The cold February winds nipped at my nose, bitterly, chilling me to the bone. My legs were close to the point of total numbness because I had stupidly made the mistake of choosing to wear to school the skirt I had gotten for Christmas, although it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter, all my pants were dirty.
Cold, bitter weather around this time of year – especially January and February – came with living in Canada. Sometimes I really hated how chillingly numbing the weather could get this time of year, around here. Other times I understood how cold, empty and bitter someplace, or someone, could get under the appropriate circumstances.
Like at this juncture in my life, I knew exactly how the weather felt because I felt just as miserable and empty. My heart had taken a beating over the past week, even before... before the final outcome.
Not too long ago, I use to think I would go into shock over such an extreme loss and possibly shut down, that or I’d stay strong for my mom. But now, I was having trouble finding the strength to stay strong for myself. The worst of it all was, my greatest fear was having to depend solely on others, and now I felt I needed that.
I felt that, with the all the nightmares that I’d been having, something was coming for me. I could feel the breath at me back, as its jaws slowly edged closer, just waiting for something to happen, waiting for me to break so it could claim me. But I couldn’t give it that satisfaction, not now. I would not breakdown, I couldn't.
Stepping inside my school, I raised my head, pulled off my hat and tore off my mitts. The students rushing to get to their first period classes flew past me, in a hustle. By some chance, I managed to make my way to my locker without being pushed or shoved. Grabbing all the stuff I needed and throwing everything else into my locker, I headed to math, letting my previous thoughts wash away into the throws of high school.
Arriving in class a few minutes before the bell, I sat in the same seat I had occupied yesterday and Anya soon entered the room. She walked over to me and sat in her seat to my left, staring at me intensely. "How are you feeling?" She asked, giving me soft eyes that held a worlds worth of worry. I looked at her with weak ones.
"I'm okay, trying to do my best but you can never really know how short you fall from that," I answered her, giving her a weak, awkward smile that matched the vigour of my eyes. She stretched out her hands and stroked my hair soothingly as I watched her intently, distracting myself, yet not at the same time.
Anya and I had made an oath when we were younger, no matter who we were, nor where we were, whatever life dished out – however mighty it may be – we would get through it together. Now, as I listened to the screeching of shoes across the classroom floor and as Anya stroked my hair softly, I knew in every vessel of my heart that she'd be there for me through this suffering. But the death, sorrow and mourning were things I had to go through alone, regardless of what we’d said.
No one would feel as much heartbreak for my father as I felt. They wouldn't have to try to be strong for their mother because she was breaking down, while having to cover up their own breakdown. But life still went on, and that was the hardest part. No one could feel how I felt because I was the one who had to go through it. Anya could give me every comforting word known to man and stroke my hair as much as possible, but she couldn't be there for me the way I needed her because she wasn't the one standing in the cold. Our oath stood true, but neither of us could have comprehended that this would be our fate. My father was dead, and her's wasn't, end of story.
A sudden wave of nausea convulsed inside me as reality slowly caught up to me. Speaking slowly to Anya as I kept it at bay, I got up, "I'm not feeling the greatest, I think I'm going to go see the nurse."
"Are you okay, do you want me to come with you?" She asked worriedly, sympathy partially drowning it out, as she slowly stood up.
Shaking my head cautiously, I spoke, "No, no, I'll be fine. I probably just need to lie down for a little while. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" As she nodded her head, resting herself back in her seat, I walked over to my math teacher and explained the situation, and then quickly walked to the nurse’s office.
"So, Ms. Ruvec, you say that you aren't feeling well?" The school nurse, Mrs. Barbriss, asked me, as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and followed it up by situating her wrist against my forehead.
As I nodded my head, she continued to speak, taking the thermometer from my mouth and looking at it. "Well by the looks of it, you don't have a fever, but you may as well stay here for a while, get some rest." She nodded at me and left, leaving me to sleep on the small blue day bed in her office.
Lying down, I stared at the white wall ahead of me. I had never much cared for white; it had always seemed to express so much chaos in its infinite, bland hollowness. But the lack of colour – now – just made me think of hospitals. I had never much liked them either, without any reason, but now they brought pure sorrow and pain in ways they had never once done before.
Remaining still, my eyes closed, I pictured the hospital. It had been so chaotic, like white, maybe that was why they were filled with the entire scope of colours mixed in one; the designers of the first hospital had known what it meant, and what it was going to be used for.
With my eyes still closed, I watched as nurses and doctors alike, rushed passed me in steadfastness. Continuing forward in my steps, I came upon my father's room, and, upon my entrance, he lay in his bed smiling up at me. His smile had at that moment looked tired and worn out, with a roughness around the edges that it had earned by such a hardship. Slowly, as I envisioned the hospital and my father, I drifted into a mirroring frenzied sleep, with walls of white and visions of my father holding me hostage.
The sudden creak of the door, and my eyes fluttered open. For a second, as my vision cleared of all I had dreamt, I thought I set eyes upon my father, but then the apparition disappeared as quickly as it had materialized, and the only one standing at the door was Mrs. Barbriss.
"Ms. Ruvec, are you feeling better?" She asked, as she took a paper cup from one of two cabinets and poured water into it by way of the room’s fountain, handing it to me. I nodded, as I took the cup graciously from her hand.
"Yes, although my head still hurts," I confessed to her, and went on to putting the cup to my lips and letting the water trickle slowly down my throat.
"Well, two Tylenol should clear that right up," she replied to me, handing me two caplets from the bottle she pulled from the medicine cabinet. I downed the Tylenol, with what was left of the water, and got up off of the day bed.
