I wrote this in the vain hope that my friends would want to do another film but to no avail. So I decided to post it on Fanpop. Hope you guys like it.
Scene 1: [Day 1: Daytime at a rural property. A 4-wheel-drive with lights and siren blaring pulls up. Lindsay Boxer and Warren Jacobi get out and walk up to the front door. Camera follows L+W to the door. They knock and Alex opens the door]
Lindsay: I’m Inspector Lindsay Boxer and this is my partner Inspector Warren Jacobi. We’re here to arrest Stevie for the murders of Claire and Tess McCloud.
[Outside the house Stevie is picking up her BMX, hoisting herself up onto her BMX and riding off.]
Alex: [Nervously] um…Stevie’s not here at the moment.
[Lindsay and Warren hear foot steps taking off then the crunch of tyres on dirt. They take off at a run through the house while pulling their guns out of their holsters.]
Lindsay: [Shouts] Freeze Police!
[Stevie pedals faster]
Stevie: [Whisper] Come on, faster! Do not let yourself get caught.
Warren: [Shouts] Stevie. Stop right there. Don’t make us shoot you!
[Stevie gives in and stops. The sound of screeching brakes are heard]
Lindsay: Put you hands in the air. You’re under arrest for the murders of Claire and Tess McCloud. You will also be charged with resisting arrest and your boyfriend will be charge for obstruction of justice.
[Warren cuffs Stevie and pats her pockets]
Warren: You have the right to remain silent, anything that you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
[Lindsay begins to feel light headed. Lindsay’s POV: everything is hazy. Lindsay screams out in pain, clutching her head then promptly passes out]
Warren: [Loud] Boxer…Boxer! Lindsay, are you alright? Oh God.
[Warren pulls out his walkie-talkie and radios in for EMTs]
Warren: This is Inspector Warren Jacobi requesting medical attention no shots fired.
[End scene]
Scene 2: [Emergency room at PPTH. A gurney is rush in with Boxer on it and Warren in toe. An EMT is shouting out stats to Dr Cameron]
EMT: [Shouting] Mid-thirties, Caucasian female, passed out while on duty, cause of loss of consciousness extreme head pain. BP 90 over 60, O2 93, breath sounds equal, heart rate at 56 and temperature of 98.6 F.
Cameron: Wheel her over here. [to Warren] You’re going to have to wait outside. [Pulls the curtain screen across to block Warren’s view]
EMT: Let’s get ready to move her.
Cameron: [To nurses and EMTs] On my count, one, two, three.
[Lindsay is moved from the ambulance gurney to a bed in the ER. EMTs leave]
Cameron: [To nurses] Okay, let’s get her hooked up to a heart rate monitor, pulse ox, hang an IV and push fluids wide open. Oh and put her on an O2 mask
Warren: [Outside the trauma room, he is dialling numbers on his phone] Lieutenant, Boxer passed out while we were arresting the murderer, don’t worry we got the guy before she passed out. We’re at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
Cameron: [To nurses] Start her on steroids for the headache and ibuprofen for the swelling. Get a MRI of her head and tox screen.
Warren: [On phone] Claire, Lindsay passed out while on a bust with me. We’re at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, get the girls together and hurry over I’m sure that Lindsay would appreciate you guys being with her.
[Curtain is pulled back and Warren is allowed to see Lindsay. Lindsay has an IV in her left hand and is hooked up to a heart monitor]
[End scene]
Scene 3: [Cameron is walking down a hallway to the Diagnostics Office]
Cameron: [Enters House’s office] Got a case?
House: Nope.
Cameron: I have a case you might be interested in. Patient experienced so much pain that she passed out.
House: Boring.
Cameron: The pain wasn’t caused by trauma.
House: Less boring. Still not taking the case.
Cameron: Patient is a cop. Homicide. [Hands House four files]
House: Well played, sir. [Takes the files, walks into the conference room and stands infront of the whiteboard]
[Cameron looks pleased, follows House into the conference room and takes a seat in the back on the room]
Scene 3-2: [Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman are sitting at the conference table as House enters. Kutner is sitting at the head of the table with his feet on the table and his lab coat is hung over the back of his chair. Thirteen is sitting to his right flicking through some of House’s mail and Taub is on Kutner’s left reading a medical journal. Foreman is sitting at the computer]
House: [Tosses a file to each of them except Foreman and Thirteen fumbles while grabbing her copy] Interesting case today fresh from the ER. [Nods at Cameron] Homicide Inspector Lindsay Boxer was brought into the ER because she experienced so much pain that she passed out. [Hang his cane from the whiteboard and writes ‘COP’ then ‘head pain’ and ‘rage’ underneath it while talking to his team] Thoughts?
Thirteen: [Leans forward] Pain’s not limited to her head could be –
Kutner: The pain comes from tackling endless criminals to the ground.
Thirteen: Concussion?
Kutner: MRI is clean.
Taub: Could be adrenal gland tumour which could create excess adrenaline that causes the head pain and rage.
House: Doesn’t explain the personality. Its cluster headaches, she’s been having them for years.
Taub: If that were true she’d have swelling around the eyes.
[House writes ‘personality’ on the whiteboard]
Cameron: We gave her ibuprofen which would knock down the swelling.
House: Ibuprofen is useless for this pain.
Cameron: We started her on steroids which are normal treatment for cluster headaches.
House: Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start her on blood thinners and Foreman give her noggin transcranial magnetic stimulation. [Unhooks his cane from the whiteboard]
[Team gets up and leaves the office. Cameron gets up and walks over to House]
Cameron: All it took for you to take the case was for me to mention that she’s a cop.
House: No, if you said that she was a cop I wouldn’t have taken the case but you said that she’s a homicide cop. Much more interesting than just a cop. Besides I can ask her lots of questions about her job which gives me a valid reason to get out of clinic duty.
Cameron: Right. [Walks out of the office and down the hallway]
[End scene]
Scene 4: [TMS Room where Foreman is administering TMS. Lindsay (now fully conscious) is sitting in a chair while Foreman is holding a plastic probe above Lindsay’s head. There is a monitor showing pictures of Lindsay’s brain.]
Lindsay: This isn’t going to turn me into a vegetable?
Foreman: It’s safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain.
Lindsay: Is there anything that you can do for the other pain? My shoulders and my stomach are killing me. I can barely bend my fingers.
Foreman: You’re already on pain meds.
Scene 4-2: [Claire, Cindy and Jill are running up to Kutner and Warren who are waiting outside the TMS room]
Cindy: [Slightly out of breath] We’re here. What’s wrong with Lindsay?
Warren: This is Claire, Cindy and Jill; they’re friends of Lindsay.
Kutner: Hi, Lindsay is suffering from cluster headaches and Foreman is giving her head transcranial magnetic stimulation. Cluster headaches can persist for years the cause irritability or even hostility towards others.
Claire: You mean the headaches are affecting her personality?
Kutner: If the treatments work it could possibly change her personality.
[The girls and Warren look stunned]
Jill: So it’s possible that she will be a different person.
Kutner: Not totally different but different none the less.
[End scene]
Scene 5: [Day 2: In the Diagnostics Office. House at the whiteboard with his cane hung over it. Foreman is standing at the counter making coffee, Thirteen is sitting at the conference table reading patient’s file, Taub is sitting on her right and Kutner is on her left with a pen behind his ear.]
Kutner: Blood thinners didn’t work.
Foreman: TMS didn’t work either, it’s not cluster headaches.
Thirteen: Could be haemochromatosis?
House: Doesn’t explain the personality.
Thirteen: Hypothyroidism?
House: She’s not getting aggressive and lethargic; she’s getting aggressive and agressiver.
Taub: Ruptured dermoid cyst?
House: No fat in the ventricles. Its cluster headaches.
Kutner: Normal treatment didn’t work; abnormal treatment didn’t work.
House: Treatments don’t always work but symptoms never lie. Set the patient up for an abdominal ultrasound.
