Hi guys!!!! :D See? I told you I would be back! Now please tell me someone will be reading it xD It costs me ages of effort, no kidding, Phew those two are twisted :P Hope you like it, that it will make you smile and laugh at times or cry. As you wish. I don't mind if you spill some tears ;)
A previously is very much needed. From where? Alright...the whole Help Me kissing scene it is then if you insist :P
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Previously on Dec/Dec:
Lisa’s face changed one more time. Like it had done one thousands time before since he knew her. Cuddy and her. They were two people and yet the same one at times, ‘cause there was just something about one another that kept shifting over the other half no matter how hard she tried not to.
He had been witnessing it.
He had been loving it.
He had been loving both of them.
It happened to her just as it happened to him.
And maybe she was right, perhaps actors really ended up relating to their characters like the twin brother they shared heart and soul with but they had ever had when doing the same job for so long. And possibly over the years he had even changed and he had turned into House than he would have ever believed it possible. And perhaps even House was slowly undergoing some changes now, had been to somehow and was becoming more like him then he wished he would ever allow him to; laying his very soul out there…out bare.
So her face changed.
But her features didn’t harden this time. Just like Cuddy’s on the contrary her eyes softened, and she seemed to be waiting just for him to take the final step, as if she was willing to leave it him; however he decided to play this one. As if, one more time, she was willing to play into his hands and by his rules. However he decided to go through it this time.
Her eyes started to close as he bent down over her, a sweet smile creeping on her lips almost in anticipation. And he liked to believe that was sweetness for him too.
As he kissed her this time, though, he felt no haste; no flame wearing out too quickly inside him leaving him no time to enjoy it for real.
This time was different. And yet so much better, somehow; so much more intense.
He slowly leaned in to her and there was no haste in his actions, but a quiet, craving desire for her; a need to feel her closer, to vanish inside that kiss, hide himself behind it and at the same find his way back home though it. Lisa followed his league, her tongue dancing with his, kissing him unhurriedly and languorously just like he was asking her to. Caressing him, as if she knew that, despite of how much incapable they both were to be any different from the way they always had been - just so contagious for each other that they couldn’t hold themselves back anymore when some lines got crossed - despite of how much fun he had with her, how much he loved his playmate, more than everything, she also knew how much he still needed to feel it, to be reassured about it and for her to let it drift over him right now: how special they were, how much they would always be, no matter the arrangements, no matter what.
No matter what life would bring them….
He allowed himself to savor every second of that kiss. Taste it to the last bit.
Saying goodbye felt like torture.
“…how do I know I’m not hallucinating… ”
Lisa let a second pass “Did you take the vicodin?”
He stared down to his hand, “Nope…” he said smacking his lips.
She tipping her head to one side, “Then I think we are ok…” and then she casted him one of the most radiant smile he had ever seen on her face.
And once again he liked to believe that very smile was also for him. The smile of someone who had already chosen.
Billions of flashes from their past overlaid before his eyes, tasting like the movements of a sonata. Like they were just meant to go through it all over again.
And maybe it would be different, or perhaps they would just repeat the very same mistakes, or possibly they would hurt each other with new ones. They might conquer it all after all. Or rather more likely end up ruining everything.
No one knew.
But they would do it together. And they would have a try at it. Have the courage to.
“Yeah…” he whispered.
The last notes sounded wonderfully melancholic to him. A true swan song.
And maybe it was just House and Cuddy and the way this scene had been written, but he was would make himself sure their lifetime together, however short or long it was meant to be, wouldn’t be a silent song he hadn’t been the courage to play.
His hand reached down instinctively to hold hers. To secure it inside his one more time.
They twined fingers.
David and Katie traded a look at that. It wasn’t scripted. They hadn’t thought about it. But they would use it. It made it just perfect.
“Ok, let’s do it again. Camera C. Just another take. One last time…” Greg shouted, having one last glance at the monitor as they pull apart “…and David would you mind taking a close up to that thing they do with their hands with the B as someone holds the C please?”
Hugh and Lisa stared to one another.
It was 4.30 am.
She would take off by ten.
Would she?
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Lisa rushed inside, pushing the door shut behind her. She lay backwards on it for a while then, all of a sudden finding herself gasping lightly for air lightly; just looking around.
Her heart thud fast under her ribs, now. Too loud.
She had the feeling to have her throat dry, her lips oddly parched.
It was very dim inside - everything looking so peaceful in comparison - darkness feeling so thick and impenetrable; and yet it all looked and felt every much weirdly still, at the same time. Motionless. Like time might not be washing over her so quickly, if only she would keep hiding in there.
It was still night and everything was very silent, the whole building still laying peacefully asleep. Just for a little longer. As long as dawn would not break inside.
She breathed in deeply, wondering whether that throbbing in her ears would ever muffle, enough to let her think straight at least.
She stood there then, her lower lip tucked in, her eyes swimming blindly into darkness. Until she felt a sharp pang in her chest and she realized she was holding her breath, feeling unease, disquiet, fretting: she hadn’t been planning on it to be brought like that. Not even for a second she had seen that coming. And she certainly hadn’t planned on it to get dropped on them so...
