Hi there Hulis! This is my second attempt to a Huli FF. I thought it would be nice if someone told how, allegedly...according to our twisted minds:P things were gone between those two since Dec 2009 and well...hopefully how they'll end *winks winks* before this December (end > meaning: outburst of joy in the Huli world due to a sudden, not so much unexpected coming out :P) So this explains the title I guess...also a notorious homage to one of the most wonderful Huddy dialogues ever ;) I know, I am being overly optimistic here, but a fangirl can dream right?
Let me know if you like it...and if my English is understandable enough and not just for some 10-year-old's entertainment XD I am sorry I never partecipate in any challenge...it's not like I don't like to play, it just takes me time. I did my best, though ;)
December/December
December 2009
“It’s not like you are the most unbiased, objective observer Lizzy..."
Lisa grumbled slightly on the other side of the phone. She raised up straight, seating crossed-legged, throwing away the blanket. Her eyes kept flipping through the pictures, scattering them on the bed surface.
“John, I look awful...There’s noone of these pictures I can afford people spreading around the net. Just look at me..why did I choose that outfit for your party the other night?!” Why had she, indeed? She couldn’t recognize herself in those pics. Something was missing. She looked…off. “We should burn these photos, I am telling you...”
“Oh well, thanks a lot, Miss. Thanks for having kindly decided to “burning me out” of your life, just like that” his tone was jokingly enough to not alarm her she could have offended him.
“You know that’s not what I mean. I did have fun with you, John. Our days together were lovely” Her eyes met the one they took with that puffy puppy they have found that night, on their way to her hotel. John was holding her tightly from her shoulder and he had forgotten to take off his black, square glasses so there was a little reflection covering his eyes. She did like his glasses, though. They were...charming somehow. She had always had a thing for glasses...hasn’t she?
John’s voice stopped her thoughts “That’s all I get? Lovely aand fun? I thought you would say something like you had the time of my life with me…that would have made up for the “burning thing” so much better...”
She sighed and the hint of a smile touched her lips when she realized what his problem was “Oh God, why you Brits are all so incredibly touchy...” Words chocked in her throat and she cut that off mid-sentence. But he was laughing at her on the other side, oblivious to her sudden change of mood.
“Let him who’s without sin cast the first stone....I am not the one who’s planning a bonfire based on pride” his tone sounded, once again, more amused than critical. “Anyway Lizzy, dear...there’s no such thing like you being awful. It’s nonsense. You are the most gorgeous women I have ever met”
She smiled, half-flattered, regaining some cheerfulness “Mmm, you’re not buying me like that, Sir. That’s just a filth lie. I bet you have dated some perfect, tall, shiny blondie (possibly a model) at least once in your life. No way I am currently towering over your many conquests”
“Ok, maybe one or two great blondies. But you are the most glamorous one...” John mobile rang providentially “Hang on Liz, bloody cell...yes?”
Now, how come a woman like her, could still feel her heart skipping like that? How come such a stupid word as glamorous had the power to arouse so many emotion inside her? It had been just a stupid remark meant to please her. It has nothing to do with the way things were and would keep staying. Nevertheless, tears start forming into her eyes and she hated that. She did hate herself for that. What was wrong with her tonight? She fought tears back taking in a deep breath.
“Bloody holidays...”she whispered.
John was apparently back not so providentially this time “I see you’re anglicizing your vocabulary, Miss. Edelstein. I am proud of you. I don’t know what holidays have made to you, though, to deserve that...”
“Uhm, John? May I call you back? Maybe, tomorrow? I..I still have to feed Kaplow and the others and..I...I’d like to look again at my script. You know I didn’t really have much time to…focus. Been a little bit lazy lately” She was clearly stumbling into her own excuses.
John seemed to have guessed something. A brief pause followed before he answered her, but he didn’t ask her anything “Sure, sure...I am sorry, you must be tired, of course. I haven’t realized how late it was there. What time is it already? 11? You probably must be on set at some crazy hour tomorrow. Does the shooting always start so early?”
“No. I mean yes” she was making a mess here “I mean, it’s just 10 here. And NO, I don’t have to be on set before 3 pm actually. And NO, we won’t start the shooting tomorrow, just the reading. And it’s not even the whole crew, most of them are on vacation since last week already" another heart-wrenching pain moment. She hated this. "Just me and David and the writers. It’s a very special episode for my character and they want…WE ALL WANT to be sure I won’t screw this up” But she felt the urge to add something more to that list of lame excuses she was coming up with “It’s not your fault, John. I am just…tired, that’s all. I guess I have grown a workaholic…Holidays stress me out. Besides, I was the one who called you, remember?”
