i really don't wanna review this movie. i really, REALLY don't wanna review it. but since i had the balls to go and watch it.... this is my review/rant on the one and only..... Norm of the North..... god, help me!

so, Norm of the North follows the story of Norm, a polar bear voiced Rob Schneider - cause why the fuck not? - who's the prince of the Arctic (i think?) and spends most of his time twerking (yea, you heard me right: the bear TWERKS!!) while listening to shitty pop songs on his iPod and saying some of the worst jokes i've ever heard! he's not like any other polar bear considering he doesn't know how to hunt, but he's still in line to be the king of the Arctic somehow. right up till one day, he finds out that his home's being ravished by this one corporation called Greene Homes, who're gonna start building houses and condos on the Arctic. so now, Norm heads off to NYC with his 3 lemmings in hopes of saving his home and finding a loved one. now, i'm pretty sure some of you are probably all like: "okay, doesn't sound too horrible. a bit generic and stupid, but nothing to rage about". but oh!! you don't know anything yet. the stupid premise is just the tip of the ice berg here! i mean, i literally don't know where the hell should i even start with this disgrace to animated movies! everything wrong with animated movies today is literally in this movie! not only is this a disgrace, but it's also the worst animated movie to get a wide theatrical release! seriously, almost everything you can think about in this movie fails so hard, it's just appalling!

first off, the animation's a absolute eye sore. this has to be one of the worst looking animated movies in years! not only is it incredibly ugly, but there are times where it looked unfinished. from the terrible rendering, bad lighting and unnatural character animation, to the shitty character designs and the butt-ugly backgrounds, there's literally nothing redeemable about the animation here. there are times when even the lip syncing is so off, it's almost impossible not to notice! seriously, the lip syncing in this movie makes the lip syncing in Hoodwinked 2 look competent.

but that's just the animation, guys.... trust me, it gets even worse from here! first off, all this movie does is tell a message. an environmental message. and not just any environmental message. a environmental message that the movie just loves hammering it down our throats EVERY. 2. FUCKING. MINUTES!! the entire point of this movie is to tell the audience to save the Arctic, while throwing anti-industrialism into the mix. why the hell would we ever wanna live in the Arctic? i have no god damn idea, cause it never bothers to answer. that makes the movie so preachy that it treats the audience like complete idiots, thinking that we always need a fucking reminder about what Norm should do. to make it worse, the movie fills itself with a huge pile of plot cliches, making the movie so predictable that it takes every single bit of enjoyment it could've had and some boring-ass scenes that go absolutely nowhere and are never mentioned again. but the worst thing this movie could do is scrapping the bottom of the comedy barrel with some of the absolute worst fucking gags i've ever seen! and it's not just your typical gas humor and poop jokes. you have no idea how low this movie goes just to get even a single stupid laugh.

that's when the characters kick in. first off, we got Norm who's trying to save the Arctic from destruction and to find his long-lost grandpa, who disappeared when he was a cub. oh wait, was that spoiler? well i don't give 2 shits about it, cause the movie doesn't deserve it at all. the entire joke with Norm is that: he can't hunt and he twerks! he twerks a lot throughout the movie! really, movie?! a fucking twerking joke?! that's the best they got?! and Norm has other traits the movie forgot to explain, like: why's he able to talk to humans when the other animals don't? why should we know about his love interest and for him being the next king of the Arctic? who the fuck knows, cause the movie clearly DOESN'T! then, we got the so-called "3 lemmings", who're probably the worst trio of comic reliefs i've seen in a really long time! let me tell you: these 3 little shit heads are the reason why the humor's so god awful. they're nothing but obvious Minion rip-offs, but that fails cause they don't have any of the charm, quality or likability of the Minions. i swear, there's this one scene where the 3 shitheads take a piss in a fish tank, and it's so drawn-out and so unbearable, that i felt like i wanted to shoot myself.
and then, we got Mr. Greene. the villain of the movie with nonsensical plans about building condos on the Arctic and can be obnoxiously over-the-top with the way he moves. well, what do ya know? he's also trying to rip-off Chester V from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, a much better movie i wish i was watching right now. as for the rest, i just don't fuckin' care! they're so pointless that the movie would stay the same if you took them outta it. and let's not forget the fact that - according to this movie - New York City is populated by the most brain dead people you could think of. they either see Norm as a guy in a bear suit or even a actual talking bear, and somehow they're totally fine with it. are you fucking serious?!

ugh, i'm done. i'm fucking done talking about this travesty. Norm of the North is truly awful! it's literally the worst animated movie i've seen in theaters! the animation's disgusting, the writing's abysmal, the jokes are at their absolute worst, the characters are unlikable, idiotic and brain-dead and the environmental message is unbearable. now i can see why Anthony Bell and Crest Animations said "no" to this movie, and they did the right thing! this movie's so horrendous, i'm actually starting to sympathize a lot more with other bad movies like The Nut Job and Strange Magic. it's literally a whole new low for Rob Schneider's career. and if somebody out there defends it with bullshit excuses like "It's just for kids", can i ask: who the fuck are you talking about? kids 4 and under with a lack of IQ?! all the kids in my theater couldn't stand 5 minutes of this abomination, and i definitely don't blame them.

that's why Norm of the North most definitely gets a big F! and yea, i know. i don't think i've been this pissed at a animated movie ever since Swan Princess 5, but i'm not lying when i say: this movie broke me!