1. Twilight is the product of an immature writer. It reads like something out of my notebook from freshman year.
2. The only difference between Twilight and fanfiction.net is marginally better grammar.
3. And even that isn’t so great sometimes. English major fail.
4. I’ve read fanfiction that is lightyears better than Twitripe.
5. The prose is purple amethyst! Deep, luscious, dazzling amethyst that scintillates and glitters incandescently in the sun!
6. Not to mention, it’s also insanely repetitive.
7. THESAURUS ABUSE! Fancy words are not necessarily better words.
8. The storyline is trite and cliché.
9. The characters are trite and cliché.
10. Meyer doesn’t show, she tells. All of the characters’ traits (especially Bella’s) are told to the reader; we never see them in action.
11. Stephen King is right: “Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn.”
12. The apple: SYMBOLISM FAIL. The cover and the Bible-verse epigraph don’t relate to the story at all. Forbidden fruit? No. Just no.
13. Chagrin. Meyer keeps using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks it means.
14. The plot is weak to the point of being almost nonexistent.
15. What is there defies logic.
16. There is no deeper point to the books: they’re pure wish fulfillment.
17. The characters are all underdeveloped.
18. The characters are impossible to relate to on levels beyond “Bella has brown hair and she’s clumsy! Like me!” Which probably goes for more than half of tween girls.
19. Bella is an idealized, oh-so-special, can-do-no-wrong stand-in for both author and reader. In short, she’s a Mary Sue.
20. Another trait of Mary Sues is that they tend to have names depicting their special-ness. The name of Bella Swan, the ugly duckling, means…beautiful swan. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
21. If she’s so ordinary and plain, why are at least five guys drooling over her?
22. Clumsiness is not a character flaw. It’s a fake-out so Meyer can say, “See? She’s not perfect! She’s not a self-insert! She’s an independent character!”
23. She’s the protagonist and yet she manages not to learn anything or grow at all—throughout FOUR books. Compare a hero or heroine from any half-decent YA novel.
24. Edward’s much-gushed-over “perfection” is no substitute for the personality he lacks. In short, he’s a Gary Stu.
25. On top of that, he’s cold and dead. Ew. How is that hot?
26. If a real guy talked like Edward, any girl would laugh in his face.
27. Girls as young as elementary school are reading this. It’s giving them damaging ideas of what they should be—helpless, hopeless, dependent.
28. It’s also making them think that some knight on a white horse (or a vampire in a Volvo) is going to come sweep them off their feet. Sorry, kids—not gonna happen.
29. Also, love at first sight—yeah, right.
30. The side characters are either epic Sues (the Cullens) or pointless and flat.
31. Even those that could have had potential were ignored in favor of Boring and Sparkles.
32. VAMPIRES. DON’T. SPARKLE.
33. Vampires are supposed to be scary, not mushy-tween-romantic. They’re DEMONS, for God’s sake. SOULLESS. ETERNALLY DAMNED. DEMONS.
34. Vampires may be able to survive on only animal blood, but that doesn’t make them vegetarians.
35. Also, for said blood-drinking, they kind of need fangs. Even though fangs aren’t pretty.
36. RESEARCH: Meyer did not do it.
37. As any decent writer knows, working in an already-established mythos (in this case, that of vampire legend) means you have to know that mythos first. You need to read it, watch it, live it—believe me, I know this. Writers need a healthy respect for and knowledge of the bounds and expectations of the world they’re borrowing for a story. This goes for any pre-established mythos, including vampires.
38. And the same goes for werewolves—oh, excuse me, shapeshifters. Yeah.
39. What’s worse is taking an entire culture, the Quileutes, and fictionalizing it and its mythology to fit one’s whims.
40. Racist against Native Americans (they’re the “bad” werewolves, while the “good” vampires are all…freakishly, supernaturally pale. Ouch.)
41. If you’re going to write about a real place, make sure you get it RIGHT.
42. Why on earth would anyone go to high school for all eternity?
43. What’s with all the negative blonde stereotypes?
44. Hell, what’s with all the negative female stereotypes? This book is anti-feminist.
45. Bella is helpless. She’s a damsel in distress.
46. She can’t walk two feet without her precious Edward saving her.
47. In fact, she doesn’t have to do anything, because Edward will do it all for her.
48. She has no personality. Everything readers supposedly “learn” about her is told. We never see her “in action”, demonstrating this supposed personality. See Point 5.