He softened his tone “You can call whenever you want, you know that. But, you sure you want to stay in tonight? Can’t you go clubbing or...I don’t know...to one of those fashionable parties or yours? I don’t like the idea of you being all alone on Friday night”.
She forced herself to deliver a plausible, coherent answer “I do not...feel like…clubbing tonight. I really...I’d rather have a bath, listen to some good music, go to bed….maybe tomorrow” he voice was breaking…so she stopped before he noticed.
“Ok, as you fancy Madam. I’ll be back to LA next week, though, so be ready. First thing I’ll do is showing you off around. Everyone needs to see how gorgeous my girl is”
Another tiny, little smile crept on her lips “Slow down, Sir. Who’s the girl of whose, now? You are running a little bit too fast here, don’t you think?”.
John’s tone was apologizing but it held all the charm that had drew her to him, in first place “I am sorry, Miss. You’re right. Noone should claim any right on something such as precious and lovely as you. It would be an immense waste for the whole rest of the world"
She spilled a tear unable to restrain them any longer “You’re adorable, as usual. I’ll talk you tomorrow, then...”
“Goodnight Lizzy”
She waited “John?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks”
“You’re welcome”.
She curled under the white hand-woven wool blanket, sinking deeper into her bed. It was Friday night. It was Friday night and she was staying home all by herself. Kaplow was crouched next to her; she stared at his black, little, pacific eyes wishing she might feel like him. Peaceful. There was a time she used to feel that way. It seemed like a lifetime ago. She delicately started to brush his fur. He loved when she tickled lightly behind his ears. “Here he goes again….” Kaplow has rolled on his back and was now asking for more, with the most ecstatic expression stamped on his furry muzzle “Look at you, you do like snuggles, don’t you?” Suddenly the pain grew back stronger inside her chest and she found herself tracing absentmindedly the line of her lips, lingering onto memories she wasn’t supposed to recall “You’re right, who doesn’t after all?”
Her eyes caught a glimpse of a photo in which John was making funny faces to the camera. He was a great guy. Why wasn’t she giving a real chance to him? He was smart, educated. Great musical tastes….funny, entertaining, polite. He was so charming, so wonderful with her. And still that damn lump in her throat didn’t want to leave her alone. She grasped for some more air to breath in “Maybe I don’t need to get out at all, what do you say Kap? Maybe I can just lie here…till they don’t come and force me to go to work” Kaplow kept staring at her with questioning eyes “You’re right, I can’t, it’s insane. I DO NEED to do something with my life. I need to get back on track. I owe it to myself. When did you get so smart by the way?” Kaplow tilted his head in assent. Or so it looked like, but the moment she thought it through, she frowned her eyebrows “….and when did I get so loony that I need to hear from my own dog that I have to get a life of my own?” She froze abruptly at the awful sound of those latest words and curled even more tightly, burying herself under the blanket once again.
Early January 2010
Robert had already knocked twice, but no answer had come. He wasn’t planning on waiting any further. “May I come in?” poking his head round the door of the trailer, he cautiously closed it behind him, looking around for a familiar shape. His eyes took a while to adjust to the darkness. Hugh was lying down on the couch, his arms folded behind his head. He was just staring blankly at the ceiling and for what it mattered it looked horrible enough to confirm his worst fears. He was way worse than when he had left for Christmas: his face looked strained and rather worn-out. He must have lost weight. The rings under his eyes were definitely and clearly, the worst sign of all: when it came to Hugh, sleep-deprivation was one of the first symptoms one needed to look for. This was a recurrent topic: every time his life went amiss and he couldn’t figure a way to sort out the problem at its core, he used to be insanely inclined to a methodical, self-destructive behaviour.
The best, safest course was usually just avoiding the issue for while, which is why he opted for a casual, chatty, half-teasing tone first, “You think there’s any chance you gonna get out of here in real time? You DO have no half measures” the teasing strategy might have worked. Maybe. “I knew you’d go whole hog after your latest time-off...You’re boringly predictable sometimes.“ No mood change so far. Not a flinch or the hint of smile. Nor even a sarcastic half-arched eyebrow. He headed to the min-bar counter, where he found some magazines scattered around and picked up one, flipping through its pages absentmindedly, while resuming his argument “I bet. Must have been a relief that you have not been the one working crazy hours, for once last time...”
Hugh turned his head slowly, eyeing him up suspiciously “It’s dark in here Robert. No light. So don’t pretend you’re reading that, please. Just say whatever you’ve come here for”
He was puzzled “I have...I have no reason to be here for”. What was he expecting him to be there for?