"What time is it?" I asked the short nurse. She was a petite, bottle blonde – looking older woman reaching the height of 5'1.
She smiled at me and peered at her watch. "Two minutes until lunch.” Then she brought her eyes up towards me. “You should get going; eating something would do you some good, even if it’s only small bit of food." With her hand, she patted my arm with a sparkle of a look.
I nodded and walked over to the door. Just as I was about to leave, though, I turned back towards Mrs. Barbriss and spoke with a genuine tone, "Thank you." She nodded and smiled at me with stars in her pale blue eyes and I turned and walked out the door.
The bell rang shortly before I progressed to my locker. Once I had pulled my lunch out of my bag, I locked it back up and walked off to Anya's own personal box in hell.
When I had reached my destination, I leaned up against the neighbouring locker and Anya gave me a sympathetic look, as she paused from filtering through her box. "How are you feeling?" She asked me in a sweet, comforting voice. As I smiled at her, I felt there to be a light added to it that I hadn’t felt over the past two days. There was no sparkle in my eyes, but it was a start.
"I'm feeling a little better," I told her, replying honestly.
She nodded at me lightly, giving my arm a squeeze, when Ellie and Jasmine walked over. Jasmine was a short redhead reaching the height of 5'4, with stunning brown eyes and a really positive outlook on life. She was also Ellie's best friend; they'd known each other for over ten years.
"Hey, Kris," Jasmine greeted me, with a perky smile in place that was a little less perky than usual, most likely for my benefit. She lightly touched my arm as she spoke.
"Hey, Jasmine," I replied to her, giving her a light nod of thanks, "Hey, Ellie." Ellie smiled at me when I greeted her.
"Hey, Kris," Ellie said, loudly. She hugged me the way teenage girls hugged, with one arm and a small pat on the back.
Anya made a loud bang shutting her locker and then turned to us. "Ready to go?" she asked, her hands now in her pockets as she watched me expectantly. The three of us nodded and all four of us walked off in the direction of the cafeteria.
Silence surrounded me as I ate; this was completely odd as I could see everyone’s lips moving at such a rapid pace, yet no words filled my ears. Maybe it was just my brain choosing not to listen to all of the ruckus, like it was shutting down a sense without any conscious control on my part.
Just having a small cup of soup to eat and nothing else, I finished rather quickly and left the table – and my friends – on my way to finding Xander.
Bumping into people as I attempted to make my way passed them, I ended up on my butt, with Xander's face staring down at me. The smile across his lips lingered in a goofy manner as he bestowed his hand before my eyes to help me up. He couldn't possibly understand how hard it was for me to smile the way he was.
"Where were you heading to that managed to keep your mind so unaware of just how much you were casually bumping into people?" he asked me, his grin still in place as his stunning green eyes bore down at me – he was, after all, a few inches taller than me.
"I was actually just going to look for you," I informed him, forcing a small grin that felt nothing but fake. I gestured towards the stairs leading up to my locker. "Mind if I put my lunch away before I show you around?"
He chuckled lightly with bright eyes. "Sure, lead the way."
Showing Xander around the school was simple; he was so easy-going, making a few jokes here and there, which I laughed at politely although I didn't much get any of them. It was easy to just walk around with him, even with everything that had happened in my life. I couldn’t have been more thankful of the fact that he couldn’t possibly know about what had happened.
Coming to the end of the tour, I finished off at the school's auditorium doors. A forgotten thought suddenly struck me, one that I hadn’t thought about since he had called the day before. "So, Xander, I never did find out how you managed to get my number, since I know that I didn’t tell you," I informed him with curious eyes, making it sound more like a statement than a question. He casually rubbed the back of his head as a nervous chuckle escaped his lips.
"Well, I sort of looked it up," he shyly stated, a lopsided grin playing across his lips. My heart sped up and slowed down at the same time.
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, you seemed normal," he said, beginning with a joke as he gestured with his hands nervously. "Also, I was curious to know you." My heart started to pound so hard against my chest that it hurt and it was a wonder to me how he didn’t hear it. "And, besides, you're cute!" By this time, he had placed his hand on my cheek and stroked it. For a second I had my eyes closed and pondered the idea of him, but then it became overwhelming in my heart, and just too much that I couldn’t breathe.
I swallowed the saliva in the back of my throat as my eyebrows knitted together and came apart. "What are you saying?" I asked in a hushed tone, fearing that if I spoke too loud, I would lose my composure, or worse, shut down.
"Come on, you know what I'm saying, I like you. I know I haven't known you for very long but I feel this connection with you, and I feel that I've gotten to know you a little better during this small amount of time we’ve spent together. And, I’d like to get to know you some more," he said, his hand still lingering on my cheek.
“No.”
“What?”
"No!" I told him more forcefully, pushing his hand away from me and sliding back a few steps. I spoke in such a hoarse manner that my voice felt almost foreign to me, it wasn’t like me to be harsh or brash.
"Why not?" he asked me, confusion and slight frustration stringing both in his voice and across his face.
"Because my heart isn't strong enough right now to live in a fairy tale." My eyes stung with hot tears as I spoke.
"What's so bad about living in a fairy tale?" He asked me, almost too calmly. What came out of my mouth was a sort of screaming laugh with an hysteric note to it.
"They’re just fine until that one day that you have to come back into reality and realise that, there is no knight in shining armour coming to save the princess. There is no light shining at the end of the tunnel. People don’t get a happily ever after, that just doesn’t work out. This is real life, and I have to deal with just that!"
Storming in a rage, I left him in the dust, staring after me as hot tears swelled and descended from my eyes. I wiped my cheeks, as I passed students who barely gave me a second glance, held up in their own lives and their own problems. Possessing pain in my heart, I glanced back at Xander for one last second standing there in confusion, and our eyes locked; then I was gone.
