My Love,

How are you?

Not the best way to start. How should I start? Should I – start? Do this? I knew the answer, of course. Nevertheless…

I miss you so.

Not good either. Not enough…

You have taken away with you every reason for my existence.

Definitely bad. She didn’t take it away. I did. I removed myself away from the very meaning of my life – or should I say, wretched, despicable, tormented existence?

Torment. Yes, How I knew it well.

Her eyes. Her lips…. As I’ve said, torment – in its purest form.

I remembered how it wasn’t like this before – when I was still with her. HER. Bella, my life, my love. MY (?) I should stop thinking of her this way. She is no longer mine. She could never be mine. She would never be mine.

Pain. Anguish. Agony.

They ripped, tore my insides.

I love you.

Still and will always.
For all eternity.

That part, I want her to know, to believe. Could she still believe me after all I did to her?

Her eyes filled with tears – a too vivid memory.

I gasped. I choked. Regret washed over me.

I wish to see you., hear your voice., feel your warmth.

Aaah…this too much.

Away from you, it is unbearable.

Should I allow myself just a glimpse of her? Has she moved on?
NO! No, please….

Selfish…Always so selfish.

I tried to see the beauty you always saw in the night sky but the stars refused to shine for me tonight, my love. Is it because I am without you?

All I could see is her face.
All I could hear is her voice.
All I could smell is her scent.

How I long to be with her.
She haunts me now.

I smiled wryly - the roles are now reversed.
I sighed.

I wish you happiness.

However she may find it.
Without me…, in the arms of another…

Do I really wish that?
Yes, I thought fiercely. As long as she’s happy…

Hypocrite.

I fervently hope I cross your mind once in a while.

I winced.
Idiot! Selfish Idiot!

Does she? Does she still think about me? Does she remember how much I love her? How much I tried to be right for her? To be more human and less of a monster for her?

Bella, my love, please be safe.

That’s all I ask of her. Safe – without me.

Pain engulfed me once again.

Is that all I wished for? NO.

I stared defiantly at where they said heaven should be.

I would trade everything; give up everything, for one more blush, one more smile, one more kiss, one more day or night…
Even one more second with her.

Yours, for all eternity.

I couldn’t sign my name.

I sighed.

I looked at the letter in my hand.

Every fiber in my being yearned to be with her, I never knew up to what extent, until now.

I balled my fist. Crumpling the letter in the process.

I wouldn’t…I couldn’t send it anyway. I promised I would stay away from her.
But then again, I’m not very good with keeping promises, especially the ones that concerned her.


The phone rang, disrupting my chaotic thoughts.

Thoughts of her.

I stared at it. Contemplating whether I should toss it outside the window, crush it with my fist or hurl it to the wall.

Violence…

I laughed bitterly. Such thoughts were constant for me now. Now that I am without her.

The ringing phone persisted.

Who may this be now? Emmet? Alice? Carlisle? Esme?

A twinge inside my lifeless chest.

My family. I truly am sorry for abandoning them. I sighed.

“Yes?” I asked lifelessly on the phone.

“Edward…She’s gone. I’m sorry. Come back home. We’ll wait for you.” Rosalie said in one breath.

I gripped the phone tightly.

“What are you talking about?” I demanded vehemently.

“Bella jumped off a cliff, Edward. Alice saw her. She’s at Forks now.”

I dropped the call and dialed a number etched in my memory.
How many times have I imagined calling this number? Countless. But never this way. Not this way.

“He’s at the funeral.” The biting voice replied on the other line after I asked for Charlie.

I tossed the phone aside. I have no strength – to crush it, hurl it. I do not care.

Her eyes. Her lips.

Her voice. Her smile. Her laughter.

Flashed before my eyes .Haunting me.

Gone?

“Why? Haven’t I had enough?” I shouted towards heaven.

“Why? Why?” I whispered brokenly.

I fell on my knees. Like the weak man, I always knew I am, I crumpled to the floor.

My love, the very reason why I still continue to exist…Gone…Dead…

I though I knew torment and anguish very well. I thought wrong. It was nothing compared to this.

I did this to her.

I lost her.

NO, it’s never too late, my mind rebelled.

I smiled viciously as I let sanity escape me.

Only the ache to be with her, to join her, wherever she is right now burned fiercely inside me.

“I will be with you, my love. Wait for me. I will find you.” I whispered

With this, determination runs through my veins.

I stood up.

Ran – as fast as before.

No, faster. I ran with all the strength and speed I have.

I gave in to sobs that has been trying to wrench their way out of my throat.

I ran, almost blindly for a vampire.

“Bellaaaaa.”

I now have a purpose. To end my existence. To join my beloved.