Chapter Three
The Slytherin common room had been a horrid place for Severus to be the last week of school. He, Avery, and Crabbe had been given detention every night with Slughorn. Severus wasn't sure what Avery and Crabbe's punishment had been – Slughorn had been adamant about keeping them all separated as much as possible – but, judging by the nasty looks and cheap shots Avery had been throwing, it couldn't have been anything good. Luckily, he was never hit where it showed, so there had been no awkward questions from Lily and no interrogations from Slughorn who, as far as Severus could tell, had believed the whole incident to be rough play that had simply gotten out of hand.
Although many of the Slytherins – having witnessed or heard about the fight – had left Severus alone, none of them would come to his defense either. After Crabbe's first detention, Severus had gotten cornered by the larger boy who, in front of three of their housemates, had punched him hard in the gut and called him a “cowardly, worthless piece of shit.” By the time the week was up, it was almost a relief to board the Hogwarts Express and head home.
Normally, the Hogwarts Express was a quiet and relaxing way to go home after a long year of magical learning. Everyone was usually dazed after the end of term feast, and exhausted after the end of year exams (and O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s for the upper class men). This year, however, the train was abuzz with gossip.
“Did you know?” “Did you hear?” “Did you see?” flew up and down corridors and in and out of compartments. Lily Evans had caused quite a stir when she'd – publicly, no less – forgiven Severus Snape during the end of year feast for calling her that horrid word.
The entire school had been invested in the friendship since they started at Hogwarts. “It'll never work,” they scoffed. “A Gryffindor and a Slytherin, best friends? Pishposh. It won't last once those true Slytherin colors come out.” And once the 'm' word slipped out, everyone had lined up to tell Lily “I told you so.” It had been unthinkable that she forgive Severus. After all, he was well on his way to becoming a Death Eater – the word was just the beginning of a long and dark path.
But Lily hadn’t listened to them. She’d forgiven Severus (once he’d really and truly cut ties with his friends) and that was that, as far as she was concerned. There had been, on more than one occasion during the last few days of term, in which she’d been bombarded by members of all houses, asking her if she was crazy. Or cursed. Or under the effect of some potion or other. Every single time Lily replied with a terse, “No, it’s none of your business anyway, good day” and then would turn away and head for wherever Severus was. Her reaction, her will to stand by him even through all the whispers and jibes, made Severus realize that it was time.
He had been waiting a long while to ask Lily Evans out, but had never found the right time. But now . . .
Severus sat alone in a compartment, staring absently out the window, trying to think of the right way to ask her to go out on a date. Every way he phrased it in his mind sounded horrible; cheesy, too strong, too demanding, too unsure. Lily deserved the perfect way to be asked out and it was up to Severus to find out what it was.
“Ugh,” a high-pitched voice grunted from the doorway. Severus turned his head to see a disgruntled looking Lily Evans standing there.
‘ Time’s up ,’ Severus thought to himself, hoping that he didn’t make a complete arse of himself.
Lily slammed the door shut behind her and flung herself into a seat. “I swear ,” she growled, clenching her fists tight, “the next person that asks me if you’ve slipped me a Befuddling Potion is going to get hexed !”
“They still won’t let it go?” Severus asked absently, only half aware of the words coming out of his mouth. The rest of his brain was occupied with how adorable Lily looked when she was angry: the way her lips twisted; the way her nose crinkled; the way her tiny, slim hands clenched together.
“No! It’s like they all have nothing better to do! ‘Oh, you’re crazy Evans!’ ‘Oh, are you dating him, Evans?’“‘Oh, he cursed you Evans!’ Gah!” Severus’ heart skipped a beat. People thought she was dating him? They thought Lily Evans would actually date him ?
“They . . .” Severus cleared his throat and tried again, attempting to keep his voice even. “They think we’re dating?”
Lily snorted. “Yes! Isn’t it the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?”
Severus’ stomach plummeted. The tone in which she used – the scornful, incredulous tone – cut like knives. “I – “
“I mean,” she continued on, not realizing he’d been trying to say something, “We’ve been friends for years but that’s all it’s ever been. How they can think that I’ve thought of you that way – Not that there’s anything wrong with you!” she added hastily, misinterpreting Severus’ look of pain for one of offense. “It’s just – you’re my best friend, like a brother.” Lily made a disparaging noise in the back of her throat. “Listen to me, venting on about all this when you already know – you feel the same.”
