[Everybody Loves Raymond] 116 - Diamonds #385
Marie: Oh I used to love Valentines Day!... then I met your father.
Frank: I used to love every day.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 121 - Fascinating Debra #409
Debra: There's nothing funny about me to imitate y'know?
Ray: Oh, what are you talking about? Here I'll do you. "Ray, get off of me, it's not your birthday"
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 202 - Father Knows Least #380
Ray: Look, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally: Why?
Ray: 'Cause I do.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 207 - Anniversary #381
Marie: We almost got divorced.
Frank: There's a sad word��'- almost.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 208 - The Children's Book #382
Ray: I was wondering-- are we still fighting?
Debra: What? Oh, no, no.
Ray: Okay, good. I almost bought flowers.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 212 - All I Want For Christmas #379
[about sex]
Debra: You know, it's not always me what about last week when I was in the mood and you weren't?
Raymond: When was that???
Debra: Wednesday. You were watching TV I asked you to give me a backrub. Yeah you gave me one of these one-handed deals.
Raymond: Wait wait a minute. You ask for a backrub, and that means Mr. Smith goes to Washington?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 212 - All I Want For Christmas #383
Ray: Not the flannel pajamas!
Debra: What?
Ray: When you come to bed wearing that silky thing I know I have a chance but the flannel pajamas? You might as well be wearing a porcupine suit!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 217 - The Ride-Along #384
Debra: Ally, what are you doing?
Ally: Cutting Molly's hair.
Debra: Oh no, no, honey, you can't cut a doll's hair. It won't grow back-- only people hair grows back.
Ally: Oh. [pauses, calls for her baby brother] Geoffrey!
Debra: Oh, no, no, no, Ally, go ahead. Just cut the doll's hair. Hey, look, you missed a spot.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 303 - The Sitter #398
Ray: [referring to messy house] You know what you need, you need some real help around here.
[Debra glares at Ray]
Ray: Keeping in mind I have a very busy schedule.
Debra: Oh yeah that's right gee isn't it time for your 9 o'clock butt scratch?
Ray: That's okay I don't do that anymore I'm on the patch.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 305 - The Visit #399
[practising saying mom for Debra's mother]
Ray: Mom... mom... mom...
Marie: [walks through door] Hiii!
Ray: Wow, that... that is powerful... Let me try something: Xena warrior princess, Xena warrior princess...
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com





[Everybody Loves Raymond] 310 - No Fat #410
Ray: Hey.
Marie: Hi honey, want some eggs?
Frank: Don't listen to her, it's not eggs. It's got fake egg crap.
Marie: It tastes exactly the same.
Frank: Yes. Exactly like crap.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 310 - No Fat #411
Ray: Why didn't you bring your dog, Robert?
Robert: I don't think Shamsky would eat this.
Ray: Yeah, but we could eat him.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 413 - Bully On The Bus #343
Marie: I sense tension and anger.
Frank: Maybe you're picking up your own scent.
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 416 - The Tenth Anniversary #371
Raymond: Happy Anniversary. Hey, you know what I was thinking? Since this is our tenth anniversary, why don't we let the kids stay at grandmas and grandpas, all night, if you know what I mean?
Debra: Hey, hey we could watch our wedding video?
Raymond: I guess you don't know what I mean.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 416 - The Tenth Anniversary #372
[after finding out Ray taped over his wedding video]
Frank: Hey good work Ray. Now when some broad starts yapping "you're never romantic!". Guys everywhere can say "Hey, you think I'm bad? At least I didn't pull a Ray Barone.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 416 - The Tenth Anniversary #373
Marie: Well I'll tell you what I would like if I were Debra...
Frank: I'd like it if you were Debra!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 416 - The Tenth Anniversary #374
Robert: [referring to the wedding magazines] Where did you get these?
Ray: The newsstand -- it was so embarrassing. I had to buy some porn just to even it out.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 418 - Debra Makes Something Good #375
Frank: First of all, if I have anything to say about your mother, I'm not afraid to say it right to her face... Second of all, those are not jokes.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 418 - Debra Makes Something Good #402
Ray: I'm not going to make those jokes anymore.
Debra: Thank you.
Ray: Will you still cook for me?
Debra: Yes.
Ray: Will you take your clothes off?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 421 - Someone's Cranky #376
Raymond: Maybe you should cut them some slack.
Robert: What?
Raymond: Yeah 'cause they mean well... y'know?... Well, mom means well, dad's just, mean.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com