Cold, bitter weather around this time of year – especially January and February – came with living in Canada. Sometimes I really hated how chillingly numbing the weather could get this time of year, around here. Other times I understood how cold, empty and bitter someplace, or someone, could get under the appropriate circumstances.
Like at this juncture in my life, I knew exactly how the weather felt because I felt just as miserable and empty. My heart had taken a beating over the past week, even before... before the final outcome.
Not too long ago, I use to think I would go into shock over such an extreme loss and possibly shut down, that or I’d stay strong for my mom. But now, I was having trouble finding the strength to stay strong for myself. The worst of it all was, my greatest fear was having to depend solely on others, and now I felt I needed that.
I felt that, with the all the nightmares that I’d been having, something was coming for me. I could feel the breath at me back, as its jaws slowly edged closer, just waiting for something to happen, waiting for me to break so it could claim me. But I couldn’t give it that satisfaction, not now. I would not breakdown, I couldn't.
Stepping inside my school, I raised my head, pulled off my hat and tore off my mitts. The students rushing to get to their first period classes flew past me, in a hustle. By some chance, I managed to make my way to my locker without being pushed or shoved. Grabbing all the stuff I needed and throwing everything else into my locker, I headed to math, letting my previous thoughts wash away into the throws of high school.
Arriving in class a few minutes before the bell, I sat in the same seat I had occupied yesterday and Anya soon entered the room. She walked over to me and sat in her seat to my left, staring at me intensely. "How are you feeling?" She asked, giving me soft eyes that held a worlds worth of worry. I looked at her with weak ones.
"I'm okay, trying to do my best but you can never really know how short you fall from that," I answered her, giving her a weak, awkward smile that matched the vigour of my eyes. She stretched out her hands and stroked my hair soothingly as I watched her intently, distracting myself, yet not at the same time.
Anya and I had made an oath when we were younger, no matter who we were, nor where we were, whatever life dished out – however mighty it may be – we would get through it together. Now, as I listened to the screeching of shoes across the classroom floor and as Anya stroked my hair softly, I knew in every vessel of my heart that she'd be there for me through this suffering. But the death, sorrow and mourning were things I had to go through alone, regardless of what we’d said.
No one would feel as much heartbreak for my father as I felt. They wouldn't have to try to be strong for their mother because she was breaking down, while having to cover up their own breakdown. But life still went on, and that was the hardest part. No one could feel how I felt because I was the one who had to go through it. Anya could give me every comforting word known to man and stroke my hair as much as possible, but she couldn't be there for me the way I needed her because she wasn't the one standing in the cold. Our oath stood true, but neither of us could have comprehended that this would be our fate. My father was dead, and her's wasn't, end of story.
A sudden wave of nausea convulsed inside me as reality slowly caught up to me. Speaking slowly to Anya as I kept it at bay, I got up, "I'm not feeling the greatest, I think I'm going to go see the nurse."
"Are you okay, do you want me to come with you?" She asked worriedly, sympathy partially drowning it out, as she slowly stood up.
Shaking my head cautiously, I spoke, "No, no, I'll be fine. I probably just need to lie down for a little while. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" As she nodded her head, resting herself back in her seat, I walked over to my math teacher and explained the situation, and then quickly walked to the nurse’s office.
"So, Ms. Ruvec, you say that you aren't feeling well?" The school nurse, Mrs. Barbriss, asked me, as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and followed it up by situating her wrist against my forehead.
As I nodded my head, she continued to speak, taking the thermometer from my mouth and looking at it. "Well by the looks of it, you don't have a fever, but you may as well stay here for a while, get some rest." She nodded at me and left, leaving me to sleep on the small blue day bed in her office.
Lying down, I stared at the white wall ahead of me. I had never much cared for white; it had always seemed to express so much chaos in its infinite, bland hollowness. But the lack of colour – now – just made me think of hospitals. I had never much liked them either, without any reason, but now they brought pure sorrow and pain in ways they had never once done before.
Remaining still, my eyes closed, I pictured the hospital. It had been so chaotic, like white, maybe that was why they were filled with the entire scope of colours mixed in one; the designers of the first hospital had known what it meant, and what it was going to be used for.
With my eyes still closed, I watched as nurses and doctors alike, rushed passed me in steadfastness. Continuing forward in my steps, I came upon my father's room, and, upon my entrance, he lay in his bed smiling up at me. His smile had at that moment looked tired and worn out, with a roughness around the edges that it had earned by such a hardship. Slowly, as I envisioned the hospital and my father, I drifted into a mirroring frenzied sleep, with walls of white and visions of my father holding me hostage.
The sudden creak of the door, and my eyes fluttered open. For a second, as my vision cleared of all I had dreamt, I thought I set eyes upon my father, but then the apparition disappeared as quickly as it had materialized, and the only one standing at the door was Mrs. Barbriss.
"Ms. Ruvec, are you feeling better?" She asked, as she took a paper cup from one of two cabinets and poured water into it by way of the room’s fountain, handing it to me. I nodded, as I took the cup graciously from her hand.
"Yes, although my head still hurts," I confessed to her, and went on to putting the cup to my lips and letting the water trickle slowly down my throat.
"Well, two Tylenol should clear that right up," she replied to me, handing me two caplets from the bottle she pulled from the medicine cabinet. I downed the Tylenol, with what was left of the water, and got up off of the day bed.
"What time is it?" I asked the short nurse. She was a petite, bottle blonde – looking older woman reaching the height of 5'1.
