Canada is finally getting footage on youtube so can I do this way better than from last time I put this article..
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd you leave the toilet seat up?
Peele: BITCH WHY WAS YOU LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do you even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I said whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I said whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) You are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess you learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line by Mel Gibson.. He said "I hope you get rapped by a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he said a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will you have kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the punch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the punch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And you know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#9:
Killer: I will cover you in gasoline and set you on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny you should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
Killer; Why you doing to me!? YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!
Key; whoawhoawhoa, somebody needs a vacation.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! YOU A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I said biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
VelJohnson: I AM AN ACTOR GENE, I WAS IN DIE HARD DAMMIT! FUCK STEVE URKEL
Producer: YOU WILL SUCK STEVE URKEL'S DICK IF YOU HAVE TOO! YOU WILL HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!!!
VelJohnson: I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE! I HAVE DONE MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW you killed her.. You have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's you standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
Peele; You have no evidence man.
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Peele: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Key: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Peele: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off. Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Peele; Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Peel (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's NOT, FUNNY!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night?
Peele; Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?!
Monday: What? No.
Peele: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that!
(glass shatters obviously from the ghost)
Jarold; Whoa! Who did that?
Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the FUCK just did that!?
Key; WHICH ONE OF YOU JUST, THREW, THAT, BOTTLE?!
Jonald: What are we even talking about right now? Peele: Did you fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! FUCK YOU! I didn't throw it!
Peele: Well, did you fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! You WOULD do that, Brendon.
Key: Dude, no! I DIDN'T THROW THAT BOTTLLE!!
Peele: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Monday: Yeah, you did do that!
Key: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though! This is just destructive!
Peele; What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well obviously (points at ghost) it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Ping: (loud roar)
Jarold: Good point, Ping.. Come on guys, lets cool cool it with the profanity. You know Ping is very religious.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. You ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are you Channing?
Key; why you in a van
(killer closes doors and speeds off)
Key: (happily) Is that a meathook?
#18:
Peele: YOU WILL RESPECT ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
19;
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
20;
Teacher; A-A-Ron! Where are you? Where is A-A-Ron right now? No A-A-Ron, huh? Well, you better be sick, dead, or mute, A-A-Ron!
Student: Here!
Teacher: ... Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it.
Student; huh?
Teacher I'm just— y'know, I'm just askin', y'know. I said it, like, four times, so why didn't you say it the first time I said "A-A-Ron"?
Aaron: ...Because it's pronounced Aaron.
Teacher: SON OF A BITCH! (turns and around and swipes everything off his desk) YOU DONE MESSED UP A-A-RON! Now take your ass on down to O-Shag-Henessy's office right now and tell him what you did!
Aaron: Who?
Teacher: O-Shag-Henessy!
Aaron: Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Teacher: Get out of my goddamned classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! (Aaron flees)
Teacher; Inceboradant.. And chirdless.
21;
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: The player...
T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinsforth V: T.J.! A.J.!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...formerly known...
EEEEE EEEEEEEEE: EEEEE!!!
Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith: [Construction noise.] LEWITH!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...as Mousecop.
Donkey Teeth: And Donkey Teeth!
22;
Key, Peele, and several other black people form a flash mob dance to music that sounds very much like Thriller..
White Man: RACE WARRRRRR! IT'S A GODDAMN RACE WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Starts gun).
Chaos invades the streets.
Key; Flash mob is cancelled.. Flash mob is cancelled..
23;
Wendell; Wow.. You really do care about Clara.
Pizza man; I do
Wendell breaks a window rather than admit she isn't real.
Wendell; OH MY GOD CLARA JUST GOT SHOT!
Pizza man; What, no!
Wendell; Oh god, just got her in the neck, she's dead, she's dead! I'm calling the cops she's dead. (hangs up)
Pizza man; CLARA!! NNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wendell; Chinesse it is..
24;
Teacher; AIN'T NONE OF YOU OLD ENOUGH, O BE IN NO DAMN CLUB!!
25;
Warlord: What!?
Mook: But I did find something better: boiling hot water.
Warlord: What are you going to do wi-
Mook: (pours the boiling water on the warlord's crotch)
Warlord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs out of the room and towards the fighting) I SURRENDER! I AM THE GENERAL-
Mook: (horrified) Commander! Don't go! They'll torture you!
26;
Black, vagina.
BONUS;
Peele; Most whiite girls give a ''awkward''.. bitch it wasn't awkward TIL YOU SAID SOMETHING
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd you leave the toilet seat up?
