If you haven't seen Hellsing Ultimate(which is the anime in question up for the crossover this episode; don't worry, something IS going to happen on THIS show so I can keep doing this shit), look the goddamn anime up on YouTube. Look for the abridged version made by YouTube user takahata101; that one is the best version. And caesar213, don't worry, that MLP:FiM/NHKL crossover is still going to happen. I'm just doing something different this time. I'm pretty much only doing this episode as a placeholder because I couldn't really think of much else for this episode. Now that this EVEN LONGER intro is out of the way...
Rintoo: Hey, you know what we haven't done in the past few races?
Edvine: Forza 3? I'm pretty much done with that game.
Rintoo: Say what?!
Edvine: I... gold-medaled... every fucking race... in every fucking event. There is nothing else to do.
Rintoo: All 220 events?! All 909 races?!
Edvine: Yep. I'm raced out. I'll find something else that we can do but for now, no more racing.
Rintoo: Aw... damn it. *knock on door* What the hell was that?
*door is straight-up broken*
Edvine: Hey! What the fuck?!
Rintoo: I put my name on that fucking door!
Van Helsing: Goddamn it Alucard! When I told you we were going to visit Florida, I didn't say you could cause wanton fucking destruction!
Alucard: Well then you should have told me I could bring the police girl with the big boobs!
Van Helsing: I only had two plane tickets, asshole!
Alucard: She'll know where to find us though... Fucking vampire sensitivity.
Rintoo: Who the fuck are you guys and why have you come here?
Van Helsing: Well, my name is Van Helsing, and this fucknut vampire I have in tow is named Alucard.
Alucard: FUCKNUT?!
Van Helsing: Just fucking behave in this house; we're guests.
Alucard: So...
Van Helsing: Just stay the fuck away from anyone else, stay out of natural light... Basically don't fucking leave the house.
Alucard: You guys have Netflix?
Edvine: Better: Amazon Instant Video.
Rintoo: What kind of shows do you like?
Alucard: As long as it isn't some dumb fucking reality show or cooking show, god forbid BOTH, I don't fucking care.
Edvine: You sure like using that word, "fuck".
Rintoo: It seems like you use it like I use the word "awesome"...
Alucard: Hey, how's this for a word? Fuckawesome.
Rintoo: Alucard, I think this could be the start of a rather gory friendship.
*about an hour later*
Tyler, who pretty much hasn't had a line all season: What smells like death?
Alucard: That would be me.
Tyler: AAAAHHHHH!!! What the fuck man?!
Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry; did I almost give you a heart attack?
Tyler: Uh... YEAH!
Alucard: I get that a lot...
Tyler: What do you think about the whole fucking 3D fad going on?
Alucard: It's a stupid fucking gimmick! They drive TV prices and movie ticket prices way the fuck up to justify this horseshit.
Tyler: And of course, the feeling of imminent nausea after watching one of those fucking things...
Alucard: Exactly. Fuck 3D.
Rintoo: Oh, Alucard, there you are! I see you've met one of my housemates, Tyler.
Tyler: We go way back...
Alucard: Apparently, Tyler here hates 3D as much, if not more, as I do.
Rintoo: You know how you kill all of those assholes you see?
Alucard: Yeah...
Rintoo: Do that to 3D. It deserves to die.
Tyler: And all of these video game companies going fucking digital these days? FUCK THAT. If I want to play Assassin's Creed III or some other blockbuster hit, I want that on fucking disc.
Rintoo: Alucard, why are you, that Van Helsing bitch--
Alucard: You think she's a bitch too?
Rintoo: Yeah. But why are you, Helsing and hopefully that police girl with those big tits you went on about here?
Alucard: Ever heard of Millennium?
Rintoo: What in titanium-plated, gold-bolted, treasure chest-shaped, horribly-unlocked fuck is that?
Alucard: Nice string of "Fuck modifiers" you got there. Well, you see... they want me dead. Actually legitimately dead. We don't know where they may be holed up in, but I have a hunch as to who the members are.
Rintoo: Oh really?
Alucard: Yes. Nazis.
Rintoo: What... in sweet merciful FUCKTEETH... do you think Hitler-era Germans have to do with wanting you dead?
Alucard: They... how should I put this... You ever seen Star Wars?
Rintoo: No, but Edvine has.
Alucard: Damn... You ever heard of Mass Effect?