Hugh snorted sceptical “You don’t?”
“Not really, no” Hugh fell into silence once again. He decided to try his ultimate weapon, mentioning the only name that has usually been able to cheer him up instantly “Lisa just came back from her trip by the way. She is on set right now. Just arrived....”Hugh had kept staring at the ceiling all along, wearing an unreadable expression, but he could swear he had seen him flinch at Lisa’s name. Maybe he had just broken the wall of silence “By the way” he added pinching his voice higher ever so slightly “I saw some bits from her episode and you two..oh boys, you two did the hell of a job together the other day. Have you get a chance a have a look to that?” Still dead silence. “Well, you should see her in her solo scenes too. She is truly amazing. She has handled that wonderfully…”he tried to lift his mood pulling his leg a little bit “You know, it’s nice for once, having you forced to take a backseat.”
He was still lingering over that amazing but something wringed inside him when the full meaning of Rob’s latest remark hit him and a mix of a feeling of anger, jealousy and regret arouse in his chest along with a true heart-wrenching pain that made him snap off all of a sudden.
“You know, Robert, usually people actually wait for the person on the other side of the door to agree for them to come in, before barging in….or so it is still in England. But maybe habits have changed a lot here”. That hadn’t came out sarcastically enough to not be regarded as plain rudeness. That had been harsh to say the least. Why was he jumping on him now?
Robert was more and more concerned. Very unlike him. Another bad sign. “Must have left my manners behind me, I guess” he paused and sighed out his worries dropping the façade “Hugh…please. Talk to me...are you ok?”
Hugh rubbed his eyes with both hands and quickly jumped up on his feet, pointing his blue empty eyes at Robert with a look that could only been described as torn. He sounded exhausted. “Yeah, I am fine, Rob. I am so sorry...I am the one who must have left his manners back in England, apparently. I am just tired, that’s all” Robert gaze lingered upon him and that was making him nervous, so he started searching the room with the only purpose of avoiding his scrutinizing stare.
He wouldn’t have wanted to push it. He knew Hugh well enough to know he needed time to open up. But, on the other hand, experience had taught him it could also have took Hugh forever to actually find the courage to do that. Maybe it was time to opt for a more subtle approach. He leaned casually onto the marble slab, and was relieved to realize there were no open bottles on it. He knew Hugh wasn’t the type, but still, this time he did look awful “Ok. How were your holidays, then? We didn’t get the chance to….” he almost froze at Hugh’s very unfriendly sideways glance “...talk, after you...” he must have hit a nerve. Hugh has now started pacing back and forth“...came...back from…...London”. This was getting out of control “Hugh, for God’s sake, you’re freaking me out here. What’s with this watch-it-‘cause-I-might-bite-you attitude of yours today. What the hell is going on?”
It felt like for a few seconds Robert’s voice were coming from a very distant place, somewhere else far away from him. That was a very good question, indeed. What had happened to him? Where should he start this from? Yesterday? Christmas holidays? It all had started so much earlier than that time. How was he supposed to explain the mess he had put himself into, since September? Now he was truly fooling himself around. September hadn’t been but the peak of the iceberg. It has been years already. He just had been too stubbornly blind about it.
He inhaled deeply and seated back on the couch, burying his face in his hands. He stood like that for a while, massaging his temples. “It’s over Robert. I screw it up”
Robert frowned, not sure where he was going with that “What...exactly are you talking about?”
“Everything. My whole life. It’s over” he lifted his face and pointed at him, waiting for a response. The truth was out now. At least for Robert to hear it.
He picked up the hidden meaning of that, indeed, or so he thought “I am sorry to hear that. I know how much effort you put into your marriage” This wasn’t exactly coming out of the blue, after all. Since he had known him, he had lived under the impression that he hadn’t exactly been facing his conjugal problems. More like avoiding them, putting a whole continent in between.
Hugh sighed, annoyed at himself more than ever “Don’t be. I don’t..deserve it. I didn’t put enough, apparently”. He started playing with his hands, nervously entwining them over and over again.
