so it's that time again, guys. i'm gonna do another movie review. what we got this time?
*the Norm of the North poster pops up*
oh no. oh no. OH FUCK NO!!
well, you've been waiting for this review for years, and it's finally here. this movie's been in production for 6 years and i been hearing rumors throughout the internet that the whole production of the movie was a true nightmare! originally, it was supposed to be a Crest Animations straight-to-DVD movie, with the Alpha and Omega co-director Anthony Bell on the director's chair. but halfway through production, Mr. Bell decided that he didn't wanna do the project anymore, so he left and the movie passed on to Splash Entertainment. what followed after that were just 2 or 3 screenshots and a lot - and i mean A LOT - of delays, and probably at the last minute, Lionsgate thought "hey, why not put this thing in theaters instead?". and so, they gave the opportunity to put it on the big screen, with a big-headlined actor Rob Schneider..... yea, you can tell i don't see anything good coming from this. well.... let's just get it over with. i'm Niko, and this is my review - or in this case RANT - on.... Norm of the North. god, help me!

The Story
okay, so for a movie like this, i wouldn't say it has a story to tell - cause it barely has a fucking plot to begin with - but it has a message. a environmental message. a pathetic, obnoxious, hammered down environmental message. all this movie does is to explain to the audience that we should save the Arctic with anti-industrialism thrown in that we don't go taking these animals home in order to make some for us. now, anybody with a normal functioning brain would think: why the fuck would we ever live in the Arctic?! well join in, cause i have no god damn idea! the movie never even bothers to explain. thanks to that, the movie becomes so incredibly preachy, that it starts treating the audience like complete idiots, thinking that we should always get a reminder EVERY 5 FUCKING MINUTES about Norm's mission. or maybe the characters are just reminding themselves about what the hell their mission is, considering how stupid they can get. yea, that actually makes a lot more sense. but trust me, that's just the TIP of the iceberg here. that's just the start of how god awful the writing is. first off, the movie feels the need to throw as many cliches as possible, making the whole thing incredibly predictable from start to finish. second, we got a lotta action scenes that go absolutely nowhere, make them look completely pointless, and WORST OF ALL: the movie goes outta its way to scrape the bottom of the barrel with some of the absolute WORST running gags that would probably make a Adam Sandler movie look like a fucking piece of art! oh hell no, it's not just the average gas humor and fart jokes. you have NO idea how low this god damn movie can sink just for one stupid laugh. and to top all the bullshit off, we got Norm running around, twerking his fat ass and doing the Arctic Shake. cause yeah, that'll TOTALLY make you feel hip and relevant like all the cool kids out there! seriously, was this thing written by 3 retarded chimps or somethin'?! i don't think i've ever seen a story so broken by its unbearable message and atrocious humor

The Animation
it's the animation that makes a lotta people wonder how the hell did this ever get a chance to be shown in theaters. even if this was originally meant to be a straight-to-DVD movie, the animation here looks like something you'd usually see in a made-for-TV special, not in a full length THEATRICAL movie! not only is this bad to look at, but oh my god: this is ugly as shit! and you clearly tell from the horrible designs on the characters. seriously, all the humans in this movie look like they were made in only 2 minutes by a amateur with no experience in drawing. but the animals look even worse, like if they were drawn by a 3 year old! add in terrible textures in the mix, it makes the overall movie unwatchably horrid! i don't think i'd do this for another movie, but almost every 10 minutes, i had to take off my glasses and close my eyes just to let them take a break from something so awful! i mean, sure: Foodfight is even worse, but at least that movie had an excuse of why it was so ungodly bad. but for Norm of the North, there's just no excuse for the animation whatsoever. even the backgrounds look so stiff and generic, with the plain white Arctic, or the generic city that's supposed to look like New York City. even the overall rendering came out so bad, that it makes the movement of the characters look so unnatural. now, i've called a few animated movies "disgraceful" for the visuals and animation, but the animation in this movie is nothing short of a absolute embarrassment!

The Characters
now, like we all know: with terrible writing come terrible characters, right? actually, wrong. the characters in this movie represent another aspect of this movie: it's undeniably stupid! i mean, for real. all the characters in this movie are so devoid of logic and intelligence that sometimes it makes you question yourself how the fuck did this get greenlit as a actual script. every single one of the characters are a bland, one-dimensional trope that only stick out by the retarded decisions they make. first off, we got our main character, Norm. he's the main polar bear who wants to save the Arctic, and probably has other character traits that either the movie forgot to explain or are completely pointless. like: why's he the only polar bear in the Arctic who can talk to humans? why's it important to know about his love interest? why's he in the line of becoming the king of the Arctic? who the fuck knows cause the movie clearly doesn't give a shit! all they do is show off those god awful excuse of comedy reliefs they call "lemmings". oh my god, i hate them so much! they have absolutely no point in being in the movie, cause all they do is: fart, burp, piss in a fish tank, and try to rip off the Minions, but they fail so miserably cause there's no quality in their sense of humor. can we just do them a favor and put them outta their misery by throwing them one by one off a cliff?! and then, we got Mr. Greene. the so-called villain of the movie, who's so over-the-top with his movements and nonsensical plans of building condos and houses on the Arctic. does he remind you of some other villain in another movie? take a guess. well, time's up: he rips off Chester V from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, expect that was a much better movie, and i wish i was watching THAT instead! as for everybody else: i just don't give a shit! they literally have no purpose at all, and they're all their just to make awful jokes or to keep on reminding Norm to save the Arctic. they could just disappear and the movie would be the same or at least shorter. to make things even worse, the stupidest and most unlikable characters in the entire movie are all the extras around Norm. apparently, according to this movie, everybody in New York City is so stupid and so brain dead, that they see Norm as a guy in a bear suit and somehow they're okay with it. they'll believe anything that's being said to them, and they're easily amused by one big, stupid-ass dancing polar bear. it's one thing to make your characters bland, unlikable and serve no purpose. but when the ENTIRE GOD DAMN CAST is like that and you take away sense of intelligence from them, that's a solid sign for you to step back and re-evaluate what you're doing.

ever since the 2014 atrocity known as The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale, i honestly never thought we'd see an animated movie that bad ever again. i thought we moved passed that garbage and started to appreciate the masterpieces that Pixar and DreamWorks are making. but then came this. Norm of the North is definitely the worst animated movie i've ever seen in a theater! the writing's appalling, the story's a predictable joke without a punchline, the environmental message is obnoxious as fuck, the animation's gross, the "comedy" is at its absolute worst, and all the characters don't have a purpose or a functioning brain! i'm pretty sure y'all can tell that i'll NEVER, EVER tell anybody to go watch this, cause i know that people with a functioning brain won't even sit through 5 minutes of this fucking abomination! this makes The Nut Job look like the most hilarious animated movie on the face of the planet! that's how horrendous the humor in this movie is! and really, if there's any dumb-ass out there defends it with the bullshit "it's just for kids" excuse, can i ask: who the hell are you talking about? kids 4 and under and lack of IQ? any kid would look at this and be like "well, this looks awful!"

and that's why Norm of the North is 2016's first movie to absolutely get a big F! why would anybody think this would look great in theaters, will always stay a mystery!