Scene 6: [Patient’s room. House is running the ultrasound wand over Lindsay’s stomach while looking at the screen. House sees something on the ultrasound screen but doesn’t say anything.]
House: So…What’s it like being a cop?
Lindsay: I’m not a cop, I’m a Homicide Inspector. There’s a difference!
House: That’s not an answer, that’s an evasion.
Lindsay: I like the job, chasing criminals, working cases, interrogation and busts. It’s all in a days work. I love watch the criminals squirm in interrogation.
House: You have a gun, right?
Lindsay: Yep, never leave home without it. In fact I think I have it in the drawer over there. [Points at the drawers next to the bed]
House: [Moves over to the drawer] Can I see it?
Lindsay: Yep.
House: [Opens the drawer and pulls out Lindsay’s gun] Bitchin’!
House: [Grasps gun and point’s it at nothing in particular] Freeze!
Lindsay: You’re holding it wrong. [Shows the stance using an air gun] Grasp the gun with two hands and bring it up to your eyes. Then squeeze the trigger gently but not now.
House: This better?
Lindsay: Yep. Now that the gun thing is out of the way, what’s wrong with me?
House: You’re suffering from cluster headaches.
Lindsay: Then why are you ultrasounding my stomach?
House: To prove my team wrong and me right.
Lindsay: [Hesitantly] Okay.
[End scene]
Scene 7: [Diagnostic Office. House walks in. The team is seated at the conference table.]
House: She has undersized ovaries! Her other secondary sexual characteristics are normal. Which means that I’m right about the cluster headaches.
Thirteen: But wrong about what caused them. A vascular problem in a major artery wouldn’t cause hypogonadism.
House: What causes rage, head pain, personality disorder and hypogonadism? Female genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland?
Thirteen: Being a cop could result in a couple of blows to head which could cause hypothalamic lesions.
House: It’s not lesions; her temperature would be all over the shop. Symptoms don’t lie.
Taub: Craniopharygioma?
House: Biopsy her pituitary.
[End scene]
Scene 8: [Patient’s room. 13 and Kutner are explaining the procedure to Lindsay. The girls and Warren are sitting at the back of the room.]
Lindsay: [Hint of anger] No way are you touching my brain.
Thirteen: It’s a straightforward procedure. We thread and endoscopic tube up through the nostril –
Lindsay: And cut something out of my brain? No way.
Thirteen: If it’s a tumour, it could kill you.
Lindsay: [Pleading] Is there anything else that you can give me?
Claire: Just do the surgery, Linds.
Lindsay: I want to be absolutely sure that there’s nothing else that they can do that doesn’t result in them cutting something out of my brain.
Kutner: There is something else. I have to check with House first, though.
[Thirteen and Kutner leave the room]
[End scene]
Scene 9: [Cuddy’s Office. House enters her office and Cuddy is sitting at her desk immersed in paperwork.]
House: I need to give a patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?
Cuddy: [Sarcastic] Yeah, no problem.
[House gets up to leave.]
Cuddy: I was being sarcastic.
House: Wouldn’t look that way in the court transcripts. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.
Cuddy: I hope you’ve considered that she could psychogenic experience and maybe suffer a fit of severe paranoia.
House: Well, now I have. But it’s better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes is than me.
Cuddy: Low dose. No more than 10 milligrams. Tightly control setting.
[End scene]
Scene 10: [Lindsay’s room. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner are explaining the mushroom treatment to Lindsay. The girls and Warren are standing near Lindsay.]
Kutner: Research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can help to stop cluster headaches.
Lindsay: When do I get them?
Claire: I know about mushrooms and their side effects. I’ve seen many people shoot themselves while on mushrooms.
Warren: I’ll take her gun away from her while she’s being treated.
Thirteen: We’ll be monitoring her but cardiac arrest is probable.
Jill: If the mushrooms don’t work?
Taub: The next step would be a kind of brain surgery.
Jill: Jesus.
Lindsay: [Clutches head] Head’s starting to hurt. Can I have ‘em now?
Scene 11: [Taub and Thirteen are monitoring Lindsay while she ‘trips’]
Lindsay: [Clearly wasted] Check out the colours.
Taub: How’s the pain?
Lindsay: Hey, hey. [Lindsay’s POV: Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Taub and Thirteen]
Thirteen: Your head. How’s the pain?
Lindsay: [Slurring] It’s the opposite of pain.
Thirteen: That means your suffering from cluster headaches which means that House was right.
[End scene]
Scene 12: [Lindsay’s room later that day. Lindsay is sober and seated in bed.]
Thirteen: We need to biopsy your pituitary gland to check for craniopharyngioma.
Lindsay: I thought that the mushrooms would take care of the cluster headaches.
Kutner: They did but because of your undersized ovaries House thought it would be best to proceed with the biopsy anyway.
Lindsay: Just give me more mushrooms!
Claire: Come on Linds; just do what the doctors say. I’m with them on this.
Lindsay: [Points at Thirteen, Taub and Kutner] You don’t touch me, alright?
Cindy: Please Linds. Do it for us.
Taub: I’m going to give her a sedative. [Turns]
Lindsay: [Sleepily] You’re decent looking, Dr Kutner. [Glazed eyes] Why don’t you take her for a ride? [Gesturing to Thirteen]
Thirteen: Lindsay…
[Lindsay’s POV: Kutner looks at the camera, his voice slow and deep]
Kutner: Are you in pain?
[Lindsay’s POV: white light engulfs Kutner’s face. Lindsay’s eyes roll back into her head and she flops backward, unconscious.]
Jill: [Worried] Lindsay!
Taub: Heart rate’s normal, respiration’s even.
Cindy: What’s happening? What’s wrong with her?
Kutner: [Pulls out his flashlight and shines it in her eyes then her gums. They’re yellow] She’s jaundiced. Her liver’s shutting down.
Scene 13: [Day 3: Diagnostic Office, the whiteboard now has personality, rage, head pain, hypogonadism and liver failure written on it. House stands infront of the whiteboard while Thirteen, Taub and Kutner stand behind him.]
Kutner: Her liver is operating at 20% and deteriorating fast.
House: What causes personality disorder, head pain, rage, hypogonadism and liver failure?
Taub: Liver failure can cause hypogonadism and head pain. Altered mental status leads to personality disorder and rage. Now all we have to figure out is what caused the liver failure.
House: Yes, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today.
Thirteen: If her liver’s failing now, means that it wasn’t great yesterday.
House: Okay, let’s go with the liver and a time-machine theory. Foreman, what causes liver problems?
Foreman: Wilson’s disease.
Kutner: No. Ceruloplasim’s normal.
Thirteen: No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer.
Taub: Could be narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.
House: Most liver damage occurs from what we put in our bodies.
Foreman: Alcohol.
Thirteen: No. Blood tests were negative.
Taub: No signs of drugs use.
Thirteen: Or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen.
House: So if it’s not the bad stuff then what about the good things?
Kutner: She was raised a vegetarian.
House: Was raised. She’s not a vegetarian anymore.
Taub: Started eating red meat once she joined the force.
Thirteen: Unless she’s been buying cuts of mad cow, her body would have no trouble metabolizing it.
House: She would if she had an OTC deficiency. Body can’t metabolize the nitrogen, damages the liver. Set up a hamburger test.
[Team looks puzzled]
House: It’s exactly what it sounds like. Stuff her full of meat and wait for her ammonia levels to spike.
[Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman get up and leave the office]
Scene 14: [ICU. Lindsay (jaundiced) is sitting up in bed with a plate of three hamburgers on a tray in front of her. Thirteen, Kutner and Taub are standing on either side of Lindsay’s bed.]
Lindsay: This isn’t a medical procedure. This is trying to make me puke.
Kutner: We need to see how your liver processes the protein.
Lindsay: Then get me roast beef.
Claire: What if I make her something from home and bring it here?
Taub: It has to be prepared her so that we know that there aren’t any chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results.
Lindsay: I’m not eating anything that’s been prepared by hospital staff on minimum wage.
