I know it's been awhile and I feel like I have neglected you. You use to be my only friend. Honestly, I thought I would have grown out of telling you all my thoughts and secrets. I guess you have always been my only true friend.
Things really haven't changed since I was 16. Wow, has it really been 10 years? I really can't believe it. It's as if I had never boxed you away, my dear friend.
It seems like no matter what I do, past memories keep popping into my head. It's as if some random person switches a switch. One moment I'm fine, watching a little tv or reading and the next I'm crying or cursing myself for wanting to feel that pain again.
Diary, sometimes I ache for that pain. For that relief so bad I can't stand it and I give in. I give in and become this weak mess on the bathroom floor. I hate myself for it. You know I do. I hate myself to the point I want it even more. Can you believe that? I am I really that sick?
I am so lonely. I will only admit that to you. I wish I wasn't afraid to let someone in. I want so badly to share these thoughts with a real person. A living, breathing, loving human being. I have never been able to talk about my thoughts. You know that better than anyone. I long for the warm touch of someone who matters. These one night stand shells of people don't matter. Their touch is superficial, shallow. All I feel is the dull numbness and I can't get rid of it. I'm just going through the motions.
The past is the past. Some memories should stay forgotten and never come back. I wish I could bury them in the deepest, darkest place in my mind. I thought I locked them away, but they always seem to find the key.
I am going to cut this short, diary. I have to work in a couple of hours and I need sleep. I will try to write soon.
