part 1: link

A/N: Post 4x09.
Hope it's not confusing. The * marks flashback/flahback end


Cold. It was so cold. Cold And dark. She was freezing and shaking. The small fire made of try twigs and leaves couldn’t warm her. She was frozen inside. There was no hope left in her.
But she wouldn’t give up. Even if she felt weak and alone she had to remind her to stay strong. For him. For Camelot. She wouldn’t let her win.
It was late in the night. Her dress was drenched from the unwillingly bath she has taken and stuck uncomfortable and cold to her skin. She was tired but she wouldn’t allow herself to sleep. It was too dangerous. The silence around her scared her because every tiny noise, the leaves rustling softly in the cool night breeze or every crack caused by a mouse or bird hushing across the wood covered ground startled her.
She looked around all the time while her fingers were fiddling with the ring that she wore on a leather string around her neck.
One thought ran permanently through her head. How? How could this all happen? And why?
She had to fight the upcoming tears again. She could not forget the disappointment, the fury and the pain in his eyes. She had never seen him like this before. It scared her.
She knew it was her fault and that he had to banish her. She knew she deserved it.
But still she couldn’t explain how this had happen.

*
When Gwen woke up she thought it was a morning like every else. She wouldn’t know that it was the happiest of her life.
She got up, went to the market and then to her work in the castle. She made the beds and didn’t heard that Arthur sneaked in. He put his hands over her eyes. She was startled and let out a little squeal. He whispered in her ear. “It’s me” and she giggled. “I have a surprise for you. Close your eyes.”
He replaced his hands with a white towel that he had over his shoulders when he came in. He tied it like a blindfold over her eyes. “Trust me,” he says in her ear and she nodded.
Then he led her through the castle and outside. She was wondering where they were going. She was blind and had no idea what he was up to. It was a strange feeling to see nothing at all and she stumbled a few times but Arthur held her on her hand and around her waist and he caught her every time careful not to let her fall. Curiosity and excitement almost killed her.
Suddenly Arthur stopped. She heard him open a door and he led her inside a very bright room. The light came through the blindfold and her closed eyes. Her unfolds the blindfold and she took it off and was blinded again immediately by the sudden brightness. She blinked a few times and noticed her house. Her house, awash with candle light. Hundreds of candles it seemed. Gwen looked around in surprise and joy. She hadn’t expected something beautiful like that.
Arthur took her hand and led her to the bank where she sat down and he kneeled down in front of her. Her heart beat faster and faster. She thought it would explode when he asked her to become his wife. She was to overwhelmed and happy to say anything at all and so she hugged him. Arthur wasn’t expecting that and asked: “Is that a yes?”
She leaned back and apologised.
“Yes! Yes, yes.” She finally replied. Arthur beamed and put the ring on her finger.