Thirteen: [Snaps] Shut up! Either you start eating these or I strap you to this bed and shove these done you throat.
Lindsay: [Fake cough] You can’t get angry at me, I’m sick.
Thirteen: [On intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints.
Nurse: [On intercom] Right away.
Thirteen: [Looking directly at Lindsay] Trust me it’ll be easier if you do it yourself.
[With a resentful look on her face she picks up on of the burgers and takes a bite.]
[End scene]
Scene 15: [Clinic (exam room 2). House is reading ‘Twilight’ with his feet propped up on the exam room chair and a red lollypop in his mouth.]
House: [Muses] I didn’t think that Edward was that good with words.
[Cuddy walks in]
Cuddy: You’re supposed to be on clinic duty not catching up on the latest instalment of… [Looks at cover] ‘Twilight’. House get you arse off that chair and to the Nurses’ Station, grab a file and diagnose the patient. [Walks out]
[House walks out of exam room 2 and up to the Nurses’ Station to grab a file]
House: [To himself] This guy is a doctor… hmm… This could be interesting.
[Walks into exam room 1 where a man in his mid 30s and a lovely younger woman with blonde hair are waiting.]
House: Hello, I’m Dr House and you two are?
Dr Who: I’m the Doctor and this is Rose.
House: You’re a doctor, so what’s your specialty?
Dr Who: Aliens and monsters.
House: Right? So what brings you here?
Dr Who: I’ve been feeling under the weather for awhile so I thought that I’d come and get myself checked out.
House: [Pulls out his stethoscope and puts it in his ears] Let’s check the ticker. [Puts the chest piece against Dr Who’s chest]
Dr Who: Anything wrong?
House: [Moves the chest piece around] Oh my God! You have two hearts. That’s not normal which makes you interesting. The clinic has finally bought me something interesting! [Excitement builds]
Dr Who: Why does having two hearts make me interesting?
Rose: Humans only have one heart. I thought I explained that to you already.
House: What does that make you?
Dr Who: I’m the last Time Lord and an alien but don’t worry I perfectly harmless except for this. [Pulls out his sonic screwdriver]
House: What’s that…A pen?
Rose: It’s a sonic screwdriver!
House: A sonic screwdriver???
Dr Who: Yes. [Brandishes the sonic screwdriver]
House: [Almost childlike] What does it do?
Dr Who: It can resonate concrete, open/lock doors, recognise different species and it makes a cool sound.
House: Show me.
Dr Who: [Gets up from the chair and moves to the door.] Check this out. [Points it at the door there is a soft buzzing noise and then the click of the door lock]
House: Now that the door is locked I’m safe from Cuddy. Thanks Doctor!
Dr Who: Getting back to my health. What’s wrong?
House: Judging by the fact that you have two hearts I’d say that you’re fine. Just drink some hot tea, have a nap and you’ll feel better.
Dr Who: Thank you Dr House. [Zaps the door with his sonic screwdriver, unlocks it and walks out.]
Rose: Bye Dr House. [Waves and exits after the Doctor]
[End Scene]
Scene 16: [Nurses’ Station. House is exiting the exam room to find his team waiting for him.]
Thirteen: Hamburger stress test showed no change in her ammonia levels.
Foreman: The liver is properly converting the ammonia into urea. She doesn’t have an OTC deficiency.
House: Starve her!
Kutner: And what are we looking for?
House: Diabetic steatosis would screw up her liver. Starve her overnight and see if her blood sugar pops.
Taub: If we mess with her blood sugar we could set off another rage.
House: Not a problem. [To Kutner] You can take her.
[House walks off and the team look at each other]
[End Scene]
Scene 17: [ICU. Lindsay is brandishing her IV pole and swings it at a nurse. Warren and the girls are trying to calm her down as Thirteen, Taub and Kutner run in.]
Lindsay: [Shouting] I want something to eat!
Claire: Linds, don’t.
Kutner: What happened?
Nurse: I was just going to get a urine sample but she went crazy.
[Thirteen gets a syringe and is loading it up with a sedative.]
Lindsay: I need something to eat!
[Lindsay sees Thirteen with a syringe in hand and points the pole in Thirteen’s direction]
Lindsay: You’re not sticking me with anything.
Thirteen: It’s just for a few more hours.
Cindy: [Almost crying] Linds, you’re gonna hurt yourself.
Lindsay: I’m gonna hurt you [Pokes the pole in Cindy’s direction]
Taub: Just let us get a urine sample and then we’ll leave you alone.
Lindsay: You want a sample. Here’s you damn sample.
Jill: Linds, don’t.
[Lindsay takes a piss on the hospital floor staining her hospital gown in the process. She smiles cheekily. Warren shakes his head. The urine changes colour to blood red.]
Claire: [Shocked] Oh my God!
Thirteen: Lindsay you need to get into bed right now.
[Lindsay looks down and sees that her gown is stained with blood.]
[End scene]
Scene 18: [Day 4: Diagnostic Office. Kutner is writing ‘KIDNEY FAILURE’ on the whiteboard]
Thirteen: Chem panel and urinalysis confirms that the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure. She’s on dialysis and she’s going to need it for the rest of her life.
House: Which is shortening as we speak.
Kutner: Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection.
Thirteen: Serology is negative.
Taub: Her uric acid level is slightly elevated.
Kutner: We’ve been stuffing her with meat and her kidneys are shot, of course her uric acid levels are going to be elevated.
Foreman: Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Cop’s got a genetic disorder.
House: Get the sequencing primers and see if it’s one of the ones that we can treat.
Thirteen: I’ll draw the blood then take it to the lab. [Leaves the office]
[End scene]
Scene 19: [ICU. Thirteen is preparing to draw blood from Lindsay while Claire, Cindy and Jill look on.]
Lindsay: [Drowsily] Is this a blood test for sexuality? [Drifts off]
Jill: What did you give her?
Thirteen: Sedative.
Claire: Did she need a sedative?
Thirteen: I did. Just shutting her up so that I can draw some blood in peace.
Cindy: You just walked in with that and you didn’t even give her a chance.
Thirteen: People are who they are.
Claire: She’s sick. Give her a break. The outbursts aren’t her fault.
Thirteen: If she had TB, it wouldn’t be her fault but I still wouldn’t let her cough on me.
[The girls look astonished but say nothing]
[End scene]
Scene 20: [Hallway. Thirteen is walking to the lab, she passes the ER. The camera doesn’t continue to follow Thirteen as she walks off camera it moves into the ER to see a flurry of activity.]
Cameron: Hang a bag of ringers lactate on bed 4.
Nurse: Right away. [Walks off]
[A trauma victim (Dean) comes in the ER on a gurney pushed by an EMT. Dean has multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen.]
Cameron: [Running over to Dean] Put him in trauma room 2. Nurse Brenda I need you in trauma room 2.
Brenda: Coming Dr Cameron. [Runs off]
[Camera sweeps across the ER and catches a glimpse of a man with red hair and his friend in a robot suit. It then returns to focus on Thirteen entering the Lab.]
Scene 21: [Lab. Thirteen has just entered to meet up with Kutner and Taub. Kutner and Taub have set up the sequencing primers ready for testing Lindsay’s blood.]
Kutner: Hey.
Thirteen: [Puts the blood into a centrifuge to spin it down] Have you guys thought about what genetic diseases to test her for.
Taub: Nope.
[They all put on glasses and Thirteen takes a seat next to Kutner.]
[The centrifuge beeps and dispenses the blood into small samples so that it can be tested.]
Kutner: Let’s get into it. I’ll test for hepatic fibrosis. Thirteen you test for MCADD and Taub test for Von Gierke Disease.
[Some time later]
Thirteen: Negative for MCADD.
Kutner: Negative for all hepatic markers
Taub: Negative for Von Gierke Disease.
[A primer beeps]
Kutner: [Looks at the monitor] Found something.
[They all look at him]
[End scene]
Scene 22: [Evening. House’s Office. House is packing his bag ready to go home when his team walks in.]
