Chapter 8: What Is and What Should Never Be

My head snapped up, my attention directed away from the little cherub that I was holding. I met Emily’s eyes; they held a sisterly wisdom to them as if she was prepared to bestow some vital understanding upon me. She took a deep breath, “When Sam and I were dating I was attracted to him of course, but it was vey different from anything that I had ever experienced. It was magnetic, I couldn’t concentrate on anything except for him and he became my entire life. After we were married, we discussed having children and the minute that I got the idea in my head it overtook me. I thought of nothing else, I practically stalked him throughout the house until he agreed that we should start trying for one.” I looked at her unsure as to why she was telling me this. “It was the most unreal experience that I have had since becoming introduced to the Quileute legends. Imprinting was easy to understand and I didn’t question it once it was explained to me but I had no one to explain this primal desire that devoured every intelligent thought that I had. All I could think about was becoming pregnant. I had dizzy spells, I acted strange and I felt separated from my body. It was like something took me over. Literally this is what was happening to me. It is some type of strange wolf hormone or something. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even tell Sam. I know he suspected something because for the first couple of weeks after our wedding we hardly left the house.” She blushed at the memory of what had kept them indoors so much. “After I was pregnant I was watching a nature documentary on wolves. They explained that the female is responsible for increasing the pack. It all clicked, right then. Don’t you see? Imprinting is necessary in order to ensure that the lineage is strong and endures. As the wives of Quileute wolves, this is our duty and the reason that we were chosen to be with Sam and Jake. We are the most compatible to them when it comes to strengthening the bloodlines and creating a new generation of wolves. Even though he is a vampire now he still has all of his wolf abilities; and it affects you Renesmee.” My eyes opened wide with this realization. “That’s what she has been trying to tell me!” I gasped out loud. Emily cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes at me, “Who?” I looked at her excitedly and then Levi stirred so I lowered my voice, “In my dreams of my daughter she keeps trying to tell me something. Maybe if Jake knew then he would understand.” I started sobbing. Emily looked at me in concern, “Nessie what is it?” I was crying so hard that I couldn’t get the words out, “He-he-he” she quietly set Sam down into one of the incubators right next to her bed and then took Levi from me and placed him in the other. She wrapped her arms around me, “Breathe, he won’t what Nessie?” I let out another wail, “He won’t let me have a baby Emily. He is scared that what happened to you or my mother will happen to me. Our baby will be the first of its kind a mingling of vampire and Quileute blood, and that terrifies him. He is keeping me from my daughter. Our little Sarah; our future.” I was in hysterics at this point. “And the worst part is that if what you are telling me is true, I can’t control this urge it is a packaged deal that comes with my being his wife. It is taking over my life, Emily. What will I do, be like this for eternity? I can’t take it.” I was crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. She held me close and rocked me, “Shhh, I will have Sam talk to him. You need to calm down.” She pulled me back and looked at me reassuringly, “He looks up to Sam, he will listen to him. You have been a very good friend to me I promise that I will help you as much as I can.” I hugged her, “Thank you Emily.” Just then the door opened and Jake stood there; guilt washed across his face. “Nessie I have to talk to you.” He walked towards me, “Jake I need to talk to you too. I know why I have been acting like this” He looked at me in consternation, “I heard the whole thing Renesmee. I knew that I shouldn’t have told you about the imprinting, I never should have involved you. I shouldn’t have asked you to marry me. This is all my fault; because of what I am you cannot have a normal future. I think that I should leave. You will be better off without me. We can have the marriage annulled.” I couldn’t even speak. He walked up to me and kissed me so fiercely that it scared me. He was dead serious. “I am not going to do this to you anymore it is unfair for you to want something as normal as to be a mother when I cannot give it to you without risking your life. If I stay with you it is going to hurt you because of this need to increase the pack. I cannot do that to you.” I stood up and staggered towards him, “Then just let me have your baby, please. It will stop afterwards,” I began to sob. He looked at me so sadly and placed his hand on my cheek, “I don’t know what would be worse; risking your life and giving you your wish or telling you no and living with what it