Rintoo: Who hasn't?
Alucard: Remember Saren, the bitchface that wanted Shepard dead?
Rintoo: Yeah...
Alucard: Think of the leader of Millennium as Saren and the other members as his underlings.
Rintoo: Ah, okay.
Alucard: Also, they're vampire hunters.
Rintoo: THAT explains it...
Van Helsing: We received intel of an informant for Millennium in this city.
Rintoo: Ah, Melbourne. The only city name also used in Australia.
Edvine: True, Rintoo, but... why would there be an informant for a "secret" organization that wants Alucard dead right here in Melbourne? And why are you holing yourselves up in MY house?
Van Helsing: First, before using this metaphor, have you played any of the Dungeon Siege games?
Edvine: 4 of them actually; Dungeon Siege 2 is my favorite. Then the original, then the Throne of Agony PSP rendition, then Dungeon Siege 3.
Van Helsing: Ah. Then let me say this: Just like you find that piece of loot you need to make your ultimate armor set in the unlikeliest of places, we find informants to Millennium in the unlikeliest of cities.
Edvine: Sort of like a much bloodier version of Where's Waldo! (Hey, give me props for using a dated reference why don't ya?)
Van Helsing: Exactly.
Rintoo: So I assume we're gonna be vampire-sitting?
Van Helsing: Just until we find and kill the informant.
Rintoo: And how do you plan to do that?
Van Helsing: Bullets. In the brain.
Rintoo: Oh...kay.
*about 20 minutes later*
Seras: You fucking assholes.
Alucard: Don't look at me... the fucking TSA bans coffins as luggage.
Van Helsing: You know... we DID arrive at 2 in the morning... it's what, 3:30 now?
Rintoo: Just about.
Seras: The fuck are you?
Rintoo: Well, Alucard was right about your big tits. My name is Rintoo, and as you can see, I'm a tiger.
Seras: I'm a vampire police girl. Alucard's just a vampire... and an asshole. And Van Helsing? We don't want to know.
Rintoo: Doubtless you've heard of Millennium.
Seras: It's all I hear about all fucking day and all fucking night. Makes me wonder 2 things; A: Why isn't there a place where I can just tune the fuck out for a while, and B: When will I actually give a fuck about Millennium?
Edvine: And C: What the fuck are the 3 of you all still doing here?! Don't you have what would essentially amount to-- Wait... what the fuck is that in the sky?
Rintoo: Uh, Van Helsing? Get a good fucking look at those zeppelins.
Alucard: I motherfucking called it!
Van Helsing: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Rintoo: Holy titbombs! I think Jimmy Hoffa's ghost heard that!
Alucard: The hell are titbombs?
Rintoo: Don't know, don't care, won't fucking explain. We need to hide. NOW.
Edvine: I'm friends with this tiger, and I have to admit: He's right.
Seras: Or... This. *pulls sniper rifle out of her cleavage*
Alucard, Van Helsing, Rintoo: How did you do that?!
Seras: Fuck logic that's how. Find me a higher platform ASAP!
Edvine: I got a place. The treehouse behind my backyard! It may be someone else's but fuck property claims, this is more important! You'll have to get there fast or you'll miss your shot.
Van Helsing: For the record, my name's Integra, but that's only what my friends call me. Everyone else calls me Van Helsing or Sir Integra.
Rintoo: But you're a woman.
Van Helsing: I was knighted by the English King and Queen.
Rintoo: Ah, that explains it.
Alucard: Police girl, do you have the target?
Seras: For the 7,863rd time, my name is Seras!!! And yes, I have the target acquired.
Rintoo: Seras, give me the gun. I can do this.
Seras: Fuck off, furball. This target's mine.
Alucard: What about me--
Rintoo: Don't make me get the holy water.
Alucard: Did you just threaten me?
Rintoo: What happens when people threaten you?
Alucard: See this gun?
Rintoo: Yeah-- Whoa, whoa, don't even think about shooting me! I'm the star of my own show, and you just happen to be on this episode right now.
Alucard: Don't make me fucking try--
Seras: Will you two SHUT THE FUCK UP so I can shoot this goddamn zeppelin out of the sky? Or better yet... *loads sniper rifle with incendiary ammunition* let's recreate the fucking Hindenburg!
Rintoo: Take the shot!
Seras: Right!
