New York: Occupied – A Fan Fiction Mini-Story
Eddie and Patsy are in a hotel room in New York.
Eddie: I mean, how dare they spit at me, darling. These “Occupiers”: bored upper-middle-class students looking for a protest. They wouldn’t know a protest if it bit them in the ass, sweetie.
Patsy: You’re right, darling. You’re always right.
Eddie: I’m always right. I mean, what’s the protest? Mum and Dad had too much money so they gave it to some gnome who flushed it down his Ponzi scheme toilet? “Oh, let’s protest. Oh, let’s make a speech in a public park and spit at passing celebrities wearing fur. Oh, look, she’s the “One Percent,” let’s spit on her.”
Patsy: New York gutter rats.
Eddie: Gutter rats!
Patsy: But I don’t think they thought you were a celebrity, darling.
Eddie: Didn’t they? I think they did.
Patsy: No, I don’t think so.
Eddie: Darling, I have been on tv a.m. That kind of aura follows you. To think of all that I’ve gone through to get where I am, just to be sniped at by some malcontents with a trust fund, with more time on their hands than the homeless. I hate this generation!
Patsy: Hate this generation!
Eddie: This generation of ungrateful, wastrel, hyper-indignant know-nothings. Marxist wannabes, that’s what they are.
Patsy: Marxist pigs!
Eddie: I think they were spitting at you darling.
Patsy: No, I don’t think they were spitting at me. Darling, I project glamour. I am one of the beautiful people. The hoi polloi know not to mess with me.
Eddie: I suppose I’m chopped liver and onions, am I darling?
Patsy: Well.
Eddie: I just feel I deserve some measure of respect at this stage of my life. I mean, what is the world coming to when you can’t even walk into a nice hotel without being dragged down to someone else’s level?
Patsy: Oh, look, darling: here we are in a lovely hotel room, lovely mini bar, lovely gin and tonic. Let’s have a drink and get down to this photo shoot business.
Eddie: Oh.
Patsy: Oh, what, Eddie? You’ve had days to get on to that Cox woman.
Eddie: Courtney Cox’s people have been very cagey, darling. I’m finessing it, I’m finessing it.
Patsy: This is it, darling. This is the now: middle-aged American actresses taking it all off to prove to the industry and the public that they can still do it. I mean, she’s not getting any younger, sweetie.
Eddie: No, she’s not getting any younger. I caught an episode of “Cougar Town” on the plane and it looked as if she’d shot it in her sleep.
Patsy: My point. Well, how much does she want?
Eddie: We hadn’t gotten around to discussing numbers, Pats.
Patsy: Oh, Eddie!
Eddie: Well, to be quite honest, I don’t think she wants to do it.
Patsy: Oh, Eddie. Well, what are we going to do?
Eddie: Well, I thought –
Eddie points at herself.
Patsy: No, Eddie.
Eddie is being photographed in a studio.
Photographer: All right, give it to me, darling. Look here. Chin up.
Eddie: I’ve always thought this was my best angle: full on and no apology.
Photographer: No talking.
Eddie: Sorry.
Photographer: Do you feel comfortable about dropping the sheet now, darling?
Eddie: Yeah, let’s do it.
Photographer: All right, dropping it now, and . . .
Patsy: Noooooo!
Eddie and Patsy are in a fashion boutique.
Eddie: At least we’ll get in some shopping.
Patsy: Look what these bitch twins are fronting: tat.
Eddie: Not exactly Bond Street, is it, darling?
Patsy: No.
Eddie: I quite like what this other has-been has here, though, darling. Look at that.
Patsy: Almost looks like fashion. I think that’s your speed, Eds. Buy that.
Eddie: Yes, I’ll buy that.
Patsy: Don’t try it on until we get home, though, Eddie. I don’t want to have to suffer through another incident.
Eddie: Yes, I’ll just have them wrap it up. This will fit.
Eddie and Patsy are in a cab.
Eddie: Another trip to New York over and flushed.
Patsy: Did you hear anything?
Eddie: She’s going full tit and minge for Cosmo.
Patsy: No! The bitch.
Eddie: Those actresses are all the same. I lay the groundwork and they leapfrog over me to greener pastures.
Patsy: You can’t win them all, Eddie.
Eddie: No, you can’t win them all. I just want to win some of them.
Patsy: Par for the course, eh, Eds? Cheers anyway, darling.
Eddie: Cheers, darling.
Patsy: I’m gagging for a shag something awful, Eddie.