Robert caught sight of his left one. “You put it off”
Hugh stared down pensive “It’s been a whole week already. It didn’t feel right anymore”
He didn’t know what to say. He wished he could have eased his pain by saying the right thing, but really, which one was? “I know it’s hard….but you’ve been miserable for months already” Actually years would have been a more appropriate lapse of time to define it, but there was no need to say the plain truth right now “Things weren’t working out the way you’ve planned between you and Jo. Sometimes...life isn’t just fair with us. You’ll get over it one day. You made your choice a few years ago, and here you are. She made hers now. And I think she finally made the right call this time”
Hugh rolled his eyes flaring up “Ah! It’s unbelievable! I don’t even get the credit or the blame for having been the bad guy, for once”
Getting away with it, with all the sufferance and pain he felt responsible to have spread and caused around him, was maybe worse than the fact itself. He took courage and spit it out
He had never seen him that resentful against his own person. Hugh had never acted so He stammered a confused reply “I just assumed she was the one who...”
“She didn’t”
Silence grew deeper as Robert started processing and quickly connected it all together, doing the math. Jo hasn’t be the one to take a stand on their marriage. He was. “You left her”
“I did”
“Well, you did the right thing too” He was trying to be reassuring, but the light shock in his voice was betraying him. He knew Hugh wasn’t happy in his marriage, but still the idea he had been actually able to go for a change and run the risk was…..he just hasn’t seen this coming.
“You make it sound like it’s not that right anymore, since it has actually comes from me. But maybe you’re right. I am an ass.”
“That’s not why I was thinking Hugh. I am not...judging you. You know that. I am just surprised. It’s actually a good thing you’ve been the one making this call. It was no use letting life deciding for you anymore”
“I know”
He didn’t look relieved by his support, though “Is that why you’re angry at yourself? Because you actually had the courage to go for it? Is that it? You feel guilty because you finally decided you deserve a chance at happiness? Hugh…listen to me…this is just..”
But Hugh shushed him with one firm hand not standing him to go on with this sympathetic attitude any longer. This was making him feel like crap even more. “No Rob. You don’t get it. I have no chance at happiness right now. You haven’t listened to me. It’s over” And then he lifted his eyes, and the glow Robert had spotted so often during this six years inside them was now missing more than ever. He had been chronically depressed once, but he couldn’t recall his eyes having been so empty, with no spark of hope at all.
It stroke him suddenly “Lisa...”
“I see you got that, finally”
He was missing something here. Why was he so depressed if...might it just be guilt? Why wasn’t Lisa with him? Why hadn’t she tell anything earlier this morning? She had looked...ok on set this morning, but...shouldn’t she have been like glowing all over? The two of them have been dancing around each other for years...
Hugh haven’t even paid attention to him “You see?” he kept on “Surprise, surprise!!! I am not that selfless after all” he looked like being disgusted at himself “I just destroyed my marriage, turned my back at my family and I am not even grieving on them already”
Saying that Robert felt immensely sorry for him wouldn’t have even conveyed a thousandth of the pain he was feeling in watching him like this. “Hugh, you’re only human. And we both know Lisa has been so much more than just a crush for you. What you two had….it has always been special. This summer….that wasn’t just a fling. We all know that. You’ve been dragged to each other since day one. I don’t even know how you managed to wait so long before actually fell for it” But Hugh wasn’t reacting to that either “Does she know you left Jo?”
He pursed his lips staring down at his bare left hand. “Yes, she does. I told her. Yesterday. I went straight to her home like an idiot”
There was a pinch of something else in his tone now, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on yet. Something must have gone very wrong anyway.“What did she say? That was..I mean, I know…she didn’t ever ask you specifically to leave her. Lisa wouldn’t be able to be that selfish not even if she planned to...and you two are definitely a match on this, whatever you might argue about it” Hugh snorted, meaning he clearly disagreed on that.“...but, I was under the impression that the reason she decided to put an end to your…thing, this fall was your...”
He cut him off “My situation is no longer the issue”
“Wait a minute” This was getting messy and messy. He had no clue whatsoever what he was talking about “You lost me. I had understood things have changed between the two of you after Jo had showed up at the Emmys”
Hugh closed his eyes, breathing in a deep breath. The memory of the way he had behaved at that time was almost unbearable to him. What a coward. ”Yes” he sighed “she told me I was hurting them both way worse than she could possibly stand at that point”
“Well, she also told you she didn’t want you to live a life you wasn’t ready for, just because she was there to support you. She wanted you to be ready to go for it...‘cause you actually wanted to.”
“Well, here I am now” But he made it sound as if that wasn't enough anymore.
“I am sorry, but...I don’t understand. What’s the issue now, then?” another long pause. This time Hugh’s prolonged silence was really causing him to lose his patience “Hugh, please..how am I supposed to help you if you don’t speak your mind with me, Hugh….talk to me. What. Has. Lisa. Said?”