She smiled at me and peered at her watch. "Two minutes until lunch.” Then she brought her eyes up towards me. “You should get going; eating something would do you some good, even if it’s only small bit of food." With her hand, she patted my arm with a sparkle of a look.
I nodded and walked over to the door. Just as I was about to leave, though, I turned back towards Mrs. Barbriss and spoke with a genuine tone, "Thank you." She nodded and smiled at me with stars in her pale blue eyes and I turned and walked out the door.
The bell rang shortly before I progressed to my locker. Once I had pulled my lunch out of my bag, I locked it back up and walked off to Anya's own personal box in hell.
When I had reached my destination, I leaned up against the neighbouring locker and Anya gave me a sympathetic look, as she paused from filtering through her box. "How are you feeling?" She asked me in a sweet, comforting voice. As I smiled at her, I felt there to be a light added to it that I hadn’t felt over the past two days. There was no sparkle in my eyes, but it was a start.
"I'm feeling a little better," I told her, replying honestly.
She nodded at me lightly, giving my arm a squeeze, when Ellie and Jasmine walked over. Jasmine was a short redhead reaching the height of 5'4, with stunning brown eyes and a really positive outlook on life. She was also Ellie's best friend; they'd known each other for over ten years.
"Hey, Kris," Jasmine greeted me, with a perky smile in place that was a little less perky than usual, most likely for my benefit. She lightly touched my arm as she spoke.
"Hey, Jasmine," I replied to her, giving her a light nod of thanks, "Hey, Ellie." Ellie smiled at me when I greeted her.
"Hey, Kris," Ellie said, loudly. She hugged me the way teenage girls hugged, with one arm and a small pat on the back.
Anya made a loud bang shutting her locker and then turned to us. "Ready to go?" she asked, her hands now in her pockets as she watched me expectantly. The three of us nodded and all four of us walked off in the direction of the cafeteria.
Silence surrounded me as I ate; this was completely odd as I could see everyone’s lips moving at such a rapid pace, yet no words filled my ears. Maybe it was just my brain choosing not to listen to all of the ruckus, like it was shutting down a sense without any conscious control on my part.
Just having a small cup of soup to eat and nothing else, I finished rather quickly and left the table – and my friends – on my way to finding Xander.
Bumping into people as I attempted to make my way passed them, I ended up on my butt, with Xander's face staring down at me. The smile across his lips lingered in a goofy manner as he bestowed his hand before my eyes to help me up. He couldn't possibly understand how hard it was for me to smile the way he was.
"Where were you heading to that managed to keep your mind so unaware of just how much you were casually bumping into people?" he asked me, his grin still in place as his stunning green eyes bore down at me – he was, after all, a few inches taller than me.
"I was actually just going to look for you," I informed him, forcing a small grin that felt nothing but fake. I gestured towards the stairs leading up to my locker. "Mind if I put my lunch away before I show you around?"
He chuckled lightly with bright eyes. "Sure, lead the way."
Showing Xander around the school was simple; he was so easy-going, making a few jokes here and there, which I laughed at politely although I didn't much get any of them. It was easy to just walk around with him, even with everything that had happened in my life. I couldn’t have been more thankful of the fact that he couldn’t possibly know about what had happened.
Coming to the end of the tour, I finished off at the school's auditorium doors. A forgotten thought suddenly struck me, one that I hadn’t thought about since he had called the day before. "So, Xander, I never did find out how you managed to get my number, since I know that I didn’t tell you," I informed him with curious eyes, making it sound more like a statement than a question. He casually rubbed the back of his head as a nervous chuckle escaped his lips.
"Well, I sort of looked it up," he shyly stated, a lopsided grin playing across his lips. My heart sped up and slowed down at the same time.
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, you seemed normal," he said, beginning with a joke as he gestured with his hands nervously. "Also, I was curious to know you." My heart started to pound so hard against my chest that it hurt and it was a wonder to me how he didn’t hear it. "And, besides, you're cute!" By this time, he had placed his hand on my cheek and stroked it. For a second I had my eyes closed and pondered the idea of him, but then it became overwhelming in my heart, and just too much that I couldn’t breathe.
I swallowed the saliva in the back of my throat as my eyebrows knitted together and came apart. "What are you saying?" I asked in a hushed tone, fearing that if I spoke too loud, I would lose my composure, or worse, shut down.
"Come on, you know what I'm saying, I like you. I know I haven't known you for very long but I feel this connection with you, and I feel that I've gotten to know you a little better during this small amount of time we’ve spent together. And, I’d like to get to know you some more," he said, his hand still lingering on my cheek.
“No.”
“What?”
"No!" I told him more forcefully, pushing his hand away from me and sliding back a few steps. I spoke in such a hoarse manner that my voice felt almost foreign to me, it wasn’t like me to be harsh or brash.
"Why not?" he asked me, confusion and slight frustration stringing both in his voice and across his face.
"Because my heart isn't strong enough right now to live in a fairy tale." My eyes stung with hot tears as I spoke.
"What's so bad about living in a fairy tale?" He asked me, almost too calmly. What came out of my mouth was a sort of screaming laugh with an hysteric note to it.
"They’re just fine until that one day that you have to come back into reality and realise that, there is no knight in shining armour coming to save the princess. There is no light shining at the end of the tunnel. People don’t get a happily ever after, that just doesn’t work out. This is real life, and I have to deal with just that!"
Storming in a rage, I left him in the dust, staring after me as hot tears swelled and descended from my eyes. I wiped my cheeks, as I passed students who barely gave me a second glance, held up in their own lives and their own problems. Possessing pain in my heart, I glanced back at Xander for one last second standing there in confusion, and our eyes locked; then I was gone.