Kutner: She’s got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency which means she could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome.
Thirteen: But it’s a partial deficiency, so she might not have Kelly-Seegmiller.
House: Yes those are the two options. It is or it isn’t.
Taub: Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality.
Thirteen: If she had Kelley-Seegmiller she wouldn’t just be aggressive she’d self-mutilating. Chewing her lips and banging her head.
House: [Pulling on his jacket] Wonderful disease. Degenerative, fatal and incurable which is why Thirteen’s on the ‘not’ side.
Thirteen: That and symptoms don’t lie.
Taub: Kelley-Seegmiller sufferers self-mutilate when stressed.
Thirteen: [Turns to Taub] She’s in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, her life is sweet.
Taub: [Faces Thirteen] Her vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in her system thus slowing the disease’s progress.
House: So let’s speed it up.
Thirteen: Why?
House: So you’ll guy will stop fighting and so I don’t have to wait for respiratory failure. Taub, go find away to pull her friends away from her for awhile. I’m going to stress this cop until she bites off a finger. [Walks out of his office and down the hallway]
[The team look anxiously at one another]
[End scene]
Scene 23: [ICU. Lindsay is lying in bed, jaundiced and tired but awake. House enters with a dartboard in his hand and proceeds to put it up on a wall.]
Lindsay: They moved me to geriatrics? Who are you?
House: I’m Dr House and I’m gonna kick you arse all over this dartboard.
Lindsay: I’m too weak to –
House: Yeah we know if you consent I’m going to give you a shot of liquid energy. Adrenaline. [Jabs Lindsay in her arm]
Lindsay: Ow! I don’t want to play.
House: Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small ovaries also indicates... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big chicken. Please don't make me do the sound effect.
Lindsay: Provoking me into playing isn’t going to work.
House: I didn’t think I would need to. [Pulls out the pieces and hands three to Lindsay]
Lindsay: Age before cripple. I’m first. [Sits up in bed, takes aim and throws]
House: Nice shot but I thought that because you’re a cop you’d do better. [Picks up his dart and throws]
Lindsay: Just because I’m a cop doesn’t mean that I’m good at darts. [Watches House take a shot] Nice shot for a cripple. [Picks up her second dart and shoots]
House: Well at least that shot was better. [Takes his second shot]
Lindsay: Your shot isn’t bad for a cripple. [Gets ready for her third shot but falters and drops the dart]
[Monitors start beeping and Lindsay starts to convulse]
House: Crap! [Moves the darts away]
[A nurse rushes in and preps the crash cart]
House: She’s having a seizure, four milligrams IV Lorazepam.
Nurse: Right away doctor.
[End scene]
Scene 24: [Day 5: House’s Office. House is sitting at his desk with his team standing in front of him.]
Thirteen: Kelley-Seegmiller didn’t cause the seizure.
House: One more symptom and one less diagnosis.
Foreman: Amyloidosis causes seizures and the protein build up causes the organ failure.
Taub: Wouldn’t change her personality.
Kutner: It could be multiple conditions.
House: No way. It’s always one. [Moves to the Diagnostics Office next door and his team follow]
Kutner: Nothing explains the multitude of symptoms. We’ve obviously missed something, maybe she lied about some meds she took or she’s hiding something.
Thirteen: Why would she be hiding something?
Kutner: [Exasperated] I don’t know [beat] because she’s evil.
[Epiphany time]
House: What if the symptoms lied? [Walks over to the white board and crosses out ‘personality’] Now we’re only looking at an evil jerk with amyloidosis.
Foreman: You’re not being objective.
House: Amyloidosis was your idea.
Foreman: You were right, it doesn’t fit the symptoms.
House: Yes it does. [Erases ‘personality’ completely off the board then turns to Thirteen, Taub and Kutner] Flush her with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm and find a marrow donor.
[Foreman sighs and the team leaves]
[End scene]
Scene 25: [OR. Chase is performing the surgery on Lindsay while the team watches from behind Chase]
Chase: [Holding scalpel] I’m going to take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain or pressure.
Lindsay: I’m burning up why can’t you just knock me out?
Chase: I would but your body needs to be clear for the marrow transplant.
Lindsay: Hey Doctors up the back.
[The team looks up]
Lindsay: I know you’ve busted ass for me.
Kutner: It’s alright.
Lindsay: I wasn’t thanking you. I was gonna tell you that you guys really suck at this.
Taub: We’re doing our best.
Lindsay: That’s what I mean. Your best really sucks.
[Chase frowns and a collective sigh can be heard from the back.]
[End scene]
Scene 26: [Hallway. House is limping down the hallway and the team is running up to him to tell House the results of the biopsy.]
Thirteen: Nerve biopsy was clean so no evidence of amyloidosis.
House: It was Foreman’s idea so don’t give up on it so fast.
[Collectively walking as a group now]
Taub: She has a fever so if it’s two conditions at least one of those has got to be an infection. We should start her on antibiotics.
House: Is she having trouble breathing?
Kutner: Yeah, she has mucus in her chest from an infection.
House: Could also be from an amyloid build up. Keep her on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else.
[Taub is about to protest when House cuts him off]
House: Just do it.
[The team leaves, House puts his hands in his pocket and pulls out a dart. House plays with it in his hands and then has an epiphany.
House: [to himself] We dumped one symptom but forgot to add one.
[House limps of in the direction of Lindsay’s room]
[End scene]
Scene 27: [ICU. Lindsay’s room. Lindsay is just hanging on while the girls sit on the couch in varying positions. House enters carrying the dartboard and darts.]
House: Revenge time!
Claire: You joking right?
House: No. [Holds out two darts] Pick one.
Lindsay: I don’t want to play.
House: Pick one… [Points at the IV bag] Or this comes out. [beat] For all you know this could be really important.
[Lindsay points at House’s left hand to which House unclenches his fist. Lindsay weakly moves her hand up to take the dart when House grabs her thumb and pulls it backwards.]
Lindsay: [Groans] Ow!
Cindy: Stop it you’re hurting her.
House: Hurts right? Which is odd, because I’m really enjoying this. You hold the darts this way because you can’t bend your thumb.
[House disconnects the IV bag]
House: You don’t need this quite so much.
Jill: Your doctors said that she needs immunosuppressants.
House: They’re idiots; it’s not amyloidosis, its iron. You’ve got hemochromatosis. The body absorbs iron from food, but it can’t process it, can’t get rid of it. It builds up in the organs shutting them down one by one which caused all the symptoms. Including something that wasn’t a symptom.
[House limps over to a cabinet and continues to talk]
Claire: Those body aches weren’t from the job.
[House pulls out a scalpel and limps back]
House: Yep.
Claire: Her personality issues?
House: Sorry the iron’s innocent on that count. Lindsay’s a jerk. If you’d stayed off the meat you have half as much iron and be twice less…as dead.
[House takes the scalpel and jabs it into Lindsay’s wrist. Lindsay grunts and the girls seem shocked.]
House: [Calls] Oh nurse. [Pushes the code button on the wall and a bleeping sound is heard.] This patient is bleeding.
Cindy: Is she going to be okay?
House: She’ll need dialysis and need to get her blood drained every few months but she’ll live.
[The girls smile, House turns and leaves the room]
[End scene]
Scene 28: [A week later. Hall of Justice. Lindsay enters to the applause of he co-workers and Jacobi runs up to her]
Warren: Welcome back Boxer!
Lindsay: It’s good to be back, Jacobi.
Warren: We’ve booked Stevie for both murders and her partner for obstruction of justice.
Lindsay: Awesome!
Anna: [Voice] We’ve got a suspect coming in for interrogation.
Lindsay: Name?
Anna: [Voice] Peter Pevensie, suspected murderer.
[Peter is seen being lead to interrogation room 3 by two cops]
Lindsay: Thanks Anna. What room?
Anna: [Voice] Interrogation room 3.