Rintoo: Oh, NOW you agree with me!
Seras: I'm a fucking vampire!
Rintoo: I'm a tiger! So what?
Seras: What's the name of the village you came from?
Rintoo: That was never disclosed!
Seras: You fucking serious?
Rintoo: Yeah.
Seras: Shit, I thought that village had a name. Zeppelin in sight.
Rintoo: Then fire the bullet and let's see Hindenburg 2012!
Seras: You got it! *fires perfectly aimed incendiary sniper rifle bullet*
...
...
...
*FWOOOOOSH!!*
Rintoo: Oh fuck the hell yes!! Now THAT'S how you do fireworks!
Alucard: I'll say... let's assume the informant was on that zeppelin, and was ended up burned alive by that same zeppelin. Why the fuck else would it show up?
Rintoo: Sound logic, definitely.
Van Helsing: Let's go then. No need to stay any longer.
Seras: Here Rintoo. Keep this sniper rifle. I can always buy another.
Rintoo: Thanks Seras... I was wondering.
Seras: What?
Rintoo: I haven't... you know... done it with anyone yet, but I felt a special something when I first saw you. I think it's called... arousal?
Seras: You want to have sex with me, don't you?
Rintoo: Very much yes. Edvine, what say you? Will you allow me this one wish?
Seras: Edvine?
Rintoo: Essentially my landlord since I moved in with him.
Seras: Ah.
Edvine: Oh, what the hell? Make a woman out of that chick.
Rintoo: *hugs me with enough force to dislocate my shoulder* Seras, let's go to my bedroom. Edvine, you're signing off for the both of us.
Edvine: Well, let's see... My shoulder was dislocated, a zeppelin was rendered a heaping pile of soot, Rintoo's getting laid, and I just saw my first vampire that WASN'T sparkly. This show's going on break for a couple weeks, partially to get a new door to replace the one Alucard blew up, and partially because I need some better fucking material. For Rintoo, the Peeking Mice, including Tyler, Tolee, the Chinese Acrobats, and a world record for use of the word "fuck" in a single fanfic, this is Edvine, this was the 9th episode of Rintoo's Awesome Life, and I need to get this shoulder back in its regular position. See you after I find the nearest chiropractor.
Airdate: November 20th, 2012(11:00 PM, justifying the rating this episode will receive)
Sponsors: Same as usual.
Notes: None, although the whole vampire thing was ruined with Twilight. Count Dracula or nothing, assholes! Get it right!
Rintoo: Hey, you know what we haven't done in the past few races?
Edvine: Forza 3? I'm pretty much done with that game.
Rintoo: Say what?!
Edvine: I... gold-medaled... every fucking race... in every fucking event. There is nothing else to do.
Rintoo: All 220 events?! All 909 races?!
Edvine: Yep. I'm raced out. I'll find something else that we can do but for now, no more racing.
Rintoo: Aw... damn it. *knock on door* What the hell was that?
*door is straight-up broken*
Edvine: Hey! What the fuck?!
Rintoo: I put my name on that fucking door!
Van Helsing: Goddamn it Alucard! When I told you we were going to visit Florida, I didn't say you could cause wanton fucking destruction!
Alucard: Well then you should have told me I could bring the police girl with the big boobs!
Van Helsing: I only had two plane tickets, asshole!
Alucard: She'll know where to find us though... Fucking vampire sensitivity.
Rintoo: Who the fuck are you guys and why have you come here?
Van Helsing: Well, my name is Van Helsing, and this fucknut vampire I have in tow is named Alucard.
Alucard: FUCKNUT?!
Van Helsing: Just fucking behave in this house; we're guests.
Alucard: So...
Van Helsing: Just stay the fuck away from anyone else, stay out of natural light... Basically don't fucking leave the house.
Alucard: You guys have Netflix?
Edvine: Better: Amazon Instant Video.
Rintoo: What kind of shows do you like?
Alucard: As long as it isn't some dumb fucking reality show or cooking show, god forbid BOTH, I don't fucking care.
Edvine: You sure like using that word, "fuck".
Rintoo: It seems like you use it like I use the word "awesome"...
Alucard: Hey, how's this for a word? Fuckawesome.
Rintoo: Alucard, I think this could be the start of a rather gory friendship.
*about an hour later*
Tyler, who pretty much hasn't had a line all season: What smells like death?
Alucard: That would be me.