does to you. Don’t you see? This is why I should leave.” Emily watched in shock as he kissed my cheek and headed for the stairs. Sobbing I followed him; I made it to the top of the stairs. The dizziness came back worse than ever, my peripheral vision was fading fast. “Jake,” I said weakly. He turned back as I started to fall down the stairs. He caught me with one hand. My stomach lurched viciously, I gasped, “Get me back upstairs to the bathroom, please.” I begged. He did as I asked and I barely made it to the toilet in time. My entire body first felt feverish and then clammy as I vomited. It happened three times. “Carlisle,” Jake screamed. “It’s ok,” I told him as I leaned my face against the cold ceramic tiles of the floor. “Jake I just threw up it’s no big deal.” His eyes were wide, “Renesmee you just vomited blood.” I wanted to tell him that it was most likely because that was the last thing I put in my stomach but I felt my stomach backing up on me again. I had never been this violently ill before. My grandfather whisked into the bathroom and helped me up after I finished. “Nessie what happened?” I didn’t even look at him I turned to Jake, “You can’t leave me. Don’t you see I am worse off without you? You imprinted on me that is forever, you have said so yourself. Please, I will deal with it. If you don’t want to have children I will try my best to ignore nature. Ok?” I stormed up to him and grabbed his shirt fiercely, “Don’t you ever talk like this again.” He put his arms around my shaking body. He kissed my cheeks and then my forehead, “I am sorry that I upset you, I just don’t know what else to do Nessie. I don’t want to hurt you.” I looked at him feebly, “and you think that by leaving you won’t hurt me? Do you really want to leave?” He looked at me in shock, “of course not, I love you more than my life but you deserve to be healthy and happy.If I cant give all of that to you then you should be with someone who can.” I growled at him, “Then stay.” He pulled me tightly to his chest and then scooped me up into his arms. “Ok princess, I’m not going anywhere.” I felt the tears coming as I spoke in a tiny voice, “Do you promise.” He nodded. My grandfather cleared his throat, “Nessie, are you feeling better.” I nodded. “I’m sorry about that, mom made me drink blood I wasn’t thirsty and then all of the yelling must have caused it.” He nodded, “I want you back in bed.” Jake held me close to him as he carried me back to Amore’s room. He lay me down on the bed and crawled beside me. He held me close and rubbed my hair, “I am so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” he mumbled. “All I have ever wanted to do was protect you and keep you happy. How can I protect you from myself?” I kissed his cheek, “I am happy,” I told him as I closed my eyes in vain hopes of bringing my vision to a stand still. Then I remembered a conversation that I had with Zafrina, “Don’t forget to tell your grandfather,” she had pleaded. I sat up in bed, “Grandpa!” I called. Jake sat up quickly, “What is it, are you alright?” I nodded. “We have to tell him about what Zafrina told us.” Jake growled, “Renesmee that can wait. Lay down you have to rest.” My grandfather came into the room with my father and mother. They all looked so incredibly worried that it broke my heart. “Are you alright?” My grandfather asked. I waved at them frantically to silence them, “It’s not me; I have to talk to you about something very important. When we saw Zafrina she said that Stefan is missing. Vladimir thinks that the Volturi might be responsible. Zafrina said that she is actually kind of suspicious herself because the first time we stood against them when I was little you had mentioned the possibility of them eventually picking us all off individually. After what happened with them recently I wonder if they are planning something against us all. Revenge." My grandfather looked at my father with narrowed eyes. “What do you think, Edward?” My father’s face turned to stone. My grandfather spoke to him urgently, “I will call Tanya and have her coven come down and we will discuss this further”. On their way out my father turned to Jake, “Jacob… I don’t mean to intercede but I have to. I wouldn’t forgive, myself if I didn’t try to change the course of history repeating itself in a negative way. Stay. Please don’t replicate my mistakes. You two need each other. You will find a way to work through it together. We will help you both in anyway that we can.” Jake nodded at him wordlessly and then they filed out of the room. As my grandfather walked out of the door he turned back to me, “Renesmee make sure that you are resting as much as possible. You have been through a lot today.” I felt Jake pull me back down into the bed. He held me close and rubbed my back. “Sleep princess, everything is alright. Sam, Emily and the babies are fine. Your family is taking care of the Volturi situation, and we will somehow come to a compromise in regards to the matter we are dealing with. Please just rest. Put it all out of your mind.” I let out a sigh and tried to follow his suggestion.