The cold February winds nipped at my nose, bitterly, chilling me to the bone. My legs were close to the point of total numbness because I had stupidly made the mistake of choosing to wear to school the skirt I had gotten for Christmas, although it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter, all my pants were dirty.
Cold, bitter weather around this time of year – especially January and February – came with living in Canada. Sometimes I really hated how chillingly numbing the weather could get this time of year, around here. Other times I understood how cold, empty and bitter someplace, or someone, could get under the appropriate circumstances.
Like at this juncture in my life, I knew exactly how the weather felt because I felt just as miserable and empty. My heart had taken a beating over the past week, even before... before the final outcome.
Not too long ago, I use to think I would go into shock over such an extreme loss and possibly shut down, that or I’d stay strong for my mom. But now, I was having trouble finding the strength to stay strong for myself. The worst of it all was, my greatest fear was having to depend solely on others, and now I felt I needed that.
I felt that, with the all the nightmares that I’d been having, something was coming for me. I could feel the breath at me back, as its jaws slowly edged closer, just waiting for something to happen, waiting for me to break so it could claim me. But I couldn’t give it that satisfaction, not now. I would not breakdown, I couldn't.
Stepping inside my school, I raised my head, pulled off my hat and tore off my mitts. The students rushing to get to their first period classes flew past me, in a hustle. By some chance, I managed to make my way to my locker without being pushed or shoved. Grabbing all the stuff I needed and throwing everything else into my locker, I headed to math, letting my previous thoughts wash away into the throws of high school.
Arriving in class a few minutes before the bell, I sat in the same seat I had occupied yesterday and Anya soon entered the room. She walked over to me and sat in her seat to my left, staring at me intensely. "How are you feeling?" She asked, giving me soft eyes that held a worlds worth of worry. I looked at her with weak ones.
"I'm okay, trying to do my best but you can never really know how short you fall from that," I answered her, giving her a weak, awkward smile that matched the vigour of my eyes. She stretched out her hands and stroked my hair soothingly as I watched her intently, distracting myself, yet not at the same time.
Anya and I had made an oath when we were younger, no matter who we were, nor where we were, whatever life dished out – however mighty it may be – we would get through it together. Now, as I listened to the screeching of shoes across the classroom floor and as Anya stroked my hair softly, I knew in every vessel of my heart that she'd be there for me through this suffering. But the death, sorrow and mourning were things I had to go through alone, regardless of what we’d said.
No one would feel as much heartbreak for my father as I felt. They wouldn't have to try to be strong for their mother because she was breaking down, while having to cover up their own breakdown. But life still went on, and that was the hardest part. No one could feel how I felt because I was the one who had to go through it. Anya could give me every comforting word known to man and stroke my hair as much as possible, but she couldn't be there for me the way I needed her because she wasn't the one standing in the cold. Our oath stood true, but neither of us could have comprehended that this would be our fate. My father was dead, and her's wasn't, end of story.
A sudden wave of nausea convulsed inside me as reality slowly caught up to me. Speaking slowly to Anya as I kept it at bay, I got up, "I'm not feeling the greatest, I think I'm going to go see the nurse."
"Are you okay, do you want me to come with you?" She asked worriedly, sympathy partially drowning it out, as she slowly stood up.
Shaking my head cautiously, I spoke, "No, no, I'll be fine. I probably just need to lie down for a little while. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" As she nodded her head, resting herself back in her seat, I walked over to my math teacher and explained the situation, and then quickly walked to the nurse’s office.
"So, Ms. Ruvec, you say that you aren't feeling well?" The school nurse, Mrs. Barbriss, asked me, as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and followed it up by situating her wrist against my forehead.
As I nodded my head, she continued to speak, taking the thermometer from my mouth and looking at it. "Well by the looks of it, you don't have a fever, but you may as well stay here for a while, get some rest." She nodded at me and left, leaving me to sleep on the small blue day bed in her office.
Lying down, I stared at the white wall ahead of me. I had never much cared for white; it had always seemed to express so much chaos in its infinite, bland hollowness. But the lack of colour – now – just made me think of hospitals. I had never much liked them either, without any reason, but now they brought pure sorrow and pain in ways they had never once done before.
Remaining still, my eyes closed, I pictured the hospital. It had been so chaotic, like white, maybe that was why they were filled with the entire scope of colours mixed in one; the designers of the first hospital had known what it meant, and what it was going to be used for.
With my eyes still closed, I watched as nurses and doctors alike, rushed passed me in steadfastness. Continuing forward in my steps, I came upon my father's room, and, upon my entrance, he lay in his bed smiling up at me. His smile had at that moment looked tired and worn out, with a roughness around the edges that it had earned by such a hardship. Slowly, as I envisioned the hospital and my father, I drifted into a mirroring frenzied sleep, with walls of white and visions of my father holding me hostage.
The sudden creak of the door, and my eyes fluttered open. For a second, as my vision cleared of all I had dreamt, I thought I set eyes upon my father, but then the apparition disappeared as quickly as it had materialized, and the only one standing at the door was Mrs. Barbriss.
"Ms. Ruvec, are you feeling better?" She asked, as she took a paper cup from one of two cabinets and poured water into it by way of the room’s fountain, handing it to me. I nodded, as I took the cup graciously from her hand.
"Yes, although my head still hurts," I confessed to her, and went on to putting the cup to my lips and letting the water trickle slowly down my throat.
"Well, two Tylenol should clear that right up," she replied to me, handing me two caplets from the bottle she pulled from the medicine cabinet. I downed the Tylenol, with what was left of the water, and got up off of the day bed.