But it all turned into a disaster when Lancelot suddenly showed up at the tournament. Everyone was happy to have him back of course. Gwen too. Lancelot came to her house to send his congratulations and gave her a bracelet as a wedding gift. She enjoyed the moment they had together and had to think about it many times on the following day. She had strange mixed feelings. She was overwhelmed seeing Lancelot again and visited him in the tent during the tournament. She knew she shouldn’t but she couldn’t help it. An ancient desire from long ago arouse in her.
The day before her wedding with Arthur she agreed to meet Lancelot in the council room. She knew it was a risk and it wasn’t right but this feeling, this desire was stronger.
She couldn’t know that it was an enchantment, well planned by Morgana with the help of Agravain. Agravain was it who told Arthur about the meeting.
Gwen asked for assurance that they won’t be discovered and then couldn’t hold back and kissed Lancelot.
They got interrupted by Arthur and it ended in a fight. They fought hard and Gwen screamed. Arthur won the upper hand and then Gwen threw herself between them to save Lancelot. Moreover she knew Arthur was furious, his mind clouded with rage trying to kill Lancelot. But she knew he didn’t want it, that he would regret it.
So she and Lancelot ended up in the dungeons. There was the question the first time.
How could that had happen? What has she done? She hides her face in her hands and cried. Then she noticed the bracelet around her wrist. The wedding gift from Lancelot. She knew there won’t be a wedding anymore. It was all over. Angrily she threw the bracelet away; it hit the stone wall of her cell and landed in a corner on the floor.
Later she was brought to the throne room. She was thrown to her knees and all the looks on her made her feel even worse. Arthur sent everyone away. They were alone now, she still on her knees, eyes wet and red from the tears she had shed nonstop. He told her to get up. She felt numb almost unable to move. But slowly she got up, facing him shyly.
“What had happened Guinevere?” he finally said and it stung through her body like a swords blade. She could only shake her head. She didn’t know.
“We were happy. I know we were happy. Did you feel that too?”
She nodded. Yes, she felt it. It was the truth. She was happy with him.
Suddenly he approached and grabbed on her arms, shook her
“Then what were you doing?!” he yelled at her. When he saw the shock in her face he let her go and apologised. She tried to explain it. That she was overwhelmed when she saw Lancelot.
“I love you. You mean everything to me, Arthur.”
It was the first time she really said it and she meant it. And hoped he would forgive her.
Her hope was in vain. He banished her because he didn’t want to see her again. Gwen left Camelot in the first light. She had no idea where she would go.


“What’s wrong?”
Merlin helped Arthur putting his armours on.
“Nothing,” he answered.
“Come on Merlin. You cannot fool me. You are so silent, something must be wrong.”
Merlin laughed.
Then he sighed. “I miss…her.”
Arthur looked like he had turned to stone; his face blank.
“You wanted to know,” Merlin shrugged.
Arthur turned and left the room.
“Arthur!” Merlin followed him, rolling his eyes.
“I know you don’t want to talk about her but…”
Arthur stopped and looked at his friend, eyes burning with fury.
“Yes, I don’t want to talk about her because it’s painful enough that I still think about her all the time!”
Merlin’s head dropped.
“I know,” he said quietly. The rest of their way down to the training court they walk in silence. After the knights training Arthur seemed to be in a brighter mood. Unfortunately the knights had to suffer for this and the straw figure took great damage from Arthur’s aggressions.

At night when his work was done and Gaius already lay snoring in his bed Merlin sneaked outside for a walk. He wandered around the town, thinking,
What to do, What to do, it was like a mantra that echoes in his head with every step that he took. He had to stop Morgana and Agravaine. He had to convince Arthur that his uncle is not a friend. Moreover he wished that he could tell Arthur that the Lancelot who came back from the dead wasn’t the Lancelot they knew. The he was a shade and worked on Morgana’s demand. Merlin wanted to tell him that it all was Morganas plan and that with sending Gwen away he did exactly what she wanted.
Merlin shoved his fingers through his hair making it even messier. The problem was he did not know how to do it. How he could make Arthur listen and more so make him believe.
Then he was thinking of Gwen. Where she might be and if she’s alright. He missed his best friend.
It hit him all of a sudden. He had to find Gwen and bring her back. When there was someone who could convince Arthur of anything then it would be her. She knew Merlin had magic and she would believe him. With newly refreshed motivation he walked back to the castle. Exhausted he reached his room and fell asleep as soon as his body hit the straw matrass of his bed.


*

Not long ago Gwen believed that she and Arthur could face anything if they were together. This was after the attack on Camelot when she found out that Merlin had magic. Knowing that they had a powerful sorcerer on their side gave her strength and hope. Even now the thought that Merlin was by Arthur’s side protecting him whatever would happen made her feel better. But it didn’t help that she missed Arthur. Also it couldn’t erase the guilt and sadness she felt.
She pulled her knees up to her chest wrapping her arms around to warm herself as the wind blew stronger around her making her shiver even more. She sobbed and a silent tear ran down her cheek. She closed her eyes and prayed that Morgana won’t find her.
Gwen crawled nearer to the little fire and curled herself up beside it on the ground. Half an hour later she fell asleep by the constant cracking of the fire and the quiet whistling of the wind.

Tbc~