[The Simpsons] 1F02 - Homer Goes To College #255
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E", you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: You will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - Lemon of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if you get lost, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to move your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire kitchen is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed by Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #253
Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need you to do a favor for me.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Love Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will you stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: You won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: Fox Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. Or it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do you need a paperweight? 'Cause if you buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are you sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panther leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: You don't like me? I like you.
Moe: You do? Then I like you too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. Or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about you and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the year end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I said bishop to queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed by gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask you to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, you still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the fire first!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did you let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! You help me, and I in-turn am helped by you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do you really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey you are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, you know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any Given Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An Elephant #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E", you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: You will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - Lemon of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if you get lost, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to move your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire kitchen is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed by Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #253
Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The Cartridge Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need you to do a favor for me.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Love Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will you stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: You won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: Fox Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. Or it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do you need a paperweight? 'Cause if you buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are you sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panther leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: You don't like me? I like you.
Moe: You do? Then I like you too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. Or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about you and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the year end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I said bishop to queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed by gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask you to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, you still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the fire first!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did you let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! You help me, and I in-turn am helped by you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do you really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey you are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, you know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any Given Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
