I'm a 16 year old female (about to graduate her sophomore year of high school) & everything used to be okay. I was a 4.0 student (up until now), I had a few friends to hang out with on weekends, I studied hard, I got along with people... But now I just feel terrible. My grade point average has dropped to a 3.7 (which is still good but... it's not good enough) & my mom never ever helps me at all: she always makes things worse with all her yelling and screaming at me to "get skinnier" and "go on lots of diets" and "lose weight lose weight!" and "go to gym you need to lose weight" but I also have to "study study study!" or else I'll go to a community college. All of her yelling and bantering just makes me feel worse and worse & I just can't take it anymore.
My family isn't the richest. I mean, we do have money to afford necessities & I usually get things I "like but don't need", but college is super expensive & I know my parents can't afford a full term for it, so my mom is begging & pleading for me to get scholarships so I can get all my education. I've already gotten a D+ in math (everyone has crap grades in that class though - the teacher can't teach for crap) & I already have a tutor attempting to help me with that grade & chemistry (since that teacher also sucks at teaching, but at least I waver between a B or A). My mom told me that I can't go to college if I have crap grades (which I do, a 3.7 grade average sucks) & told me the only college I'll go to is a community college & then I'll have to work at McDonald's where the "losers" are. It scared me so bad I got a panic attack while she was telling me and then she just told me she was "kidding" so that way I would raise my grades, which in reality, made my grades worse, which is why she told me she lied.
I've never really been to a therapist or anything, but I'm pretty certain I have some sort of depression, and forms of social anxiety & anxiety. I'm just so so so scared to talk to people (I can't even order my own food or talk in front of the class without feeling like I'm going to pass out or can't breathe) & whenever I tell my mom about it she just yells at me and tells me that I'm just too lazy to do anything by myself which just makes me cry even more. Whenever I get panic attacks in front of her she freaks out and slaps me across the face (which makes the attack worse) and tells me to stop "forcing myself" to be like the "anxiety-ridden people". I'm scared she thinks I'm doing all of this to get attention, which I'm not: I didn't ask to be scared to make friends in high school, I didn't ask to be so scared I don't want to leave my house, I didn't ask to be so scared that I care about every little thing people think about me. I don't understand why she would think I'm forcing myself to have anxiety. Who the hell would want to have panic attacks every so often & be so terrified of making friends they just end up crying after school because they feel like a complete, full-blown idiot?
I would talk to my dad about this sort of thing but I don't have a close relationship with him & he's super busy working since my mom is a "stay-at-home" mom. I know he'd probably understand my circumstance better than my mom, but I'm still scared he'll react the same way she does: tell me that I'm forcing myself to be anxious and depressed & tell me to stop being lazy and study. But they don't understand how hard & scary it is to study.
For my ap world class (I honestly regret taking this class since it's made my anxiety levels so high), I have to memorize 400+ vocab words, a 100+ point timeline, & know at least three topics for five different essay questions all in one week for one of our tests. I try to start studying but once I begin I just stare at the vocab list or timeline & I just start crying & my head starts spinning & I honestly can't concentrate. I've been told by so many classmates that I'm "so smart" and that I should "take the test for them because I'm so smart" but I'm not smart at all. I have a 3.7 grade point average, how is that smart?
I really really need some sort of motivation or help to get me through this. Second semester is almost over (we're on our fourth term) & I need to have straight A's this term so that way my grade point average can go up once again. So far... I've been terrible at it. I'm just so terrified to study & I'm so terrified to make friends & I'm so terrified to do anything & I'd much rather miss school & sleep all day rather than go out & study more but then I get even more sick at the thought because if I miss school then I'll have double the homework & tests to make up (literally my school makes us have a test every other day for our different classes) & I can't afford to miss a day of school. I just want to keep crying at the thought of going back to school because I'm not very popular & I don't have many friends... I haven't been to one school dance this whole entire year (all my other friends have been asked or have asked) & I asked this one guy I liked but he flat-out rejected me & that just made my anxiety even worse. Was I too ugly? Am I too fat like my mom said? Is that why he didn't want to go with me? are questions I always ask myself whenever I remember or think about it & it makes me hate myself even more.
I know self-diagnoses aren't a healthy thing to do - in fact, they may be flat out wrong. But I feel almost certain that I have social anxiety (or some form of anxiety) & some sort of depression. I've even thought about suicide, too, and it makes me sick. I just wonder how better off my family would be if I were gone (my mother wouldn't have to stress about me getting perfect grades, they wouldn't have to waste money on me) & no one would honestly really miss me if I were gone. But I'm too pathetic and cowardly to actually take my life since it scares me. I really need someone to talk to but if I do that I just feel idiotic and selfish. My mom tells me every high school student feels this way but I'm pretty sure not all of the football players and cheerleaders and kids with 4.0s all think about how better off the world would be if they were dead.
I'd really appreciate it if someone would kindly leave some advice as to what I should do: I want to see a therapist but at the same time I don't. I can't have a mental disorder... I'm supposed to be normal. I want to be normal. Normal teenage girls go out to school dances & have tons of friends & have decent grades & can take tests without getting a panic attack during the middle of it. I just want to be normal & I want to go back to my 4.0 & have all my friends again (even though they all ended up to be back-stabbing biatches who weren't actually my friends) & I want to go back to the time where every thing was simple & I didn't have to worry about how pretty I am or how skinny I am or how smart I am. I'm sick of feeling lonely & out of place & I'm sick of not being able to study correctly.
