2x01
Nathan: (wanking in his coffin) Ah… Take it to the edge. Oh! Pull it back… Pull it back… Oh! Make it last, you little tease! Okay, crank it up! Crank it up! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You love it, you beautiful bastard!
***
Kelly: So if you’re not dead, how come you smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
Alisha: Were you having a wank in there?
Nathan: Yeah, so what if I was? A man can’t enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It’s not like I was expecting visitors.
***
Nathan: I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
***
Nathan: Yeah, so my mum opens the door and she’s like ‘Aaaaaaahh!’ and I’m like ‘I’m immortal!’ And then she fainted, face plants on the radio and there’s just blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she alright?
Nathan: Yeah, yeah! She’s fine. She’s fine. Apart from the whole… face. Kind of put a downer on the whole thing.
***
Nathan: So did you cry at my funeral? I bet there was loads of girls there all crying, wishing they’d sh*gged me while I was still alive. Too late, ladies! This ship has sailed.
Kelly: You’re such a d*ckhead.
Nathan: Aw, I missed you too!
***
Nathan: (after taking a dump) I don’t know what is going on with my guts! It’s all hot cross buns and Easter eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
***
Nathan: Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by!
***
Simon: We should set up a password. Then we can say it to each other so we know it’s us.
Nathan: Monkeyslut!
Alisha: We are not having ‘monkeyslut’ as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kind of low, no?
Kelly: Alright, just go with it. Monkeyslut.
Nathan: Yeeaaah!
***
Nathan: That dead chick was the other probation workers fiancée. What if this new one’s his brother?
Simon: He’s white. Tony was black.
Nathan: Adopted brother! Adopted kids are nut jobs.
***
Nathan: The siren call of the bl*wjob renders all men powerless. That’s how girls trick you into marrying them.
***
(Everyone’s looking at the dead probation worker in the freezer)
Nathan: Tsk tsk tsk…. Oh hey man! Cornettos!
***
2x02
Nathan: Who says you can’t have an ASBO and an all-over tan?
***
Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, hey Dad, it’s your son, Nathan. So here’s the thing – my brother came to see me today, but I haven’t got a brother. So who’s this? It’s my brother? What the f*ck! Anyway, so uh, call me.
***
Nathan: Shall we say, uh, 100 quid? I’m thinking I do you, you do me, and we all end up in a hot tub. And there’s an extra 20 in it if you tie me up and hit my b*lls with a cactus.
***
Nathan's father: Like you’ve never done anything wrong. We’re not so different, you know.
Nathan: We are completely different. I’m gracefully tall, you’re freakishly short.
Nathan's father: Where do you get this stuff?
Nathan: I don’t know. It just comes to me. I have a gift.
***
Nathan: That’s right, Dad. Walk away with your tiny little legs, you F*CKING midget!
***
Nathan: Have you got any brothers?
Simon: A sister.
Nathan: Is she cute? You should think about getting me and her together. Hey man, someone’s going to. Better be a close friend, someone you can trust (rotates hips), to be gentle and respectful. Me.
Simon: She’s twelve!
***
Nathan: My eighth birthday, right? He’s supposed to be taking me out for the day, so he takes me to Ikea. And he buys so much of that flat pack furniture that there’s no room for me in the car. So he leaves me there, for three hours. And then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and then buys me lunch. I spent my eighth birthday eating Swedish meatballs with a known pedophile.
***
Nathan: Fellow in the next cubicle. You got any toilet roll?
Simon: Nathan? It’s me.
Nathan: Barry? Hey man, help me out!
***
Nathan: Do you want my advice? You find a nice, sweet, innocent girl and take advantage of her.
Simon: Can’t use your power like that.
Nathan: I don’t see it happening for you, otherwise. Maybe we need to build up your confidence, first. Let’s get you a prostitute. There’s a girl on the estate, right? She’s not all that, looks-wise, not since the accident. But she looks clean, clean enough for what you want.
***
Nathan: I’ve known you didn’t give a sh*t ever since you left me in Ikea with that pedophile.
Mike: What pedophile?
Nathan: My eighth birthday. Ikea? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don’t remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient!
Mike: Is this about that guy who was seeing your mum who you said was trying to sexually abuse you?
Nathan: No, no, no, no. I made that up. This is something else. Ikea pedophile! Jesus. Meatballs!
***
Nathan: Look, so I’m pretty much a complete write-off. That’s fine. Whatever. And so he hit you with a toaster and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don’t f*ck a wounded bear!
***
Nathan: I’m going to take a sh*t in his bed.
Alisha: What?
Simon: I don’t think you should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message; let him know he can’t f*ck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a sh*t in his bed do that exactly?
Nathan: Well, they did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse’s head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have you got a horse’s head?
***
2x03
Nathan: So whose c*ck is this?
Vince: That’s mine.
