Summary:Sasori felt his head dizzy.There was a Deidara in the doorway,a Deidara in his bed,beside him and another brat...and another...8 Deidaras? What the hell? SasoDei
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After spending the previous night drinking and getting smashed with Deidara(even Sasori had to admit,that was fun),Sasori woke up,naturally, with a hell of a hangover. Oh, that, and a sleeping Deidara attached to his chest. Wait ,what?
''D-Dei?'',Sasori grunted,reaching up to run a hand through his messy red hair. His Akatsuki cloak and shirt were missing,leaving him only in his pants,which were unbuttoned and halfway down his legs. The puppet master gave a 'WTF' look as he took in the bedroom that he and the bomber shared .The curtains were lying in a heap on the floor, the side-table kicked over and the lamp broken.
''Damn,'' Sasori muttered . "What the hell happened last night?" He sat up, groaning as his weight shifted onto his rear end. It felt sore.
Panic settled in. Holy shit.
''Brat!'',Sasori turned frantically to the blond, who had curled up on himself. He looked so cute.
''U-Un?'',Deidara's eyes fluttered open and his mouth stretched impossibly wide to yawn. Sleepy blue eyes focused on the redhead. ''Morning Sasori no Danna'',the ex Iwagakure nin sighed adorably, sitting up along with him. Sasori was in the middle of blushing-Deidara was naked-he noticed-when the blond decided he wanted a hug. Thin, wiry arms were wrapped around Sasori's torso as Deidara unabashedly hugged him tight-did Sasori mention he was naked?
''Dannaaaa,I made you breakfast,un!'',Deidara sang entering the door with a slight skip in his step. He smiled broadly.
Sasori blinked once or twice,rubbing his eyes tiredly. ''Breakfast?''he asked sleepily, before he noticed what was wrong . More like what in the world was happening here.
Deidara was standing in the doorway, holding a breakfast tray...and Deidara was sitting right beside him, hugging him to death(did he mention the brat was fucking naked? XD)
''What the-'',Sasori cursed,scrambling up to his feet and bringing Deidara with him. The blond frowned up at him,lazily trying to kiss him on the cheek.
''What's wrong,Danna?'',he cooed.
Bewildered, Sasori looked up at the doorway, where Deidara was standing, still holding a tray,looking down worriedly.''Sasori no Danna? Don't you want to eat the bacon I made for you,un?'',His lower lip trembled, his eyes watered.
Sasori was very confused with the whole situation. ''Who are you?'',he demanded at the Deidara in the doorway. The other...Deidara was still hugging him, nuzzling his cheek affectionately.
''I'm Deidara!'',the brat in the doorway said in a trembling voice.''What's wrong Saso,un? Don't you wanna eat my food?" Tears were now slipping down his cheeks. Oh brother.
''You're not Deidara!'',Sasori shouted from his place on the carpet,which was very weird since he hardly loses his temper.''This is Deidara'',He pointed to the male stuck to him like a leech.
''I'm Deidara,I'm Deidara,un!'',Deidara #2 yelled,dropping the tray on the floor. Bacon flew. ''Stop it,Danna,you're hurting my feelings!",he jumped up and down like a kid.
''I told you he wouldn't like it," came another voice. With wide eyes, Sasori watched as another Deidara appeared behind Deidara #2's shoulder.
Deidara #2 began to sob uncontrollably.''S-Shut up,Smartass,un!'',he shrieked, turning around and fleeing from the room, crying loudly.
Sasori was still lying on the floor, blinking and rubbing his eyes profusely.
This had to be a dream. Yes ,this was a dream. He was probably sleeping after god-knows-how-many bottles of beer and was just drunk as hell. That stupid brat,it was all his fault.
Deidara #3 smirked down at Sasori. ''Oh, for god's sake, get up, Affectionate," he said in an exasperated tone.
The Deidara who was hugging his Danna whimpered, looking up at Smartass. "But he's warm," he protested, tightening his hold around Sasori.
Smartass rolled his eyes.
Yet another Deidara came in the room. "Oh, just get up, Affectionate! And go comfort Emo before he gets out his razors,un'',he ordered.
