Cal slowly came through his sleepy haze and immediately his hands started groping around for the soft warmth of his previous nights lover – Gillian – God, what a woman, he still couldn’t quite get over how abandoned she had become…
His still sleepy musings were cut into by the fact that his hands hand not found the object of his memories.
Lifting his head and scanning the room Cal was a little surprised to find no sign of her. He let his head drop back and grinned, probably already in the kitchen sorting out his breakfast in her normal ‘mothering’ way.
Throwing on a deep maroon silk wrap he quickly checked out the en suite, just to make sure, then made his way downstairs.
He only started to feel slightly concerned when he entered the kitchen to see just his daughter sitting munching her way through a piece of toast.
“Morning dad”
“’Ello luv, err, have you seen Gill around anywhere?”
“No – I thought she was still upstairs in bed – with you…”
Emily watched her fathers face become perplexed as he started looking around the kitchen.
“I don’t think she’s hiding in any of the cupboards dad, why don’t you ring her cell”
Turning, Cal headed back to the main room to locate where he had dumped his phone from the night before, it was only then he saw the white envelope on the coffee table with his name on it. The writing was recognisable instantly – Gills.
“Did you ring her yet?” Emily interrupted his puzzled stare.
“Na – no not yet luv. Are you alright for getting to school?”
“Got a ride thanx, they’re outside now – you ok dad?”
“Yeah, terrific luv. Don’t keep em waiting then, you got everything? got money? You going straight to your mums after school aren’t you?”
“Yeah yeah and yeah, c u dad, ring u later”
The last part of her answer was slightly lost as she exited the door.
Cal picked up the envelope and padded into the kitchen, placing it in the centre of the breakfast bar he decided he would make himself a good strong cup of coffee before reading the contents of the envelope.
Gillian was still fighting the onset of another torrent of tears as she threw the last of what she needed into a bag.
She had estimated that it would be about a 3 hour drive to get to the hotel that had just taken her open ended booking.
Still not quite being able to explain to herself why she had chosen the same hotel that she and Alec had spent the first night of their honeymoon in to make her escape to, she pushed back the question, along with all the other questions, fears, feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued her ever since she had made her manic flight from Cals bed, from his house a few hours earlier.
All she had to do now was concentrate on her driving, her route, her escape…….
Eventually, half way through the large mug of coffee, and unable to simply stare at it any longer, Cal picked up the envelope, carefully opened it and started to read the pages contained within.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Cal, My love, I am so sorry. Please don’t hate me for this.”
(Cal decided this was NOT a good start)
“Last night was the most wonderful night of my life.
It was too wonderful.
I don’t think I really ever knew what the words ‘making love’ meant until now.
I really don’t believe that you even know the full extent of what you made me feel last night, of what you taught me about my own body, you couldn’t possibly.
I don’t know how to explain this Cal, without hurting you, and PLEASE believe me, that is the very last thing in this world that I want to do, and yet, I know that my actions will do precisely that.
I will TRY and explain, but I don’t expect you to understand……
Everything that has happened recently, Matheson, Vegas, Afghanistan, and, the party…All of them left me with emotions that I had to hide. I couldn’t dismiss them, so I buried them.
But there was so much.
I think last night, with you, us, - I don’t know, it just seemed to release everything, and, after a few precious hours of the best sleep I have had in a long time, everything seemed to hit my brain at once.
It was like being trapped in an avalanche Cal. Am I making any sense at all here?
I’m sorry – this is so hard.
The biggest emotion of all seemed be fear. The bottled up fear of nearly having lost you so many times lately, and the fear of how intense my feelings were for you.
I can’t cope with it all at the moment. I love you – so much – but that scares me, it confuses me. I suddenly feel that I don’t know myself at all, that I have suddenly become a completely different person, and that person is a stranger to me.
I need time Cal.
Time to sort my brain out, to work out how to deal with all the new feelings that are screaming inside me, and I have to be alone to do that. It’s the only way I know how to do it.
So- my love- I have run away, a cowardly, and totally selfish action I know. I have to deal with my guilt with that as well.
PLEASE Cal, allow me this. Don’t try to come chasing after me, and DON’T start blaming yourself for any of this, please don’t. For once Dr Lightman, you are not the one to blame for any of this at all, so don’t go there PLEASE.
I WILL be careful. I WILL be safe, and I will be OK.
As soon as I can – I will be coming back to you Cal. I just hope that you will still want me, but if you don’t, I will understand.
I Love You So Much
Gill “
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At first he had no idea what he had just read. Certain words kept jumping around in his mind – “Scared” “Love” “Run away”
What the Hell………….
Dropping the pages back down Cal threw the rest of his now cold coffee down his throat, dropping down of the stool he walked over to the sink and ran the cold tap.
After a few minutes he accepted that no amount of cold water thrown on his face was going to make the words on the letter disappear.