Nathan: Really? I’m not being funny, but why would you do something like that?
Vince: It expresses how I felt about my girlfriend when she left me.
Nathan: You couldn’t just get drunk and sleep with a prostitute?
***
(After Nathan kisses him)
Simon: What are you doing?
Nathan: You don’t know how much I’ve always wanted to do that. Feel my heart – it’s racing! It’s okay! It’s okay. I’ll be gentle. Why don’t we slip your trousers off? (Struggles to remove Simon’s pants) It’s alright! We don’t have to fight any longer. I want to see it! (Simon pushes him off and runs) Simon! Simon, don’t go! We don’t have to go all the way, we can just cuddle! And when you’re ready, we can do some dry h*mping! Call me!
***
Nathan: (writing Simon a letter) If you open your heart, I know we can have something really beautiful. Yours… Forever, Nathan.
***
Kelly: What have I told you about dicking around with Simon?
Nathan: Who’s dicking around?
Kelly: You put your tongue in his mouth!
Nathan: Ah, Jesus. Alright, alright. So I got a bit fresh with him. I was staring into those big beautiful eyes; he’s like a… he’s like a handsome shark! I couldn’t help myself. I love him.
Kelly: Oh, you’re a dick!
Nathan: Oh, do my feelings for him offend you? Well, I’m sorry, because they’re true! And pure- Well, they’re true. I can’t pretend any longer, I won’t. (Thinks) I’ve never felt like this about anyone. He completes me.
Kelly: Uh, that’s from Jerry McGuire!
Nathan: Yeah, I know. I watched it four times last night. It’s like he’s Tom and I’m Renee and (looks at Kelly) someone else is the ugly specky kid.
Kelly: Are you telling me you’re gay or something?
Nathan: Gay. Straight. Retarded. Why do we have to put labels on everything?
***
Nathan: It’s much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit all over someone, than it is to admit that you love them!
***
Nathan: (to Simon) It’s just so hard when you’re so cute, and I’m so horny, and there’s only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.
***
Nathan: Hey man! Love hurts, okay? It chews you up and spits you out, like a big ball of mucus.
***
(After SuperHoodie drops off a packet)
Simon: It’s peanuts. Dry roasted.
Nathan: All that drama and he drops off a snack?
Kelly: Why is he giving us peanuts?
Nathan: Maybe he knows I missed lunch. (Notices Curtis’s eye-roll) I suppose you’ve got a better explanation than that?
Curtis: Anything… anything you could possibly come up with would be better than that!
***
2x04
Tim: Where’s Conti?
Nathan: (points at Simon) Oh, it’s him. He’s a right Conti.
***
Nathan: Hey, New Guy. Sorry you got shot, man.
Ollie: (gives Nathan the finger)
Nathan: (gives Ollie the finger) Hey, f*ck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you’re insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture! I don’t care if he’s dead; there’s no excuse for rudeness.
***
Nathan: (to Shaun) It’s a cruel senseless waste. A young man, taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he’s gone forever. So maybe, we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry and grieve and remember our dear friend…….? (Snaps fingers at Simon)
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie!
***
Simon: (talking about Ollie getting shot) We can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.
Nathan: Hey, I do that all the time. It’s like the fellow in the Bible, the Good Samaritan? “Walk on by”?
***
Nathan: Yeah, okay. Let’s rob a bank.
Shaun: What’s that?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That’s funny, innit? Cause to me it sounded like a plan to rob a bank.
Nathan: No, no. I said, uh, “Let’s have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old Circle Jerk.
***
2x05
Nathan: Some bastard killed me last night.
Kelly: Are you winding us up?
Nathan: No, no. Cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
***
Nathan: It’s her.
Curtis: Who?
Nathan: The cute smiley popular girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha: I thought you said you didn’t know who it was.
Nathan: No, no. It’s all coming back to me now. She was here, last night. And I was in the locker room watching her getting changed.
Curtis: Oh, nice.
Nathan: No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute a*se at me. What am I supposed to do, poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you, the b*tch killed me. Oh, Jesus! She’s after Barry!
***
Nathan: Come on, man. It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, PLUS no one else was around, TIMES she caught me leering at her semi-naked, DIVIDED BY all the weird shit that happens to us, EQUALS guilty!
***
Nathan: Oh my god, really? She’s a beautiful girl and she’s here, in the community centre.
Simon: So?
Nathan: So, I seem to remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82 year old woman.
Curtis: And then there’s that shape shifter girl. She was mental.
Kelly: Yeah, look what happened with you and that probation worker.
Nathan: And, did you know that some of these marathon runners sh*t themselves?
***
Nathan: She’s like one of those evil B*tch spiders. They lure you into their web, they sh*g you, then they kill you and then they eat their own feces.
***
Nathan: Does anyone else feel like a total c*nt?
