I was expecting the kind of reaction I used to get when I'd say those kinds of things. But she just looked at me. Speculating. Was she actually thinking about it?! My heart beat faster as I grabbed at the oportunity.
"I could stay with you." I blurted out, and then thought better of it. "Unless you wanted space, then I could find somewhere else. If you did not want me crowding you." I was so happy that I might get what I had dreamt of for so long, I was babbling on.
"What would you tell Charlie, Bella?" She said as though she could not believe I hadn't thought of that already.
I looked down, deflated. No I couldn't give up. Just think, Bella, I told myself. Okay, say this was a normal situation. That was a strech, and it took me a while to wrap my head around it, but when I did finally I got some ideas.
"I tell Charlie we're moving in together, and going to college somewhere really far away."
She looked suprised. Perfect.
"And what do you think that would help, Bella?" she did not sound mad. Just patient.
"What would it help? Alice...look at me! Do I look okay? What wouldn't it help?"
She opened her mouth to say something, and then shut it again. We sat there for a moment. Just lookig at each other. My eyes were begging, hers were thinking. Hard.
Her eyes grew wide, and suddenly my eyes weren't the only ones begging.
"Bella..." she said after a minute or two, in a slightly paniced voice. "I don't even know if I could, and there are so many things you don't know, and he'd kill me!" she blurted out.
I knew who she was talking about. Try as I may not to. I knew.
"Why...Why would he care? He left, Alice. He said he never wanted to see me again. The only thing he asked is that I be safe...How much safer can you get?" I argued. She was about to argue back at me, so I went on before she cold start.
"And what if he did care? So what? It's not his decition anymore. You could teach me what I don't know. And I believe in you. You can do it. Don't you think I have the right to make this decition for myself?"
She paused. Her eyes bored into mine.
"Yes." she answered quietly. "You do."
I jumped up. She stood up, too, and we stared at each other again. "Really?" I asked, breathless. Could this be happening? Did I finally just get what I've been wanting for almost a year?...Was it really only a year? It felt like an eternity...
"Will you really make me a vampire?" Excitement made my voice a little louder then it should have been. She, "Shh"ed me.
"There is no guarantee that I will be able to, Bella. You're taking a very big risk. And do you really think I'd be able to live without you? Especially if I had killed you myself?" she was panicing. She was acting so...human.
"Everything will be okay, Alice. Everything will be perfect." I was a lie. And yet it wasn't. If this worked, then I would be able to follow him...be able to follow Edward. There as no pain in thinking his name now. Not when I had hope. Not when I was going to see him again. Soon.
"And the pain?" she asked, breaking me from my daydream. "The year of you being a newborn?"
I was confused by her use of words. Newborn? I suppose I understood. I would be 'born' in a way. Born to a whole new life. A better life. I smiled. But I made myself focus. "I can handle the pain." It did not sound like a lie, because at the time I said it, I thought it was true. Then I remembered the ballet studio. The fire in my vains. I rubbed my wrist where I would always be scarred as if I could feel it again. Her eyes darted to my wrist and narrowed when she looked back at my face. "And you would help me, right?" I asked to distract her. "You wouldn't let me do anything." I said with confidence. I was winning this arguement. That was a first.
"Your friends?" she asked.
"Like who? Jessica?" I snorted. But then I thought back on it. The only reason why I hadn't thought of him at first was because it felt like another time. A time before Jacob Black was my best friend. It felt like time switched back to the present when I thought of him. I felt painfully guilty. I would miss him so much. But did he even want to talk to me anymore, or had he given up? I should let him give me up. It would be a lot easier to let him go if I had something other than him to keep me alive. And now I did have that. So I could. It hurt. But I had felt much worse. I could live through it. And so could he.
Alice must have seen the pain on my face, because she said skeptically, "Really?"
But I was sure now. So I answered her in a firm voice. "Yes. I'm sure."