Well just out-of-the-blue she guessed.
She couldn’t quite make sense of this feeling of foreboding suddenly clutching at her from inside, actually, so maybe she didn’t know.
She just knew she couldn’t stop her mind from keeping on brooding over. And that it wasn’t making the throbbing going any better.
She glanced up, at some point, to the clock. It told five point thirty.
Not even that she knew the reason of, but it caused her heart to leap. Just like that and out of nowhere.
However what did she know as she flitted under the steamy hot water jet was that that shudder she felt running down her spine wasn’t due to the cold; that was exactly the upshot she got for having wanted to brush off her mind the thought of it, till the very last moment.
It had simply been....
Agony.
There was no other way to put it but this.
It had simply been agony and it had been impossibly hard to do it. And no matter what people said about some post-nearly-hook-up-scenarios to be nothing more than just overrated-cliched-post-nearly-hook-up-scenarios[i] which one could hardly find believable in real life, his had been one of them.
And they were wrong. So unbelievably wrong about it, their wrongness went for echoes.
It was an overrated cliche, alright, that a man would be put on a hard strain - no pun intended - after having been smooching like that, getting interrupted and cut and adjusted so many times to be driven insane - ‘cause well, you know, men are gonna be what men are gonna be - but it was damn straight true.
Just that. It was true and no matter how hard he tried to deny it, it just had been an agony: standing aside and keeping himself at a fair distance had been one of the most mental-stressful, strength-consuming and will-challenging experience he had EVER suffer. And one might even have argued it was a pretty shameful lucky life he had been leading.
True of course.
But then again, as he always said, context was everything, and THAT had been his context.
He, Lisa, his [i]post-traumatic-making-out-disorder, the way she had kept smiling at him....
...and a room full of a bunch of people he would have gladly do without.
He had been pulling out all the stops really. All the time, reminding himself to bear in mind he must control his glances; watch his words; restrain himself; do not smile too much; do not laugh too loud; do not whisper down to her getting too close; do not touch her, especially do not touch her. EVER.
Just cool down.
Keep your mind from drifting.
Get a grip.
He had won his battle after all, he must be proud of it.
But it had TRULY, REALLY, SERIOUSLY, YOU-HAVE-NO-FUCKING-IDEA-HOW-MUCH wiped him out. Just drained him.
And on top of that, he had never stopped wondering what the others might be thinking in the meanwhile - what they might be sensing - whether someone might find something to be oddly off between them.
In too much of a good way.
The guys offered him another round. He put out a hand, stopping Greg from waiting him, this time, passing up.
It had been the longest quarter of an hour so far, time feeling like washing over him, minute by minute. He observed the others as they slowly poured their glasses, getting ready to another toast, wondering what they would say indeed.
What would they say about it? What would his friends would say if they happened to find out that the truth was things were just...what they were between them. What-they-were as in at a standstill.
In a complete gridlock.
A mess.
Never been more stuck.
Oh yeah. He was stuck on for sure: just the way she looked like having a glow of her own to him...
He rubbed one hand over the back of his neck.
It was a good thing this dead of the night celebrating mood had been so unwilling to dwindle, after all.
All things considered.
It was a very good thing.
‘Cause then he had had just enough time to keep thinking. Basically changing his mind once per minute, alright, one moment believing he could leave things being what they were - just living on, the only important thing to be those wide, simpering eyes to never stop teasing him and yada yada - and then the following one coming back down to earth getting wise enough to face that they would never go anywhere, never knew whether they could be those proverbial ones chosen to beat the odds - or even just failing miserably at it - unless...
Unless...
But how fair would it be to lay any claim of any sort?
That was a question he still was looking for an answer to.
So it had been a good thing this dead of the night celebrating mood had been so unwilling to dwindle.
‘Cause then he wasn’t so sure he would have found a new way to hold himself back if they happen to be alone. All alone and favorably locked up inside an empty room.
He just wanted it to start off differently this time. So much. So badly he wanted that.
So it had been a good thing, after all.
All considered.
He nodded to himself, his lower lip tucked in. The party all around him went on.
Lisa threw her head backwards, wrapping her hair up over hear head. Water dripped from the loosened ends, rolling down her neck.
She was cold. Too cold for having just finished a twenty minutes long trancelike hot shower. Until she felt a cool drizzle on her face and it dawned on her that maybe cold might work out definitely better than hot.
She closed her eyes, letting it fall. The cold mingled with it; with the fever she felt like been running inside, cooling her brain at last.
Her heart felt like being gradually sorting itself out.
- Well, I did my time, guys. Gotta get cracking. it’s getting early....- she had joked, her voice cracking somehow, nervously on that last word. She didn't know why - [/i] or...anyway dreadfully late for some of you I assume....I’ll have a shower....[/i]
She had carefully weighted each of her words, she believed; longly pondered on the phrasing and mulled over the content for she had no idea how much of an endless time before settling her mind.
Yeah. Right.
But a shower?! Another one?! How many times was she supposed to take one per hour? Twice?
However no one had seemed to have noticed. Katie hadn't seemed to remember.
Unless they had not been giving a blind eye to it of course.