The sharp pain in Severus’ chest that had started as soon as Lily had said “I don’t think of you that way” had intensified. It felt as though white hot pokers were digging in his chest, ripping his heart into tiny pieces and dragging them, slowly, out through his navel. It crushed the air out of his lungs, made it hard for him to concentrate. This couldn’t be happening, he thought. It can’t, not after . . .
He noticed that Lily was staring at him oddly. Completely unsure of what she’d said or done, Severus just nodded his head and hoped it was the right gesture. It was about all he could do anyway.
Lily smiled. “I knew you did. And I have to say, Sev, I’m so glad for it. It’s nice to just sit and talk with a boy without him making a move or me worrying if he’s plotting about making a move.”
Severus nodded again and bit the inside of his lip. Tears were threatening to over-whelm him, but he refused to cry in front of her, refused to take away her happiness – her happiness of him being “just a friend” and not making a move - to console himself. He couldn’t do that to her anyway, no matter how hard he tried.
The train ride dragged on and each second hurt more than the last. It was excruciating for Severus to realize that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he changed about himself, Lily would only ever think of him as a friend. She would be near, but it would never be in the way he wanted, the way he needed. He wouldn’t be the one to give her her first kiss, or take her on her first date. In fact, he’d be forced to watch another man do that, watch another man make his love, his life, his everything happier than he ever could.
A jolt signaled to Severus that the train had reached the platform. He and Lily silently gathered their things and exited. Lily, upon spotting Petunia and her parents, told Severus she’d see him over the weekend and flounced away. Severus watched her disappear, his heart heavy and aching, before turning away to find his mother.
It would have been easier to try and spot his father, Severus thought bitterly to himself. Standing well over six feet tall, with broad shoulders, Tobias Snape was a man hard to miss in a crowd. Unfortunately, he stoutly refused to come unto the platform. (“Why would I want to surround myself with freaks ?” he always demanded.) Although Severus was glad for the delay in going home, it brought about a hard time trying to find his mother. Eileen Prince was small, barely taller than her fifteen year old son, making it almost impossible to see her over the much larger wizards. Not that it mattered much about her height – she had the kind of face that blended into the background, even when you were looking right at her.
A hand tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Severus turned his head – not wanting to turn all the way around in case it was Potter or one of his minions – and caught sight of his mother’s profile. He turned fully around and started at her. She seemed smaller somehow, slighter. At first, Severus irrationally wondered if he’d grown that much over the school year. But then, he caught sight of the bruises around her neck and jaw, despite the black turtle neck and grey scarf she was using to try and hide them.
She offered him a tremulous smile and held out her arms. Severus immediately stepped into her embrace, instantly hating Tobias with every fiber of his being for daring to lay a hand on his mother.
“Mum,” he said, stepping back and peering at her intently at her, “are you – “
“I’m fine,” she said, brushing him away. “Really, it looks worse than it is.” She gave him another smile and grabbed his trunk. “How was school? You hardly wrote at all this year.”
Severus clenched his jaw. His mother never wanted to talk about what Tobias did to her, never wanted to leave, or press charges. Every time he beat her she pretended it didn’t happen, even going as far as to beg Severus to not say anything. “Let’s just keep it in the family, okay?” she’d ask. “It won’t happen again.”
“Severus,” Eileen said, catching his attention. “Not now, please just . . . just let it go.”
He was tempted, sorely tempted, to make a scene in public. Maybe, he thought, maybe then someone would realize what was going on. Maybe someone could make it stop . . . He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. But that would mean letting people know that he couldn’t defend himself against an unarmed muggle, couldn’t defend himself or his mother. It would mean admitting he was weak and then Lily . . . Lily would definitely leave him.
“School was fine,” he said slowly, swallowing back pride and shame. “We had our O.W.L.s this year – that’s why I wasn’t able to write as much.”
“Ah, yes, I’d forgotten you had those fifth year. How do you think you did?”
And so continued the pointless small talk. Severus answered as calmly as he could, all the while raging internally at himself for letting this go on, for not stopping his mother from taking him back there. Back to the distorted man he still managed to call father. Back to the broken house he still managed to call home.