Tyler: AAAAHHHHH!!! What the fuck man?!
Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry; did I almost give you a heart attack?
Tyler: Uh... YEAH!
Alucard: I get that a lot...
Tyler: What do you think about the whole fucking 3D fad going on?
Alucard: It's a stupid fucking gimmick! They drive TV prices and movie ticket prices way the fuck up to justify this horseshit.
Tyler: And of course, the feeling of imminent nausea after watching one of those fucking things...
Alucard: Exactly. Fuck 3D.
Rintoo: Oh, Alucard, there you are! I see you've met one of my housemates, Tyler.
Tyler: We go way back...
Alucard: Apparently, Tyler here hates 3D as much, if not more, as I do.
Rintoo: You know how you kill all of those assholes you see?
Alucard: Yeah...
Rintoo: Do that to 3D. It deserves to die.
Tyler: And all of these video game companies going fucking digital these days? FUCK THAT. If I want to play Assassin's Creed III or some other blockbuster hit, I want that on fucking disc.
Rintoo: Alucard, why are you, that Van Helsing bitch--
Alucard: You think she's a bitch too?
Rintoo: Yeah. But why are you, Helsing and hopefully that police girl with those big tits you went on about here?
Alucard: Ever heard of Millennium?
Rintoo: What in titanium-plated, gold-bolted, treasure chest-shaped, horribly-unlocked fuck is that?
Alucard: Nice string of "Fuck modifiers" you got there. Well, you see... they want me dead. Actually legitimately dead. We don't know where they may be holed up in, but I have a hunch as to who the members are.
Rintoo: Oh really?
Alucard: Yes. Nazis.
Rintoo: What... in sweet merciful FUCKTEETH... do you think Hitler-era Germans have to do with wanting you dead?
Alucard: They... how should I put this... You ever seen Star Wars?
Rintoo: No, but Edvine has.
Alucard: Damn... You ever heard of Mass Effect?
Rintoo: Who hasn't?
Alucard: Remember Saren, the bitchface that wanted Shepard dead?
Rintoo: Yeah...
Alucard: Think of the leader of Millennium as Saren and the other members as his underlings.
Rintoo: Ah, okay.
Alucard: Also, they're vampire hunters.
Rintoo: THAT explains it...
Van Helsing: We received intel of an informant for Millennium in this city.
Rintoo: Ah, Melbourne. The only city name also used in Australia.
Edvine: True, Rintoo, but... why would there be an informant for a "secret" organization that wants Alucard dead right here in Melbourne? And why are you holing yourselves up in MY house?
Van Helsing: First, before using this metaphor, have you played any of the Dungeon Siege games?
Edvine: 4 of them actually; Dungeon Siege 2 is my favorite. Then the original, then the Throne of Agony PSP rendition, then Dungeon Siege 3.
Van Helsing: Ah. Then let me say this: Just like you find that piece of loot you need to make your ultimate armor set in the unlikeliest of places, we find informants to Millennium in the unlikeliest of cities.
Edvine: Sort of like a much bloodier version of Where's Waldo! (Hey, give me props for using a dated reference why don't ya?)
Van Helsing: Exactly.
Rintoo: So I assume we're gonna be vampire-sitting?
Van Helsing: Just until we find and kill the informant.
Rintoo: And how do you plan to do that?
Van Helsing: Bullets. In the brain.
Rintoo: Oh...kay.
*about 20 minutes later*
Seras: You fucking assholes.
Alucard: Don't look at me... the fucking TSA bans coffins as luggage.
Van Helsing: You know... we DID arrive at 2 in the morning... it's what, 3:30 now?
Rintoo: Just about.
Seras: The fuck are you?
Rintoo: Well, Alucard was right about your big tits. My name is Rintoo, and as you can see, I'm a tiger.
Seras: I'm a vampire police girl. Alucard's just a vampire... and an asshole. And Van Helsing? We don't want to know.
Rintoo: Doubtless you've heard of Millennium.
Seras: It's all I hear about all fucking day and all fucking night. Makes me wonder 2 things; A: Why isn't there a place where I can just tune the fuck out for a while, and B: When will I actually give a fuck about Millennium?
Edvine: And C: What the fuck are the 3 of you all still doing here?! Don't you have what would essentially amount to-- Wait... what the fuck is that in the sky?
