After Patrick left, I had a restless night. I couldn’t sleep feeling that I’m a prisoner in those four walls in my room. I couldn’t sit quietly all night, nor slept for a brief moment. After all, Patrick’s visit was quite unexpected, and I wasn’t ready to see him that day. Also what was weird about his visit, that during all these two weeks he didn’t pay, not even a brief visit, to Robert’s house.
Wandering around my room with my pajama on, didn’t help me to sleep, nor comforted my restless mind. As I didn’t see him during these two weeks, I thought that those feelings I had towards him were gone, and his sudden appearance proved me wrong as a storm of love and passion, was inside me at the moment I saw him standing beside Robert, recalling the moment I saw him in his house with his charming smile and irresistible attraction.
I couldn’t stay calm that night, feeling the room is getting smaller and I’m a helpless prisoner. I decided to go to Robert’s room and wake him up to take me somewhere out since it was one A.M. I went downstairs towards his room. I got into his room when I saw the door nearly opened.
“Hey, Robert” I whispered as I stepped closer to his bed, and he was turned to the other side, I gazed at him and he was sleeping so peacefully that I woke him up feeling slightly guilty. “Are you asleep Robert”
“Yes” He answered with low ton barley understood
“If you were asleep you wouldn’t answer” I said wickedly
“What do you want, Karen?” He sounded annoyed and didn’t turn around.
“I can’t sleep take me outside”
“Waite until tomorrow I’ll take you to Ema’s party” He said impatiently
“I don’t want to go to Ema’s boring party! I want to leave now!”
“You aren’t going to let me sleep unless I take you outside”
“No” I said wickedly
He turned around and said “You are like a stubborn wicked, little sister” Then he got up and said “Go get dressed I’ll take you outside or you’ll go wandering around in the streets and get caught and I’ll lose my job!”
“Yes” I whispered happily
As we got out, I thought he was going to take me somewhere by his car, but he didn’t. He took me round the house we walked through a small street and then he settled in a place like a jungle that I felt myself out of the U.S for a second. It was a dark place full of trees and boshes. “Where are we?”I asked
“We are in a park. It’s not as big as you think it is. If you walk a little bit forward you’ll find children’s games there.” He said pointing forward “I used to meet Meredith here sometimes, it’s a nice place, you fee lout of the world for an hour or so”
“It’s really nice, but it’s cold here”
“You should’ve brought some warm tea” He said with a delightful smile
“Yeah, yeah, yeah mock me!” I said rather playfully than annoyed
“This will be the only place you come besides Ema’s house of course. But be careful only with me and in the middle of the night.” Then he remembered his warm bed and my annoying interruption to his peaceful sleep and said “And I hope you don’t like coming here very much, or I won’t be able to sleep!”
“I’ll do my best”
We sat for a while on the wet grass and Robert seemed more asleep than awake. But he had to say something so he doesn’t end up sleeping like a homeless person, in a park.
“Do you feel better now” He said calmly
“Yes I hate staying indoors for a long time”
He smiled a bit and said “Yes it appears that you don’t like indoors since you are quite comfortable with being a fugitive”
“I don’t like the fact that I’m a fugitive anymore than you do” I said dryly looking downwards as the conversation I expected it to happen, is happening
“But it wasn’t me who made you a fugitive, was I?” He said with a judgmental look in his eyes
“You are going to judge me too! Just like everyone else!”
“Karen” He said and his face was awake more than a few minutes before “I waited for you to tell me what did you do, but all I got from you was avoiding the conversation or leaving the room, but I really do have the right to know!”
“I killed my husband, are you happy now?” I said that and rose on my feet “Yes I’m dangerous I know what you are thinking you now. I killed a man who is taller and stronger than you with cold blood. And I can walk into your room whenever I want and kill you guiltlessly”
I walked through the park to find myself near to the children games he’s talked about, and a fluid of tears in my eyes for an unknown reason.
“Karen” He said and followed me running to catch me and stand in front of me in a second “I didn’t mean to hurt you I didn’t know that it causes you pain to talk about it, I know I’m a fool. Sorry, please forgive me”
“It’s you who should forgive me. I should’ve told you and I had no right in exploding this way in your face.”
“I confess that you scared a bit when you said you can walk into my room someday and kill me guiltlessly. But no Karen you are a good person I’m sure you had your reasons and I don’t believe that you killed him with cold blood.”
“Yes you are right it wasn’t with cold blood”
“Let’s go back. I have to pick up Ellen early to school”
I followed him back unaware of what he just said, as I was sinking in my thoughts about the fact that I killed my husband with cold blood. No I thought, the truth came out of my mouth, I did kill him with cold blood! Maybe I wasn’t calm when I pushed the knife into his chest but now I have no feeling of guilt! I must be a terrible person! I suddenly stopped from moving as I just realized how cruel and heartless I was. Robert turned worriedly and said
“Are you ok?”
I pulled myself together and said “Yes I’m ok”
We went back to the house without a word. I felt like there’s something wrong and I determinate to tell Patrick about why I killed him as soon as I see him “I don’t want him to hate me” I whispered as I laid on my bed “I have to deviance myself and prove him that the man wasn’t a good man” then I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning at seven A.M. “It’s early” I said then got out of the room walked towards the bathroom. As I brushed my teeth I saw the after-shave cream opened. Again Robert I thought then closed it nervously remembering that unlikeable habit that my husband had, except that he used to leave his shaving cream opened. I heard someone’s footsteps in the kitchen. I got out of the bathroom and walked to the kitchen where I saw Robert making coffee “Oh Robert! You are awake!” I said astonished
“Yes, I have to pick up Ellen to school, I told you last night!” He said without looking at me while he was preparing his mug.