Lindsay: On it. Come on Jacobi. [Walks off and Jacobi follows]
[End]
Scene 1: [Day 1: Daytime at a rural property. A 4-wheel-drive with lights and siren blaring pulls up. Lindsay Boxer and Warren Jacobi get out and walk up to the front door. Camera follows L+W to the door. They knock and Alex opens the door]
Lindsay: I’m Inspector Lindsay Boxer and this is my partner Inspector Warren Jacobi. We’re here to arrest Stevie for the murders of Claire and Tess McCloud.
[Outside the house Stevie is picking up her BMX, hoisting herself up onto her BMX and riding off.]
Alex: [Nervously] um…Stevie’s not here at the moment.
[Lindsay and Warren hear foot steps taking off then the crunch of tyres on dirt. They take off at a run through the house while pulling their guns out of their holsters.]
Lindsay: [Shouts] Freeze Police!
[Stevie pedals faster]
Stevie: [Whisper] Come on, faster! Do not let yourself get caught.
Warren: [Shouts] Stevie. Stop right there. Don’t make us shoot you!
[Stevie gives in and stops. The sound of screeching brakes are heard]
Lindsay: Put you hands in the air. You’re under arrest for the murders of Claire and Tess McCloud. You will also be charged with resisting arrest and your boyfriend will be charge for obstruction of justice.
[Warren cuffs Stevie and pats her pockets]
Warren: You have the right to remain silent, anything that you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
[Lindsay begins to feel light headed. Lindsay’s POV: everything is hazy. Lindsay screams out in pain, clutching her head then promptly passes out]
Warren: [Loud] Boxer…Boxer! Lindsay, are you alright? Oh God.
[Warren pulls out his walkie-talkie and radios in for EMTs]
Warren: This is Inspector Warren Jacobi requesting medical attention no shots fired.
[End scene]
Scene 2: [Emergency room at PPTH. A gurney is rush in with Boxer on it and Warren in toe. An EMT is shouting out stats to Dr Cameron]
EMT: [Shouting] Mid-thirties, Caucasian female, passed out while on duty, cause of loss of consciousness extreme head pain. BP 90 over 60, O2 93, breath sounds equal, heart rate at 56 and temperature of 98.6 F.
Cameron: Wheel her over here. [to Warren] You’re going to have to wait outside. [Pulls the curtain screen across to block Warren’s view]
EMT: Let’s get ready to move her.
Cameron: [To nurses and EMTs] On my count, one, two, three.
[Lindsay is moved from the ambulance gurney to a bed in the ER. EMTs leave]
Cameron: [To nurses] Okay, let’s get her hooked up to a heart rate monitor, pulse ox, hang an IV and push fluids wide open. Oh and put her on an O2 mask
Warren: [Outside the trauma room, he is dialling numbers on his phone] Lieutenant, Boxer passed out while we were arresting the murderer, don’t worry we got the guy before she passed out. We’re at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
Cameron: [To nurses] Start her on steroids for the headache and ibuprofen for the swelling. Get a MRI of her head and tox screen.
Warren: [On phone] Claire, Lindsay passed out while on a bust with me. We’re at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, get the girls together and hurry over I’m sure that Lindsay would appreciate you guys being with her.
[Curtain is pulled back and Warren is allowed to see Lindsay. Lindsay has an IV in her left hand and is hooked up to a heart monitor]
[End scene]
Scene 3: [Cameron is walking down a hallway to the Diagnostics Office]
Cameron: [Enters House’s office] Got a case?
House: Nope.
Cameron: I have a case you might be interested in. Patient experienced so much pain that she passed out.
House: Boring.
Cameron: The pain wasn’t caused by trauma.
House: Less boring. Still not taking the case.
Cameron: Patient is a cop. Homicide. [Hands House four files]
House: Well played, sir. [Takes the files, walks into the conference room and stands infront of the whiteboard]
[Cameron looks pleased, follows House into the conference room and takes a seat in the back on the room]
Scene 3-2: [Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman are sitting at the conference table as House enters. Kutner is sitting at the head of the table with his feet on the table and his lab coat is hung over the back of his chair. Thirteen is sitting to his right flicking through some of House’s mail and Taub is on Kutner’s left reading a medical journal. Foreman is sitting at the computer]
House: [Tosses a file to each of them except Foreman and Thirteen fumbles while grabbing her copy] Interesting case today fresh from the ER. [Nods at Cameron] Homicide Inspector Lindsay Boxer was brought into the ER because she experienced so much pain that she passed out. [Hang his cane from the whiteboard and writes ‘COP’ then ‘head pain’ and ‘rage’ underneath it while talking to his team] Thoughts?
Thirteen: [Leans forward] Pain’s not limited to her head could be –
Kutner: The pain comes from tackling endless criminals to the ground.
Thirteen: Concussion?
Kutner: MRI is clean.
Taub: Could be adrenal gland tumour which could create excess adrenaline that causes the head pain and rage.
House: Doesn’t explain the personality. Its cluster headaches, she’s been having them for years.
Taub: If that were true she’d have swelling around the eyes.
[House writes ‘personality’ on the whiteboard]
Cameron: We gave her ibuprofen which would knock down the swelling.
House: Ibuprofen is useless for this pain.
Cameron: We started her on steroids which are normal treatment for cluster headaches.
House: Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start her on blood thinners and Foreman give her noggin transcranial magnetic stimulation. [Unhooks his cane from the whiteboard]
[Team gets up and leaves the office. Cameron gets up and walks over to House]
Cameron: All it took for you to take the case was for me to mention that she’s a cop.
House: No, if you said that she was a cop I wouldn’t have taken the case but you said that she’s a homicide cop. Much more interesting than just a cop. Besides I can ask her lots of questions about her job which gives me a valid reason to get out of clinic duty.
Cameron: Right. [Walks out of the office and down the hallway]
[End scene]
Scene 4: [TMS Room where Foreman is administering TMS. Lindsay (now fully conscious) is sitting in a chair while Foreman is holding a plastic probe above Lindsay’s head. There is a monitor showing pictures of Lindsay’s brain.]
Lindsay: This isn’t going to turn me into a vegetable?
Foreman: It’s safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain.
Lindsay: Is there anything that you can do for the other pain? My shoulders and my stomach are killing me. I can barely bend my fingers.
Foreman: You’re already on pain meds.
Scene 4-2: [Claire, Cindy and Jill are running up to Kutner and Warren who are waiting outside the TMS room]
Cindy: [Slightly out of breath] We’re here. What’s wrong with Lindsay?
Warren: This is Claire, Cindy and Jill; they’re friends of Lindsay.
Kutner: Hi, Lindsay is suffering from cluster headaches and Foreman is giving her head transcranial magnetic stimulation. Cluster headaches can persist for years the cause irritability or even hostility towards others.
Claire: You mean the headaches are affecting her personality?
Kutner: If the treatments work it could possibly change her personality.
[The girls and Warren look stunned]
Jill: So it’s possible that she will be a different person.
Kutner: Not totally different but different none the less.
[End scene]
Scene 5: [Day 2: In the Diagnostics Office. House at the whiteboard with his cane hung over it. Foreman is standing at the counter making coffee, Thirteen is sitting at the conference table reading patient’s file, Taub is sitting on her right and Kutner is on her left with a pen behind his ear.]
Kutner: Blood thinners didn’t work.
Foreman: TMS didn’t work either, it’s not cluster headaches.
Thirteen: Could be haemochromatosis?
House: Doesn’t explain the personality.
Thirteen: Hypothyroidism?
House: She’s not getting aggressive and lethargic; she’s getting aggressive and agressiver.
Taub: Ruptured dermoid cyst?
House: No fat in the ventricles. Its cluster headaches.
Kutner: Normal treatment didn’t work; abnormal treatment didn’t work.
House: Treatments don’t always work but symptoms never lie. Set the patient up for an abdominal ultrasound.
Scene 6: [Patient’s room. House is running the ultrasound wand over Lindsay’s stomach while looking at the screen. House sees something on the ultrasound screen but doesn’t say anything.]