Peele: BITCH WHY WAS YOU LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do you even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I said whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I said whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) You are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess you learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line by Mel Gibson.. He said "I hope you get rapped by a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he said a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will you have kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the punch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the punch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And you know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#9:
Killer: I will cover you in gasoline and set you on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny you should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
Killer; Why you doing to me!? YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!
Key; whoawhoawhoa, somebody needs a vacation.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! YOU A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I said biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
VelJohnson: I AM AN ACTOR GENE, I WAS IN DIE HARD DAMMIT! FUCK STEVE URKEL
Producer: YOU WILL SUCK STEVE URKEL'S DICK IF YOU HAVE TOO! YOU WILL HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!!!
VelJohnson: I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE! I HAVE DONE MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW you killed her.. You have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's you standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
Peele; You have no evidence man.
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Peele: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Key: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Peele: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off. Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Peele; Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Peel (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's NOT, FUNNY!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night?
Peele; Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?!
Monday: What? No.
Peele: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that!
(glass shatters obviously from the ghost)
Jarold; Whoa! Who did that?
Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the FUCK just did that!?
Key; WHICH ONE OF YOU JUST, THREW, THAT, BOTTLE?!
Jonald: What are we even talking about right now? Peele: Did you fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! FUCK YOU! I didn't throw it!
Peele: Well, did you fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! You WOULD do that, Brendon.
Key: Dude, no! I DIDN'T THROW THAT BOTTLLE!!
Peele: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Monday: Yeah, you did do that!
Key: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though! This is just destructive!
Peele; What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well obviously (points at ghost) it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Ping: (loud roar)
Jarold: Good point, Ping.. Come on guys, lets cool cool it with the profanity. You know Ping is very religious.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. You ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are you Channing?
Key; why you in a van
(killer closes doors and speeds off)
Key: (happily) Is that a meathook?
#18:
Peele: YOU WILL RESPECT ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
19;
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
20;
Teacher; A-A-Ron! Where are you? Where is A-A-Ron right now? No A-A-Ron, huh? Well, you better be sick, dead, or mute, A-A-Ron!
Student: Here!
Teacher: ... Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it.
Student; huh?
Teacher I'm just— y'know, I'm just askin', y'know. I said it, like, four times, so why didn't you say it the first time I said "A-A-Ron"?
Aaron: ...Because it's pronounced Aaron.
Teacher: SON OF A BITCH! (turns and around and swipes everything off his desk) YOU DONE MESSED UP A-A-RON! Now take your ass on down to O-Shag-Henessy's office right now and tell him what you did!
Aaron: Who?
Teacher: O-Shag-Henessy!
Aaron: Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Teacher: Get out of my goddamned classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! (Aaron flees)
Teacher; Inceboradant.. And chirdless.
21;
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: The player...
T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinsforth V: T.J.! A.J.!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...formerly known...
EEEEE EEEEEEEEE: EEEEE!!!
Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith: [Construction noise.] LEWITH!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...as Mousecop.
Donkey Teeth: And Donkey Teeth!
22;
Key, Peele, and several other black people form a flash mob dance to music that sounds very much like Thriller..
White Man: RACE WARRRRRR! IT'S A GODDAMN RACE WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Starts gun).
Chaos invades the streets.
Key; Flash mob is cancelled.. Flash mob is cancelled..
23;
Wendell; Wow.. You really do care about Clara.
Pizza man; I do
Wendell breaks a window rather than admit she isn't real.
Wendell; OH MY GOD CLARA JUST GOT SHOT!
Pizza man; What, no!
Wendell; Oh god, just got her in the neck, she's dead, she's dead! I'm calling the cops she's dead. (hangs up)
Pizza man; CLARA!! NNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wendell; Chinesse it is..
24;
Teacher; AIN'T NONE OF YOU OLD ENOUGH, O BE IN NO DAMN CLUB!!
25;
Warlord: What!?
Mook: But I did find something better: boiling hot water.
Warlord: What are you going to do wi-
Mook: (pours the boiling water on the warlord's crotch)
Warlord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs out of the room and towards the fighting) I SURRENDER! I AM THE GENERAL-
Mook: (horrified) Commander! Don't go! They'll torture you!
26;
Black, vagina.
BONUS;
Peele; Most whiite girls give a ''awkward''.. bitch it wasn't awkward TIL YOU SAID SOMETHING
When we watch a show, we enjoy characters for their heroic actions, brave hearts, and winning personalities. We like them basically because of the kind, sweet people that they are. Well...THIS IS NOT THAT LIST. This list is about the characters who are known (and even celebrated) as downright jerks. Granted, most of these characters do have good hearts but what makes them memorable is their extremely flawed personalities. Whether it be cockiness, grouchiness, racism, or just bossiness. These characters have a place in our hearts despite their unpleasant personalities, because we just can't help but like them.