49. No rules apply to her. At. All.
50. And despite all of these things that are supposed to be so great about her…she’s boring.
51. She whines constantly.
52. She faints at the sight of blood in Twilight…but can drink a cup of it straight in BD?
53. She tries to kill herself to hear Edward’s voice in her head.
54. She doesn’t do anything except angst.
55. She seems to have an irrational phobia of growing old. Which, y’know, has some unfortunate implications (ageism! ugly-ism!).
56. There are no strong, independent female characters in the series. Even Alice (who started out promising) only turns out to be obsessed with girly stuff.
57. None of them exhibit a desire for anything more than marriage and children.
58. There are heavy implications that people who are plain or ugly (Bella is not, no matter how many times she says it) are completely worthless.
59. Bella gives up college, a job, a human future, and her soul to be with Edward.
60. Her life loses all meaning without him, and she tries to kill herself when she leaves.
61. “Renesmee.” Just the name. Even Albus Severus is miles less stupid than that.
62. The birth scene. *shudders* EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW—
63. Also, the sheer absurdity of fading to black for the sex and leaving that in.
64. Meyer breaks her own rules.
65. By those rules, Renesmee shouldn’t exist. Yet she does.
66. And is an epic Mary-Sue. Seriously? Reading Tennyson?
67. And further screws over any tatters of vampire mythology that may have remained.
68. The whole bit where Jacob imprints on her is all sorts of wrong.
69. Imprinting is pedophilia.
70. And child grooming.
71. And just downright creepy. It’s a really perverted view of the concept of soul-mates.
72. It’s also sexist (as is the entire series)—the girls get no choice in the matter.
73. Sneaking into a girl’s room and watching her sleep isn’t romantic, it’s incredibly creepy and stalkerish and just plain wrong.
74. And if it was, say, Tyler instead of Edward—would that still be okay, Twilight fans?
75. Tweens take note: “perfect, wonderful gentlemen” do NOT screw with your car to keep you from seeing your friends.
76. Nor do they take you hostage.
77. Nor do they manipulate you to do and be what they want.
78. Edward is, then, emotionally controlling and—guess what?—abusive.
79. He has anger issues and takes them out on Bella.
80. The books promote unhealthy relationships in general. And that does matter.
81. Threatening/attempting suicide does not true love make.
82. Bella has no life (hobbies, friends, interests, motivations, desires) outside of Edward.
83. None of her other friends (Mike, Jessica, etc.) matter to her. At. All.
84. Neither do her parents, apparently—which is even more worrying.
85. In addition to generally not caring about them, she’s disrespectful and bitchy to her dad and condescending to her mom.
86. How come Charlie could take care of himself for years…until Bella got there?
87. Bella’s dad got her a car…and she’s bitchy about it because it was free. Way to be grateful.
88. Bella likes Edward because he’s hot; Edward likes her because she smells good. That’s not love, that’s lust.
89. Describing a character’s physical characteristics a few times: good. Describing how OMGZGORGEOUS a character is hundreds of times: god-awful.
90. It’s in first person. That’s not necessarily bad, except this first person is all inane babble about insignificant details of Bella’s life.
91. Good novels don’t have their origins in dreams and a few months of slapdash writing.
92. Incessant parallels to Romeo and Juliet (a satire on teenage stupidity!) and Wuthering Heights (which is more a study of mentally disturbed characters than “OMG, tru wuv!”) prove that Meyer totally missed the point of both works.
93. Actually, she just needs to stop comparing Twilight to any classic literature whatsoever.
94. Meyer/Bella’s fixation with Austen is incredibly ironic, considering Austen is everything (and more) that Twilight wants to be and fails miserably at.
95. Twilight is not, and will never be, “a great love story” or “a romance for the ages.” Bella and Edward will never ever be Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. They’re the FAIL version of a misinterpreted Cathy and Heathcliff (see point 92), but they’ll never be a true classic romantic couple.
96. If you’re going to build things up for an epic battle, actually have an epic battle.
97. On a similar note, I read somewhere that the reason there wasn’t one was because Meyer couldn’t bear to let any of her characters die. Good writers go where the story takes them, even if that means sacrificing some of their creations.
98. The cheesy fairy-tale ending. Just the last sentence has enough saccharine sweetness to initiate the gag reflex. Joy and sparkles and rainbows from here to eternity…no. Just no.
99. Bella didn’t sacrifice anything to earn that cheesy happy ending.
100. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty."
*Did I mention, there is no sex scene. In every vampire book there is sex. I mean really.
And don't get me started on sparkly vampires. Briam Stroker is crying in his grave.*