I was born in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in 1968. It was there that I was forced to learn how to swim, and...by the age of three I landed in America. I attended Harvard University and got my degree in advanced physics and exploitative law. I dated Britany Spears when she was still playing out Timberlake. Timberlake, I used to laugh, doesn't that sound like a real sleazy youth overnight camp in a Disney Channel movie? To which Britany would laugh and go grocery shopping. But I decided that having all these things wasn't good enough, so I decided to try my luck with the Boston Pops. Nailed it. But I decided it was not enough, so I decided to try my luck with the Philadelphia 76ers in this...national basketball league the children are so daffy about. The ceremony where I was awarded my third league MVP award was hampered because it was scheduled the same day, of course, as my induction into the Dinosaur-Egg-Radiologists Hall of Sophisticated Uppercrusts. It was in Geneva, and my private jet was currently being used at the time to film key scenes in the 1994 smash hit "The Professional AKA Leon". Parts of my body have been prominently featured in several gentleman's underwear ads over the quaint developing cow towns of New York, Hong Kong and Paris. But I decided all of this was simply child's play for a 17 year old, so I went to conquer Monaco with a couple friends of mine who were co chillin around my house with nothing better to do. We wrapped a bunch of Playskool hammers in tin foil and the royal commisaries had no idea what we were doing. The problem is I was later indicted for war crimes because I spilled red wine on Laura Bush's white weimeriner. I also met Bill Gates who threatened me with my life if I released the new PentiumHOLY, a gigabyte capacity system that could literally run the power of the sun from my living room. He tried to bribe me, I told him if I woke up tomorrow with his chainpurse of a supersaver account I would straight kill myself and move to the woods. I was indicted however at 22 on suspicion of conspiring to fix the stock market, which I was. The greatest thing about my subsequent exile to India upon being deemed "too cool for prison", was that the taxi cabs always took me to the cheapest stores and even gave me some of their money in the hopes that I "enjoy my stay in India". At 30, I just chill and write blogs about batman.