Affectionate grumbled unhappily, getting up. Sasori's cheeks(even though he is a puppet doesn't mean he can't blush) went redder than his hair as Affectionate strode to the bathroom, still naked. "I'll be taking a shower, then,yeah" he declared, shutting the door to the bathroom.
''Is he okay,un?'',One more Deidara peeked out from under Smartass's arm.
Sasori began to question his own sanity. He must be going crazy.
"He's fine, Innocent... I think." One of the Deidara's leaned down to peer at Sasori's drooling face."Smartass will take care of him. Innocent, go make some more bacon."
Innocent blinked, nodding. "Okay,un!''.He disappeared down the hall.
Smartass sneered. "You can't boss me around, Bossy," he said.
Bossy smirked. "Think all you want, but you are all my bitches,yeah'',With a haughty raise of his chin, he spun on his heel and walked out of the room.
Smartass glared at him and glanced at Sasori.''Well, here you go," he said, pulling Sasori up.
"I'm dreaming right?",Sasori babbled as he was dragged to the living room. On their way past the closet, Sasori was ambushed by another Deidara. Crap,how many brats are there yet? ''Ah!'',the Akasuna cried,completely out of character as he was pinned to the floor. His neck was immediately showered with kisses trailing up to his cheek.
"Mmm, you're looking delicious today,Sasori no Danna'',Deidara murmured against his skin.
"Stop molesting him, Lust!" Bossy called from the kitchen.
"Yeah, I still have to talk to him," Smartass added, sounding annoyed.
Lust ran a hand down Sasori's thigh. "How about we take this somewhere private,un?'',he purred."Meet me in the closet in thirty minutes, yeah?" He pecked Sasori's lips before letting the redhead get up. Lust winked at him once before retreating into the bedroom.
Sasori swayed, feeling dizzy. Smartass steadied him. "God, you're all such pain in the asses! If we get interrupted again, I swear-"
BANG!
Innocent cried out, running forward and leaping into Sasori's arms. Sasori yelped,falling back down on the floor.
"Is there a robbery?" Innocent whispered, covering his eyes,scared for life.
''Katsu,dammit,I thought we told you to blow things up outside,not in the godamn house,un!'',Bossy shouted.
"You can't stop me,yeah!'',Katsu cackled. ''ART IS AN EXPLOSION,UN!''There was a loud commotion as he jumped over Sasori and Innocent, followed by an angry Bossy. Innocent whimpered, burying his face into the crook of Sasori's neck.
Back in the living room, Emo wailed, "He might as well blow me up,un! I don't deserve to live in this world! I'll always be Number 2!" More crying.
With a resigned sigh, Smartass helped Sasori and Innocent up."Sometimes, it's like taking care of children,yeah''He then added in a lower voice, "Children that look like you."
''Wait,''Sasori choked out."What are you saying? What's going on? Why are there seven clones of Deidara in my room?''
"Here, sit on the couch. Move your lazyass, Emo," Smartass said.
Emo wailed louder. "I knew it! I'm lazy! That's why Sasori no Danna doesn't like me,un! Waaaa!''The depressed blond ran away, allowing some space for Sasori to sit down. Innocent made himself comfortable in his lap, absently playing with his hair while Smartass explained.
"We're not exactly Deidara's clones,'' Smartass began. ''We're simply his different personalities who have taken form in a human body. Deidara's body to be specific."
"So I'm dreaming,",Sasori said,trying not to be bothered as Innocent leaned against his chest, sighed, and began to suck his thumb.
Smartass smiled. "More like hallucinating,un" he corrected. "Dreaming is a process that takes place when you're asleep. I recall that in the midst of your drunken state, you looked at Deidara and began to stare off into space."
Sasori grumbled in annoyance. Since when was the brat so smart? He even wondered how in Art's sake Deidara had such a personality in him. ''I know what dreaming is," he said. "Where's the real Deidara then?''
"Not here. If he was, then we wouldn't be here, because we would be back in his mind,yeah. Duh ''Smartass said, well, smartassedly.
Sasori narrowed his eyes."By 'we,' how many do you mean?"
Smartass replied, "Eight. There's me, Smartass," he pointed to himself, "Innocent." he pointed to the Deidara in Sasori's lap. Innocent paused to smile shyly at the redhead. "Lust and Emo." He pointed to the two in the kitchen.''Katsu,Affectionate, and Bossy,un'',He gestured in the direction of the bedroom.