The Slytherin common room had been a horrid place for Severus to be the last week of school. He, Avery, and Crabbe had been given detention every night with Slughorn. Severus wasn't sure what Avery and Crabbe's punishment had been – Slughorn had been adamant about keeping them all separated as much as possible – but, judging by the nasty looks and cheap shots Avery had been throwing, it couldn't have been anything good. Luckily, he was never hit where it showed, so there had been no awkward questions from Lily and no interrogations from Slughorn who, as far as Severus could tell, had believed the whole incident to be rough play that had simply gotten out of hand.
Although many of the Slytherins – having witnessed or heard about the fight – had left Severus alone, none of them would come to his defense either. After Crabbe's first detention, Severus had gotten cornered by the larger boy who, in front of three of their housemates, had punched him hard in the gut and called him a “cowardly, worthless piece of shit.” By the time the week was up, it was almost a relief to board the Hogwarts Express and head home.
Normally, the Hogwarts Express was a quiet and relaxing way to go home after a long year of magical learning. Everyone was usually dazed after the end of term feast, and exhausted after the end of year exams (and O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s for the upper class men). This year, however, the train was abuzz with gossip.
“Did you know?” “Did you hear?” “Did you see?” flew up and down corridors and in and out of compartments. Lily Evans had caused quite a stir when she'd – publicly, no less – forgiven Severus Snape during the end of year feast for calling her that horrid word.
The entire school had been invested in the friendship since they started at Hogwarts. “It'll never work,” they scoffed. “A Gryffindor and a Slytherin, best friends? Pishposh. It won't last once those true Slytherin colors come out.” And once the 'm' word slipped out, everyone had lined up to tell Lily “I told you so.” It had been unthinkable that she forgive Severus. After all, he was well on his way to becoming a Death Eater – the word was just the beginning of a long and dark path.
But Lily hadn’t listened to them. She’d forgiven Severus (once he’d really and truly cut ties with his friends) and that was that, as far as she was concerned. There had been, on more than one occasion during the last few days of term, in which she’d been bombarded by members of all houses, asking her if she was crazy. Or cursed. Or under the effect of some potion or other. Every single time Lily replied with a terse, “No, it’s none of your business anyway, good day” and then would turn away and head for wherever Severus was. Her reaction, her will to stand by him even through all the whispers and jibes, made Severus realize that it was time.
He had been waiting a long while to ask Lily Evans out, but had never found the right time. But now . . .
Severus sat alone in a compartment, staring absently out the window, trying to think of the right way to ask her to go out on a date. Every way he phrased it in his mind sounded horrible; cheesy, too strong, too demanding, too unsure. Lily deserved the perfect way to be asked out and it was up to Severus to find out what it was.
“Ugh,” a high-pitched voice grunted from the doorway. Severus turned his head to see a disgruntled looking Lily Evans standing there.
‘ Time’s up ,’ Severus thought to himself, hoping that he didn’t make a complete arse of himself.
Lily slammed the door shut behind her and flung herself into a seat. “I swear ,” she growled, clenching her fists tight, “the next person that asks me if you’ve slipped me a Befuddling Potion is going to get hexed !”
“They still won’t let it go?” Severus asked absently, only half aware of the words coming out of his mouth. The rest of his brain was occupied with how adorable Lily looked when she was angry: the way her lips twisted; the way her nose crinkled; the way her tiny, slim hands clenched together.
“No! It’s like they all have nothing better to do! ‘Oh, you’re crazy Evans!’ ‘Oh, are you dating him, Evans?’“‘Oh, he cursed you Evans!’ Gah!” Severus’ heart skipped a beat. People thought she was dating him? They thought Lily Evans would actually date him ?
“They . . .” Severus cleared his throat and tried again, attempting to keep his voice even. “They think we’re dating?”
Lily snorted. “Yes! Isn’t it the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?”
Severus’ stomach plummeted. The tone in which she used – the scornful, incredulous tone – cut like knives. “I – “
“I mean,” she continued on, not realizing he’d been trying to say something, “We’ve been friends for years but that’s all it’s ever been. How they can think that I’ve thought of you that way – Not that there’s anything wrong with you!” she added hastily, misinterpreting Severus’ look of pain for one of offense. “It’s just – you’re my best friend, like a brother.” Lily made a disparaging noise in the back of her throat. “Listen to me, venting on about all this when you already know – you feel the same.”