***
Nathan: Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
***
Nathan: (wanking in his coffin) Ah… Take it to the edge. Oh! Pull it back… Pull it back… Oh! Make it last, you little tease! Okay, crank it up! Crank it up! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You love it, you beautiful bastard!
***
Kelly: So if you’re not dead, how come you smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
Alisha: Were you having a wank in there?
Nathan: Yeah, so what if I was? A man can’t enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It’s not like I was expecting visitors.
***
Nathan: I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
***
Nathan: Yeah, so my mum opens the door and she’s like ‘Aaaaaaahh!’ and I’m like ‘I’m immortal!’ And then she fainted, face plants on the radio and there’s just blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she alright?
Nathan: Yeah, yeah! She’s fine. She’s fine. Apart from the whole… face. Kind of put a downer on the whole thing.
***
Nathan: So did you cry at my funeral? I bet there was loads of girls there all crying, wishing they’d sh*gged me while I was still alive. Too late, ladies! This ship has sailed.
Kelly: You’re such a d*ckhead.
Nathan: Aw, I missed you too!
***
Nathan: (after taking a dump) I don’t know what is going on with my guts! It’s all hot cross buns and Easter eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
***
Nathan: Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by!
***
Simon: We should set up a password. Then we can say it to each other so we know it’s us.
Nathan: Monkeyslut!
Alisha: We are not having ‘monkeyslut’ as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kind of low, no?
Kelly: Alright, just go with it. Monkeyslut.
Nathan: Yeeaaah!
***
Nathan: That dead chick was the other probation workers fiancée. What if this new one’s his brother?
Simon: He’s white. Tony was black.
Nathan: Adopted brother! Adopted kids are nut jobs.
***
Nathan: The siren call of the bl*wjob renders all men powerless. That’s how girls trick you into marrying them.
***
(Everyone’s looking at the dead probation worker in the freezer)
Nathan: Tsk tsk tsk…. Oh hey man! Cornettos!
***
2x02
Nathan: Who says you can’t have an ASBO and an all-over tan?
***
Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, hey Dad, it’s your son, Nathan. So here’s the thing – my brother came to see me today, but I haven’t got a brother. So who’s this? It’s my brother? What the f*ck! Anyway, so uh, call me.
***
Nathan: Shall we say, uh, 100 quid? I’m thinking I do you, you do me, and we all end up in a hot tub. And there’s an extra 20 in it if you tie me up and hit my b*lls with a cactus.
***
Nathan's father: Like you’ve never done anything wrong. We’re not so different, you know.
Nathan: We are completely different. I’m gracefully tall, you’re freakishly short.
Nathan's father: Where do you get this stuff?
Nathan: I don’t know. It just comes to me. I have a gift.
***
Nathan: That’s right, Dad. Walk away with your tiny little legs, you F*CKING midget!
***
Nathan: Have you got any brothers?
Simon: A sister.
Nathan: Is she cute? You should think about getting me and her together. Hey man, someone’s going to. Better be a close friend, someone you can trust (rotates hips), to be gentle and respectful. Me.
Simon: She’s twelve!
***
Nathan: My eighth birthday, right? He’s supposed to be taking me out for the day, so he takes me to Ikea. And he buys so much of that flat pack furniture that there’s no room for me in the car. So he leaves me there, for three hours. And then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and then buys me lunch. I spent my eighth birthday eating Swedish meatballs with a known pedophile.
***
Nathan: Fellow in the next cubicle. You got any toilet roll?
Simon: Nathan? It’s me.
Nathan: Barry? Hey man, help me out!
***
Nathan: Do you want my advice? You find a nice, sweet, innocent girl and take advantage of her.
Simon: Can’t use your power like that.
Nathan: I don’t see it happening for you, otherwise. Maybe we need to build up your confidence, first. Let’s get you a prostitute. There’s a girl on the estate, right? She’s not all that, looks-wise, not since the accident. But she looks clean, clean enough for what you want.
***
Nathan: I’ve known you didn’t give a sh*t ever since you left me in Ikea with that pedophile.
Mike: What pedophile?
Nathan: My eighth birthday. Ikea? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don’t remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient!
Mike: Is this about that guy who was seeing your mum who you said was trying to sexually abuse you?
Nathan: No, no, no, no. I made that up. This is something else. Ikea pedophile! Jesus. Meatballs!
***
Nathan: Look, so I’m pretty much a complete write-off. That’s fine. Whatever. And so he hit you with a toaster and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don’t f*ck a wounded bear!
***
Nathan: I’m going to take a sh*t in his bed.
Alisha: What?
Simon: I don’t think you should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message; let him know he can’t f*ck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a sh*t in his bed do that exactly?
Nathan: Well, they did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse’s head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have you got a horse’s head?
***
2x03
Nathan: So whose c*ck is this?
Vince: That’s mine.