If any of you know anything that can help my situation (whether dealing with my "anxiety" or "depression" or even helpful ways to help me study my junkload of crap for ap) it would much appreciated. Thanks for reading this rant, and I promise that this is just a bad day for me. Usually I just bottle it in but I recently spent the last hour crying & I really needed someone to talk to since my mom won't listen & my dog is out in the backyard. Thanks again.:-)
My family isn't the richest. I mean, we do have money to afford necessities & I usually get things I "like but don't need", but college is super expensive & I know my parents can't afford a full term for it, so my mom is begging & pleading for me to get scholarships so I can get all my education. I've already gotten a D+ in math (everyone has crap grades in that class though - the teacher can't teach for crap) & I already have a tutor attempting to help me with that grade & chemistry (since that teacher also sucks at teaching, but at least I waver between a B or A). My mom told me that I can't go to college if I have crap grades (which I do, a 3.7 grade average sucks) & told me the only college I'll go to is a community college & then I'll have to work at McDonald's where the "losers" are. It scared me so bad I got a panic attack while she was telling me and then she just told me she was "kidding" so that way I would raise my grades, which in reality, made my grades worse, which is why she told me she lied.
I've never really been to a therapist or anything, but I'm pretty certain I have some sort of depression, and forms of social anxiety & anxiety. I'm just so so so scared to talk to people (I can't even order my own food or talk in front of the class without feeling like I'm going to pass out or can't breathe) & whenever I tell my mom about it she just yells at me and tells me that I'm just too lazy to do anything by myself which just makes me cry even more. Whenever I get panic attacks in front of her she freaks out and slaps me across the face (which makes the attack worse) and tells me to stop "forcing myself" to be like the "anxiety-ridden people". I'm scared she thinks I'm doing all of this to get attention, which I'm not: I didn't ask to be scared to make friends in high school, I didn't ask to be so scared I don't want to leave my house, I didn't ask to be so scared that I care about every little thing people think about me. I don't understand why she would think I'm forcing myself to have anxiety. Who the hell would want to have panic attacks every so often & be so terrified of making friends they just end up crying after school because they feel like a complete, full-blown idiot?
I would talk to my dad about this sort of thing but I don't have a close relationship with him & he's super busy working since my mom is a "stay-at-home" mom. I know he'd probably understand my circumstance better than my mom, but I'm still scared he'll react the same way she does: tell me that I'm forcing myself to be anxious and depressed & tell me to stop being lazy and study. But they don't understand how hard & scary it is to study.
For my ap world class (I honestly regret taking this class since it's made my anxiety levels so high), I have to memorize 400+ vocab words, a 100+ point timeline, & know at least three topics for five different essay questions all in one week for one of our tests. I try to start studying but once I begin I just stare at the vocab list or timeline & I just start crying & my head starts spinning & I honestly can't concentrate. I've been told by so many classmates that I'm "so smart" and that I should "take the test for them because I'm so smart" but I'm not smart at all. I have a 3.7 grade point average, how is that smart?
I really really need some sort of motivation or help to get me through this. Second semester is almost over (we're on our fourth term) & I need to have straight A's this term so that way my grade point average can go up once again. So far... I've been terrible at it. I'm just so terrified to study & I'm so terrified to make friends & I'm so terrified to do anything & I'd much rather miss school & sleep all day rather than go out & study more but then I get even more sick at the thought because if I miss school then I'll have double the homework & tests to make up (literally my school makes us have a test every other day for our different classes) & I can't afford to miss a day of school. I just want to keep crying at the thought of going back to school because I'm not very popular & I don't have many friends... I haven't been to one school dance this whole entire year (all my other friends have been asked or have asked) & I asked this one guy I liked but he flat-out rejected me & that just made my anxiety even worse. Was I too ugly? Am I too fat like my mom said? Is that why he didn't want to go with me? are questions I always ask myself whenever I remember or think about it & it makes me hate myself even more.
I know self-diagnoses aren't a healthy thing to do - in fact, they may be flat out wrong. But I feel almost certain that I have social anxiety (or some form of anxiety) & some sort of depression. I've even thought about suicide, too, and it makes me sick. I just wonder how better off my family would be if I were gone (my mother wouldn't have to stress about me getting perfect grades, they wouldn't have to waste money on me) & no one would honestly really miss me if I were gone. But I'm too pathetic and cowardly to actually take my life since it scares me. I really need someone to talk to but if I do that I just feel idiotic and selfish. My mom tells me every high school student feels this way but I'm pretty sure not all of the football players and cheerleaders and kids with 4.0s all think about how better off the world would be if they were dead.
I'd really appreciate it if someone would kindly leave some advice as to what I should do: I want to see a therapist but at the same time I don't. I can't have a mental disorder... I'm supposed to be normal. I want to be normal. Normal teenage girls go out to school dances & have tons of friends & have decent grades & can take tests without getting a panic attack during the middle of it. I just want to be normal & I want to go back to my 4.0 & have all my friends again (even though they all ended up to be back-stabbing biatches who weren't actually my friends) & I want to go back to the time where every thing was simple & I didn't have to worry about how pretty I am or how skinny I am or how smart I am. I'm sick of feeling lonely & out of place & I'm sick of not being able to study correctly.
If any of you know anything that can help my situation (whether dealing with my "anxiety" or "depression" or even helpful ways to help me study my junkload of crap for ap) it would much appreciated. Thanks for reading this rant, and I promise that this is just a bad day for me. Usually I just bottle it in but I recently spent the last hour crying & I really needed someone to talk to since my mom won't listen & my dog is out in the backyard. Thanks again.:-)
