Walter: (Buying masks, gloves, and a bottle of aspirin from the Mall-Mart)
Store Clerk: (Swiping items)
Customer: Come on, man. Hurry up
Walter: Hey, you mind shutting up? We all got crap we got to do
Customer: (To the store clerk) You aren’t questioning this guy buying all this stuff
Store Clerk: Honey, I make minimum wage a week. Unless this gets me a raise, I won’t question a damn thing
Walter: So, why don’t you stop poking your nose where it doesn’t belong and head to the express isle
Customer: It’s more than ten items
Walter: Well, look at you, with your body weight, I doubt you’ll be needing these (Takes out a pack of condoms and throws them behind his back)
Customer: (Walks off)
Phillip: (Spraying black paint on water guns)
Kid: Hey, that’s our water guns
Phillip: Oh, sorry kid. I thought they were just thrown here
Kid: You’d better give me some money, or else
Phillip: But I don’t have any money
Kid: Fine (Leaves)
Phillip: Oh well (Continues spraying paint on the gun)
Kid: Yeah, there he is
Snake Eyes: Who do you think you are messing with our water guns
Phillip: I thought they were left here
Snake Eyes: Well, you’re gonna make up for it, or we’ll deal with you ourselves
Phillip: (Laughs) Okay, this was cute at first, but you’re just first graders. What could you possible-
Snake Eyes: Get him
(The group of kids jump onto Phillip and start beating him up as he screams in pain)
Walter: (Smoking cigarette in his apartment) Jesus, what’s taking him so long
Phillip: (Walks in, covered in bruises and bite marks)
Walter: Jesus Christ, what happened to you?
Phillip: It was… a big dog
Walter: Well, jeez. Are you still able to do this job
Phillip: Come on, Walter. It’s only a dog. I think I’ll be fine
Walter: Alright then. If we’re going to do this, we’ll need to start out small. So, where would be the best place to go
Phillip: Well...
(They stop at an alley across from a Pump It)
Walter: A gas station, huh? I guess this will do (Hands Phillip a ski mask) Now put this on
Phillip: I don’t know. I much prefer a white ma-
Walter: Just put the damn thing on (Puts his mask on)
Phillip: Okay (Puts it on)
Walter: Okay, now, when we’re in there, I want you to keep an eye on the customers. Make sure they don’t try anything. While you do that, I’ll keep my eyes on the clerk as he gets the money. Can you do that
Phillip: Of course
Walter: Alright. Let’s do this (Gets out of the car and walks into the gas station)
Phillip: (Follows)
Mobster: (Places a suitcase in the back of the car)
Walter: (Walks into the gas station) ALRIGHT! EVERYONE ON THE GROUND
(The customers fall onto the ground as the Japanese clerk hides behind the counter)
Phillip: (Runs in) Let’s do th- (Slips on the wet floor and falls on his back) Ouch!
Walter: Really?! Right now!?
Phillip: Sorry, Walter
Walter: Alright, get up (Goes to the counter and aims his gun at the clerk) You. Put the money in the bag
Clerk: Wh-what bag
Walter: Oh god (Looks around and takes out a garbage bag from the trash can) Here, use this
Phillip: (Talks to the customers) Hey, how are you doing? I know this is pretty scary for you guys, but don’t worry. You’re doing great
Old Women: Oh, you modern robbers are so polite
Mobster: (On phone) Yeah, I got the stuff. The suitcase is hidden in a nice place. In some crappy car. Looked abandoned to me. Don’t worry. It’s not like any of our rivals have planned to surprised us. I gotta go, the buyers are here (Hangs up) Ah, hello
Gangster: Ah, I see that Ricardo sent one of his cronies. Oh well. Surely you have the money
Mobster: Of course
Gangster: Perfect. That’s all I needed to hear. I’m sure the Sanchez Family would be happy to hear this
Mobster: Sanchez? You son of a-
(The Gangster and his goons shoot the mobster dead)
Gangster: Oh, Ricardo. If only you had a business worth running (Searches through the mobster’s pockets) Where’s the money… Where’s the goddamn money! (Kicks the corpse) Goddamn it. Look around here. Try to find the money
Walter: Come on. Speed it up
Phillip: (Picks up a bag of chips) Hey, can we get some of these while we’re at it
Walter: What are you, five? Put those back! (Turns to the clerk) Come on. Go faster (Fires his gun and water comes out) What the hell?
(The clerk looks at the water coming from the gun)
Walter: Phillip, what the hell is this?
Phillip: Sorry, Walter. I couldn’t afford a real gun. They were too expensive
(The clerk goes into the back)
Walter: Are you kidding me?! I spent money on real masks and gloves and you couldn’t afford two goddamn handguns?!
Phillip: Handguns aren’t cheap, Walter.