Hugh had looked straight into her eyes by the way; straight on from across the room. He had been standing by the fireplace for a while now, keeping his distance, nonchalantly sipping from his glass.
She had let a little yawn escape her mouth, while sliding herself off the table; perhaps slightly overdoing it a bit but then from the way his dark-blues eyes had lingered seriously upon her then she hadn’t given a damn if she had. It wasn’t sleep they look like craving. And neither did her.
- Hey you! Hold on a second!! I DEMAND one damn hug here, don't you dare sneaking out like that!! Who the hell knows when you are to show up again!! Months might pass.... - Katie had suddenly met her halfway, squeezing her tight - your plane takes off this morning right?”
She couldn’t even have had the time to register the way her heart had bucked in her chest that she had found herself glancing in his direction.
He had done nothing, though. He had done nothing, not moved or even just flinched but just watched her.
As she told them all goodbye....
...but that just because he honestly didn’t know how they might work it out, so what for? What for making it harder on both of them?
But then again, how he could ever urge himself to not hold up on her too tight while he wanted to be assured, somehow, he would not end up losing her again if he didn’t? And what did this John guy ultimately meant to her, anyway? Was she was ready to call it quits from night to day? And for what, anyway...so what for, really?
But it had been the hardest thing ever he swore. The hardest thing ever just standing by and still, forced to look on, as she slipped away.
He straightened up a bit on his chair, rubbing his nape again, one of his arms keeping on dangling off the back, staring blankly into space.
He was starting to believe there were no right answers to his questions, really.
Just questions.
And then answers.
Answers that might go either way.
But one thing he knew by now. He knew that he’d rather doubt he would ever find any of them tonight. Any of his answers.
It would have meant to gamble too much.
Too soon.
And he just wasn’t ready for that.
So as it turned out, as a matter of fact, there was a decision he had taken after all, even if he was still brooding over it: he couldn’t go there. For her and for himself and for one thousands different millions reasons he still had bouncing about in his head, confusedly, but which were real. Very much real.
However, he was sitting tight. Literally I mean, because for the time being, this night seem to have no intention to get over any time soon. No one looked like been on any rush to call if off yet.
He wasn’t either. He shouldn’t have been. But then he was sitting tight, very very tight - astray on his chair, arms dangling off the back while putting up a tense crooked smile whenever someone spoke to him.
But for the most part glancing repeatedly down at his watch, unable to not feel the time washing over him.
He ached to be off. Literally. He ached to.
It was back pounding fit now, aching against her ribs almost.
Lisa’s heart.
It was back pounding fit now, as she wiped her hair out of her face with a terry, rubbing hard.
She remembered Hugh had kept not ripping his eyes away, though, not even for a second, looking on as she said goodbye to each one of the, one by one, telling them to take care, smiling tensely, feeling like she might be fumbling again with her words at times, while all the time wondering whether he was thinking she had wanted to leave because....when as a matter of fact what she was thinking about was...but then it wasn’t even that clear to her herself...
Until she had slowly, and rather numbly as far as she could remember, walked up to him at last, stopped as much close as possible, looked up to lock eyes with him and - after a moment which had felt to last for a tiny forever - got on her tiptoes, brushing on his cheek with a gentle kiss.
She had tried to get him to feel everything with that kiss.
All she hadn’t even had a chance to tell him yet, all she wished she could feel free enough to confess him, all she had been avoiding to think about, just because...
...just because he couldn’t find the courage to get wise enough to admit to himself that it was possibly really so much better and just so much righter, if he let her go for now.
Let her go.
Shut his face.
Bottle up.
He nodded to himself, chewing his lips.
- Yeah.
Just let her go.
- Yes...
Let her fly to England.
- Yeah...
Let her go and give her some time to sort things out with that what-fucking-his-name-is.
- You have some stuff to sort out yourself...
He had some stuff to sort out too himself.
- Right... good point.
It was.
- Yeah....
Let her leave and go ancient-Scottish-castles-touring with that I-hope-your-next-prodution-will-be-an epic-failure-John-something. [/i]
- Yeah...
Just let her figure it out by herself...
He felt his stomach lurch inside him.
- Sure...
It was for the best.
- Right....
It was safer like this.
- Yeah...
So much righter.
- Sure...
So much better.
Right....yeah...
And then he could spend the next upcoming months silently eating his heart over who she might be whiling away her time with....
- Sounds like a plan, sure....
He sprang himself up, pushing the chair away.
“I think I’ll be going....” he said.
He couldn’t do it. He just had to see her. Now. One last time. He had at least to see her. He would not hold her tight with any commitment, he promised. Just see her. Just that.
The guys didn’t even seem to lend an ear to what he said. An awkward silence followed
They had all basically dozed onto the couches several shots away actually. Greg had been snorting loudly for an hour already, even before Lisa left, but apart from that he had barely noticed silence had fallen around him.
Dave and Katie were the only ones it seemed to be still bravely holding on.
Well, David actually was holding on. Katie was more like drifting off he guessed. It was hard to tell.
She was humming quietly, when he looked at her, head resting onto Dave’s shoulder, low-murmuring some indistinguishable old nursery rhythm to herself, it seemed, eyes closed, lips curled into an weird, cheery grin.
