Mario - A fat Italian plumber who sucks at his own job and has no other choice but to work as a hero in the land of mushroom drug trips and massacre every living creature in his way, including innocent turtle people, the wildlife, and even the infant son of the villain, all so he can get blue-balled in the end by the princess.

Sonic - a blue washed-up character who has taken a brutal beating from the Sega Mafia after Sonic 06, managed to get better with the help of his fans, but the mafia wasn’t done with him, as they came back for another meeting with Sonic’s legs and a baseball bat during the events of the making of Sonic Boom, a beating that doctors believe Sonic won’t be able to recover from this time.

Link - A quiet little kid with a whole lot of mommy issues and usually a sad orphan, having many different variations like a well set buffet, with characters including an emotionless kid that grows to an emotionless adult, a kid with the facial expressions of a cartoon character, a Jacob from Twilight wannabe, and whatever his expression was in the era before 3-D graphics

Master Chief - A space marine

Doom Guy - A space marine

Commander Shepard - A space marine

Marcus Fenix - A space marine

Lara Croft - A strong-minded woman with the greatest pixelated bust in the PS1 library since Soul Blade, before new gen graphics came and made her Bland McBoring Face

Kratos - A fallen god with a whole lot of anger issues, making him a recent descendent of the great ape family, with all the sexual energy of a dog in heat

Agent 47 - A deadly hitman with no personality to make him have any feelings for others (Except in Absolution), with a bald head that could reflect the sun and blind a mortal man

Solid Snake - A strong man of war whose old bones fuck his body up more than a meth addict, and basically ends up fucking up everything else in Snake’s live, earning him the gaming title of “Saddest Fuck in Gaming”.

Samus Aran - A powerful, strong hearted bounty hunter who is shown that women are able to be just as strong as men, and they too can be badasses, is what I would say, but thanks to Other M, and giving Samus a skin tight zero suit, we can chuck all that “Strong Female Character” shit right out the window and give her the title of “If I’m Sexy, Nothing Else Matters. Including Having a Personality”

Pac-Man - A moving pizza with one slice missing, turned to a yellow ball with arms and legs, turned into a “What Alcohol Does to You” character after his appearance in The Ghostly Adventures Fuck-Up of 2013

Pyramid Head - Once a symbol of pain and suffering, now turned into a bigger sell-out then Eddie Murphy, resulting in the great disaster that struck the world in only a few years after Silent Hill 2 that nearly killed hundreds, also known as Silent Hill: Revelations

Ray-Man - A character with no neck, no arms, no legs, and after the Raving Rabbids series, no respect until Ray-Man Origins where the world was able to tolerate him again

Cloud Strife - An ex-member of Soldier and a member of the rebel group Avalanche, being one of the biggest whiny bitches since Baby Mario, but I can still tolerate a lot more than Lighting. Hey, better to have an annoying personality than no personality at all

Worms - A strong group of characters whose only purpose is to die for the amusement of humans, like in real life.

Gordon Freeman - A physicist who is lacks vocal cords in order to talk, but makes up with it with his ability to wield every gun known to man, and become the messiah of the rebels who ask him to solve problems, thinking Freeman could cure cancer with the swing of his crowbar, which he possibly can if he wants to

Duke Nukem - A five year old in the body of a steroid addicted twenty year old who got into his dad’s gun cabinet and started running around, shouting every single word he learned from the twelve year olds on a match of Call of Duty

Dante - A strong and actually hilarious character gang raped by Ninja Theory to turn this once loveable asshole into just a complete asshole, with the personality of a whiny teen who got into an argument with his father because he couldn’t go to the party with his friends and needs to swear to prove he’s a big kid now

Mega Man - A robot with an arm cannon who helped Capcom gain popularity and, the one thing they lack today, respect, and of course, was repaid with being completely forgotten and not even mentioned in their latest fighting game, Marvel Vs. Capcom, and are only recently remembering that Mega Man was a thing that existed.

Pikachu - A friendly yellow rat with the ability to conduct electricity forced to go on the adventures with a kid who has no growth hormones and, in game, you will love and respect him until you capture a rare Pokemon and forever forget about your Pikachu and someone comes along and writes shitty creepypastas of it.

Crash Bandicoot - He’s dead

Whoever is in the next Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto - The only characters from the games that kids from the ages of 5 give a shit about anymore