"What time is it?" I asked the short nurse. She was a petite, bottle blonde – looking older woman reaching the height of 5'1.
She smiled at me and peered at her watch. "Two minutes until lunch.” Then she brought her eyes up towards me. “You should get going; eating something would do you some good, even if it’s only small bit of food." With her hand, she patted my arm with a sparkle of a look.
I nodded and walked over to the door. Just as I was about to leave, though, I turned back towards Mrs. Barbriss and spoke with a genuine tone, "Thank you." She nodded and smiled at me with stars in her pale blue eyes and I turned and walked out the door.
The bell rang shortly before I progressed to my locker. Once I had pulled my lunch out of my bag, I locked it back up and walked off to Anya's own personal box in hell.
When I had reached my destination, I leaned up against the neighbouring locker and Anya gave me a sympathetic look, as she paused from filtering through her box. "How are you feeling?" She asked me in a sweet, comforting voice. As I smiled at her, I felt there to be a light added to it that I hadn’t felt over the past two days. There was no sparkle in my eyes, but it was a start.
"I'm feeling a little better," I told her, replying honestly.
She nodded at me lightly, giving my arm a squeeze, when Ellie and Jasmine walked over. Jasmine was a short redhead reaching the height of 5'4, with stunning brown eyes and a really positive outlook on life. She was also Ellie's best friend; they'd known each other for over ten years.
"Hey, Kris," Jasmine greeted me, with a perky smile in place that was a little less perky than usual, most likely for my benefit. She lightly touched my arm as she spoke.
"Hey, Jasmine," I replied to her, giving her a light nod of thanks, "Hey, Ellie." Ellie smiled at me when I greeted her.
"Hey, Kris," Ellie said, loudly. She hugged me the way teenage girls hugged, with one arm and a small pat on the back.
Anya made a loud bang shutting her locker and then turned to us. "Ready to go?" she asked, her hands now in her pockets as she watched me expectantly. The three of us nodded and all four of us walked off in the direction of the cafeteria.
Silence surrounded me as I ate; this was completely odd as I could see everyone’s lips moving at such a rapid pace, yet no words filled my ears. Maybe it was just my brain choosing not to listen to all of the ruckus, like it was shutting down a sense without any conscious control on my part.
Just having a small cup of soup to eat and nothing else, I finished rather quickly and left the table – and my friends – on my way to finding Xander.
Bumping into people as I attempted to make my way passed them, I ended up on my butt, with Xander's face staring down at me. The smile across his lips lingered in a goofy manner as he bestowed his hand before my eyes to help me up. He couldn't possibly understand how hard it was for me to smile the way he was.
"Where were you heading to that managed to keep your mind so unaware of just how much you were casually bumping into people?" he asked me, his grin still in place as his stunning green eyes bore down at me – he was, after all, a few inches taller than me.
"I was actually just going to look for you," I informed him, forcing a small grin that felt nothing but fake. I gestured towards the stairs leading up to my locker. "Mind if I put my lunch away before I show you around?"
He chuckled lightly with bright eyes. "Sure, lead the way."
Showing Xander around the school was simple; he was so easy-going, making a few jokes here and there, which I laughed at politely although I didn't much get any of them. It was easy to just walk around with him, even with everything that had happened in my life. I couldn’t have been more thankful of the fact that he couldn’t possibly know about what had happened.
Coming to the end of the tour, I finished off at the school's auditorium doors. A forgotten thought suddenly struck me, one that I hadn’t thought about since he had called the day before. "So, Xander, I never did find out how you managed to get my number, since I know that I didn’t tell you," I informed him with curious eyes, making it sound more like a statement than a question. He casually rubbed the back of his head as a nervous chuckle escaped his lips.
"Well, I sort of looked it up," he shyly stated, a lopsided grin playing across his lips. My heart sped up and slowed down at the same time.
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, you seemed normal," he said, beginning with a joke as he gestured with his hands nervously. "Also, I was curious to know you." My heart started to pound so hard against my chest that it hurt and it was a wonder to me how he didn’t hear it. "And, besides, you're cute!" By this time, he had placed his hand on my cheek and stroked it. For a second I had my eyes closed and pondered the idea of him, but then it became overwhelming in my heart, and just too much that I couldn’t breathe.
I swallowed the saliva in the back of my throat as my eyebrows knitted together and came apart. "What are you saying?" I asked in a hushed tone, fearing that if I spoke too loud, I would lose my composure, or worse, shut down.
"Come on, you know what I'm saying, I like you. I know I haven't known you for very long but I feel this connection with you, and I feel that I've gotten to know you a little better during this small amount of time we’ve spent together. And, I’d like to get to know you some more," he said, his hand still lingering on my cheek.
“No.”
“What?”
"No!" I told him more forcefully, pushing his hand away from me and sliding back a few steps. I spoke in such a hoarse manner that my voice felt almost foreign to me, it wasn’t like me to be harsh or brash.
"Why not?" he asked me, confusion and slight frustration stringing both in his voice and across his face.
"Because my heart isn't strong enough right now to live in a fairy tale." My eyes stung with hot tears as I spoke.
"What's so bad about living in a fairy tale?" He asked me, almost too calmly. What came out of my mouth was a sort of screaming laugh with an hysteric note to it.
"They’re just fine until that one day that you have to come back into reality and realise that, there is no knight in shining armour coming to save the princess. There is no light shining at the end of the tunnel. People don’t get a happily ever after, that just doesn’t work out. This is real life, and I have to deal with just that!"
Storming in a rage, I left him in the dust, staring after me as hot tears swelled and descended from my eyes. I wiped my cheeks, as I passed students who barely gave me a second glance, held up in their own lives and their own problems. Possessing pain in my heart, I glanced back at Xander for one last second standing there in confusion, and our eyes locked; then I was gone.