Rintoo: Uh, Van Helsing? Get a good fucking look at those zeppelins.
Alucard: I motherfucking called it!
Van Helsing: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Rintoo: Holy titbombs! I think Jimmy Hoffa's ghost heard that!
Alucard: The hell are titbombs?
Rintoo: Don't know, don't care, won't fucking explain. We need to hide. NOW.
Edvine: I'm friends with this tiger, and I have to admit: He's right.
Seras: Or... This. *pulls sniper rifle out of her cleavage*
Alucard, Van Helsing, Rintoo: How did you do that?!
Seras: Fuck logic that's how. Find me a higher platform ASAP!
Edvine: I got a place. The treehouse behind my backyard! It may be someone else's but fuck property claims, this is more important! You'll have to get there fast or you'll miss your shot.
Van Helsing: For the record, my name's Integra, but that's only what my friends call me. Everyone else calls me Van Helsing or Sir Integra.
Rintoo: But you're a woman.
Van Helsing: I was knighted by the English King and Queen.
Rintoo: Ah, that explains it.
Alucard: Police girl, do you have the target?
Seras: For the 7,863rd time, my name is Seras!!! And yes, I have the target acquired.
Rintoo: Seras, give me the gun. I can do this.
Seras: Fuck off, furball. This target's mine.
Alucard: What about me--
Rintoo: Don't make me get the holy water.
Alucard: Did you just threaten me?
Rintoo: What happens when people threaten you?
Alucard: See this gun?
Rintoo: Yeah-- Whoa, whoa, don't even think about shooting me! I'm the star of my own show, and you just happen to be on this episode right now.
Alucard: Don't make me fucking try--
Seras: Will you two SHUT THE FUCK UP so I can shoot this goddamn zeppelin out of the sky? Or better yet... *loads sniper rifle with incendiary ammunition* let's recreate the fucking Hindenburg!
Rintoo: Take the shot!
Seras: Right!
Rintoo: Oh, NOW you agree with me!
Seras: I'm a fucking vampire!
Rintoo: I'm a tiger! So what?
Seras: What's the name of the village you came from?
Rintoo: That was never disclosed!
Seras: You fucking serious?
Rintoo: Yeah.
Seras: Shit, I thought that village had a name. Zeppelin in sight.
Rintoo: Then fire the bullet and let's see Hindenburg 2012!
Seras: You got it! *fires perfectly aimed incendiary sniper rifle bullet*
...
...
...
*FWOOOOOSH!!*
Rintoo: Oh fuck the hell yes!! Now THAT'S how you do fireworks!
Alucard: I'll say... let's assume the informant was on that zeppelin, and was ended up burned alive by that same zeppelin. Why the fuck else would it show up?
Rintoo: Sound logic, definitely.
Van Helsing: Let's go then. No need to stay any longer.
Seras: Here Rintoo. Keep this sniper rifle. I can always buy another.
Rintoo: Thanks Seras... I was wondering.
Seras: What?
Rintoo: I haven't... you know... done it with anyone yet, but I felt a special something when I first saw you. I think it's called... arousal?
Seras: You want to have sex with me, don't you?
Rintoo: Very much yes. Edvine, what say you? Will you allow me this one wish?
Seras: Edvine?
Rintoo: Essentially my landlord since I moved in with him.
Seras: Ah.
Edvine: Oh, what the hell? Make a woman out of that chick.
Rintoo: *hugs me with enough force to dislocate my shoulder* Seras, let's go to my bedroom. Edvine, you're signing off for the both of us.
Edvine: Well, let's see... My shoulder was dislocated, a zeppelin was rendered a heaping pile of soot, Rintoo's getting laid, and I just saw my first vampire that WASN'T sparkly. This show's going on break for a couple weeks, partially to get a new door to replace the one Alucard blew up, and partially because I need some better fucking material. For Rintoo, the Peeking Mice, including Tyler, Tolee, the Chinese Acrobats, and a world record for use of the word "fuck" in a single fanfic, this is Edvine, this was the 9th episode of Rintoo's Awesome Life, and I need to get this shoulder back in its regular position. See you after I find the nearest chiropractor.
Airdate: November 20th, 2012(11:00 PM, justifying the rating this episode will receive)
Sponsors: Same as usual.
Notes: None, although the whole vampire thing was ruined with Twilight. Count Dracula or nothing, assholes! Get it right!