(The clerk comes out with a shotgun)
Walter: HOLY HELL (Runs out of the way)
Phillip: (Runs, barely avoiding the gunfire)
Walter: (Runs to the car and gets in)
Phillip: (Gets in the car)
Clerk: (Chases them outside and fires at them, shooting out the left window)
Walter: JESUS CHRIST (Drives down the street, nearly avoiding the clerk)
Walter: (Parks the car at his apartment) Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!
Phillip: Sorry, Walter
Walter: …….. It’s not your fault…. I mean, it is. But I don’t blame you. We just weren’t ready for something like that
Phillip: I guess… Hey, Walter… Is this your suitcase
Walter: What are you talking about
Phillip: This (Hands him a suitcase)
Walter: (Looks at it) This isn’t mine (Opens the suitcase, revealing over fifty thousand dollars inside) Oh god… Is this what I think it is
Phillip: What is it- (Looks inside and falls against the car)
Walter: Oh god. I think I’m having a heart attack
Phillip: Wait… where did this come from
Walter: That is a good question….. But who cares. We got more money than we ever would have made robbing that gas station
Phillip: So, does this mean we’re done
Walter: No. Far from it. This is a sign. This is much more money I ever made at my old job. This must mean that I have found my calling. I think we could get more
Phillip: You sure you want to do that, Walter
Walter: Phillip, if this just so happens to get me killed, then so be it. At least I died doing something that actually makes me worth something to myself.
Police: So, Mr. Tsung, you said that there were two criminals in there
Mr. Tsung: Yes, I did. They came in and asked for the money
Officer: Well, don’t worry. I think we found one of them
Andrew: Officer, please. I had nothing to do with the robbery
Mr. Tsung: It’s true. Mr. Jefferson is a regular of mine
Officer: The more likely reason he’d try to rob you
Andrew: This is all because of the color of my skin, isn’t it
Officer: What?! How racist do you think we are? We are just questioning everyone
Andrew: You literally shouted at me to stop resisting when I was trying to get up off of the ground
Officer: Don’t question us
Henry: Will you stop questioning this man
Officer: Oh, Henry. I was just questioning him. He looked pretty suspicious
Henry: Just stop. I’ve already checked the footage on the camera. Their necks were exposed under their masks. They are clearly white males.
Officer: Alright (To Andrew) But I got my eye on you
Andrew: This is discrimination (Leaves)
Henry: I don’t know who these robbers are, but I’ll be sure to find them
Store Clerk: (Swiping items)
Customer: Come on, man. Hurry up
Walter: Hey, you mind shutting up? We all got crap we got to do
Customer: (To the store clerk) You aren’t questioning this guy buying all this stuff
Store Clerk: Honey, I make minimum wage a week. Unless this gets me a raise, I won’t question a damn thing
Walter: So, why don’t you stop poking your nose where it doesn’t belong and head to the express isle
Customer: It’s more than ten items
Walter: Well, look at you, with your body weight, I doubt you’ll be needing these (Takes out a pack of condoms and throws them behind his back)
Customer: (Walks off)
Phillip: (Spraying black paint on water guns)
Kid: Hey, that’s our water guns
Phillip: Oh, sorry kid. I thought they were just thrown here
Kid: You’d better give me some money, or else
Phillip: But I don’t have any money
Kid: Fine (Leaves)
Phillip: Oh well (Continues spraying paint on the gun)
Kid: Yeah, there he is
Snake Eyes: Who do you think you are messing with our water guns
Phillip: I thought they were left here
Snake Eyes: Well, you’re gonna make up for it, or we’ll deal with you ourselves
Phillip: (Laughs) Okay, this was cute at first, but you’re just first graders. What could you possible-
Snake Eyes: Get him
(The group of kids jump onto Phillip and start beating him up as he screams in pain)
Walter: (Smoking cigarette in his apartment) Jesus, what’s taking him so long
Phillip: (Walks in, covered in bruises and bite marks)
Walter: Jesus Christ, what happened to you?
Phillip: It was… a big dog
Walter: Well, jeez. Are you still able to do this job
Phillip: Come on, Walter. It’s only a dog. I think I’ll be fine
Walter: Alright then. If we’re going to do this, we’ll need to start out small. So, where would be the best place to go
Phillip: Well...
(They stop at an alley across from a Pump It)
Walter: A gas station, huh? I guess this will do (Hands Phillip a ski mask) Now put this on
Phillip: I don’t know. I much prefer a white ma-
Walter: Just put the damn thing on (Puts his mask on)
Phillip: Okay (Puts it on)
Walter: Okay, now, when we’re in there, I want you to keep an eye on the customers. Make sure they don’t try anything. While you do that, I’ll keep my eyes on the clerk as he gets the money. Can you do that
Phillip: Of course
Walter: Alright. Let’s do this (Gets out of the car and walks into the gas station)
Phillip: (Follows)
Mobster: (Places a suitcase in the back of the car)
Walter: (Walks into the gas station) ALRIGHT! EVERYONE ON THE GROUND
(The customers fall onto the ground as the Japanese clerk hides behind the counter)
Phillip: (Runs in) Let’s do th- (Slips on the wet floor and falls on his back) Ouch!