Cold, bitter weather around this time of year – especially January and February – came with living in Canada. Sometimes I really hated how chillingly numbing the weather could get this time of year, around here. Other times I understood how cold, empty and bitter someplace, or someone, could get under the appropriate circumstances.
Like at this juncture in my life, I knew exactly how the weather felt because I felt just as miserable and empty. My heart had taken a beating over the past week, even before... before the final outcome.
Not too long ago, I use to think I would go into shock over such an extreme loss and possibly shut down, that or I’d stay strong for my mom. But now, I was having trouble finding the strength to stay strong for myself. The worst of it all was, my greatest fear was having to depend solely on others, and now I felt I needed that.
I felt that, with the all the nightmares that I’d been having, something was coming for me. I could feel the breath at me back, as its jaws slowly edged closer, just waiting for something to happen, waiting for me to break so it could claim me. But I couldn’t give it that satisfaction, not now. I would not breakdown, I couldn't.
Stepping inside my school, I raised my head, pulled off my hat and tore off my mitts. The students rushing to get to their first period classes flew past me, in a hustle. By some chance, I managed to make my way to my locker without being pushed or shoved. Grabbing all the stuff I needed and throwing everything else into my locker, I headed to math, letting my previous thoughts wash away into the throws of high school.
Arriving in class a few minutes before the bell, I sat in the same seat I had occupied yesterday and Anya soon entered the room. She walked over to me and sat in her seat to my left, staring at me intensely. "How are you feeling?" She asked, giving me soft eyes that held a worlds worth of worry. I looked at her with weak ones.
"I'm okay, trying to do my best but you can never really know how short you fall from that," I answered her, giving her a weak, awkward smile that matched the vigour of my eyes. She stretched out her hands and stroked my hair soothingly as I watched her intently, distracting myself, yet not at the same time.
Anya and I had made an oath when we were younger, no matter who we were, nor where we were, whatever life dished out – however mighty it may be – we would get through it together. Now, as I listened to the screeching of shoes across the classroom floor and as Anya stroked my hair softly, I knew in every vessel of my heart that she'd be there for me through this suffering. But the death, sorrow and mourning were things I had to go through alone, regardless of what we’d said.
No one would feel as much heartbreak for my father as I felt. They wouldn't have to try to be strong for their mother because she was breaking down, while having to cover up their own breakdown. But life still went on, and that was the hardest part. No one could feel how I felt because I was the one who had to go through it. Anya could give me every comforting word known to man and stroke my hair as much as possible, but she couldn't be there for me the way I needed her because she wasn't the one standing in the cold. Our oath stood true, but neither of us could have comprehended that this would be our fate. My father was dead, and her's wasn't, end of story.
A sudden wave of nausea convulsed inside me as reality slowly caught up to me. Speaking slowly to Anya as I kept it at bay, I got up, "I'm not feeling the greatest, I think I'm going to go see the nurse."
"Are you okay, do you want me to come with you?" She asked worriedly, sympathy partially drowning it out, as she slowly stood up.
Shaking my head cautiously, I spoke, "No, no, I'll be fine. I probably just need to lie down for a little while. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" As she nodded her head, resting herself back in her seat, I walked over to my math teacher and explained the situation, and then quickly walked to the nurse’s office.
"So, Ms. Ruvec, you say that you aren't feeling well?" The school nurse, Mrs. Barbriss, asked me, as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and followed it up by situating her wrist against my forehead.
As I nodded my head, she continued to speak, taking the thermometer from my mouth and looking at it. "Well by the looks of it, you don't have a fever, but you may as well stay here for a while, get some rest." She nodded at me and left, leaving me to sleep on the small blue day bed in her office.
Lying down, I stared at the white wall ahead of me. I had never much cared for white; it had always seemed to express so much chaos in its infinite, bland hollowness. But the lack of colour – now – just made me think of hospitals. I had never much liked them either, without any reason, but now they brought pure sorrow and pain in ways they had never once done before.
Remaining still, my eyes closed, I pictured the hospital. It had been so chaotic, like white, maybe that was why they were filled with the entire scope of colours mixed in one; the designers of the first hospital had known what it meant, and what it was going to be used for.
With my eyes still closed, I watched as nurses and doctors alike, rushed passed me in steadfastness. Continuing forward in my steps, I came upon my father's room, and, upon my entrance, he lay in his bed smiling up at me. His smile had at that moment looked tired and worn out, with a roughness around the edges that it had earned by such a hardship. Slowly, as I envisioned the hospital and my father, I drifted into a mirroring frenzied sleep, with walls of white and visions of my father holding me hostage.
The sudden creak of the door, and my eyes fluttered open. For a second, as my vision cleared of all I had dreamt, I thought I set eyes upon my father, but then the apparition disappeared as quickly as it had materialized, and the only one standing at the door was Mrs. Barbriss.
"Ms. Ruvec, are you feeling better?" She asked, as she took a paper cup from one of two cabinets and poured water into it by way of the room’s fountain, handing it to me. I nodded, as I took the cup graciously from her hand.
"Yes, although my head still hurts," I confessed to her, and went on to putting the cup to my lips and letting the water trickle slowly down my throat.
"Well, two Tylenol should clear that right up," she replied to me, handing me two caplets from the bottle she pulled from the medicine cabinet. I downed the Tylenol, with what was left of the water, and got up off of the day bed.
"What time is it?" I asked the short nurse. She was a petite, bottle blonde – looking older woman reaching the height of 5'1.
