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Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.
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Zack: You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school, once you graduate you don't have to come back.
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Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.
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Slater: What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.
Zack: Slater, face it. It's over.
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Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.
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Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.
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Kelly: You sound like you're on 'Thirtysomething.'
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Lisa: Yeah, 'I have all these problems and there's no-one ever there for me. I talk and talk and talk but no-one ever listens.'
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Slater: Wow, Lisa, I just saw you on US Gladiators. Wow, you beat up everybody, including the audience.
Lisa: Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.
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Jessie: If any of you sweeties dares bid on my Slater I'll hunt you down in the street like a rabid dog.
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Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.
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Lisa: Girl, if I were Leslie I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.
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Kelly: Who are you?
Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.
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Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope your dad had "dork" insurance.
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Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope.
Screech: Who're you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?
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Screech: Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?
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Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Sure...”Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen."
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Mr. Belding: Class, this is my brother... Rod Belding.
Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.
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Screech: [to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember...
[makes quack sounds]
Screech: .
[to Zack]
Screech: I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Zack: And you're screwy.
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Screech: Zack, something terrible has just happened.
Zack: You found out "Alf" was a puppet?
Screech: He is?
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Jessie: Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.
Slater: Sure, you cook & I'll eat.
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[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.
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Mr. Belding: Zack, just because you always park your car in that same spot, does not mean it's official.
Zack: Then make it official, just like my seat in detention.
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Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink oink, baby.
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Mr. Belding: Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.
Zack: Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.
Mr. Belding: Kelly Kapowski?
Zack: Yes.
Mr. Belding: Excuse me for a minute.
[turns head to laugh]
Mr. Belding: [still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?
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Mr. Belding: [while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.
Zack: [Observes Belding's sweater] So you're gonna be "Mr. Rogers"?
Mr. Belding: You're in the neighborhood.
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Slater: You are a very strange person.
Screech: [flattered] Well, thanks for noticing.
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[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]
Jessie: You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?
Slater: Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.
[whispers in Zack's ear, disappointed]
Slater: Next time, bring ME.
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Zack: Mr. Belding... quick, you gotta help me. My life is being threatened by one of your students.
Mr. Belding: Just one? You're losing your touch.
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[Jessie & Slater are at war with each other]
Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - -I mean, Slater...
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Screech: Forget going to the prom. We're through.
Lisa: Wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me. I'M supposed to dump YOU.
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Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.
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Slater: What's the matter, Dad?
Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. See ya, A.C.
Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.
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Becky Belding: Why don't you get me ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
Screech: Ah, that's my favorite combination too.
Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe you're pregnant.
Screech: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lisa. I'm not even married.
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Mr. Belding: Go to class, learn something.
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Screech: Hey, ya know what, Slater? With this microscope, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rain Forest.
Slater: If you don't get that thing out of my face, I'm gonna have the Natives come out and eat you.
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[the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before they decide to sing]
Screech: You hooligans. You demolished my song.
Lisa: No we didn't, Screech. It still says "Bayside".
Slater: Yeah, and we even left the words you put in: "it", "and", "the", "Bayside".
Screech: Oh... well in that case, it's ok then.
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Zack: Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.
Lisa: Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.
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Kelly: Jessie let's go to the lost and found.
Jessie: Why?
Kelly: Because you've lost it.
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Zack: Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.
Slater: Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.
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Jessie: Do you realize we haven't argued for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.
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Mr. Belding: Zack, I am not a matador so take the bull outside
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[Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]
Zack: I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.
Screech: That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.
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Mr. Dewey: I don't believe it and I don't care. I'm tired, I have a toothache, and I have to go home and pump iron.
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Jessie: I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, I'm so... scared!
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Kelly: [talking about Slater's dancing] Wow Slater that was hot!
Zack: Ha ha. Are you kidding? I moved better last summer when a bee flew in my shorts.
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Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.
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Louise: Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?
Lisa: Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.
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Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for oat bran.
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Lisa: What's wrong Kelly?
Kelly: Men, especially Zack Morris.
Slater: Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.
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Zack: This week is our Geometry midterm. Hey, I'm not worried, I always sit next to smart nerds.
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Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.
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Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.
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Mr. Dewey: [telling grades for a quiz] Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.
Jessie: C, C?
Mr Dewey: Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.