He suspected she was a little tipsy, actually.
“You going home?” David asked, staring up at him down from the couch.
Innocent question. Pretty predictable one.
He stiffened, though “Yeah I...I mean I...yes, well first I...” he scratched the side of his head “...I just need, you know” his heart suddenly spinning “ I need to get this clothes off you know...have a shower, take a nap...take my....take my time....you know...and then...yes and then...yeah I might be going home, I guess...”
David had kept on staring up at him a blank expression on his face.
He rubbed the corner of his eye, “...stick around...I don’t know...I am just tired that’s all....” he slurred at last
David batted his eye-lids.
“Alright good! Good for you!!!” he exclaimed.
Katie’s lips seemed to twitched at the corners. Her eyes were shut closed though.
Hugh made face, frowning.
“Just go rest....” David pressed on.
Hugh let the thought of Katie and her strange dreaming life drift off over him.
He nodded, instead. Back focusing. The word blinking him back into wakefulness.
- Rest
Yes.
- Maybe later
Now he was busy...
“Yes, I will...” he said.
He went to hustle. There was not that much time left.
He might just have enough to take...
“I’ll see you later?”
He pulled up, whirling round, “What?”
David pattered calmly with his palm onto the arm of the couch, watching intently down to his feet “I said...you’ll be around later?”
Hugh made another face, frowning. What?! He realized he was holding his breath.
“Yes sure...see you later....”
David nodded, pensively “Good...”
He went to hurtle once more.
“You’re not gonna disappear on me or something again, will you?”
He clenched his fists, swerving suddenly once more.
He pressed his lips hard against each other, turning patiently “Nope, I won’t. Promise...”
David nodded, always not looking at him “Alright...”
He went to turn, when thought better asking again. Just in case, hands thrust deep into his pockets “You need something Dave? Anything I can do for you?”
He found himself praying God and all the Saints he knew the existence of he didn’t.
It was a rather poor list.
David shook his head, lifting up his hand “No, no...” he held his temple with two finger “Go...”
He heaved a sigh of relief. Then dared to start thinking of showing himself out again.
“Turn your phone on!!” David shouted after him.
“What the fuck David!!! Alright, goddamnit, I’ll keep myself available, can go now?!!!”
The words ripped out of his mouth before he knew it. The words, and the tone and the fuck and the goddamnit and he could do nothing to take them back.
He was screwed.
David turned his head backwards a bit in fact, staring at him. He batted his eyelids again, “Yes sure....see you in a while” he said, still calmly, like he had never lashed out or just imagined he had.
He wondered whether he should be wondering how was that even possible. Then he decided he’d better not to.
Not now at least.
And he was shooting himself out right next.
Katie opened one of her eyes, slightly, peering up at David.
She chocked a giggle; grinned a huge grin up at him.
“I knew you weren’t sleeping....” he grinned back down to her, turning ahead, slightly.
“Sleeping?!?!” she asked, as if the word must be offending “God grief, there’s nothing about sleep which could get me missing what’s brewing around here...”
David had to smile some more “You think they’ll sort things out? I mean, that they will manage to...talk it out? For real?”
“What do you mean?”
He frowned, shaking his head a bit “I don’t know...they have been looking pretty strange to me since we finished....I don’t know” he stretched his jaw. His beard was a tangle “it’s like they were both sort of...different from earlier on set to me...to each other I mean....I don’t know....don’t you think?”
Katie pouted lightly, raising her eyes up to him “I think they are the most twisted couple of persons I have ever met, that’s what I think....”
David coughed a laugh, “Yeah....that’s for sure....”
They stood quite for a while.
“Anyway for what it’s worth” she said, lifting up her head an inch from his shoulder “I’m advocating the they’ll keep making out their way out of it option?” she quipped, smiling mockingly up into his eyes.
David pressed his lips into a tight grin “You naughty girl...”
She laughed, making herself closer. She slid one arm under his hugging him “I’m just perceptive, that’s my gift...”
David sprawled himself some lower onto the couch. He smiled again “We are gonna see sparks I believe...”
“That’s way I wanna stay around....night’s not over yet”
He abandoned his head backwards “I’m just so tired...damn sleepy...and I have to stay up to be sure those two idiots know what they are doing...”
Katie plunged her cheek back into his shoulder “When’s the meeting?”
He closed his eyes, tiredly “Tomorrow at noon....well today actually....”
She pondered, “Are you gonna told them?”
“You know” he started sarcastic “I can’t casually omit my two leading actors - one of whom is incidentally still legally married - the same one who have been accidentally been spotted making out in the parking lot by the chief...”
Katie lifted up her head suddenly “They have been caught?!”
“The hell yeah they WILL get caught one day, if they kept on like this...unless...”
She brought one hand to her chest “God you gave me a heart attack....”
“They will Kate and none would be around to cover their ass...” he said turning to her suddenly looking all worked-up and “...it’s just a matter of time. So better take the bull by the horns and come out straight about this thing, don’t you think?!”
Katie watched seriously into his eyes. Then she smiled.
David arched a brow, suspiciously “What you’re smiling for?”