The sharp pain in Severus’ chest that had started as soon as Lily had said “I don’t think of you that way” had intensified. It felt as though white hot pokers were digging in his chest, ripping his heart into tiny pieces and dragging them, slowly, out through his navel. It crushed the air out of his lungs, made it hard for him to concentrate. This couldn’t be happening, he thought. It can’t, not after . . .
He noticed that Lily was staring at him oddly. Completely unsure of what she’d said or done, Severus just nodded his head and hoped it was the right gesture. It was about all he could do anyway.
Lily smiled. “I knew you did. And I have to say, Sev, I’m so glad for it. It’s nice to just sit and talk with a boy without him making a move or me worrying if he’s plotting about making a move.”
Severus nodded again and bit the inside of his lip. Tears were threatening to over-whelm him, but he refused to cry in front of her, refused to take away her happiness – her happiness of him being “just a friend” and not making a move - to console himself. He couldn’t do that to her anyway, no matter how hard he tried.
The train ride dragged on and each second hurt more than the last. It was excruciating for Severus to realize that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he changed about himself, Lily would only ever think of him as a friend. She would be near, but it would never be in the way he wanted, the way he needed. He wouldn’t be the one to give her her first kiss, or take her on her first date. In fact, he’d be forced to watch another man do that, watch another man make his love, his life, his everything happier than he ever could.
A jolt signaled to Severus that the train had reached the platform. He and Lily silently gathered their things and exited. Lily, upon spotting Petunia and her parents, told Severus she’d see him over the weekend and flounced away. Severus watched her disappear, his heart heavy and aching, before turning away to find his mother.
It would have been easier to try and spot his father, Severus thought bitterly to himself. Standing well over six feet tall, with broad shoulders, Tobias Snape was a man hard to miss in a crowd. Unfortunately, he stoutly refused to come unto the platform. (“Why would I want to surround myself with freaks ?” he always demanded.) Although Severus was glad for the delay in going home, it brought about a hard time trying to find his mother. Eileen Prince was small, barely taller than her fifteen year old son, making it almost impossible to see her over the much larger wizards. Not that it mattered much about her height – she had the kind of face that blended into the background, even when you were looking right at her.
A hand tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Severus turned his head – not wanting to turn all the way around in case it was Potter or one of his minions – and caught sight of his mother’s profile. He turned fully around and started at her. She seemed smaller somehow, slighter. At first, Severus irrationally wondered if he’d grown that much over the school year. But then, he caught sight of the bruises around her neck and jaw, despite the black turtle neck and grey scarf she was using to try and hide them.
She offered him a tremulous smile and held out her arms. Severus immediately stepped into her embrace, instantly hating Tobias with every fiber of his being for daring to lay a hand on his mother.
“Mum,” he said, stepping back and peering at her intently at her, “are you – “
“I’m fine,” she said, brushing him away. “Really, it looks worse than it is.” She gave him another smile and grabbed his trunk. “How was school? You hardly wrote at all this year.”
Severus clenched his jaw. His mother never wanted to talk about what Tobias did to her, never wanted to leave, or press charges. Every time he beat her she pretended it didn’t happen, even going as far as to beg Severus to not say anything. “Let’s just keep it in the family, okay?” she’d ask. “It won’t happen again.”
“Severus,” Eileen said, catching his attention. “Not now, please just . . . just let it go.”
He was tempted, sorely tempted, to make a scene in public. Maybe, he thought, maybe then someone would realize what was going on. Maybe someone could make it stop . . . He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. But that would mean letting people know that he couldn’t defend himself against an unarmed muggle, couldn’t defend himself or his mother. It would mean admitting he was weak and then Lily . . . Lily would definitely leave him.
“School was fine,” he said slowly, swallowing back pride and shame. “We had our O.W.L.s this year – that’s why I wasn’t able to write as much.”
“Ah, yes, I’d forgotten you had those fifth year. How do you think you did?”
And so continued the pointless small talk. Severus answered as calmly as he could, all the while raging internally at himself for letting this go on, for not stopping his mother from taking him back there. Back to the distorted man he still managed to call father. Back to the broken house he still managed to call home.
