The last solstice

Chapter 13: Inner demons - Part 2


The Princess of the Sun circles around nervously. She’s like a snow white ghost haunting the rooms. Although it was several days ago, the encounter with Nocturnal Mirage has stirred up her soul. Laying eyes upon another pony after a decade was quite unsettling for Celestia.

“How could I have been so foolish?” the solar alicorn questioned herself angrily.

In the heat of the moment, she allowed the stallion to see what nopony should see. The marks of that fateful day… the marks of her failure.

Celestia gazed at her distorted reflection in the busted mirror. Her sparkly mane bountifully veiled the scarred side of her face, as always. But that doesn't keep her from reliving the events over and over again. It has been such a long time, yet that day still lives vividly in her mind, like the black scars on her body. The screams still echo in her ears. She still feels the heat on her skin. And she still feels that blasphemous magic coursing through her veins.

When the Night comes, the specters of the past crawl out from the dark corners of her room to torment her. When she’s lying in her bed, rolled up in a ball, she sees pale faces at the other side of the silky, transparent curtains, ponies glaring at her with lifeless, glassy, judgmental eyes.

Celestia turns away from the broken mirror, closing her eyes. She cannot bear looking at her own self.

Murderer… a quiet, bodiless voice hisses from somewhere.

The while alicorn glances out the window and sees the setting Sun. It is almost dusk, when everything quiets down. Celestia hates the silence. During daytime, the outside noises snuff them out, but when the city of Canterlot goes to sleep, the voices become stronger.

The sun goddess takes a lady-like sip of wine from the goblet in front of her. Old habits die hard.

She walks to the piano and starts playing a song, just to break the deadly calmness and to make the voices go away. She knows the lyrics like the back of her hoof. She’s played that song countless times, since her voluntary exile. Her clean voice tinkles, comes from deep within her soul, full of sorrow, regret, desperation and hope at the same time.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hooves
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done

I'll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

What I've done
Forgiving what I've done*

Yet, she could never forgive herself. The sin was too large. And of all ponies, Celestia knows that. She collapses onto the piano and breaks out in tears. Her mane and tale turns opalescent, like oily water and billow around her body.

First time in a long time, she feels really alone and naked in the darkness. Of course in all these years, the Solar Princess got used to loneliness, but this time the feeling came from somewhere deeper and the urge feel the presence of another, to hug somepony began to overwhelm her senses. But soon she managed to pull herself together, knowing she craves the impossible.

“How could anypony love me again? After the horrors I’ve done…” Celestia sobs and tries to stand up.

Her footing is unstable and a sudden, terrified scream escapes her mouth. The sun goddess gazes at her scarred hoof and realizes her wounds are glowing with a golden light. It’s like a flow of magma. She then snatches her right cheek as a wave of intense pain rampages through her body.

Celestia lets out another ghoulish scream of anguish and prances. She stands on two legs for a second, because she seals her front hooves on the scarred side of her face. But her hind legs cannot keep her weight and she lurches. Her wings instinctively flap a few times, but it’s not use. The once mighty alicorn Princess falls on her back, and crashes the dining table she lands on to pieces. The solar goddess feels only the pain originating from her burning scars before she passes out.

*** ***

In the other suite, Nocturnal Mirage was in deep contemplation as well. His encounter with the Princess and the nightmare afterwards was shocking. But the cobalt stallion remembered the vow he made that night.

He summoned upon all of his courage and walked to Celestia’s door many times, but when he reached out to the knob, he felt his resolution evaporate. He just idled there, bobbing anxiously back and forth, like a young colt before a serious exam. He could not bring himself to face the solar alicorn once more. Her sudden, unpredictable changes in mood and behavior freaked out the royal blue earth pony, not to mention Celestia’s sinister appearance in his dream.

On the other hoof, that urge he felt on the first time he met the Princess muzzle to muzzle only kept growing inside his soul. That invisible hoof attracted him toward the alicorn, whether he wanted or not. But his willpower wasn’t strong enough to break the ice. The sounds of music disrupted his train of thought and the stallion got off from his bed.