It was now 08.30 am, and Cal headed for the whiskey bottle…….
His still sleepy musings were cut into by the fact that his hands hand not found the object of his memories.
Lifting his head and scanning the room Cal was a little surprised to find no sign of her. He let his head drop back and grinned, probably already in the kitchen sorting out his breakfast in her normal ‘mothering’ way.
Throwing on a deep maroon silk wrap he quickly checked out the en suite, just to make sure, then made his way downstairs.
He only started to feel slightly concerned when he entered the kitchen to see just his daughter sitting munching her way through a piece of toast.
“Morning dad”
“’Ello luv, err, have you seen Gill around anywhere?”
“No – I thought she was still upstairs in bed – with you…”
Emily watched her fathers face become perplexed as he started looking around the kitchen.
“I don’t think she’s hiding in any of the cupboards dad, why don’t you ring her cell”
Turning, Cal headed back to the main room to locate where he had dumped his phone from the night before, it was only then he saw the white envelope on the coffee table with his name on it. The writing was recognisable instantly – Gills.
“Did you ring her yet?” Emily interrupted his puzzled stare.
“Na – no not yet luv. Are you alright for getting to school?”
“Got a ride thanx, they’re outside now – you ok dad?”
“Yeah, terrific luv. Don’t keep em waiting then, you got everything? got money? You going straight to your mums after school aren’t you?”
“Yeah yeah and yeah, c u dad, ring u later”
The last part of her answer was slightly lost as she exited the door.
Cal picked up the envelope and padded into the kitchen, placing it in the centre of the breakfast bar he decided he would make himself a good strong cup of coffee before reading the contents of the envelope.
Gillian was still fighting the onset of another torrent of tears as she threw the last of what she needed into a bag.
She had estimated that it would be about a 3 hour drive to get to the hotel that had just taken her open ended booking.
Still not quite being able to explain to herself why she had chosen the same hotel that she and Alec had spent the first night of their honeymoon in to make her escape to, she pushed back the question, along with all the other questions, fears, feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued her ever since she had made her manic flight from Cals bed, from his house a few hours earlier.
All she had to do now was concentrate on her driving, her route, her escape…….
Eventually, half way through the large mug of coffee, and unable to simply stare at it any longer, Cal picked up the envelope, carefully opened it and started to read the pages contained within.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Cal, My love, I am so sorry. Please don’t hate me for this.”
(Cal decided this was NOT a good start)
“Last night was the most wonderful night of my life.
It was too wonderful.
I don’t think I really ever knew what the words ‘making love’ meant until now.
I really don’t believe that you even know the full extent of what you made me feel last night, of what you taught me about my own body, you couldn’t possibly.
I don’t know how to explain this Cal, without hurting you, and PLEASE believe me, that is the very last thing in this world that I want to do, and yet, I know that my actions will do precisely that.
I will TRY and explain, but I don’t expect you to understand……
Everything that has happened recently, Matheson, Vegas, Afghanistan, and, the party…All of them left me with emotions that I had to hide. I couldn’t dismiss them, so I buried them.
But there was so much.
I think last night, with you, us, - I don’t know, it just seemed to release everything, and, after a few precious hours of the best sleep I have had in a long time, everything seemed to hit my brain at once.
It was like being trapped in an avalanche Cal. Am I making any sense at all here?
I’m sorry – this is so hard.
The biggest emotion of all seemed be fear. The bottled up fear of nearly having lost you so many times lately, and the fear of how intense my feelings were for you.
I can’t cope with it all at the moment. I love you – so much – but that scares me, it confuses me. I suddenly feel that I don’t know myself at all, that I have suddenly become a completely different person, and that person is a stranger to me.
I need time Cal.
Time to sort my brain out, to work out how to deal with all the new feelings that are screaming inside me, and I have to be alone to do that. It’s the only way I know how to do it.
So- my love- I have run away, a cowardly, and totally selfish action I know. I have to deal with my guilt with that as well.
PLEASE Cal, allow me this. Don’t try to come chasing after me, and DON’T start blaming yourself for any of this, please don’t. For once Dr Lightman, you are not the one to blame for any of this at all, so don’t go there PLEASE.
I WILL be careful. I WILL be safe, and I will be OK.
As soon as I can – I will be coming back to you Cal. I just hope that you will still want me, but if you don’t, I will understand.
I Love You So Much
Gill “
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At first he had no idea what he had just read. Certain words kept jumping around in his mind – “Scared” “Love” “Run away”
What the Hell………….
Dropping the pages back down Cal threw the rest of his now cold coffee down his throat, dropping down of the stool he walked over to the sink and ran the cold tap.
After a few minutes he accepted that no amount of cold water thrown on his face was going to make the words on the letter disappear.
It was now 08.30 am, and Cal headed for the whiskey bottle…….