Hugh leaned forward to the edge of the couch pondering his options. And after a moment in which he was seriously considering the possibility to stand suddenly up and punch the wall this his fist, as in some clichéd and dramatic B movie scene, he quickly reconsidered and just threw his head defencelessly between his legs, instead, dangling it in there back and forth for a while.
“She met someone else”
Let me know if you like it...and if my English is understandable enough and not just for some 10-year-old's entertainment XD I am sorry I never partecipate in any challenge...it's not like I don't like to play, it just takes me time. I did my best, though ;)
December/December
December 2009
“It’s not like you are the most unbiased, objective observer Lizzy..."
Lisa grumbled slightly on the other side of the phone. She raised up straight, seating crossed-legged, throwing away the blanket. Her eyes kept flipping through the pictures, scattering them on the bed surface.
“John, I look awful...There’s noone of these pictures I can afford people spreading around the net. Just look at me..why did I choose that outfit for your party the other night?!” Why had she, indeed? She couldn’t recognize herself in those pics. Something was missing. She looked…off. “We should burn these photos, I am telling you...”
“Oh well, thanks a lot, Miss. Thanks for having kindly decided to “burning me out” of your life, just like that” his tone was jokingly enough to not alarm her she could have offended him.
“You know that’s not what I mean. I did have fun with you, John. Our days together were lovely” Her eyes met the one they took with that puffy puppy they have found that night, on their way to her hotel. John was holding her tightly from her shoulder and he had forgotten to take off his black, square glasses so there was a little reflection covering his eyes. She did like his glasses, though. They were...charming somehow. She had always had a thing for glasses...hasn’t she?
John’s voice stopped her thoughts “That’s all I get? Lovely aand fun? I thought you would say something like you had the time of my life with me…that would have made up for the “burning thing” so much better...”
She sighed and the hint of a smile touched her lips when she realized what his problem was “Oh God, why you Brits are all so incredibly touchy...” Words chocked in her throat and she cut that off mid-sentence. But he was laughing at her on the other side, oblivious to her sudden change of mood.
“Let him who’s without sin cast the first stone....I am not the one who’s planning a bonfire based on pride” his tone sounded, once again, more amused than critical. “Anyway Lizzy, dear...there’s no such thing like you being awful. It’s nonsense. You are the most gorgeous women I have ever met”
She smiled, half-flattered, regaining some cheerfulness “Mmm, you’re not buying me like that, Sir. That’s just a filth lie. I bet you have dated some perfect, tall, shiny blondie (possibly a model) at least once in your life. No way I am currently towering over your many conquests”
“Ok, maybe one or two great blondies. But you are the most glamorous one...” John mobile rang providentially “Hang on Liz, bloody cell...yes?”
Now, how come a woman like her, could still feel her heart skipping like that? How come such a stupid word as glamorous had the power to arouse so many emotion inside her? It had been just a stupid remark meant to please her. It has nothing to do with the way things were and would keep staying. Nevertheless, tears start forming into her eyes and she hated that. She did hate herself for that. What was wrong with her tonight? She fought tears back taking in a deep breath.
“Bloody holidays...”she whispered.
John was apparently back not so providentially this time “I see you’re anglicizing your vocabulary, Miss. Edelstein. I am proud of you. I don’t know what holidays have made to you, though, to deserve that...”
“Uhm, John? May I call you back? Maybe, tomorrow? I..I still have to feed Kaplow and the others and..I...I’d like to look again at my script. You know I didn’t really have much time to…focus. Been a little bit lazy lately” She was clearly stumbling into her own excuses.
John seemed to have guessed something. A brief pause followed before he answered her, but he didn’t ask her anything “Sure, sure...I am sorry, you must be tired, of course. I haven’t realized how late it was there. What time is it already? 11? You probably must be on set at some crazy hour tomorrow. Does the shooting always start so early?”
“No. I mean yes” she was making a mess here “I mean, it’s just 10 here. And NO, I don’t have to be on set before 3 pm actually. And NO, we won’t start the shooting tomorrow, just the reading. And it’s not even the whole crew, most of them are on vacation since last week already" another heart-wrenching pain moment. She hated this. "Just me and David and the writers. It’s a very special episode for my character and they want…WE ALL WANT to be sure I won’t screw this up” But she felt the urge to add something more to that list of lame excuses she was coming up with “It’s not your fault, John. I am just…tired, that’s all. I guess I have grown a workaholic…Holidays stress me out. Besides, I was the one who called you, remember?”
He softened his tone “You can call whenever you want, you know that. But, you sure you want to stay in tonight? Can’t you go clubbing or...I don’t know...to one of those fashionable parties or yours? I don’t like the idea of you being all alone on Friday night”.
