Me, Myself, and I
By Rita Skeeter
Exclusive interview with notorious Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange
Here I am, sitting in the private dungeon of the notorious Bellatrix Lestrange, most feared follower of the Dark Lord, and having a completely normal interview. Read on to see if there’s more to Bellatrix than just madness and a nasty reputation!
RS: Do you mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?
BL: What’s that?
*fingers wand handle threateningly*
RS: Oh, nothing, erm, moving on…Can I call you Bella?
RS: How would you describe your relationship with the man known as Lord Voldemort
*Bellatrix turns pink, then regains composture*
BL: I am his most loyal follower! I, who spent years in Azkaban for him!
RS: Riiiiight, I’m sure that was a real big help, now-
*Bellatrix reaches for wand again*
BL: Do you doubt me, you FILTHY HALF-BLOOD!
RS: uh, no, of course not, now, what would you say is your favorite spell?
BL: CRUCIO!! Would you like a demonstration?
*Bellatrix laughs evilly and reaches for wand again*
RS: No need for that, now, er, why do you like it so much?
BL: It’s so much fun to cause innocent people pain! HAHAHA! And I give filthy mudbloods and half-bloods what they deserve. *cackles evilly* I also like Avada Kedavra, but not as much since it doesn’t actually cause people insufferable pain, *Cackles again*.
RS: *uncomfortably* Right, er, moving on, how do you feel before going out on missions for the Dark Lord? Uncomfortable? Excited? Guilty?
*Bellatrix leans forward and looks at my writing pad*
BL: I CAN be nice! Like if someone begs me to kill them it’s not like I ignore that altogether reasonable request!
RS: Okay, moving on again, what are your main goals in life?
BL: To torture as many innocent people as possible, especially filthy mudbloods, kill muggles, do the Dark Lords bidding, make out with the Dark Lor-er, nothing
*Bellatrix turns pink*
RS: Mmmhmm, very interesting, now, how do you feel about the way J.K. Rowling has written about you in the Harry Potter Books? Do you feel she has done you justice?
BL: I HATE THE STUPID TITLE! The series should be called something more like “The Dark Lords quest for blood purification and the filthy half-blood idiot who stood in his way and eventually died a painful death”
RS: Hmmm, and how do you feel about your death at the hands of Molly Weasley?
BL: DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! THAT STUPID HALF-BLOOD-FILTHY-BLOOD-TRAITOR-FAT-UNTALENTED-SEVEN-KIDS-UGLY-HOUSEWITCH DID NOT DESERVE TO KILL ME! THE DARK LORD MOST LOYAL FOLLOWER! I COULD DEFEAT HER WITH MY WAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK! I WILL HAVE JUSTICE!! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA!
*As I was running for my life, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bellatrix Lestrange*