Eddie: Well, don’t look at me.
__
Eddie and Patsy are in a hotel room in New York.
Eddie: I mean, how dare they spit at me, darling. These “Occupiers”: bored upper-middle-class students looking for a protest. They wouldn’t know a protest if it bit them in the ass, sweetie.
Patsy: You’re right, darling. You’re always right.
Eddie: I’m always right. I mean, what’s the protest? Mum and Dad had too much money so they gave it to some gnome who flushed it down his Ponzi scheme toilet? “Oh, let’s protest. Oh, let’s make a speech in a public park and spit at passing celebrities wearing fur. Oh, look, she’s the “One Percent,” let’s spit on her.”
Patsy: New York gutter rats.
Eddie: Gutter rats!
Patsy: But I don’t think they thought you were a celebrity, darling.
Eddie: Didn’t they? I think they did.
Patsy: No, I don’t think so.
Eddie: Darling, I have been on tv a.m. That kind of aura follows you. To think of all that I’ve gone through to get where I am, just to be sniped at by some malcontents with a trust fund, with more time on their hands than the homeless. I hate this generation!
Patsy: Hate this generation!
Eddie: This generation of ungrateful, wastrel, hyper-indignant know-nothings. Marxist wannabes, that’s what they are.
Patsy: Marxist pigs!
Eddie: I think they were spitting at you darling.
Patsy: No, I don’t think they were spitting at me. Darling, I project glamour. I am one of the beautiful people. The hoi polloi know not to mess with me.
Eddie: I suppose I’m chopped liver and onions, am I darling?
Patsy: Well.
Eddie: I just feel I deserve some measure of respect at this stage of my life. I mean, what is the world coming to when you can’t even walk into a nice hotel without being dragged down to someone else’s level?
Patsy: Oh, look, darling: here we are in a lovely hotel room, lovely mini bar, lovely gin and tonic. Let’s have a drink and get down to this photo shoot business.
Eddie: Oh.
Patsy: Oh, what, Eddie? You’ve had days to get on to that Cox woman.
Eddie: Courtney Cox’s people have been very cagey, darling. I’m finessing it, I’m finessing it.
Patsy: This is it, darling. This is the now: middle-aged American actresses taking it all off to prove to the industry and the public that they can still do it. I mean, she’s not getting any younger, sweetie.
Eddie: No, she’s not getting any younger. I caught an episode of “Cougar Town” on the plane and it looked as if she’d shot it in her sleep.
Patsy: My point. Well, how much does she want?
Eddie: We hadn’t gotten around to discussing numbers, Pats.
Patsy: Oh, Eddie!
Eddie: Well, to be quite honest, I don’t think she wants to do it.
Patsy: Oh, Eddie. Well, what are we going to do?
Eddie: Well, I thought –
Eddie points at herself.
Patsy: No, Eddie.
Eddie is being photographed in a studio.
Photographer: All right, give it to me, darling. Look here. Chin up.
Eddie: I’ve always thought this was my best angle: full on and no apology.
Photographer: No talking.
Eddie: Sorry.
Photographer: Do you feel comfortable about dropping the sheet now, darling?
Eddie: Yeah, let’s do it.
Photographer: All right, dropping it now, and . . .
Patsy: Noooooo!
Eddie and Patsy are in a fashion boutique.
Eddie: At least we’ll get in some shopping.
Patsy: Look what these bitch twins are fronting: tat.
Eddie: Not exactly Bond Street, is it, darling?
Patsy: No.
Eddie: I quite like what this other has-been has here, though, darling. Look at that.
Patsy: Almost looks like fashion. I think that’s your speed, Eds. Buy that.
Eddie: Yes, I’ll buy that.
Patsy: Don’t try it on until we get home, though, Eddie. I don’t want to have to suffer through another incident.
Eddie: Yes, I’ll just have them wrap it up. This will fit.
Eddie and Patsy are in a cab.
Eddie: Another trip to New York over and flushed.
Patsy: Did you hear anything?
Eddie: She’s going full tit and minge for Cosmo.
Patsy: No! The bitch.
Eddie: Those actresses are all the same. I lay the groundwork and they leapfrog over me to greener pastures.
Patsy: You can’t win them all, Eddie.
Eddie: No, you can’t win them all. I just want to win some of them.
Patsy: Par for the course, eh, Eds? Cheers anyway, darling.
Eddie: Cheers, darling.
Patsy: I’m gagging for a shag something awful, Eddie.
Eddie: Well, don’t look at me.
__