In the last couple of days, Mirage picked up a new habit of sitting in the corridor with closed eyes, listening to Celestia’s beautiful singing. Somehow, the dark blue pony found the voice of the Princess quite soothing. When he heard the first tunes the sun goddess played on the piano he walked out to the corridor where he could hear her more. This time was no exception.

Mirage sits on a comfy chair enjoying the “private concert”. The last rays of the sun cuddle his skin, as his dark blue fur absorbs the heat, while the voice of the Princess is like dripping honey to his ears. When the song finishes, the stallion opens his eyes and waits for the next one. But he hears the sobs of the Princess instead. He lets out a resigned sigh and stands up with the intention of going back to his suite again. He stops for a brief moment when he hears the first scream. Mirage doesn’t give too much relevance to it, he got used to Celestia’s random freakouts. He almost closes his door when the second scream slits through the calm dusk.

Mirage have always considered himself as an intuitive pony and always listened to his inner voice. Now this voice tells him something’s different. After that muffled, eerie whump everything quiets down and the deadly calmness creeps inside the Ivory Tower, like a vicious snake. It’s too quiet…

When the Princess is on a rampage, fighting her inner demons, it usually lasts for around twenty minutes. But now, nothing happens. Mirage idles on the same spot, perking up the ear for even the slightest of noises. The earth pony can feel it in the very air that something is wrong. He gulps and walks to Celestia’s door with careful steps, like disturbing the silence would come with dire consequences.

“Princess?” Mirage says quietly.

He doesn't get any response, he repeats it a bit louder. Still nothing. As many times in the past, Mirage finds himself tussling with his own self. One part of him suggests to leave, go back to his room, it’s just another meltdown of the alicorn.

The other half tells him something’s definitely not right and urges him to proceed. A few minutes pass by until the cobalt stallion makes up his mind. He reaches out for the knob and… to his surprise; the door opens for a bit.
Mirage enters the room once more. He moves carefully, exactly like last time. Nothing seems to have changed since them. The same ambivalent atmosphere billows around the premise. The stallion doesn't find the Princess in the first two rooms. Then he spots her.

Celestia’s lying unconsciously on her back. There’s a pile of debris under her which was a dining table before. Her extended wings, resemble a pair of arms opened for a hug. Mirage approaches the white alicorn. He can barely see in the thickening darkness. The Princess doesn't move. At first, the royal blue earth pony thinks she’s dead. His face goes ashen by this possibility.

I have to make sure! Mirage thinks and moves even closer. He lowers his head and puts his ears close to Celestia’s chest. He can’t hear anything, so he puts his entire right cheek on the alicorn’s chest. He can feel the warmth coming from her body now.

What a strong heartbeat! Like a grandfather clock… the cobalt stallion acknowledges silently. He lingers in this pose a little longer than necessary. He oddly finds the heartbeat of the Princess relaxing. Mirage feels his senses are calming down.

He tries to move Celestia to her bed when he notices the paper-knife. It’s still on the same spot where it was. And just like last time, he toys with the thought of putting an end to all of this. It feels much more easier now… He gazes at the solar goddess for a while. He reaches out and gently touches her face and turns it to the other side. The black scars on her right cheek seem less intimidating than last time… Suddenly Celestia’s eyelids flutter a bit. The stallion sighs. This tiny sign of life from the Princess was enough for him to make a decision. He glances at the paper knife once more.

“No. I’m not a rat.” he whispers and feels like he’s ascended beyond himself, vanquishing his own specters from the past.

He would like to scream out loud: Mother! Your curse of hatred is broken!

As he looks at the vulnerable, unconscious Princess, he realizes that no matter how much power she holds… she’s just a pony too.

“I… forgive you.” Mirage says quietly and now that he said it, it’s like living, solid certainty.


*lyrics of the song "What I've Done" by Linkin Park