She forced herself to deliver a plausible, coherent answer “I do not...feel like…clubbing tonight. I really...I’d rather have a bath, listen to some good music, go to bed….maybe tomorrow” he voice was breaking…so she stopped before he noticed.
“Ok, as you fancy Madam. I’ll be back to LA next week, though, so be ready. First thing I’ll do is showing you off around. Everyone needs to see how gorgeous my girl is”
Another tiny, little smile crept on her lips “Slow down, Sir. Who’s the girl of whose, now? You are running a little bit too fast here, don’t you think?”.
John’s tone was apologizing but it held all the charm that had drew her to him, in first place “I am sorry, Miss. You’re right. Noone should claim any right on something such as precious and lovely as you. It would be an immense waste for the whole rest of the world"
She spilled a tear unable to restrain them any longer “You’re adorable, as usual. I’ll talk you tomorrow, then...”
“Goodnight Lizzy”
She waited “John?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks”
“You’re welcome”.
She curled under the white hand-woven wool blanket, sinking deeper into her bed. It was Friday night. It was Friday night and she was staying home all by herself. Kaplow was crouched next to her; she stared at his black, little, pacific eyes wishing she might feel like him. Peaceful. There was a time she used to feel that way. It seemed like a lifetime ago. She delicately started to brush his fur. He loved when she tickled lightly behind his ears. “Here he goes again….” Kaplow has rolled on his back and was now asking for more, with the most ecstatic expression stamped on his furry muzzle “Look at you, you do like snuggles, don’t you?” Suddenly the pain grew back stronger inside her chest and she found herself tracing absentmindedly the line of her lips, lingering onto memories she wasn’t supposed to recall “You’re right, who doesn’t after all?”
Her eyes caught a glimpse of a photo in which John was making funny faces to the camera. He was a great guy. Why wasn’t she giving a real chance to him? He was smart, educated. Great musical tastes….funny, entertaining, polite. He was so charming, so wonderful with her. And still that damn lump in her throat didn’t want to leave her alone. She grasped for some more air to breath in “Maybe I don’t need to get out at all, what do you say Kap? Maybe I can just lie here…till they don’t come and force me to go to work” Kaplow kept staring at her with questioning eyes “You’re right, I can’t, it’s insane. I DO NEED to do something with my life. I need to get back on track. I owe it to myself. When did you get so smart by the way?” Kaplow tilted his head in assent. Or so it looked like, but the moment she thought it through, she frowned her eyebrows “….and when did I get so loony that I need to hear from my own dog that I have to get a life of my own?” She froze abruptly at the awful sound of those latest words and curled even more tightly, burying herself under the blanket once again.
Early January 2010
Robert had already knocked twice, but no answer had come. He wasn’t planning on waiting any further. “May I come in?” poking his head round the door of the trailer, he cautiously closed it behind him, looking around for a familiar shape. His eyes took a while to adjust to the darkness. Hugh was lying down on the couch, his arms folded behind his head. He was just staring blankly at the ceiling and for what it mattered it looked horrible enough to confirm his worst fears. He was way worse than when he had left for Christmas: his face looked strained and rather worn-out. He must have lost weight. The rings under his eyes were definitely and clearly, the worst sign of all: when it came to Hugh, sleep-deprivation was one of the first symptoms one needed to look for. This was a recurrent topic: every time his life went amiss and he couldn’t figure a way to sort out the problem at its core, he used to be insanely inclined to a methodical, self-destructive behaviour.
The best, safest course was usually just avoiding the issue for while, which is why he opted for a casual, chatty, half-teasing tone first, “You think there’s any chance you gonna get out of here in real time? You DO have no half measures” the teasing strategy might have worked. Maybe. “I knew you’d go whole hog after your latest time-off...You’re boringly predictable sometimes.“ No mood change so far. Not a flinch or the hint of smile. Nor even a sarcastic half-arched eyebrow. He headed to the min-bar counter, where he found some magazines scattered around and picked up one, flipping through its pages absentmindedly, while resuming his argument “I bet. Must have been a relief that you have not been the one working crazy hours, for once last time...”
Hugh turned his head slowly, eyeing him up suspiciously “It’s dark in here Robert. No light. So don’t pretend you’re reading that, please. Just say whatever you’ve come here for”
He was puzzled “I have...I have no reason to be here for”. What was he expecting him to be there for?
Hugh snorted sceptical “You don’t?”