She reached out, holding one of cheek into her hand. Then kissed him lightly on the other one “You really are adorably thoughtful at times...”
A previously is very much needed. From where? Alright...the whole Help Me kissing scene it is then if you insist :P
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Previously on Dec/Dec:
Lisa’s face changed one more time. Like it had done one thousands time before since he knew her. Cuddy and her. They were two people and yet the same one at times, ‘cause there was just something about one another that kept shifting over the other half no matter how hard she tried not to.
He had been witnessing it.
He had been loving it.
He had been loving both of them.
It happened to her just as it happened to him.
And maybe she was right, perhaps actors really ended up relating to their characters like the twin brother they shared heart and soul with but they had ever had when doing the same job for so long. And possibly over the years he had even changed and he had turned into House than he would have ever believed it possible. And perhaps even House was slowly undergoing some changes now, had been to somehow and was becoming more like him then he wished he would ever allow him to; laying his very soul out there…out bare.
So her face changed.
But her features didn’t harden this time. Just like Cuddy’s on the contrary her eyes softened, and she seemed to be waiting just for him to take the final step, as if she was willing to leave it him; however he decided to play this one. As if, one more time, she was willing to play into his hands and by his rules. However he decided to go through it this time.
Her eyes started to close as he bent down over her, a sweet smile creeping on her lips almost in anticipation. And he liked to believe that was sweetness for him too.
As he kissed her this time, though, he felt no haste; no flame wearing out too quickly inside him leaving him no time to enjoy it for real.
This time was different. And yet so much better, somehow; so much more intense.
He slowly leaned in to her and there was no haste in his actions, but a quiet, craving desire for her; a need to feel her closer, to vanish inside that kiss, hide himself behind it and at the same find his way back home though it. Lisa followed his league, her tongue dancing with his, kissing him unhurriedly and languorously just like he was asking her to. Caressing him, as if she knew that, despite of how much incapable they both were to be any different from the way they always had been - just so contagious for each other that they couldn’t hold themselves back anymore when some lines got crossed - despite of how much fun he had with her, how much he loved his playmate, more than everything, she also knew how much he still needed to feel it, to be reassured about it and for her to let it drift over him right now: how special they were, how much they would always be, no matter the arrangements, no matter what.
No matter what life would bring them….
He allowed himself to savor every second of that kiss. Taste it to the last bit.
Saying goodbye felt like torture.
“…how do I know I’m not hallucinating… ”
Lisa let a second pass “Did you take the vicodin?”
He stared down to his hand, “Nope…” he said smacking his lips.
She tipping her head to one side, “Then I think we are ok…” and then she casted him one of the most radiant smile he had ever seen on her face.
And once again he liked to believe that very smile was also for him. The smile of someone who had already chosen.
Billions of flashes from their past overlaid before his eyes, tasting like the movements of a sonata. Like they were just meant to go through it all over again.
And maybe it would be different, or perhaps they would just repeat the very same mistakes, or possibly they would hurt each other with new ones. They might conquer it all after all. Or rather more likely end up ruining everything.
No one knew.
But they would do it together. And they would have a try at it. Have the courage to.
“Yeah…” he whispered.
The last notes sounded wonderfully melancholic to him. A true swan song.
And maybe it was just House and Cuddy and the way this scene had been written, but he was would make himself sure their lifetime together, however short or long it was meant to be, wouldn’t be a silent song he hadn’t been the courage to play.
His hand reached down instinctively to hold hers. To secure it inside his one more time.
They twined fingers.
David and Katie traded a look at that. It wasn’t scripted. They hadn’t thought about it. But they would use it. It made it just perfect.
“Ok, let’s do it again. Camera C. Just another take. One last time…” Greg shouted, having one last glance at the monitor as they pull apart “…and David would you mind taking a close up to that thing they do with their hands with the B as someone holds the C please?”
Hugh and Lisa stared to one another.
It was 4.30 am.
She would take off by ten.
Would she?
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Lisa rushed inside, pushing the door shut behind her. She lay backwards on it for a while then, all of a sudden finding herself gasping lightly for air lightly; just looking around.
Her heart thud fast under her ribs, now. Too loud.
She had the feeling to have her throat dry, her lips oddly parched.
It was very dim inside - everything looking so peaceful in comparison - darkness feeling so thick and impenetrable; and yet it all looked and felt every much weirdly still, at the same time. Motionless. Like time might not be washing over her so quickly, if only she would keep hiding in there.
It was still night and everything was very silent, the whole building still laying peacefully asleep. Just for a little longer. As long as dawn would not break inside.
She breathed in deeply, wondering whether that throbbing in her ears would ever muffle, enough to let her think straight at least.
She stood there then, her lower lip tucked in, her eyes swimming blindly into darkness. Until she felt a sharp pang in her chest and she realized she was holding her breath, feeling unease, disquiet, fretting: she hadn’t been planning on it to be brought like that. Not even for a second she had seen that coming. And she certainly hadn’t planned on it to get dropped on them so...
Well just out-of-the-blue she guessed.
She couldn’t quite make sense of this feeling of foreboding suddenly clutching at her from inside, actually, so maybe she didn’t know.