House: So…What’s it like being a cop?
Lindsay: I’m not a cop, I’m a Homicide Inspector. There’s a difference!
House: That’s not an answer, that’s an evasion.
Lindsay: I like the job, chasing criminals, working cases, interrogation and busts. It’s all in a days work. I love watch the criminals squirm in interrogation.
House: You have a gun, right?
Lindsay: Yep, never leave home without it. In fact I think I have it in the drawer over there. [Points at the drawers next to the bed]
House: [Moves over to the drawer] Can I see it?
Lindsay: Yep.
House: [Opens the drawer and pulls out Lindsay’s gun] Bitchin’!
House: [Grasps gun and point’s it at nothing in particular] Freeze!
Lindsay: You’re holding it wrong. [Shows the stance using an air gun] Grasp the gun with two hands and bring it up to your eyes. Then squeeze the trigger gently but not now.
House: This better?
Lindsay: Yep. Now that the gun thing is out of the way, what’s wrong with me?
House: You’re suffering from cluster headaches.
Lindsay: Then why are you ultrasounding my stomach?
House: To prove my team wrong and me right.
Lindsay: [Hesitantly] Okay.
[End scene]
Scene 7: [Diagnostic Office. House walks in. The team is seated at the conference table.]
House: She has undersized ovaries! Her other secondary sexual characteristics are normal. Which means that I’m right about the cluster headaches.
Thirteen: But wrong about what caused them. A vascular problem in a major artery wouldn’t cause hypogonadism.
House: What causes rage, head pain, personality disorder and hypogonadism? Female genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland?
Thirteen: Being a cop could result in a couple of blows to head which could cause hypothalamic lesions.
House: It’s not lesions; her temperature would be all over the shop. Symptoms don’t lie.
Taub: Craniopharygioma?
House: Biopsy her pituitary.
[End scene]
Scene 8: [Patient’s room. 13 and Kutner are explaining the procedure to Lindsay. The girls and Warren are sitting at the back of the room.]
Lindsay: [Hint of anger] No way are you touching my brain.
Thirteen: It’s a straightforward procedure. We thread and endoscopic tube up through the nostril –
Lindsay: And cut something out of my brain? No way.
Thirteen: If it’s a tumour, it could kill you.
Lindsay: [Pleading] Is there anything else that you can give me?
Claire: Just do the surgery, Linds.
Lindsay: I want to be absolutely sure that there’s nothing else that they can do that doesn’t result in them cutting something out of my brain.
Kutner: There is something else. I have to check with House first, though.
[Thirteen and Kutner leave the room]
[End scene]
Scene 9: [Cuddy’s Office. House enters her office and Cuddy is sitting at her desk immersed in paperwork.]
House: I need to give a patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?
Cuddy: [Sarcastic] Yeah, no problem.
[House gets up to leave.]
Cuddy: I was being sarcastic.
House: Wouldn’t look that way in the court transcripts. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.
Cuddy: I hope you’ve considered that she could psychogenic experience and maybe suffer a fit of severe paranoia.
House: Well, now I have. But it’s better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes is than me.
Cuddy: Low dose. No more than 10 milligrams. Tightly control setting.
[End scene]
Scene 10: [Lindsay’s room. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner are explaining the mushroom treatment to Lindsay. The girls and Warren are standing near Lindsay.]
Kutner: Research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can help to stop cluster headaches.
Lindsay: When do I get them?
Claire: I know about mushrooms and their side effects. I’ve seen many people shoot themselves while on mushrooms.
Warren: I’ll take her gun away from her while she’s being treated.
Thirteen: We’ll be monitoring her but cardiac arrest is probable.
Jill: If the mushrooms don’t work?
Taub: The next step would be a kind of brain surgery.
Jill: Jesus.
Lindsay: [Clutches head] Head’s starting to hurt. Can I have ‘em now?
Scene 11: [Taub and Thirteen are monitoring Lindsay while she ‘trips’]
Lindsay: [Clearly wasted] Check out the colours.
Taub: How’s the pain?
Lindsay: Hey, hey. [Lindsay’s POV: Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Taub and Thirteen]
Thirteen: Your head. How’s the pain?
Lindsay: [Slurring] It’s the opposite of pain.
Thirteen: That means your suffering from cluster headaches which means that House was right.
[End scene]
Scene 12: [Lindsay’s room later that day. Lindsay is sober and seated in bed.]
Thirteen: We need to biopsy your pituitary gland to check for craniopharyngioma.
Lindsay: I thought that the mushrooms would take care of the cluster headaches.
Kutner: They did but because of your undersized ovaries House thought it would be best to proceed with the biopsy anyway.
Lindsay: Just give me more mushrooms!
Claire: Come on Linds; just do what the doctors say. I’m with them on this.
Lindsay: [Points at Thirteen, Taub and Kutner] You don’t touch me, alright?
Cindy: Please Linds. Do it for us.
Taub: I’m going to give her a sedative. [Turns]
Lindsay: [Sleepily] You’re decent looking, Dr Kutner. [Glazed eyes] Why don’t you take her for a ride? [Gesturing to Thirteen]
Thirteen: Lindsay…
[Lindsay’s POV: Kutner looks at the camera, his voice slow and deep]
Kutner: Are you in pain?
[Lindsay’s POV: white light engulfs Kutner’s face. Lindsay’s eyes roll back into her head and she flops backward, unconscious.]
Jill: [Worried] Lindsay!
Taub: Heart rate’s normal, respiration’s even.
Cindy: What’s happening? What’s wrong with her?
Kutner: [Pulls out his flashlight and shines it in her eyes then her gums. They’re yellow] She’s jaundiced. Her liver’s shutting down.
Scene 13: [Day 3: Diagnostic Office, the whiteboard now has personality, rage, head pain, hypogonadism and liver failure written on it. House stands infront of the whiteboard while Thirteen, Taub and Kutner stand behind him.]
Kutner: Her liver is operating at 20% and deteriorating fast.
House: What causes personality disorder, head pain, rage, hypogonadism and liver failure?
Taub: Liver failure can cause hypogonadism and head pain. Altered mental status leads to personality disorder and rage. Now all we have to figure out is what caused the liver failure.
House: Yes, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today.
Thirteen: If her liver’s failing now, means that it wasn’t great yesterday.
House: Okay, let’s go with the liver and a time-machine theory. Foreman, what causes liver problems?
Foreman: Wilson’s disease.
Kutner: No. Ceruloplasim’s normal.
Thirteen: No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer.
Taub: Could be narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.
House: Most liver damage occurs from what we put in our bodies.
Foreman: Alcohol.
Thirteen: No. Blood tests were negative.
Taub: No signs of drugs use.
Thirteen: Or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen.
House: So if it’s not the bad stuff then what about the good things?
Kutner: She was raised a vegetarian.
House: Was raised. She’s not a vegetarian anymore.
Taub: Started eating red meat once she joined the force.
Thirteen: Unless she’s been buying cuts of mad cow, her body would have no trouble metabolizing it.
House: She would if she had an OTC deficiency. Body can’t metabolize the nitrogen, damages the liver. Set up a hamburger test.
[Team looks puzzled]
House: It’s exactly what it sounds like. Stuff her full of meat and wait for her ammonia levels to spike.
[Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman get up and leave the office]
Scene 14: [ICU. Lindsay (jaundiced) is sitting up in bed with a plate of three hamburgers on a tray in front of her. Thirteen, Kutner and Taub are standing on either side of Lindsay’s bed.]
Lindsay: This isn’t a medical procedure. This is trying to make me puke.
Kutner: We need to see how your liver processes the protein.
Lindsay: Then get me roast beef.
Claire: What if I make her something from home and bring it here?
Taub: It has to be prepared her so that we know that there aren’t any chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results.
Lindsay: I’m not eating anything that’s been prepared by hospital staff on minimum wage.