[Everybody Loves Raymond] 421 - Someone's Cranky #377
Robert: Apparently if you leave milk out for twelve weeks, it goes bad and then explodes. [holds a candle] However, this is lavender bouquet.
Raymond: Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?
Debra: Robert, do you have any more candles?
Frank: Or an old sneaker I can bury my face in?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 422 - Bad Moon Rising #378
Raymond: People! Shut up all of you guys. Debra's not feeling well, bio... hormonally.
Frank: Oh! Got it. The enemy within.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 422 - Bad Moon Rising #400
Debra: Oh, would you STOP? I'm not crying because of the way I sound! I'm crying because I'm married to an insensitive derfwad, who instead of trying to make life easier for his wife, tape-records her so he has proof she's a terrible person!
Ray: What's a derfwad?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 508 - Young Girl #388
Ray: Let me tell you something Robert, there's two Debras. That's right. There's the Debra you see that doesn't have a problem with it. Then, when everybody leaves, there's the Debra that I see: Darth Debra.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 515 - Silent Partners #391
Ray: If one was asked to read a book called Devilwood, one would be correct in assuming that the book was scary, or exciting or had something devil-y in it, wouldn't one?
Robert: One would.
Ray: Well then one would be wrong!
Robert: What's going on Raymond?
Ray: Debra wants me to read this so we have stuff in common. But I swear this sucker's like a horse tranquilizer.
Here, listen to this first line. "Imagine a rain so beautiful it must never have existed" what does that mean? What does that mean?? Tell me right now what does that mean???
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 515 - Silent Partners #392
Debra: Have you read any of that book?
Ray: I read a lot.
Debra: Yeah? What's it about?
Ray: It's, it's about a rain that's so beautiful, I can't even believe it existed.
Debra: That's the first line, you've read ONE LINE!
Ray: And I was gonna read the next line when I came out of my COMA!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 515 - Silent Partners #393
Ray: This butter is the perfect temperature slash density.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 522 - Say Uncle #304
Frank: Marie, what the hell? One second you were making me pancakes, the next second you're gone... which would be great if there were pancakes.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 612 - Season's Greetings #313
[about the Christmas letter from ten years prior]
Frank: I remember this. I had all the stuff I was gonna do when I retire on it.
Marie: Was "be nicer to your wife" on there?
Frank: Might as well have been, it's all ridiculous crap!
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 618 - The Breakup Tape #315
Ray: So I have to live in a museum of your erotic past.
Debra: It's not a museum.
Ray: So you admit... it was erotic!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com


[Everybody Loves Raymond] 619 - Talk To Your Daughter #316
Frank: Let me tell you about life.
Ray: Great. We're gonna hear the meaning of life from a man who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank: That's called "Protecting your sandwich".
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 619 - Talk To Your Daughter #317
Ray: What, you don't think I can do it? I'll do it, I'll have the sex talk with her.
Debra: I'll tell you what, Ray. You can be there, and I'll explain it to the both of you.
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 620 - A Vote For Debra #318
Debra: You were stuffing your pants with food!
Ray: I'm your husband, you're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 625 - The First Time #319
Debra: Oh, honey, honey, not tonight, okay? How about tomorrow?
Ray: How about we start tonight and go til tomorrow?
Debra: We'd have to start at 11:59, then.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 705 - Who Am I? #320
Ray: Are you having an affair with the bookstore guy?
Debra: Right. He's 60 years old, got one eye, and he smells of the jungle.
Ray: Yeah, that's how you like it.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 712 - Grandpa Steals #321
Robert: Your daughter, your problem.
Ray: You're stupid, you're ugly.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 714 - Just A Formality #322
Debra: You listen to me Robert. This is between you and Amy. Her parents
are just going to have to get used to the idea. But it's your life. You do what you want to do.
Ray: Until you get married. Then you do what she wants to do.
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 715 - The Disciplinarian #323
Ray: Come on. You've seen me lay down the law, right?
Frank: I've seen you lay down.
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 717 - Meeting The Parents #324
Frank: Dear Lord, please keep this in-law family the hell away from me!
Hank: And you can stay the heck away from us, too.
Frank: You can say "heck" all you want, He knows you mean "Hell"!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 718 - The Plan #403
[After Robert messes up the wedding invitations]
Amy: And what's this? 'Attire optional?' It's supposed to be 'black tie optional.' 'Attire optional' means 'maybe naked'! There's going to be nude people... at the church... on a Wednesday!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com