She just knew she couldn’t stop her mind from keeping on brooding over. And that it wasn’t making the throbbing going any better.
She glanced up, at some point, to the clock. It told five point thirty.
Not even that she knew the reason of, but it caused her heart to leap. Just like that and out of nowhere.
However what did she know as she flitted under the steamy hot water jet was that that shudder she felt running down her spine wasn’t due to the cold; that was exactly the upshot she got for having wanted to brush off her mind the thought of it, till the very last moment.
It had simply been....
Agony.
There was no other way to put it but this.
It had simply been agony and it had been impossibly hard to do it. And no matter what people said about some post-nearly-hook-up-scenarios to be nothing more than just overrated-cliched-post-nearly-hook-up-scenarios[i] which one could hardly find believable in real life, his had been one of them.
And they were wrong. So unbelievably wrong about it, their wrongness went for echoes.
It was an overrated cliche, alright, that a man would be put on a hard strain - no pun intended - after having been smooching like that, getting interrupted and cut and adjusted so many times to be driven insane - ‘cause well, you know, men are gonna be what men are gonna be - but it was damn straight true.
Just that. It was true and no matter how hard he tried to deny it, it just had been an agony: standing aside and keeping himself at a fair distance had been one of the most mental-stressful, strength-consuming and will-challenging experience he had EVER suffer. And one might even have argued it was a pretty shameful lucky life he had been leading.
True of course.
But then again, as he always said, context was everything, and THAT had been his context.
He, Lisa, his [i]post-traumatic-making-out-disorder, the way she had kept smiling at him....
...and a room full of a bunch of people he would have gladly do without.
He had been pulling out all the stops really. All the time, reminding himself to bear in mind he must control his glances; watch his words; restrain himself; do not smile too much; do not laugh too loud; do not whisper down to her getting too close; do not touch her, especially do not touch her. EVER.
Just cool down.
Keep your mind from drifting.
Get a grip.
He had won his battle after all, he must be proud of it.
But it had TRULY, REALLY, SERIOUSLY, YOU-HAVE-NO-FUCKING-IDEA-HOW-MUCH wiped him out. Just drained him.
And on top of that, he had never stopped wondering what the others might be thinking in the meanwhile - what they might be sensing - whether someone might find something to be oddly off between them.
In too much of a good way.
The guys offered him another round. He put out a hand, stopping Greg from waiting him, this time, passing up.
It had been the longest quarter of an hour so far, time feeling like washing over him, minute by minute. He observed the others as they slowly poured their glasses, getting ready to another toast, wondering what they would say indeed.
What would they say about it? What would his friends would say if they happened to find out that the truth was things were just...what they were between them. What-they-were as in at a standstill.
In a complete gridlock.
A mess.
Never been more stuck.
Oh yeah. He was stuck on for sure: just the way she looked like having a glow of her own to him...
He rubbed one hand over the back of his neck.
It was a good thing this dead of the night celebrating mood had been so unwilling to dwindle, after all.
All things considered.
It was a very good thing.
‘Cause then he had had just enough time to keep thinking. Basically changing his mind once per minute, alright, one moment believing he could leave things being what they were - just living on, the only important thing to be those wide, simpering eyes to never stop teasing him and yada yada - and then the following one coming back down to earth getting wise enough to face that they would never go anywhere, never knew whether they could be those proverbial ones chosen to beat the odds - or even just failing miserably at it - unless...
Unless...
But how fair would it be to lay any claim of any sort?
That was a question he still was looking for an answer to.
So it had been a good thing this dead of the night celebrating mood had been so unwilling to dwindle.
‘Cause then he wasn’t so sure he would have found a new way to hold himself back if they happen to be alone. All alone and favorably locked up inside an empty room.
He just wanted it to start off differently this time. So much. So badly he wanted that.
So it had been a good thing, after all.
All considered.
He nodded to himself, his lower lip tucked in. The party all around him went on.
Lisa threw her head backwards, wrapping her hair up over hear head. Water dripped from the loosened ends, rolling down her neck.
She was cold. Too cold for having just finished a twenty minutes long trancelike hot shower. Until she felt a cool drizzle on her face and it dawned on her that maybe cold might work out definitely better than hot.
She closed her eyes, letting it fall. The cold mingled with it; with the fever she felt like been running inside, cooling her brain at last.
Her heart felt like being gradually sorting itself out.
- Well, I did my time, guys. Gotta get cracking. it’s getting early....- she had joked, her voice cracking somehow, nervously on that last word. She didn't know why - [/i] or...anyway dreadfully late for some of you I assume....I’ll have a shower....[/i]
She had carefully weighted each of her words, she believed; longly pondered on the phrasing and mulled over the content for she had no idea how much of an endless time before settling her mind.
Yeah. Right.
But a shower?! Another one?! How many times was she supposed to take one per hour? Twice?
However no one had seemed to have noticed. Katie hadn't seemed to remember.
Unless they had not been giving a blind eye to it of course.
Hugh had looked straight into her eyes by the way; straight on from across the room. He had been standing by the fireplace for a while now, keeping his distance, nonchalantly sipping from his glass.