Thirteen: [Snaps] Shut up! Either you start eating these or I strap you to this bed and shove these done you throat.
Lindsay: [Fake cough] You can’t get angry at me, I’m sick.
Thirteen: [On intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints.
Nurse: [On intercom] Right away.
Thirteen: [Looking directly at Lindsay] Trust me it’ll be easier if you do it yourself.
[With a resentful look on her face she picks up on of the burgers and takes a bite.]
[End scene]
Scene 15: [Clinic (exam room 2). House is reading ‘Twilight’ with his feet propped up on the exam room chair and a red lollypop in his mouth.]
House: [Muses] I didn’t think that Edward was that good with words.
[Cuddy walks in]
Cuddy: You’re supposed to be on clinic duty not catching up on the latest instalment of… [Looks at cover] ‘Twilight’. House get you arse off that chair and to the Nurses’ Station, grab a file and diagnose the patient. [Walks out]
[House walks out of exam room 2 and up to the Nurses’ Station to grab a file]
House: [To himself] This guy is a doctor… hmm… This could be interesting.
[Walks into exam room 1 where a man in his mid 30s and a lovely younger woman with blonde hair are waiting.]
House: Hello, I’m Dr House and you two are?
Dr Who: I’m the Doctor and this is Rose.
House: You’re a doctor, so what’s your specialty?
Dr Who: Aliens and monsters.
House: Right? So what brings you here?
Dr Who: I’ve been feeling under the weather for awhile so I thought that I’d come and get myself checked out.
House: [Pulls out his stethoscope and puts it in his ears] Let’s check the ticker. [Puts the chest piece against Dr Who’s chest]
Dr Who: Anything wrong?
House: [Moves the chest piece around] Oh my God! You have two hearts. That’s not normal which makes you interesting. The clinic has finally bought me something interesting! [Excitement builds]
Dr Who: Why does having two hearts make me interesting?
Rose: Humans only have one heart. I thought I explained that to you already.
House: What does that make you?
Dr Who: I’m the last Time Lord and an alien but don’t worry I perfectly harmless except for this. [Pulls out his sonic screwdriver]
House: What’s that…A pen?
Rose: It’s a sonic screwdriver!
House: A sonic screwdriver???
Dr Who: Yes. [Brandishes the sonic screwdriver]
House: [Almost childlike] What does it do?
Dr Who: It can resonate concrete, open/lock doors, recognise different species and it makes a cool sound.
House: Show me.
Dr Who: [Gets up from the chair and moves to the door.] Check this out. [Points it at the door there is a soft buzzing noise and then the click of the door lock]
House: Now that the door is locked I’m safe from Cuddy. Thanks Doctor!
Dr Who: Getting back to my health. What’s wrong?
House: Judging by the fact that you have two hearts I’d say that you’re fine. Just drink some hot tea, have a nap and you’ll feel better.
Dr Who: Thank you Dr House. [Zaps the door with his sonic screwdriver, unlocks it and walks out.]
Rose: Bye Dr House. [Waves and exits after the Doctor]
[End Scene]
Scene 16: [Nurses’ Station. House is exiting the exam room to find his team waiting for him.]
Thirteen: Hamburger stress test showed no change in her ammonia levels.
Foreman: The liver is properly converting the ammonia into urea. She doesn’t have an OTC deficiency.
House: Starve her!
Kutner: And what are we looking for?
House: Diabetic steatosis would screw up her liver. Starve her overnight and see if her blood sugar pops.
Taub: If we mess with her blood sugar we could set off another rage.
House: Not a problem. [To Kutner] You can take her.
[House walks off and the team look at each other]
[End Scene]
Scene 17: [ICU. Lindsay is brandishing her IV pole and swings it at a nurse. Warren and the girls are trying to calm her down as Thirteen, Taub and Kutner run in.]
Lindsay: [Shouting] I want something to eat!
Claire: Linds, don’t.
Kutner: What happened?
Nurse: I was just going to get a urine sample but she went crazy.
[Thirteen gets a syringe and is loading it up with a sedative.]
Lindsay: I need something to eat!
[Lindsay sees Thirteen with a syringe in hand and points the pole in Thirteen’s direction]
Lindsay: You’re not sticking me with anything.
Thirteen: It’s just for a few more hours.
Cindy: [Almost crying] Linds, you’re gonna hurt yourself.
Lindsay: I’m gonna hurt you [Pokes the pole in Cindy’s direction]
Taub: Just let us get a urine sample and then we’ll leave you alone.
Lindsay: You want a sample. Here’s you damn sample.
Jill: Linds, don’t.
[Lindsay takes a piss on the hospital floor staining her hospital gown in the process. She smiles cheekily. Warren shakes his head. The urine changes colour to blood red.]
Claire: [Shocked] Oh my God!
Thirteen: Lindsay you need to get into bed right now.
[Lindsay looks down and sees that her gown is stained with blood.]
[End scene]
Scene 18: [Day 4: Diagnostic Office. Kutner is writing ‘KIDNEY FAILURE’ on the whiteboard]
Thirteen: Chem panel and urinalysis confirms that the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure. She’s on dialysis and she’s going to need it for the rest of her life.
House: Which is shortening as we speak.
Kutner: Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection.
Thirteen: Serology is negative.
Taub: Her uric acid level is slightly elevated.
Kutner: We’ve been stuffing her with meat and her kidneys are shot, of course her uric acid levels are going to be elevated.
Foreman: Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Cop’s got a genetic disorder.
House: Get the sequencing primers and see if it’s one of the ones that we can treat.
Thirteen: I’ll draw the blood then take it to the lab. [Leaves the office]
[End scene]
Scene 19: [ICU. Thirteen is preparing to draw blood from Lindsay while Claire, Cindy and Jill look on.]
Lindsay: [Drowsily] Is this a blood test for sexuality? [Drifts off]
Jill: What did you give her?
Thirteen: Sedative.
Claire: Did she need a sedative?
Thirteen: I did. Just shutting her up so that I can draw some blood in peace.
Cindy: You just walked in with that and you didn’t even give her a chance.
Thirteen: People are who they are.
Claire: She’s sick. Give her a break. The outbursts aren’t her fault.
Thirteen: If she had TB, it wouldn’t be her fault but I still wouldn’t let her cough on me.
[The girls look astonished but say nothing]
[End scene]
Scene 20: [Hallway. Thirteen is walking to the lab, she passes the ER. The camera doesn’t continue to follow Thirteen as she walks off camera it moves into the ER to see a flurry of activity.]
Cameron: Hang a bag of ringers lactate on bed 4.
Nurse: Right away. [Walks off]
[A trauma victim (Dean) comes in the ER on a gurney pushed by an EMT. Dean has multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen.]
Cameron: [Running over to Dean] Put him in trauma room 2. Nurse Brenda I need you in trauma room 2.
Brenda: Coming Dr Cameron. [Runs off]
[Camera sweeps across the ER and catches a glimpse of a man with red hair and his friend in a robot suit. It then returns to focus on Thirteen entering the Lab.]
Scene 21: [Lab. Thirteen has just entered to meet up with Kutner and Taub. Kutner and Taub have set up the sequencing primers ready for testing Lindsay’s blood.]
Kutner: Hey.
Thirteen: [Puts the blood into a centrifuge to spin it down] Have you guys thought about what genetic diseases to test her for.
Taub: Nope.
[They all put on glasses and Thirteen takes a seat next to Kutner.]
[The centrifuge beeps and dispenses the blood into small samples so that it can be tested.]
Kutner: Let’s get into it. I’ll test for hepatic fibrosis. Thirteen you test for MCADD and Taub test for Von Gierke Disease.
[Some time later]
Thirteen: Negative for MCADD.
Kutner: Negative for all hepatic markers
Taub: Negative for Von Gierke Disease.
[A primer beeps]
Kutner: [Looks at the monitor] Found something.
[They all look at him]
[End scene]
Scene 22: [Evening. House’s Office. House is packing his bag ready to go home when his team walks in.]