To even think 'Katsu' was actually a personality. Funny,huh?
Sasori counted ''That's seven. Who's the eighth?"
Smartass winced. "Well, you see, um-"
"I know!" came a happy chirp of a voice. The eighth Deidara appeared with Affectionate clinging to his arm. "I spend so much time on my hair, yet people scarcely comment on it,un!''he exclaimed.
Affectionate nodded, cuddling up to his shoulder. "I think it looks pretty."
Deidara #8 giggled."Your hair doesn't look too bad, either,yeah!''he said, running a hand through Affectionate's hair. Affectionate purred in contentment.
"Who's he suppose to represent?",Sasori asked,curious for the answer.
Smartass chuckled nervously. Innocent leaned down to whisper in Sasori's ear."He's supposed to show Deidara's...gayness,un" he whispered conspirationally.
Sasori laughed despite the situation."Seriously?" he asked Innocent.
Innocent blinked. "Seriously," he said.
"So...what do you call him?",Sasori asked,awkwardly.
"They call me plain ol' Gay,",Deidara #8 said,appearing in front of Sasori."But, really, I prefer Meadow. Isn't it such a beautiful name?" He blew on his nails.
''D-Deidara?'',Sasori stammered,staring at Deidara #8's more-feminine face. He had make up on, with just the right amount so he looked nice.
"I'm Gay," Gay reminded. He glanced down, then wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Ugh, Emo got blood all over the carpet again,yeah!" he complained, stomping a high-heeled foot.
"I deserve to die!" Emo cried in the background.
"Oh, now I'll have to spend tomorrow morning trying to get the stain out." Gay sighed. "And I just got a manicure, too!"
Sasori tried ignore Affectionate, who'd joined Innocent in his lap. The two were fighting over who got to sit in the redhead's lap. Finally, Affectionate seemed to win, and Innocent looked down sadly, scooting away.
"Okay, we get it!" Smartass interrupted Gay's rant about how important it was to never to iron his hair again.
"Ooh, I remember now,un!" Gay squealed, magically retrieving a DVD from behind his back. "I rented Brokeback Mountain for the whole group to watch!"
Sasori paled.
"Sounds good,yeah!" Affectionate gushed.
Smartass raised an eyebrow. "Is it one of your gay movies again?" he asked boredly.
Gay smiled, blinking. "Of course not, Smartass,un" he answered.
"Okay, then, I'll get everyone." Smartass looked back behind the couch and hollered, "Bossy, get everyone in the living room, now!"
''Right!'',Bossy called back.''C'mon Katsu,give me that clay back,un!''
"No!"
BANG!
''Shit,un!You just shot the fucking roof! If it leaks when it rains, I'm killing you! Now get in the living room!"
Katsu walked in the room with an eerie smile on his face. His fingers twitched, obviously missing his clay, taken by the mean Bossy.
Bossy appeared for a brief second as he went to the kitchen. "Lust! Stop trying to talk Emo into bondage, it's weird 'cuz you'll be doing it to yourself,yeah!''
"Perhaps you want to try it then,hmm?''
"Hell no! Now get your asses in the living room!"
"I call sitting next to Saso-kun , though," Lust declared, appearing. He smiled seductively at Sasori , who blushed for the umpteenth time and looked away. Stupid brat.
Emo appeared with Bossy, murmuring, "At least he doesn't think I have a lazy ass,un''He glared pointedly at Smartass.
Once everyone was settled down in the rather large couch,poor Sasori felt squished. Katsu was sitting farthest to the left beside Bossy, trying to convince Bossy to give him his clay back. Next to Bossy was Gay, who chattered loudly about shopping while Affectionate listened intently. Beside Affectionate was Lust, smiling suggestively at Sasori , as he knew what this movie was about. On the opposite side of Sasori was Innocent, who was tucked under the puppet master's arm. Finally, Smartass was at the farthest to the right.
"It's starting, everyone shut up!" Gay yelled once the movie began.
