Ross: [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe: [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"


Carol: Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this
[shouts]
Carol: pot roast through it?"


Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.


Chandler: I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!


Ross: Okay, there you go.
Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.


Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?


Kate Miller: [they are doing a scene] I have a question about this scene.
The Director: Yes?
Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
[Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne]
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking.
Joey: Yeah.
Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate Miller: It does not say that in the script.
Joey: It does in mine!


Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!


Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.


Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.


Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?


Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.


Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller: [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller: [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.


Joey Tribbiani: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!


Phoebe: [Monica stares dreamily as Richard leaves the room] Oooh, I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy. I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.


[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: [squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?


Joey Tribbiani: [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!


Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks.
Monica: That is the unusual activity.


Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.


Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.


[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?


[repeated line]
Ross: We were on a break!


Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.


Ross: [holding a bottle of champagne] Gunther, six glasses!
Gunther: [hopeful] Six? You want me to join you?
Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five will be fine.
[Gunther walks away disappointed]
Ross: Boy I'm gonna get spit in my coffee, now.


Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I'm not macho.
Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.


Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games.
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents.


Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.


Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.


Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.


Julie: [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.
Chandler: Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?
Julie: Sorry.


Joey: [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.
[notices Rachel is also laughing]
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: [stifling laugh] No, 'homo'.


Mike Hanigan: You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
Ross: No...
Mike Hanigan: Oh okay. You just have that look.
Ross: [to himself] Damn SuperCuts!


[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica: Sex!
Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler: It's like a big hug.
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross: Sex!
Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!


[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day.
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross: Or, something to remember me by...


[Monica knocks]
Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?


[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica, Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
Joey: Yes!


Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?
Monica, Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... ”We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: [to Monica] Shouldn't we call the spitter?


[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.


Eddie: [Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
Chandler: No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.


Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.


Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler: ...No.


[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
Joey: Aw, man. He took the five of spades.
[looks through deck]
Joey: No, here it is.


Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.


[Chandler's key broke in Monica's door]
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I love you too.
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now?
Monica: Um... no?
Chandler: Uh... yeah, yeah, me neither.


Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.


[Ross is wearing a white suit]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?


Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom.
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.


Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.