Hm, okay, so, we're all familiar with Operation: Cheer up Mef, arn't we?

If not, go read Dib's and Nny's articles; Operation: Cheer up Mef & Operation: Cheer up Mef- THE SECOND.

Personally, I want to thank these two the most. Dib, it was YOUR idea for this whole 'Operation,' and Nny, you were the most contributous- TWO GIFTART PICTURES!? AND AN ARTICLE?! Damnit, you must care about me a LOT. I'll promise not to explode your head.

That's not to say I'm not also extreamly greatful also to the following;
SierraDawn9.
InvaderRaven.
Zenzes.
IntrepidKeris.
BlackRoseLove.
Catgirl140.
PhoenixRoyale.

All of you guys either commented on Dib or Nny's articles, and said something I either appreciated, or liked hearing. If you didn't do that, then I put you there by accident. (xD)

A lot of people have been asking me 'What's wrong?' and I appreciate the care. My response has usually been 'Life's being shit again,' or something along those lines.

The reason? I didn't really want to say anything about what's really happening in the life of Mephisto N.

Because of all the support I've got from the amazing people here, I've decided to swallow my goddamned pride and actually say what's been troubling me.

BEFORE I do that, however, I hasten to add this; I hate sympathy letters. Send me sympathy letters and I'll send you hatemail. So, not after sympathy, I'm after actual ADVICE.

O ja, en Nny? Jy het aan my gegee pretty damn goeie raad. Ek kan nie genoeg dankie sê vir wat. Ek is na ander mense se mening is hy ook al is, okay? ;)

Back to English now, so more than one person knows what I'm saying and it isn't mindless gobbledegook. (Is that even a word?)

By 'shit' I'm refering, not to any particular aspect of my life, but life in general.

Just today I got my test results back from a Doctor's appointment- I've been fainting, see? I have low blood pressure, and that's one of the reasons I've been having these spells. Further causes are unknown- I'm quite concerned, I don't want to faint and not wake up again.

On the topic of bodily functions other than removing people's vital organs, I've been hallucinating much more freqently. Grinning maggot-slugs, about 6 foot, are crawling all over my walls as I type this. I'm using all of my self-control to focus on the screen and not scream, and start beating the revolting things with my baseball bat.

Said hallucinations are also starting to have a major influence on how paint- Images desribing my Schizophrenia better than one could put in words. Swirls of dark red and black, depicting mutilated bones and ice-cold beings, lost in seas of their own creation.

It seems everything I do- The way I talk, the way I move, the way I paint and draw and write- has taken on this dark hue. Saturated in my own shit.

Forgive me for sounding so melodramatic... 8/ It sounds like overdramatic prose, I know, I hate it as much as you do.

My hypnophobia is getting worse, too- I'm 3 days without sleep and I feel like my eyes are going to burn right out of my skull.

The reasons for said hypnophobia, is unknown to me as of yet. Sure, I've been having nightmares, but they don't trouble me all that much.

Drowning. I'm always drowning, or suffocating. The rest of the dream is irrelevant, but it's always freezing cold, I can always feel ice growing over me, penetrating me through the bones and leeching into every fibre of my being... I'm deathly scared of water.

I've looked this up in my 'Nightmares; How to make sense of your darkest dreams,' book. Apparently, I'm under much stress, drowning in all the crap that's been going on.

That crap, it's everywhere. Seems to be flowing out of all the bastard's in my lifes pores, suffocating each other and me in particular.

I haven't eaten in 4 days. My ribs keep jabbing into my stomach and it's quite unpleasant. I'm borderline anorexic, apparently. I can't get away with wearing close-fitting shirts anymore, or else people get concerned...

Annie, my foster-mother, is being a REAL bitch. She hates what I draw, what I paint, what I read, and wat I write, because it's not 'happy.' Urgh. It's almost as if she can't quite grasp it's how I'm feeling...

Constant talk of moving to Emerald. That's FAR away from where I live now- It'd mean I'd never be able to see Robert (foster-dad) and I'd be stuck on a flower farm, going to some posh School that I don't wanna go to. It means, all my friends... Gone. Just like that. I can't let that happen...

Not that even bothering to try and stay in Croydon is that appealing either. There's so many assholes in my class- Keegan, Chyanne and Rob for starters- and I often daydream about ripping their lungs out, and possibly fracturing some bones whilst I do so.

There are very few people that understand me, in my life. One of the reasons why I've been cutting myself- No, I'm not emo, it's my shoulder I cut. No main veins there. I'm not trying to kill myself, I just want a breather, and self-inflicted pain is bliss.

Have you ever felt like nothing around you is real, or solid? As if you're floating, nothing is important but ending the misery your life has condemned you to?

A lot of people come to me for advice, and I try and give it best I can. Who do I turn to, though? ... No-one listens to me, I'm the quiet little freak sitting at the back desk.

I can honestly say that most of the people in my life, I hate.

I just want out of all this.

It's shit.

I never asked for it.

...

Ah, shit... There's one of those death-maggots crawling across my screen... Tsk...

...

Having said all that... The people here have always been supportive of my interests, what I like, and people understand me here, as nerdy as that sounds.

Sure, some of you disagree with my rather pessimistic view. I think that's great, though! It gives me something to think about, other than this crap!

For this, what you've all done to help me, or support me... I thank you all again. You mean a lot to me. I cannot express my gratitude enough.