She smiled at me and peered at her watch. "Two minutes until lunch.” Then she brought her eyes up towards me. “You should get going; eating something would do you some good, even if it’s only small bit of food." With her hand, she patted my arm with a sparkle of a look.
I nodded and walked over to the door. Just as I was about to leave, though, I turned back towards Mrs. Barbriss and spoke with a genuine tone, "Thank you." She nodded and smiled at me with stars in her pale blue eyes and I turned and walked out the door.
The bell rang shortly before I progressed to my locker. Once I had pulled my lunch out of my bag, I locked it back up and walked off to Anya's own personal box in hell.
When I had reached my destination, I leaned up against the neighbouring locker and Anya gave me a sympathetic look, as she paused from filtering through her box. "How are you feeling?" She asked me in a sweet, comforting voice. As I smiled at her, I felt there to be a light added to it that I hadn’t felt over the past two days. There was no sparkle in my eyes, but it was a start.
"I'm feeling a little better," I told her, replying honestly.
She nodded at me lightly, giving my arm a squeeze, when Ellie and Jasmine walked over. Jasmine was a short redhead reaching the height of 5'4, with stunning brown eyes and a really positive outlook on life. She was also Ellie's best friend; they'd known each other for over ten years.
"Hey, Kris," Jasmine greeted me, with a perky smile in place that was a little less perky than usual, most likely for my benefit. She lightly touched my arm as she spoke.
"Hey, Jasmine," I replied to her, giving her a light nod of thanks, "Hey, Ellie." Ellie smiled at me when I greeted her.
"Hey, Kris," Ellie said, loudly. She hugged me the way teenage girls hugged, with one arm and a small pat on the back.
Anya made a loud bang shutting her locker and then turned to us. "Ready to go?" she asked, her hands now in her pockets as she watched me expectantly. The three of us nodded and all four of us walked off in the direction of the cafeteria.
Silence surrounded me as I ate; this was completely odd as I could see everyone’s lips moving at such a rapid pace, yet no words filled my ears. Maybe it was just my brain choosing not to listen to all of the ruckus, like it was shutting down a sense without any conscious control on my part.
Just having a small cup of soup to eat and nothing else, I finished rather quickly and left the table – and my friends – on my way to finding Xander.
Bumping into people as I attempted to make my way passed them, I ended up on my butt, with Xander's face staring down at me. The smile across his lips lingered in a goofy manner as he bestowed his hand before my eyes to help me up. He couldn't possibly understand how hard it was for me to smile the way he was.
"Where were you heading to that managed to keep your mind so unaware of just how much you were casually bumping into people?" he asked me, his grin still in place as his stunning green eyes bore down at me – he was, after all, a few inches taller than me.
"I was actually just going to look for you," I informed him, forcing a small grin that felt nothing but fake. I gestured towards the stairs leading up to my locker. "Mind if I put my lunch away before I show you around?"
He chuckled lightly with bright eyes. "Sure, lead the way."
Showing Xander around the school was simple; he was so easy-going, making a few jokes here and there, which I laughed at politely although I didn't much get any of them. It was easy to just walk around with him, even with everything that had happened in my life. I couldn’t have been more thankful of the fact that he couldn’t possibly know about what had happened.
Coming to the end of the tour, I finished off at the school's auditorium doors. A forgotten thought suddenly struck me, one that I hadn’t thought about since he had called the day before. "So, Xander, I never did find out how you managed to get my number, since I know that I didn’t tell you," I informed him with curious eyes, making it sound more like a statement than a question. He casually rubbed the back of his head as a nervous chuckle escaped his lips.
"Well, I sort of looked it up," he shyly stated, a lopsided grin playing across his lips. My heart sped up and slowed down at the same time.
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, you seemed normal," he said, beginning with a joke as he gestured with his hands nervously. "Also, I was curious to know you." My heart started to pound so hard against my chest that it hurt and it was a wonder to me how he didn’t hear it. "And, besides, you're cute!" By this time, he had placed his hand on my cheek and stroked it. For a second I had my eyes closed and pondered the idea of him, but then it became overwhelming in my heart, and just too much that I couldn’t breathe.
I swallowed the saliva in the back of my throat as my eyebrows knitted together and came apart. "What are you saying?" I asked in a hushed tone, fearing that if I spoke too loud, I would lose my composure, or worse, shut down.
"Come on, you know what I'm saying, I like you. I know I haven't known you for very long but I feel this connection with you, and I feel that I've gotten to know you a little better during this small amount of time we’ve spent together. And, I’d like to get to know you some more," he said, his hand still lingering on my cheek.
“No.”
“What?”
"No!" I told him more forcefully, pushing his hand away from me and sliding back a few steps. I spoke in such a hoarse manner that my voice felt almost foreign to me, it wasn’t like me to be harsh or brash.
"Why not?" he asked me, confusion and slight frustration stringing both in his voice and across his face.
"Because my heart isn't strong enough right now to live in a fairy tale." My eyes stung with hot tears as I spoke.
"What's so bad about living in a fairy tale?" He asked me, almost too calmly. What came out of my mouth was a sort of screaming laugh with an hysteric note to it.
"They’re just fine until that one day that you have to come back into reality and realise that, there is no knight in shining armour coming to save the princess. There is no light shining at the end of the tunnel. People don’t get a happily ever after, that just doesn’t work out. This is real life, and I have to deal with just that!"
Storming in a rage, I left him in the dust, staring after me as hot tears swelled and descended from my eyes. I wiped my cheeks, as I passed students who barely gave me a second glance, held up in their own lives and their own problems. Possessing pain in my heart, I glanced back at Xander for one last second standing there in confusion, and our eyes locked; then I was gone.