It started out as a peaceful dream. I was on the beach in La Push with Jake and then Sarah came toddling up to us. She threw her hands around both of our legs. “Don’t fight mommy and daddy please. Everything will be ok.” I reached down to pick her up. Her little heart shaped face was scrunched up in worry. Her vast brown eyes were looking deep into ours. As my arms were about to wrap around her she took a step back and ran into the woods. I tried to run after her but Jake held me back. I woke up screaming and crying. Jake was at my side. “It happened again didn’t it?” He asked the panic rising in his voice. I nodded, “she said that it will all be ok. She also begged us not to fight.” He looked at me in surprise, “I was in the dream this time?” I stopped and thought for a minute, he was right. I had never had a dream with both him and Sarah in it together before. As I pondered the significance of it my stomach reeled. I stumbled from the bed and down the hall to the bathroom. I got to the toilet just in time. I felt sweat breaking out along my brow line as I dry heaved for what felt like an eternity. Jake was right behind me with my grandfather. He helped me to my feet, his cool hands felt heavenly on my searing skin. “Ok princess, it’s alright. I’ve got you.” I was shaking all over and unsteady. “I am going to give you an exam now Renesmee we need to figure out what is going on with you.” I didn’t have the energy to argue with my grandfather I was scared that if I opened my mouth I would have another episode so I nodded miserably and resigned myself to the strong arms of my worried husband. Once back in my room my grandfather looked at both of us. “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” We looked at each other. Jake had been unreasonably careful every time that we had been together on our honeymoon, except... I gasped as I remembered the night in the rain forest when I had surprised us both with my strange behavior. Jake must have come to the realization at the same time because he looked at me and whispered, Oh my god.” I was going to comment but felt as though I was going to be sick again. I tried to get to the bathroom but couldn’t I was on the floor in the hallway again with the dry heaving. What a miserable feeling I prayed that something would come out so that I could get a sense of relief. I heard my grandfather behind me, “She hasn’t eaten anything the poor child she has nothing in her stomach to bring up.” I again felt cool arms around me as Jake picked me up. I pressed my clammy forehead against his cheek as he carried me back to bed. My grandfather was waiting with a needle, “I am going to do a blood test Renesmee.” He took the blood and I rolled over and fell asleep. I dreamt of her again, this time it was a very placid dream. I was in a rocking chair holding Sarah. She nestled her head against my chest as she stared at my face and smiled, “Mommy I told you it would be ok, daddy worries too much.” She leaned her little angel face up and kissed me lightly on the cheek. The kiss felt so real that I opened an eye and saw that Jake was kissing my cheek. “How are you feeling he whispered. “It is going to be alright,” I echoed my dream aloud. He looked at me oddly but didn’t say anything. There was a knock at the door and my grandfather walked into the room, “Nessie do you think that you can sit up?” He asked kindly. I put my arms around Jakes neck and he gingerly lifted me to a sitting position. I actually felt alright. My grandfather sat on the edge of the bed, “The results are back.” Jake took my hand and I looked at his facing searching for any sign of emotion but it was impassive. My grandfather took a deep breath; I already knew what he was going to say. I felt it in every cell of my body. “You are pregnant,” he revealed. I smiled to myself, my daughter had been communicating with me all along. I turned to Jake but he had looked away. “How far along is she?” He asked quietly. My grandfather scratched his head, “It is hard to say Jacob. This is going to be an unprecedented occurrence. I can try to draw a comparison to Bella’s experience but we are crossing two very different species. We are making history. Jake looked up his eyes riddled with terror, “what are we going to do?” I looked at him serenely, “We will be fine. Sarah came to me while I was sleeping. She said that it will work out. She also wanted me to tell you that you worry too much.” He snorted. My grandfather touched his shoulder, “I promise you I will observe her very closely Jacob. I am going to grab the ultrasound machine I am interested to see if we will be able to get any images. I shrugged, “It doesn’t matter, it’s a girl.” My grandfather looked at me incredulously, “How do you know?” “Jake told you, I have dreamt of her non stop, she talks to me.” My grandfather’s eyes lit up the way that they always do when he learns something new, “Amazing,” he murmured to himself as he went to go get the machine from Emily’s room. After he left Jake turned to me and buried his head in my neck, “Nessie please be logical about this.” I pulled his face up until it was level with mine, “I am being extremely logical, Jacob. You need to have a little more faith.” His eyes searched my face wildly, “Promise me. Promise me right now that you will be alright and that Sarah will be too.” I nodded as I leaned in to kiss him, “I promise.” I rubbed my nose against his, “We are really going to have a baby. Can you believe it?” He brushed his lips against mine but I could tell that his mind was preoccupied.