Artie: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.
Rachel: There's *nothing* ironic about show choir! (Pilot)
The more time Rachel storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has. (Preggers)
(Talking about boys beating girls) We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God. (Vitamin D)
Puck, with respect, you're more helpful when you don't contribute. (Vitamin D)
(To Finn about his newfound energy) Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens? (Vitamin D)
(To Tina upon his accident) But I want to be very clear... I still have the use of my penis. (Wheels)
(To Rachel) You're irritating. But don't take that personally. (Wheels)
Artie: I'd love to be in the photo Rachel, but I'd be sitting and you'd be standing, and it throws off the whole composition!
Rachel: I'll lean over.
Artie: But, if you lean over, it'll look like you have stomach rolls.
Rachel: On second thought, I don't think you're leadership material, Artie!
Artie: *points to self* Follower. (Mattress)
Mercedes: What's a "patriotic" wedgie?
Finn: It's when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.
Artie: Strangely, it did make me feel more American. (Mattress)
(Talking to Rachel about Run Joey Run) You had me at sex tape. How can I help? (Bad Reputation)
(Talking about trying to get a reputation) We have to do what we've been dreading. Something more terrifying than Rachel's personality. (Bad Reputation)
I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse then shot it. (Dream On)
Tina: You ignored me for weeks this summer.
Artie: I was playing a marathon game of Halo, woman. (Audition)
(About Sam) Finn: I like this kid.
Artie: I like his confidence. But the Bieber cut's gotta go. (Audition)
(To Coach Beiste about football) I really want to play. I want my girlfriend back and... I want abs. (Audition)
(After Brittany says she's into Artie) Artie: You've never made eye contact with me.
Brittany: For awhile, I thought you were a robot. (Duets)
Sam: Chicken, egg whites, fish-no salmon, oatmeal, brown rice but not after 6 PM, no butter or oil, and no soda...
Finn: That’s all you eat?
Sam: Ain’t no carpool lane to sexy.
Artie: Damn straight. (Rocky Horror Glee Show)
(To Santana and Brittany, following Puck's advice) All I can say is that I don’t want a long-term relationship with either of you; especially Brittany since I’m not in love with her. (Never Been Kissed)
(About Sam punching Karofsky) Mike: Dude´s a mad animal!
Artie: He´s a manimal. (Furt)
(To Tina upon talking about a problem) Is the problem your outfit? You look like a cheerleader zombie corpse. (Special Education)
I told my parents I only want one thing for Christmas this year: stop friending me on Facebook. (A Very Glee Christmas)
Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice. We bribed her with Dots. (A Night of Neglect)
(To Sunshine) Seriously, with your size, you could easily sit in the air ducts for days. (A Night of Neglect)