She had let a little yawn escape her mouth, while sliding herself off the table; perhaps slightly overdoing it a bit but then from the way his dark-blues eyes had lingered seriously upon her then she hadn’t given a damn if she had. It wasn’t sleep they look like craving. And neither did her.
- Hey you! Hold on a second!! I DEMAND one damn hug here, don't you dare sneaking out like that!! Who the hell knows when you are to show up again!! Months might pass.... - Katie had suddenly met her halfway, squeezing her tight - your plane takes off this morning right?”
She couldn’t even have had the time to register the way her heart had bucked in her chest that she had found herself glancing in his direction.
He had done nothing, though. He had done nothing, not moved or even just flinched but just watched her.
As she told them all goodbye....
...but that just because he honestly didn’t know how they might work it out, so what for? What for making it harder on both of them?
But then again, how he could ever urge himself to not hold up on her too tight while he wanted to be assured, somehow, he would not end up losing her again if he didn’t? And what did this John guy ultimately meant to her, anyway? Was she was ready to call it quits from night to day? And for what, anyway...so what for, really?
But it had been the hardest thing ever he swore. The hardest thing ever just standing by and still, forced to look on, as she slipped away.
He straightened up a bit on his chair, rubbing his nape again, one of his arms keeping on dangling off the back, staring blankly into space.
He was starting to believe there were no right answers to his questions, really.
Just questions.
And then answers.
Answers that might go either way.
But one thing he knew by now. He knew that he’d rather doubt he would ever find any of them tonight. Any of his answers.
It would have meant to gamble too much.
Too soon.
And he just wasn’t ready for that.
So as it turned out, as a matter of fact, there was a decision he had taken after all, even if he was still brooding over it: he couldn’t go there. For her and for himself and for one thousands different millions reasons he still had bouncing about in his head, confusedly, but which were real. Very much real.
However, he was sitting tight. Literally I mean, because for the time being, this night seem to have no intention to get over any time soon. No one looked like been on any rush to call if off yet.
He wasn’t either. He shouldn’t have been. But then he was sitting tight, very very tight - astray on his chair, arms dangling off the back while putting up a tense crooked smile whenever someone spoke to him.
But for the most part glancing repeatedly down at his watch, unable to not feel the time washing over him.
He ached to be off. Literally. He ached to.
It was back pounding fit now, aching against her ribs almost.
Lisa’s heart.
It was back pounding fit now, as she wiped her hair out of her face with a terry, rubbing hard.
She remembered Hugh had kept not ripping his eyes away, though, not even for a second, looking on as she said goodbye to each one of the, one by one, telling them to take care, smiling tensely, feeling like she might be fumbling again with her words at times, while all the time wondering whether he was thinking she had wanted to leave because....when as a matter of fact what she was thinking about was...but then it wasn’t even that clear to her herself...
Until she had slowly, and rather numbly as far as she could remember, walked up to him at last, stopped as much close as possible, looked up to lock eyes with him and - after a moment which had felt to last for a tiny forever - got on her tiptoes, brushing on his cheek with a gentle kiss.
She had tried to get him to feel everything with that kiss.
All she hadn’t even had a chance to tell him yet, all she wished she could feel free enough to confess him, all she had been avoiding to think about, just because...
...just because he couldn’t find the courage to get wise enough to admit to himself that it was possibly really so much better and just so much righter, if he let her go for now.
Let her go.
Shut his face.
Bottle up.
He nodded to himself, chewing his lips.
- Yeah.
Just let her go.
- Yes...
Let her fly to England.
- Yeah...
Let her go and give her some time to sort things out with that what-fucking-his-name-is.
- You have some stuff to sort out yourself...
He had some stuff to sort out too himself.
- Right... good point.
It was.
- Yeah....
Let her leave and go ancient-Scottish-castles-touring with that I-hope-your-next-prodution-will-be-an epic-failure-John-something. [/i]
- Yeah...
Just let her figure it out by herself...
He felt his stomach lurch inside him.
- Sure...
It was for the best.
- Right....
It was safer like this.
- Yeah...
So much righter.
- Sure...
So much better.
Right....yeah...
And then he could spend the next upcoming months silently eating his heart over who she might be whiling away her time with....
- Sounds like a plan, sure....
He sprang himself up, pushing the chair away.
“I think I’ll be going....” he said.
He couldn’t do it. He just had to see her. Now. One last time. He had at least to see her. He would not hold her tight with any commitment, he promised. Just see her. Just that.
The guys didn’t even seem to lend an ear to what he said. An awkward silence followed
They had all basically dozed onto the couches several shots away actually. Greg had been snorting loudly for an hour already, even before Lisa left, but apart from that he had barely noticed silence had fallen around him.
Dave and Katie were the only ones it seemed to be still bravely holding on.
Well, David actually was holding on. Katie was more like drifting off he guessed. It was hard to tell.
She was humming quietly, when he looked at her, head resting onto Dave’s shoulder, low-murmuring some indistinguishable old nursery rhythm to herself, it seemed, eyes closed, lips curled into an weird, cheery grin.
He suspected she was a little tipsy, actually.