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Kelly: [after Jessie storms off in a fit, a group of students are looking at her] She's my friend... but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.
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[repeated line]
Screech: [to Zack ] Hello, buuuuuuuddy!
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[taping of "Don't Do Drugs" commercial]
Kelly: Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous
Screech: Stinks.
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Slater: [Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.
Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry!
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Screech: [Kelly has just stormed away from Zack] I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.
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Lisa: Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?
Screech: You always said I wasn't a member.
Lisa: I'll sneak you in.
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Kelly: I had a wonderful time, Zack. That movie really got to me.
Zack: You're the only one who cried when Ernest went to jail.
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Screech: Kelly! I know he asked you to go with him. Is the answer yes?
Kelly: Well, you can't tell Zack, but
[shakes head yes]
Screech: Oh, my! What a moment! What a thrill! First the Berlin Wall comes down, then the Brady Bunch comes back, and now Zack and Kelly are going steady!
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Kelly: [Kelly is talking about choosing between Zack and Slater] Guys, this is hard. It's like choosing between two great pieces of chocolate.
Zack: Sorry Kelly, from now on, you can only get zits from one of us.
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Mr. Belding: [Mr. Belding just signed a detention slip for Zack] So, this makes nine, and 10 is...
Zack: Don't say it, sir.
Mr. Belding: That's right, suspension! It's gonna happen, Morris.
Zack: Not until cows give Pepsi, sir.
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Kelly: Why aren't you at the prom?
Zack: Oh, is that tonight? Gosh, I must have forgotten?
Kelly: There must have been 100 girls who would love to go with you.
Zack: Actually 106.
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Zack: Kelly dumped me.
Slater: Is that what you think?
Zack: Yeah, I mean every time I call, her mother says she's washing her hair. I mean who washes their hair six times a day?
Slater: You do.
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Jessie: [Jessie and Slater are looking for music for the prom] I can't believe you like these tapes.
Slater: Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?
Jessie: Their music doesn't say anything.
Slater: Did you ever see them move? They're saying plenty, baby.
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Mr. Belding: Now Zack, I know that you and Lisa are in charge of decorations, but this year's theme is not going to be
[holds up a banner]
Mr. Belding: "Zack and Kelly's Prom".
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Kelly: Is something wrong?
Mr. Frank Kapowski: Afraid so. World peace broke out.
Kelly: That's good isn't it?
Mr. Frank Kapowski: For the world, yes, but not if you work at a defense plant.
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Screech: Will you go to the prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I'll go.
Screech: You will!
Lisa: I'll go with you when worms have ears.
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Kelly: [Kelly is talking about choosing between Zack and Slater] Kelly: Guys, this is hard. It's like choosing between two great pieces of chocolate.
Zack: Sorry Kelly, from now on, you can only get zits from one of us.
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Kelly: [Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.
Kelly: Gee Thanks.
Jessie: These are nice.
Lisa: I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.
Screech: Did you make one for me?
Lisa: For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.
Screech: I'm speechless.
Lisa: That's the idea.
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Mr. Belding: I am fed up with your wisecracks. I'm giving you a month's worth of Saturday detention.
Zack: Four Saturdays?
Mr. Belding: Uh-uh, 30 Saturdays.
Zack: 30 Saturdays? Sir, can we negotiate? Hey I'll wash your car.
Mr. Belding: The last time you washed my car, you flooded the inside.
Zack: Car pool, sir.
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Alan Fairbanks: Why should I join the cadet corp?
Zack: Because the new Army serves cake at every meal.
Alan Fairbanks: Slice me in!
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Zack: [Talking about bringing back the school's old radio station with Mr. Belding] Sir, we'd like to put KKTY back on the air.
Mr. Belding: What?
Screech: [slowly] We... would... like... to
Mr. Belding: I heard you!
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Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sport's broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
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Zack: [Screech brings Zack to the school old radio station in the basement of the school] Hey, Screech, I thought I knew every hiding place in this school. How did you find it?
Screech: Oh, a bully dumped me down the garbage chute. Someday I'm gonna get even with that girl.
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Screech: You girls are lucky; wait 'til you see me in a wet t-shirt.
Lisa: Only if it involves you drowning.