All talking hushed as nine pairs of eyes were drawn to the screen-well, technically eight as Sasori glanced down to see Lust's hand placed too innocently on his knee. The hand began to creep up his thigh, slowly rubbing. The Sunagakure missing nin nudged Lust a little, trying to get him to stop. Lust just grinned, turning to him and leaning in to capture his lips in a heated kiss. Sasori made a noise of protest, making Gay "SHH!" loudly. Lust didn't stop, merely pulling away to settle back as his hand molested Sasori's below-the-waist.
Innocent had noticed, looking up at Sasori,with wide, curious eyes. Sasori shook his head , and Innocent shrugged, resuming sucking his thumb and resting against his Danna's side.
Sasori managed to survive Lust's touches throughout the whole movie. They were the hardest to endure at the part where the two cowboys in the movie got...hot and heavy. Sasori almost yelled out a thank you to above when the movie finally finished.
"That"-hiccup-"was"-sob-"so"-whimper-"sad,un!''Emo wailed as the credits rolled. The depressed Deidara jumped out and ran to the bathroom.
''Well,un,I'm going to stop him before it becomes a bloody mess and ruins the bathroom, too," Gay announced, getting up and sashaying after the other.
"I'm going to attempt to fix that roof now," Bossy said, getting up and leaving also.
"Wait! Please give me my clay back! I'll be good,yeah!'',Katsu begged,following.
"Should have broken the DVD in half the moment I saw Gay pull it out," Smartass muttered, shaking his head. He stood, carrying a dozing Innocent bridal-style. "I'll be tucking him in,un''Smartass said, starting down the hall.
As each of Deidara's personality left, Sasori silently begged them to take Lust with them. At least Affectionate was still here.
''Scat,un!''Lust hissed at Affectionate, making the other blond jump up and run out.
Sasori gulped. Oh ,dear God. It was just him and Lust now, all alone... Shit.
"Well, that was an interesting movie, don't you think?" Lust said in a low tone, straddling Sasori's hips.
Sasori's eyes went wide as saucers and his cheeks flamed up. "S-sure," he muttered, eyeing the gun tucked in the back of Lust's leather pants. Damn,he even had a gun.
Lust grinned deviously. "How about we make up for earlier,un?''he suggested. "The closet's pretty roomy..." Then a hand was at Sasori's crotch and Sasori screamed,like a real OC.
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''Danna! Calm down,you stupid puppet!''someone giggled.
Sasori blearily opened his eyes,half-expecting Affectionate. He looked at Deidara,confused."Why are you groping me,brat?'',he said in a hoarse whisper.
"Silly, it was the only way to snap you out of your little daydream,hmm!'',Deidara hiccuped.
Sasori slowly sat up.''Is that you, Affectionate?" he asked cautiously.
Deidara gave him a pout.''No,it's just Deidara''A peck on the cheek. "How about we down the last bottle of beer,un?''The blonde gestured to the last remaining bottle.
Sasori spaced out again for a while. So ,he had been hallucinating. Well, that was good.
''Danna!'',Deidara whined.''Are you goin' off to," a hiccup, "lalaland again? Do you want me to grope you again,un?''He smiled mischievously.
Shaking his head,Sasori grinned drunkenly."Nah, I'm back. Now let's split that last bottle, eh?" He fumbled for the green glass bottle, downing nearly half of it. Deidara drank the rest,, looking pretty hammered.
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Sasori was drunk,yet again,but tonight for a completely different reason. He and Deidara had gotten into a fight,as always. It hadn't been exactly the verbal kind of fight, more like whose 'Art' was better and as a result,Deidara had a black eye and stormed out of the Akatsuki hideout with a bloody nose. Sasori was too,a little exhausted,though.
After two hours of the blond still missing, Sasori had become bored and started rifling through their refrigerator. There were only two more bottles of beer. The redhead shrugged, swiping them and retreating to the bedroom. He'd been hesitant about drinking since that last...incident but he was curious if it would happen again. So an hour more later, Sasori was lying on the bed with his head hanging off the edge, the two bottles of beer standing empty on the bedside table.
It wasn't long before Sasori found a very interesting spot on the wall to look at. He stared off into space for a full minute until he felt someone hitting his leg. He groaned,sitting up.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing upside down?",Deidara asked,blowing on his nails.
''D-Deidara?'',Sasori grunted,rubbing his forehead.
