10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen
10. Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent.
9. Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the “s”. When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the “q” is silent.
8. Ask if blondes really do have more fun.
7. Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.
6. Instead of telling him to “get lost” in an argument, tell him to swim to France.
5. When he annoys you, respond with “times have changed, old man”.
4. Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?
3. Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn’t expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.
2. Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.
And the Number One way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?
1. Run around the Emergency Room screaming “I’ve been bitten! I’ve been bitten!”
10 Ways to Annoy Charlie Swan
10. Tell him Bella’s pregnant – but you’re having trouble figuring out who the father is… Bella’s unsure whether it’s Edward, Carlisle, Jacob or Mike.
9. Ask him what Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo means in the phonetic alphabet.
8. Decorate his handcuffs with pink lace and flowers the call the station requesting to speak with Chief Swan Princess.
7. Whenever he is around, narrate all that is happening into the invisible walkie-talkie that’s strapped to your shoulder, speaking only in cop talk.
6. Take his gun and use it in a bank holdup – it will have his fingerprints all over it. When he is being questioned about it, sing Bad Boys by Inner Circle and I Shot the Sheriff by Bob Marley in the background.
5. Take his cop car and start a high speed car chase with it.
4. Send him a tape of Edward sneaking into Bella’s room at night, and Bella hitting on Edward.
3. File a report at the station against Edward Cullen – be sure to state in the report that Edward is over a century old, making his relationship with Bella Swan paedophilia.
2. Plant weed on Edward the next time he visits the Swan residence – then when he is being locked up, tell Charlie a strip search may be necessary.
And the Number One way to annoy Charlie Swan?
1. Replace his ammo with silver bullets then tell him that Jacob raped Bella. When Charlie goes to “have a talk” with Jacob, make sure he has his gun with him.
10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen
10. Let it slip what Carlisle really does during his night shifts at the hospital, with all of the pretty nurses.
9. Tell her all about the names of your future children, when you want to have them, what genders you want them to be, etc.
8. Ask her if her hair looks like caramel, does it taste like caramel?
7. Politely ask if Carlisle asks her to dress up as “Nurse. Naughty” in the bedroom and if he demands she calls him “Doctor. Dreamy”
6. Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher or paedophile.
5. Take a chunk of her hair, put it in a blender with milk and hand back the final product, claiming it’s a caramel milkshake.
4. Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle’s shirt collar and spray him with perfume. Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction.
3. Ask if she likes Carlisle’s cute little English accent. When she says she loves everything about Carlisle, call her an “uncultured swine” and storm off.
2. Inquire as to how she jumped off a cliff and survived. When she can’t answer, ask if she is secretly Batman.
And the Number One way to annoy Esme Cullen?
1. Anonymously send her a package of baby clothing in the mail.
10. Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent.
9. Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the “s”. When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the “q” is silent.
8. Ask if blondes really do have more fun.
7. Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.
6. Instead of telling him to “get lost” in an argument, tell him to swim to France.
5. When he annoys you, respond with “times have changed, old man”.
4. Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?
3. Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn’t expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.
2. Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.
And the Number One way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?
1. Run around the Emergency Room screaming “I’ve been bitten! I’ve been bitten!”
10 Ways to Annoy Charlie Swan
10. Tell him Bella’s pregnant – but you’re having trouble figuring out who the father is… Bella’s unsure whether it’s Edward, Carlisle, Jacob or Mike.
9. Ask him what Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo means in the phonetic alphabet.
8. Decorate his handcuffs with pink lace and flowers the call the station requesting to speak with Chief Swan Princess.
7. Whenever he is around, narrate all that is happening into the invisible walkie-talkie that’s strapped to your shoulder, speaking only in cop talk.
6. Take his gun and use it in a bank holdup – it will have his fingerprints all over it. When he is being questioned about it, sing Bad Boys by Inner Circle and I Shot the Sheriff by Bob Marley in the background.
5. Take his cop car and start a high speed car chase with it.
4. Send him a tape of Edward sneaking into Bella’s room at night, and Bella hitting on Edward.
3. File a report at the station against Edward Cullen – be sure to state in the report that Edward is over a century old, making his relationship with Bella Swan paedophilia.
2. Plant weed on Edward the next time he visits the Swan residence – then when he is being locked up, tell Charlie a strip search may be necessary.
And the Number One way to annoy Charlie Swan?
1. Replace his ammo with silver bullets then tell him that Jacob raped Bella. When Charlie goes to “have a talk” with Jacob, make sure he has his gun with him.
10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen
10. Let it slip what Carlisle really does during his night shifts at the hospital, with all of the pretty nurses.
9. Tell her all about the names of your future children, when you want to have them, what genders you want them to be, etc.
8. Ask her if her hair looks like caramel, does it taste like caramel?
7. Politely ask if Carlisle asks her to dress up as “Nurse. Naughty” in the bedroom and if he demands she calls him “Doctor. Dreamy”
6. Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher or paedophile.
5. Take a chunk of her hair, put it in a blender with milk and hand back the final product, claiming it’s a caramel milkshake.
4. Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle’s shirt collar and spray him with perfume. Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction.
3. Ask if she likes Carlisle’s cute little English accent. When she says she loves everything about Carlisle, call her an “uncultured swine” and storm off.
2. Inquire as to how she jumped off a cliff and survived. When she can’t answer, ask if she is secretly Batman.
And the Number One way to annoy Esme Cullen?
1. Anonymously send her a package of baby clothing in the mail.