Kutner: She’s got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency which means she could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome.
Thirteen: But it’s a partial deficiency, so she might not have Kelly-Seegmiller.
House: Yes those are the two options. It is or it isn’t.
Taub: Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality.
Thirteen: If she had Kelley-Seegmiller she wouldn’t just be aggressive she’d self-mutilating. Chewing her lips and banging her head.
House: [Pulling on his jacket] Wonderful disease. Degenerative, fatal and incurable which is why Thirteen’s on the ‘not’ side.
Thirteen: That and symptoms don’t lie.
Taub: Kelley-Seegmiller sufferers self-mutilate when stressed.
Thirteen: [Turns to Taub] She’s in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, her life is sweet.
Taub: [Faces Thirteen] Her vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in her system thus slowing the disease’s progress.
House: So let’s speed it up.
Thirteen: Why?
House: So you’ll guy will stop fighting and so I don’t have to wait for respiratory failure. Taub, go find away to pull her friends away from her for awhile. I’m going to stress this cop until she bites off a finger. [Walks out of his office and down the hallway]
[The team look anxiously at one another]
[End scene]
Scene 23: [ICU. Lindsay is lying in bed, jaundiced and tired but awake. House enters with a dartboard in his hand and proceeds to put it up on a wall.]
Lindsay: They moved me to geriatrics? Who are you?
House: I’m Dr House and I’m gonna kick you arse all over this dartboard.
Lindsay: I’m too weak to –
House: Yeah we know if you consent I’m going to give you a shot of liquid energy. Adrenaline. [Jabs Lindsay in her arm]
Lindsay: Ow! I don’t want to play.
House: Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small ovaries also indicates... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big chicken. Please don't make me do the sound effect.
Lindsay: Provoking me into playing isn’t going to work.
House: I didn’t think I would need to. [Pulls out the pieces and hands three to Lindsay]
Lindsay: Age before cripple. I’m first. [Sits up in bed, takes aim and throws]
House: Nice shot but I thought that because you’re a cop you’d do better. [Picks up his dart and throws]
Lindsay: Just because I’m a cop doesn’t mean that I’m good at darts. [Watches House take a shot] Nice shot for a cripple. [Picks up her second dart and shoots]
House: Well at least that shot was better. [Takes his second shot]
Lindsay: Your shot isn’t bad for a cripple. [Gets ready for her third shot but falters and drops the dart]
[Monitors start beeping and Lindsay starts to convulse]
House: Crap! [Moves the darts away]
[A nurse rushes in and preps the crash cart]
House: She’s having a seizure, four milligrams IV Lorazepam.
Nurse: Right away doctor.
[End scene]
Scene 24: [Day 5: House’s Office. House is sitting at his desk with his team standing in front of him.]
Thirteen: Kelley-Seegmiller didn’t cause the seizure.
House: One more symptom and one less diagnosis.
Foreman: Amyloidosis causes seizures and the protein build up causes the organ failure.
Taub: Wouldn’t change her personality.
Kutner: It could be multiple conditions.
House: No way. It’s always one. [Moves to the Diagnostics Office next door and his team follow]
Kutner: Nothing explains the multitude of symptoms. We’ve obviously missed something, maybe she lied about some meds she took or she’s hiding something.
Thirteen: Why would she be hiding something?
Kutner: [Exasperated] I don’t know [beat] because she’s evil.
[Epiphany time]
House: What if the symptoms lied? [Walks over to the white board and crosses out ‘personality’] Now we’re only looking at an evil jerk with amyloidosis.
Foreman: You’re not being objective.
House: Amyloidosis was your idea.
Foreman: You were right, it doesn’t fit the symptoms.
House: Yes it does. [Erases ‘personality’ completely off the board then turns to Thirteen, Taub and Kutner] Flush her with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm and find a marrow donor.
[Foreman sighs and the team leaves]
[End scene]
Scene 25: [OR. Chase is performing the surgery on Lindsay while the team watches from behind Chase]
Chase: [Holding scalpel] I’m going to take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain or pressure.
Lindsay: I’m burning up why can’t you just knock me out?
Chase: I would but your body needs to be clear for the marrow transplant.
Lindsay: Hey Doctors up the back.
[The team looks up]
Lindsay: I know you’ve busted ass for me.
Kutner: It’s alright.
Lindsay: I wasn’t thanking you. I was gonna tell you that you guys really suck at this.
Taub: We’re doing our best.
Lindsay: That’s what I mean. Your best really sucks.
[Chase frowns and a collective sigh can be heard from the back.]
[End scene]
Scene 26: [Hallway. House is limping down the hallway and the team is running up to him to tell House the results of the biopsy.]
Thirteen: Nerve biopsy was clean so no evidence of amyloidosis.
House: It was Foreman’s idea so don’t give up on it so fast.
[Collectively walking as a group now]
Taub: She has a fever so if it’s two conditions at least one of those has got to be an infection. We should start her on antibiotics.
House: Is she having trouble breathing?
Kutner: Yeah, she has mucus in her chest from an infection.
House: Could also be from an amyloid build up. Keep her on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else.
[Taub is about to protest when House cuts him off]
House: Just do it.
[The team leaves, House puts his hands in his pocket and pulls out a dart. House plays with it in his hands and then has an epiphany.
House: [to himself] We dumped one symptom but forgot to add one.
[House limps of in the direction of Lindsay’s room]
[End scene]
Scene 27: [ICU. Lindsay’s room. Lindsay is just hanging on while the girls sit on the couch in varying positions. House enters carrying the dartboard and darts.]
House: Revenge time!
Claire: You joking right?
House: No. [Holds out two darts] Pick one.
Lindsay: I don’t want to play.
House: Pick one… [Points at the IV bag] Or this comes out. [beat] For all you know this could be really important.
[Lindsay points at House’s left hand to which House unclenches his fist. Lindsay weakly moves her hand up to take the dart when House grabs her thumb and pulls it backwards.]
Lindsay: [Groans] Ow!
Cindy: Stop it you’re hurting her.
House: Hurts right? Which is odd, because I’m really enjoying this. You hold the darts this way because you can’t bend your thumb.
[House disconnects the IV bag]
House: You don’t need this quite so much.
Jill: Your doctors said that she needs immunosuppressants.
House: They’re idiots; it’s not amyloidosis, its iron. You’ve got hemochromatosis. The body absorbs iron from food, but it can’t process it, can’t get rid of it. It builds up in the organs shutting them down one by one which caused all the symptoms. Including something that wasn’t a symptom.
[House limps over to a cabinet and continues to talk]
Claire: Those body aches weren’t from the job.
[House pulls out a scalpel and limps back]
House: Yep.
Claire: Her personality issues?
House: Sorry the iron’s innocent on that count. Lindsay’s a jerk. If you’d stayed off the meat you have half as much iron and be twice less…as dead.
[House takes the scalpel and jabs it into Lindsay’s wrist. Lindsay grunts and the girls seem shocked.]
House: [Calls] Oh nurse. [Pushes the code button on the wall and a bleeping sound is heard.] This patient is bleeding.
Cindy: Is she going to be okay?
House: She’ll need dialysis and need to get her blood drained every few months but she’ll live.
[The girls smile, House turns and leaves the room]
[End scene]
Scene 28: [A week later. Hall of Justice. Lindsay enters to the applause of he co-workers and Jacobi runs up to her]
Warren: Welcome back Boxer!
Lindsay: It’s good to be back, Jacobi.
Warren: We’ve booked Stevie for both murders and her partner for obstruction of justice.
Lindsay: Awesome!
Anna: [Voice] We’ve got a suspect coming in for interrogation.
Lindsay: Name?
Anna: [Voice] Peter Pevensie, suspected murderer.
[Peter is seen being lead to interrogation room 3 by two cops]
Lindsay: Thanks Anna. What room?
Anna: [Voice] Interrogation room 3.
Lindsay: On it. Come on Jacobi. [Walks off and Jacobi follows]
[End]