“Not really, no” Hugh fell into silence once again. He decided to try his ultimate weapon, mentioning the only name that has usually been able to cheer him up instantly “Lisa just came back from her trip by the way. She is on set right now. Just arrived....”Hugh had kept staring at the ceiling all along, wearing an unreadable expression, but he could swear he had seen him flinch at Lisa’s name. Maybe he had just broken the wall of silence “By the way” he added pinching his voice higher ever so slightly “I saw some bits from her episode and you two..oh boys, you two did the hell of a job together the other day. Have you get a chance a have a look to that?” Still dead silence. “Well, you should see her in her solo scenes too. She is truly amazing. She has handled that wonderfully…”he tried to lift his mood pulling his leg a little bit “You know, it’s nice for once, having you forced to take a backseat.”
He was still lingering over that amazing but something wringed inside him when the full meaning of Rob’s latest remark hit him and a mix of a feeling of anger, jealousy and regret arouse in his chest along with a true heart-wrenching pain that made him snap off all of a sudden.
“You know, Robert, usually people actually wait for the person on the other side of the door to agree for them to come in, before barging in….or so it is still in England. But maybe habits have changed a lot here”. That hadn’t came out sarcastically enough to not be regarded as plain rudeness. That had been harsh to say the least. Why was he jumping on him now?
Robert was more and more concerned. Very unlike him. Another bad sign. “Must have left my manners behind me, I guess” he paused and sighed out his worries dropping the façade “Hugh…please. Talk to me...are you ok?”
Hugh rubbed his eyes with both hands and quickly jumped up on his feet, pointing his blue empty eyes at Robert with a look that could only been described as torn. He sounded exhausted. “Yeah, I am fine, Rob. I am so sorry...I am the one who must have left his manners back in England, apparently. I am just tired, that’s all” Robert gaze lingered upon him and that was making him nervous, so he started searching the room with the only purpose of avoiding his scrutinizing stare.
He wouldn’t have wanted to push it. He knew Hugh well enough to know he needed time to open up. But, on the other hand, experience had taught him it could also have took Hugh forever to actually find the courage to do that. Maybe it was time to opt for a more subtle approach. He leaned casually onto the marble slab, and was relieved to realize there were no open bottles on it. He knew Hugh wasn’t the type, but still, this time he did look awful “Ok. How were your holidays, then? We didn’t get the chance to….” he almost froze at Hugh’s very unfriendly sideways glance “...talk, after you...” he must have hit a nerve. Hugh has now started pacing back and forth“...came...back from…...London”. This was getting out of control “Hugh, for God’s sake, you’re freaking me out here. What’s with this watch-it-‘cause-I-might-bite-you attitude of yours today. What the hell is going on?”
It felt like for a few seconds Robert’s voice were coming from a very distant place, somewhere else far away from him. That was a very good question, indeed. What had happened to him? Where should he start this from? Yesterday? Christmas holidays? It all had started so much earlier than that time. How was he supposed to explain the mess he had put himself into, since September? Now he was truly fooling himself around. September hadn’t been but the peak of the iceberg. It has been years already. He just had been too stubbornly blind about it.
He inhaled deeply and seated back on the couch, burying his face in his hands. He stood like that for a while, massaging his temples. “It’s over Robert. I screw it up”
Robert frowned, not sure where he was going with that “What...exactly are you talking about?”
“Everything. My whole life. It’s over” he lifted his face and pointed at him, waiting for a response. The truth was out now. At least for Robert to hear it.
He picked up the hidden meaning of that, indeed, or so he thought “I am sorry to hear that. I know how much effort you put into your marriage” This wasn’t exactly coming out of the blue, after all. Since he had known him, he had lived under the impression that he hadn’t exactly been facing his conjugal problems. More like avoiding them, putting a whole continent in between.
Hugh sighed, annoyed at himself more than ever “Don’t be. I don’t..deserve it. I didn’t put enough, apparently”. He started playing with his hands, nervously entwining them over and over again.
Robert caught sight of his left one. “You put it off”
Hugh stared down pensive “It’s been a whole week already. It didn’t feel right anymore”
He didn’t know what to say. He wished he could have eased his pain by saying the right thing, but really, which one was? “I know it’s hard….but you’ve been miserable for months already” Actually years would have been a more appropriate lapse of time to define it, but there was no need to say the plain truth right now “Things weren’t working out the way you’ve planned between you and Jo. Sometimes...life isn’t just fair with us. You’ll get over it one day. You made your choice a few years ago, and here you are. She made hers now. And I think she finally made the right call this time”
Hugh rolled his eyes flaring up “Ah! It’s unbelievable! I don’t even get the credit or the blame for having been the bad guy, for once”
Getting away with it, with all the sufferance and pain he felt responsible to have spread and caused around him, was maybe worse than the fact itself. He took courage and spit it out
He had never seen him that resentful against his own person. Hugh had never acted so He stammered a confused reply “I just assumed she was the one who...”
