgun from earlier, killing her.
Girl: MOMMY!
Saten: DUDE!
Sword: I panicked okay! Now find some tape!
The little girl is taped up.
Sword: Alright, now to clean the bat and give to (reads) Johnny... Go check for her brother
Saten: (Goes upstairs) There's only one bedroom!
Sword: Then who's... oh dear god we're in the wrong house!
(sirens blaring)
Sword: Damn it, we tripped the alarm. The cops are coming. Let's go!
Saten: What?! We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas?!
Sword: It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half Saten!
Saten: No wonder Santa lost his mind, we can't do this in one night!
Sword: NOBODY CAN'T IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!
----------------------------------------------------------------
ON SLED:
Sword: I can't believe it! We were supposed to save Christmas, and we completely blew it! We failed Santa!
Saten: No. No, we didn't fail Santa. The world failed Santa. The poor man just gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted. Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night.
Sword: I agree. But what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed.
Saten: Maybe, but there is one thing we can do.
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PONYVILLE/THE NEXT DAY:
Reporter: This just in, reports from all over the world says that no presents have delivered. We can only assume that everyone has been naugh-
Saten (runs infront of camera): Wait! I know what happened to Santa!
Reporter: Wha?
Twi (from her house): Saten?
(Saten wheels out Santa).
Reporter: Santa?!
Saten: That's right! It's Santa Claus! And the reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick. Very sick. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us everywhere can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether.
Reporter: You heard him folks. Will we take just one gift a year, can we live with that?
Various people: One is enough... One's enough... I can live with that.
Canada24: Okay, just one.. But if it's a gym membership, someone's getting punched in the fucking face!