“Oh, yes, sorry I forgot”
“Never mind, what are you doing so early?” He said and then poured coffee for him and for me then moved forward and gave me the mug. I looked at it for a second then remembered that Robert said that Ema nearly fired him, why would he go there unless Ema comes and yell at him?!
“You said you lost your job yesterday!”
“Yes I did, I was a fool! Never mind that incident. Mr. Widmore was here yesterday about that, he said that Ema was upset when she had to drive herself to all her appointments and for having to take Ellen to school and take her back home on the expense of canceling one of her appointments”
He sat down on the big couch and I sat near the window as usual then I smiled with mockery and said “I told you so!”
He smiled and said “Yes play this game! After all it turns out that you are right, Mr. Widmore said that she didn’t care but she was upset because it surprised her and that Meredith didn’t tell her while she trusted her so much. So that look wasn’t for me” I smiled again and he said trying to avoid my mockery “I really should go, take care” Then he stood and went to his job, leaving me all alone again.
Two hours passed and I knew Robert wasn’t coming early. All I did was sitting beside that window which became my best friends. Knowing all my secrets and keeping them. What should I do? Ema said her cousin is too much in love with Paris that she doesn’t expect him to come back before another two weeks. All I can do is wait she said as if it was easy for me to wait.
The door suddenly knocked. I was frightened, no one ever visited Robert , not that time when all his friends know he is out, and if it some one of his friends, they have no idea I’m here. I walked slowly forward to the front door, and looked through the magical eye of the door, to see Patrick is the one who is outside. I put my hand on the handle then hesitated for a moment, what if he wants to see Robert and is quite uncomfortable when he see me, I thought, but he knows that Robert probably wouldn’t be here, and I can’t just let him wait forever. I pulled myself together and opened the door.
“Hi” I said with a shaky voice
“Hi” He answered calmly with his face almost without any emotions
“Come on in, Robert isn’t home, I think you know that” He got in and sat down without a word. My hands were shaking and I sat way too far from him. Then I tried to say lightly
“Do you want some coffee or juice or whatever?”
“No, I didn’t come to drink anything” He said calmly “Set down I want to talk to you” He demanded. I sat in front of him again near to the window, while he sat in the same place Robert used to set. When I saw him calm, I started to calm too.
“So…” I said “What is it?
“I want to know why? Why you killed him” He said without looking at me and keeping the same ton level
“Before I tell you why, I need to know why you want to know so badly. What difference does it make I killed the man and that is it” All the determination I had the night before faded away when I saw, and was afraid of telling him anything.
“Ok I’ll tell you why. Because I like you” Then his calm voice became more angry like he couldn’t control his feelings any more “And I need to know that you are a good person and the man deserves to die. I need you to tell me that he was about to kill you or he used to beat you, until blood comes out of your ears! Because I can’t stand the idea of you being a bad person.
Because the Karen I knew was the most honorable person I’ve met.” He rose to his feet and walked nervously through the living room. He stopped in front of me then sat on the wooden table in front of me and said with his calm ton “Now it’s your turn”
I couldn’t find my voice first, and then I was trying to pick the words carefully, I said nervously “He …. He wasn’t an honorable man.”
“That’s why you killed him!” His face was pointed to the floor that I couldn’t read his expressions but from his voice which was very calm and cool
“No, of course not! I knew from day one that he was cheating on me, that he wasn’t faithful. But I could keep myself calm \, even when he yelled at me, and when he used to beat me when he comes back in the middle of the night drunk. But I wasn’t complaining. Maybe because I was too much in love with him, or because he saved my life that I felt I owed him something, or because I felt so lonely before we got married.” Then tears started to come out of my eyes “But I couldn’t stand the pain when I went once from work and saw him setting in our house, with my best friend in his arms, planning to run away. He didn’t notice me since I got into the house from the backdoor, and my friend left a few seconds after my arrival. I was in the kitchen, and he followed me, he said cruelly, mocking from my feelings, you heard everything; good I don’t have to explain anything. I started to lose control, he lost his job because he used to go too damn drunk that he can’t do anything. So I said it’s fine I’ll find a job, working day and night just to let him eat and drink. So, I took the knife and pushed it into his chest, yelling I hate you. you arrogant, selfish, bestirred. And then, I realized what I did, and left his soulless body in the kitchen and ran away.”The tears were like a rain out of my eyes. I didn’t see Patrick’s reaction as he stood and moved to the couch, then he walked to the front door, wanted to get out, but he stopped beside it and said “Maybe he wasn’t an honorable man, but it isn’t you who should punish him, it’s not your right, you could’ve left and then live in peace. But jealousy blinded you. Karen, I hope you feel guilty, because no matter what he did to you, you have no right for punishing him”
Although his face looked very angry his ton was calm. He left, leaving me thinking of what he said. I’m not a good person then, because I don’t feel guilt, but I should be feeling guilty, indeed I should.