“She didn’t”
Silence grew deeper as Robert started processing and quickly connected it all together, doing the math. Jo hasn’t be the one to take a stand on their marriage. He was. “You left her”
“I did”
“Well, you did the right thing too” He was trying to be reassuring, but the light shock in his voice was betraying him. He knew Hugh wasn’t happy in his marriage, but still the idea he had been actually able to go for a change and run the risk was…..he just hasn’t seen this coming.
“You make it sound like it’s not that right anymore, since it has actually comes from me. But maybe you’re right. I am an ass.”
“That’s not why I was thinking Hugh. I am not...judging you. You know that. I am just surprised. It’s actually a good thing you’ve been the one making this call. It was no use letting life deciding for you anymore”
“I know”
He didn’t look relieved by his support, though “Is that why you’re angry at yourself? Because you actually had the courage to go for it? Is that it? You feel guilty because you finally decided you deserve a chance at happiness? Hugh…listen to me…this is just..”
But Hugh shushed him with one firm hand not standing him to go on with this sympathetic attitude any longer. This was making him feel like crap even more. “No Rob. You don’t get it. I have no chance at happiness right now. You haven’t listened to me. It’s over” And then he lifted his eyes, and the glow Robert had spotted so often during this six years inside them was now missing more than ever. He had been chronically depressed once, but he couldn’t recall his eyes having been so empty, with no spark of hope at all.
It stroke him suddenly “Lisa...”
“I see you got that, finally”
He was missing something here. Why was he so depressed if...might it just be guilt? Why wasn’t Lisa with him? Why hadn’t she tell anything earlier this morning? She had looked...ok on set this morning, but...shouldn’t she have been like glowing all over? The two of them have been dancing around each other for years...
Hugh haven’t even paid attention to him “You see?” he kept on “Surprise, surprise!!! I am not that selfless after all” he looked like being disgusted at himself “I just destroyed my marriage, turned my back at my family and I am not even grieving on them already”
Saying that Robert felt immensely sorry for him wouldn’t have even conveyed a thousandth of the pain he was feeling in watching him like this. “Hugh, you’re only human. And we both know Lisa has been so much more than just a crush for you. What you two had….it has always been special. This summer….that wasn’t just a fling. We all know that. You’ve been dragged to each other since day one. I don’t even know how you managed to wait so long before actually fell for it” But Hugh wasn’t reacting to that either “Does she know you left Jo?”
He pursed his lips staring down at his bare left hand. “Yes, she does. I told her. Yesterday. I went straight to her home like an idiot”
There was a pinch of something else in his tone now, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on yet. Something must have gone very wrong anyway.“What did she say? That was..I mean, I know…she didn’t ever ask you specifically to leave her. Lisa wouldn’t be able to be that selfish not even if she planned to...and you two are definitely a match on this, whatever you might argue about it” Hugh snorted, meaning he clearly disagreed on that.“...but, I was under the impression that the reason she decided to put an end to your…thing, this fall was your...”
He cut him off “My situation is no longer the issue”
“Wait a minute” This was getting messy and messy. He had no clue whatsoever what he was talking about “You lost me. I had understood things have changed between the two of you after Jo had showed up at the Emmys”
Hugh closed his eyes, breathing in a deep breath. The memory of the way he had behaved at that time was almost unbearable to him. What a coward. ”Yes” he sighed “she told me I was hurting them both way worse than she could possibly stand at that point”
“Well, she also told you she didn’t want you to live a life you wasn’t ready for, just because she was there to support you. She wanted you to be ready to go for it...‘cause you actually wanted to.”
“Well, here I am now” But he made it sound as if that wasn't enough anymore.
“I am sorry, but...I don’t understand. What’s the issue now, then?” another long pause. This time Hugh’s prolonged silence was really causing him to lose his patience “Hugh, please..how am I supposed to help you if you don’t speak your mind with me, Hugh….talk to me. What. Has. Lisa. Said?”
Hugh leaned forward to the edge of the couch pondering his options. And after a moment in which he was seriously considering the possibility to stand suddenly up and punch the wall this his fist, as in some clichéd and dramatic B movie scene, he quickly reconsidered and just threw his head defencelessly between his legs, instead, dangling it in there back and forth for a while.
“She met someone else”