“You going home?” David asked, staring up at him down from the couch.
Innocent question. Pretty predictable one.
He stiffened, though “Yeah I...I mean I...yes, well first I...” he scratched the side of his head “...I just need, you know” his heart suddenly spinning “ I need to get this clothes off you know...have a shower, take a nap...take my....take my time....you know...and then...yes and then...yeah I might be going home, I guess...”
David had kept on staring up at him a blank expression on his face.
He rubbed the corner of his eye, “...stick around...I don’t know...I am just tired that’s all....” he slurred at last
David batted his eye-lids.
“Alright good! Good for you!!!” he exclaimed.
Katie’s lips seemed to twitched at the corners. Her eyes were shut closed though.
Hugh made face, frowning.
“Just go rest....” David pressed on.
Hugh let the thought of Katie and her strange dreaming life drift off over him.
He nodded, instead. Back focusing. The word blinking him back into wakefulness.
- Rest
Yes.
- Maybe later
Now he was busy...
“Yes, I will...” he said.
He went to hustle. There was not that much time left.
He might just have enough to take...
“I’ll see you later?”
He pulled up, whirling round, “What?”
David pattered calmly with his palm onto the arm of the couch, watching intently down to his feet “I said...you’ll be around later?”
Hugh made another face, frowning. What?! He realized he was holding his breath.
“Yes sure...see you later....”
David nodded, pensively “Good...”
He went to hurtle once more.
“You’re not gonna disappear on me or something again, will you?”
He clenched his fists, swerving suddenly once more.
He pressed his lips hard against each other, turning patiently “Nope, I won’t. Promise...”
David nodded, always not looking at him “Alright...”
He went to turn, when thought better asking again. Just in case, hands thrust deep into his pockets “You need something Dave? Anything I can do for you?”
He found himself praying God and all the Saints he knew the existence of he didn’t.
It was a rather poor list.
David shook his head, lifting up his hand “No, no...” he held his temple with two finger “Go...”
He heaved a sigh of relief. Then dared to start thinking of showing himself out again.
“Turn your phone on!!” David shouted after him.
“What the fuck David!!! Alright, goddamnit, I’ll keep myself available, can go now?!!!”
The words ripped out of his mouth before he knew it. The words, and the tone and the fuck and the goddamnit and he could do nothing to take them back.
He was screwed.
David turned his head backwards a bit in fact, staring at him. He batted his eyelids again, “Yes sure....see you in a while” he said, still calmly, like he had never lashed out or just imagined he had.
He wondered whether he should be wondering how was that even possible. Then he decided he’d better not to.
Not now at least.
And he was shooting himself out right next.
Katie opened one of her eyes, slightly, peering up at David.
She chocked a giggle; grinned a huge grin up at him.
“I knew you weren’t sleeping....” he grinned back down to her, turning ahead, slightly.
“Sleeping?!?!” she asked, as if the word must be offending “God grief, there’s nothing about sleep which could get me missing what’s brewing around here...”
David had to smile some more “You think they’ll sort things out? I mean, that they will manage to...talk it out? For real?”
“What do you mean?”
He frowned, shaking his head a bit “I don’t know...they have been looking pretty strange to me since we finished....I don’t know” he stretched his jaw. His beard was a tangle “it’s like they were both sort of...different from earlier on set to me...to each other I mean....I don’t know....don’t you think?”
Katie pouted lightly, raising her eyes up to him “I think they are the most twisted couple of persons I have ever met, that’s what I think....”
David coughed a laugh, “Yeah....that’s for sure....”
They stood quite for a while.
“Anyway for what it’s worth” she said, lifting up her head an inch from his shoulder “I’m advocating the they’ll keep making out their way out of it option?” she quipped, smiling mockingly up into his eyes.
David pressed his lips into a tight grin “You naughty girl...”
She laughed, making herself closer. She slid one arm under his hugging him “I’m just perceptive, that’s my gift...”
David sprawled himself some lower onto the couch. He smiled again “We are gonna see sparks I believe...”
“That’s way I wanna stay around....night’s not over yet”
He abandoned his head backwards “I’m just so tired...damn sleepy...and I have to stay up to be sure those two idiots know what they are doing...”
Katie plunged her cheek back into his shoulder “When’s the meeting?”
He closed his eyes, tiredly “Tomorrow at noon....well today actually....”
She pondered, “Are you gonna told them?”
“You know” he started sarcastic “I can’t casually omit my two leading actors - one of whom is incidentally still legally married - the same one who have been accidentally been spotted making out in the parking lot by the chief...”
Katie lifted up her head suddenly “They have been caught?!”
“The hell yeah they WILL get caught one day, if they kept on like this...unless...”
She brought one hand to her chest “God you gave me a heart attack....”
“They will Kate and none would be around to cover their ass...” he said turning to her suddenly looking all worked-up and “...it’s just a matter of time. So better take the bull by the horns and come out straight about this thing, don’t you think?!”
Katie watched seriously into his eyes. Then she smiled.
David arched a brow, suspiciously “What you’re smiling for?”
She reached out, holding one of cheek into her hand. Then kissed him lightly on the other one “You really are adorably thoughtful at times...”