Walter: Really?! Right now!?
Phillip: Sorry, Walter
Walter: Alright, get up (Goes to the counter and aims his gun at the clerk) You. Put the money in the bag
Clerk: Wh-what bag
Walter: Oh god (Looks around and takes out a garbage bag from the trash can) Here, use this
Phillip: (Talks to the customers) Hey, how are you doing? I know this is pretty scary for you guys, but don’t worry. You’re doing great
Old Women: Oh, you modern robbers are so polite
Mobster: (On phone) Yeah, I got the stuff. The suitcase is hidden in a nice place. In some crappy car. Looked abandoned to me. Don’t worry. It’s not like any of our rivals have planned to surprised us. I gotta go, the buyers are here (Hangs up) Ah, hello
Gangster: Ah, I see that Ricardo sent one of his cronies. Oh well. Surely you have the money
Mobster: Of course
Gangster: Perfect. That’s all I needed to hear. I’m sure the Sanchez Family would be happy to hear this
Mobster: Sanchez? You son of a-
(The Gangster and his goons shoot the mobster dead)
Gangster: Oh, Ricardo. If only you had a business worth running (Searches through the mobster’s pockets) Where’s the money… Where’s the goddamn money! (Kicks the corpse) Goddamn it. Look around here. Try to find the money
Walter: Come on. Speed it up
Phillip: (Picks up a bag of chips) Hey, can we get some of these while we’re at it
Walter: What are you, five? Put those back! (Turns to the clerk) Come on. Go faster (Fires his gun and water comes out) What the hell?
(The clerk looks at the water coming from the gun)
Walter: Phillip, what the hell is this?
Phillip: Sorry, Walter. I couldn’t afford a real gun. They were too expensive
(The clerk goes into the back)
Walter: Are you kidding me?! I spent money on real masks and gloves and you couldn’t afford two goddamn handguns?!
Phillip: Handguns aren’t cheap, Walter.
(The clerk comes out with a shotgun)
Walter: HOLY HELL (Runs out of the way)
Phillip: (Runs, barely avoiding the gunfire)
Walter: (Runs to the car and gets in)
Phillip: (Gets in the car)
Clerk: (Chases them outside and fires at them, shooting out the left window)
Walter: JESUS CHRIST (Drives down the street, nearly avoiding the clerk)
Walter: (Parks the car at his apartment) Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!
Phillip: Sorry, Walter
Walter: …….. It’s not your fault…. I mean, it is. But I don’t blame you. We just weren’t ready for something like that
Phillip: I guess… Hey, Walter… Is this your suitcase
Walter: What are you talking about
Phillip: This (Hands him a suitcase)
Walter: (Looks at it) This isn’t mine (Opens the suitcase, revealing over fifty thousand dollars inside) Oh god… Is this what I think it is
Phillip: What is it- (Looks inside and falls against the car)
Walter: Oh god. I think I’m having a heart attack
Phillip: Wait… where did this come from
Walter: That is a good question….. But who cares. We got more money than we ever would have made robbing that gas station
Phillip: So, does this mean we’re done
Walter: No. Far from it. This is a sign. This is much more money I ever made at my old job. This must mean that I have found my calling. I think we could get more
Phillip: You sure you want to do that, Walter
Walter: Phillip, if this just so happens to get me killed, then so be it. At least I died doing something that actually makes me worth something to myself.
Police: So, Mr. Tsung, you said that there were two criminals in there
Mr. Tsung: Yes, I did. They came in and asked for the money
Officer: Well, don’t worry. I think we found one of them
Andrew: Officer, please. I had nothing to do with the robbery
Mr. Tsung: It’s true. Mr. Jefferson is a regular of mine
Officer: The more likely reason he’d try to rob you
Andrew: This is all because of the color of my skin, isn’t it
Officer: What?! How racist do you think we are? We are just questioning everyone
Andrew: You literally shouted at me to stop resisting when I was trying to get up off of the ground
Officer: Don’t question us
Henry: Will you stop questioning this man
Officer: Oh, Henry. I was just questioning him. He looked pretty suspicious
Henry: Just stop. I’ve already checked the footage on the camera. Their necks were exposed under their masks. They are clearly white males.
Officer: Alright (To Andrew) But I got my eye on you
Andrew: This is discrimination (Leaves)
Henry: I don’t know who these robbers are, but I’ll be sure to find them