Nathan: Really? I’m not being funny, but why would you do something like that?
Vince: It expresses how I felt about my girlfriend when she left me.
Nathan: You couldn’t just get drunk and sleep with a prostitute?
***
(After Nathan kisses him)
Simon: What are you doing?
Nathan: You don’t know how much I’ve always wanted to do that. Feel my heart – it’s racing! It’s okay! It’s okay. I’ll be gentle. Why don’t we slip your trousers off? (Struggles to remove Simon’s pants) It’s alright! We don’t have to fight any longer. I want to see it! (Simon pushes him off and runs) Simon! Simon, don’t go! We don’t have to go all the way, we can just cuddle! And when you’re ready, we can do some dry h*mping! Call me!
***
Nathan: (writing Simon a letter) If you open your heart, I know we can have something really beautiful. Yours… Forever, Nathan.
***
Kelly: What have I told you about dicking around with Simon?
Nathan: Who’s dicking around?
Kelly: You put your tongue in his mouth!
Nathan: Ah, Jesus. Alright, alright. So I got a bit fresh with him. I was staring into those big beautiful eyes; he’s like a… he’s like a handsome shark! I couldn’t help myself. I love him.
Kelly: Oh, you’re a dick!
Nathan: Oh, do my feelings for him offend you? Well, I’m sorry, because they’re true! And pure- Well, they’re true. I can’t pretend any longer, I won’t. (Thinks) I’ve never felt like this about anyone. He completes me.
Kelly: Uh, that’s from Jerry McGuire!
Nathan: Yeah, I know. I watched it four times last night. It’s like he’s Tom and I’m Renee and (looks at Kelly) someone else is the ugly specky kid.
Kelly: Are you telling me you’re gay or something?
Nathan: Gay. Straight. Retarded. Why do we have to put labels on everything?
***
Nathan: It’s much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit all over someone, than it is to admit that you love them!
***
Nathan: (to Simon) It’s just so hard when you’re so cute, and I’m so horny, and there’s only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.
***
Nathan: Hey man! Love hurts, okay? It chews you up and spits you out, like a big ball of mucus.
***
(After SuperHoodie drops off a packet)
Simon: It’s peanuts. Dry roasted.
Nathan: All that drama and he drops off a snack?
Kelly: Why is he giving us peanuts?
Nathan: Maybe he knows I missed lunch. (Notices Curtis’s eye-roll) I suppose you’ve got a better explanation than that?
Curtis: Anything… anything you could possibly come up with would be better than that!
***
2x04
Tim: Where’s Conti?
Nathan: (points at Simon) Oh, it’s him. He’s a right Conti.
***
Nathan: Hey, New Guy. Sorry you got shot, man.
Ollie: (gives Nathan the finger)
Nathan: (gives Ollie the finger) Hey, f*ck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you’re insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture! I don’t care if he’s dead; there’s no excuse for rudeness.
***
Nathan: (to Shaun) It’s a cruel senseless waste. A young man, taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he’s gone forever. So maybe, we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry and grieve and remember our dear friend…….? (Snaps fingers at Simon)
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie!
***
Simon: (talking about Ollie getting shot) We can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.
Nathan: Hey, I do that all the time. It’s like the fellow in the Bible, the Good Samaritan? “Walk on by”?
***
Nathan: Yeah, okay. Let’s rob a bank.
Shaun: What’s that?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That’s funny, innit? Cause to me it sounded like a plan to rob a bank.
Nathan: No, no. I said, uh, “Let’s have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old Circle Jerk.
***
2x05
Nathan: Some bastard killed me last night.
Kelly: Are you winding us up?
Nathan: No, no. Cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
***
Nathan: It’s her.
Curtis: Who?
Nathan: The cute smiley popular girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha: I thought you said you didn’t know who it was.
Nathan: No, no. It’s all coming back to me now. She was here, last night. And I was in the locker room watching her getting changed.
Curtis: Oh, nice.
Nathan: No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute a*se at me. What am I supposed to do, poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you, the b*tch killed me. Oh, Jesus! She’s after Barry!
***
Nathan: Come on, man. It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, PLUS no one else was around, TIMES she caught me leering at her semi-naked, DIVIDED BY all the weird shit that happens to us, EQUALS guilty!
***
Nathan: Oh my god, really? She’s a beautiful girl and she’s here, in the community centre.
Simon: So?
Nathan: So, I seem to remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82 year old woman.
Curtis: And then there’s that shape shifter girl. She was mental.
Kelly: Yeah, look what happened with you and that probation worker.
Nathan: And, did you know that some of these marathon runners sh*t themselves?
***
Nathan: She’s like one of those evil B*tch spiders. They lure you into their web, they sh*g you, then they kill you and then they eat their own feces.
***
Nathan: Does anyone else feel like a total c*nt?
***
Nathan: Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
***
