1. Choreograph an artistic dance interpretation of his life and struggle for power and then force him to watch it.

2. Conduct a séance and pretend to channel the spirit of his mother.

3. Tell him he's been a "naughty boy."

4. Pretend to be the Sorting Hat and apologize - apparently you were wrong, and he was meant to be in Hufflepuff.

5. Call him Ickle-Voldykins . . . and then run. Fast.

6. Ask him to guess which hand the last Horcrux is in.

7. . . . Admonish him for cheating if he uses Legilimency.

8. Tell him you know where Harry is hiding, and Apparate before providing further details.

9. Dress up as Dumbledore and say you faked your own death.

10. Start an argument about Harry Potter shipping.

11. Tell him he's adopted and that he's really Hagrid's other half-brother.

12. Tell him Harry is his son and ask him if he's sure he wants to go through with Book 7 now, since it's become "soooo Star Wars."

13. Tell him one of his Death Eaters is actually a member of the Order using Polyjuice Potion - but refuse to tell him who it is.

14. If he gets rid of some Death Eaters in the process of figuring this out, then all the better for Harry!

15. Tell him that one of his enemies is plotting against him in the Forbidden Forest.

16. Tell him all about your enemy/rival and how he's nothing compared to them. Perhaps he'll go after them rather than Harry.

17. Tell him his plastic surgeon did a terrible job with the "red-eyed snake look," and that he should've had the self confidence to age gracefully.