"No, you're just having another hallucination,un'',Not-Deidara said.
''You guys again?'',Sasori said exasperatedly.
Gay rolled his eyes. "As if you hadn't gotten drunk just to see us again,yeah''he said, smiling knowingly.
"So where are the others?",Sasori was getting a little used to them.
"Bossy took Lust and Emo with him for groceries. We locked Katsu up in a closet after he blowed up the TV and we had to replace it. So it's only me, Affectionate, Smartass, and Innocent present." Gay smirked.
''Oh...''
''Uno!''Bossy said triumphantly, raising his single card into the air, proudly showing off his red four. "I win!" It was thirty minutes after Sasori had met them again and the three sides of Deidara had come home.
"You don't win until you put down the last card,"Smartass said, rolling his eyes. "But thanks for showing us your card anyway,hmm''
"I never win," Emo said sadly, putting his chin down. Affectionate patted his back.
"At least you're doing better than Sasori no Danna''he snickered at the redhead.
Pouting,Sasori said,"I only have seventeen cards! That's not so bad!" It was his turn, so he put down a card on the middle pile.
"I don't know how to play this game," Innocent said, putting down a yellow six on top of Sasori's blue three.
"That's an invalid move,un''Lust said. "Here, why don't you show me your cards and I can help you?"
"Cheater!" Gay yelled, slamming his fist down the table. "Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!"
"It's not nice to cheat,yeah" Innocent decided to put in.
Bossy slapped his last card down. "There! Why don't we just say that I win and start a new game?"
"No,un!" Five voices chorused. Immediately, all eight(except Innocent) began arguing loudly.
"You win every time! It's not fair,yeah!''
"Life's not fair Emo, so why don't you go back to cutting yourself!"
"Hey! Don't encourage his suicidal tendencies or else I'll cut off your genitals,hmm!"
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Stop laughing, Lust, I'm serious,un!''
BANG!
''Art is a blast,hmm!''someone cackled from the supply closet, followed by two explosions.
Everyone froze.
"Shit, who gave him the fucking clay?''Bossy demanded.
"I'm sorry,un''Innocent peeped, burrowing himself into Sasori's side.''He promised not to blow anything up''
Gay sighed. "Innocent! You know that you should never trust Katsu!''
Innocent's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry!" he repeated, burying his face into Sasori's chest.
Sasori,unsure of what to do, patted his back comfortingly.
"Well, somebody's got to get in there and get the clay from him,un'',Smartass said.
"As much as I would like my life to end," Emo said dramatically, "I don't find being shot to death very pleasant,yeah''
"I'm too pretty," Gay scoffed.
"Hey, we can send Affectionate in!" Lust suggested. "He can give Katsu hug or some shit like that to distract him, then take the clay,un''
They began arguing again while Katsu went on laughing maniacally,blowing more shit up.
In the midst of all the chaos, Innocent looked up at Sasori and suddenly the shy, timid Deidara slapped him.
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''Wha?'',Sasori was jolted back to reality,his head snapping forward slightly, connecting his lips with someone else's.
After a few seconds, Deidara pulled away, smirking. "So, does this mean you forgive me Danna,un?''
Sasori took a moment to get his bearings. He was back in his bedroom. "Smartass?" he asked Deidara.
Deidara looked at him worriedly. "That's the second time you've done that now." He felt Sasori's forehead.''What's wrong with you Sasori no Danna?"Listen, I found some fliers for an available therapist at half price. If you want, I can call the number and you can talk-"
''Shut up,brat!'',Sasori shouted,sitting groaned, rubbing his head with one hand and inspecting his other. No,he wasn't going crazy,no way.
''Aw,okay then,un. Let's go to the bedroom,Danna,yeah?'',Deidara smiled,looking at his lover.
Sasori nodded,feeling dizzy.''Y-Yeah brat''
On the way to the bedroom,Sasori swore he saw Innocent waving shyly at him from the kitchen, and Lust peeking out from the closet to give him a wink.
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Haha,this was actually fun to write! Poor Sasori no Danna,he thinks he's getting insane XD
I personally like all Dei's personalities but especially Innocent(aww,he's so adorable!),Lust(fucking pervert,un!),Gay(so funny lmao) and Smartass.