[Everybody Loves Raymond] 720 - Who's Next? #325
Marie: You stay away from my husband!
Frank: Marie, we were just talking.
Marie: You weren't just talking, you were picturing her naked.
Frank: Get out of my head, Woman!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 722 - Baggage #401
Debra: I have to do everything around here! I swear, if I don't do it, then it doesn't get done!
Frank: Well, that's because...now, take it easy...-that's how it's supposed to be.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 803 - Home From School #326
Michael: I don't have any homework!
Ray: Woahwoahwoawoa... who do you think you're dealing with here huh? I may seem stupid, but that's just to get your mother to not ask me to do stuff, okay?... I know all the angles pal, I know all the excuses. If my dog Shamsky had eaten as much homework as I said he woulda pooped the encyclopedia britannica.
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 803 - Home From School #327
Michael: I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, and I accidentally said "Mommy."
Ray: You called the teacher "Mommy?" Why? Was the teacher yelling?
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 804 - Misery Loves Company #311
Robert: You're so closed off. Holding your wife's hand could be pleasurable for you. And more importantly, it might allow her to feel wanted and loved by you.
Raymond: How does that get me out of laundry?
Robert: If you could connect with your wife emotionally, then perhaps you wouldn't see doing laundry as a chore. You might do it willingly, for her, as a gesture of love.
Raymond: You are an idiot wrapped in a moron.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 814 - Lateness #328
Debra: You used to think I was worth waiting for.
Ray: You were worth waiting for, but after fifteen years, you should be here by now!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 816 - Security #329
Marie: Since when is there a law against me expressing my feelings?
Frank: I've been trying to pass that legislation for years.
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 821 - The Model #330
Marie: I always thought Robert was a looker.
Frank: I always thought he was more of a "look at that."
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 905 - Ally's F #331
Debra: Look at all the scribbles on this notebook! "Tommy and Ally Forever," "Ally Hearts Tommy," "Ally Sanders."
Ray: Oh, look. You see? That's not even Ally's notebook.
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 905 - Ally's F #332
Amy: You know, Deb, every child goes through this rebellious phase. I did. One time, in Church choir, we were all supposed to sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus," and my friends and I sang "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses!"
Contributed by Courtney E


[Everybody Loves Raymond] 905 - Ally's F #333
Robert: What about when I was 13 years old, and my basketball coach called me "The Useless Giraffe?"
Frank: You were six foot five. You couldn't grab a couple of rebounds?
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 905 - Ally's F #334
Ray: If x equals lame, that guy is 4 times x!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 906 - Boys' Therapy #335
[Frank is reading a paper on the track horses]
Frank: we gotta bet this horse. It's unbeatable! It's unstoppable.
Robert: Marie's Mouth
Ray: This is a sign!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 911 - The Faux Pas #336
Debra: I want to assure you that Marie does not speak for all of us.
Frank: No, she just speaks more than all of us.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 912 - Tasteless Frank #337
Frank: Hey, could you pass the salt?
Marie: What did you say?
Frank: I want to put some salt on this.
Marie: In 47 years of marriage, you've never salted my lasagna!
Frank: Marie, it's bad enough it needs it. You gotta remind me how long we've been married?
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 912 - Tasteless Frank #338
Robert: You know, Dad, I have to say, I'm surprised that you can't appreciate the interplay of these flavors--the smokiness of the ham, delicately contrasting with the sweetness of the egg custard.
Frank: Why don't you put on a dress and do a dance?
Contributed by evilcheese



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 913 - Sister-In-Law #339
Amy: I should've realized guys just want to watch TV and be left alone.
Frank: Amy, will you marry me?
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 914 - The Power Of No #340
Robert: Yeah, I always know when Amy's in the mood, cause she gives me this little sly smile.
Ray: Yeah... I think she's saying hurry up and get it over with.
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 914 - The Power Of No #341
Ray: It's like the more I turn her down, the more she wants it. She's like a guy!
Contributed by Courtney E



[Everybody Loves Raymond] 914 - The Power Of No #342
Robert: I'm going to help Amy pick out drapes.
Ray: If there's any material left over, maybe you can make yourself a little skirt.
Contributed by Courtney E