Light: Hello, I name is Light Yagami, and I kill people….. let me start over
(Please Stand By)
Light: Hi, I’m Light. I kill people- Goddamnit
(Please Stand By)
Light: Hi, I am Light Yagami. I like murder- FUCK
(Please Stand By)
Light: I’m Light Yagami. That’s all you need to know. End of story.

Intro: link

Light: (Looking out the window when he see’s a notebook fall from the sky) …… The hell is that? Mr. Teacherman, may I be excused
Teacher: NO!
Light: ‘Kay
(After class)
Light: (Picks up the notebook) OOOOOHH! A depressed emo’s diary. I wonder what’s insi- (Opens book) There’s nothing inside. Shit. What good is reading a diary when there’s nothing in it
(Walks home, and realizes he is holding the Death Note)
Light: ……… Well……. Guess it’s mine now
TV Anchor: This just in, the notorious child puncher, Siogaga Mitsu-something has struck again, and kidnapped a group of kids at the local elementary school. Can no one stop this heinous act?
Light: Oh, Local Elementary School. I love that place. I guess I could use this diary. (Writes in it) Dear Light’s Badass Diary of Secrets, some weird guy kidnapped a bunch of kids. I can think about all the kids there, like Timothy Grayson, Andrew Anderson-
(Ten Minutes Later)
Light: And Suzy Brown. I hope they all make it out of that safely
Anchor: This just in. All of the children are dead and Siogaga has escaped. What kind of heartless bastard would murder children like that
Light: Oh my god…….. (Raises the Death Note into the air) I HAVE THE POWEEEEERRRR!
Ryuk: Do you always talk to yourself
Light: AHH! Begon Emo Jesus
Ryuk: What? No. I’m Ryuk
Light: You can’t fool me, Emo Jesus. Go back to the Hot Topic from whence you came
Ryuk: Oh dear god, this is the guy who picked up my Death Note
Light: YOUR Death Note? It’s my Death Note
Ryuk: No, it’s mine
Light: Oh yeah, I don’t see your name on it
Ryuk: That’s because if I did that, I’d die
Light: Ha ha ha! …. What?
Ryuk: You see, when anyone’s name is written down on the Death Note, they die of a heart attack in less than forty minutes
Light: You’re bullshiting me
Ryuk: Try it out
Light: Okay (Writes a name in the Death Note and waits)
Anchor: This just in. Kim Kardashian is dead
Light: (Gasps) So it’s true. I can kill whoever I want with this book. And I know just what to do. I will use this Death Note to kill every single evil person who I deem evil. Like that store clerk who wouldn’t accept my credit card. I’ll get you yet, Mark. And I shall become the god of this new world.
Ryuk: And you’re not worried that some creepy guy is going to try and stop you
Light: Please. I’m the main character. That means I instantly win at everything. I’ll never die…. Never.

Police: Okay, lets discuss the issue with the deaths of criminals
Chief: Oh right. Thats a thing. So, fifty two people have been killed
Police: So, do we catch him?
Chief: We would, but………………………….
Police: But?
Chief: …………………….
Police: …………………….
Watari: Hello, gentleman. I am Watari. I am the assistant to L
Matsuda: Who is L?
Chief: Matsuda, get out!
Matsuda: But-
Chief: GET THE FUCK OUT!
Watari: Anyway, this is L (Shows a laptop)
Chief: OH MY GOD! L WAS A COMPUTER ALL ALONG! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
L: No, you idiot. I am calling from the laptop. I am here to tell you that I have become interested in this case to catch this killer. After seeing how much of a asshole he is, it fills me with so much disgust, that I want to do nothing but bring him to justice. Are you all willing to help me
Chief: WHY DID NOONE TELL ME L WAS A ROBOT
L: Yeah, that’s great.

Ryuk: So, Light, what’s your genius plan for hiding the Death Note
Light: Easy. I placed the Death Note in my desk drawer. However, the drawer knob is connected to a wire filled with explosives. If anyone were to open the drawer with little care as possible, the entire house would explode.
Ryuk: You’re going to blow up the entire house over a notebook
Light: Yep.
Ryuk: And where the hell did you even get explosives
(Meanwhile)
Bomb-chu Merchant: (With Hindu accent) Moving to Japan was my best idea ever
(Meanwhile)
Light: (Online) Well, look at that. Looks like people have decided to call me Kira
Ryuk: You just looked this up on the internet
Light: Yeah. My alias alone has over a million search results
Anchor: Citizens of Japan. We interrupt your dumb crap to bring you an important message
Lind L. Tailor: Kira. Are you listening
Light: Nope
Lind L. Tailor: I am L
Light: What the fuck is L?
Lind L. Tailor: I have heard of your terrible crimes
Light: Seriously, I’ve never heard of this guy before. Who is he?
Lind L. Tailor: Kira, what you are doing is evil
Light: …… HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DID A GOOD THING YESTERDAY
(Yesterday)
Light: Okay, all I have to do is kill the guy robbing the bank. It shouldn’t be too har- The cashiers wearing a YOLO shirt (Writes the cashier's name in the Death Note)
(Present Time)
Light: Well, we’ll see how evil I am when I kill you in cold blood
Ryuk: That is actually kind of evil
Light: Shut up, Ryuk. No one asked you
Ryuk: I was just saying
Light: (Writes Lind L. Tailor’s name in the Death Note) Who’s evil now
Ryuk: You still
Light: I said shut up
Lind. L Tailor: (Awkwardly quiet) I don’t feel so- (His head falls onto the desk)
Light: I did it. I win. Roll credits
(Credits roll)
(An L appears on screen)
L: Hello, Kira. I am L
Light: OH MY GOD! HE’S IN MY TV!
L: Thank you so much for proving that you can kill people from a distance, Kira.
Light: Oh, so what. It’s not like you aired this entire program in just the Kanto region of Japan
L: I was also only airing this program in the Kanto region of Japan, so now I know where to find you, Kira. It just goes to show you, that I am the superior…. ‘Kay, bye (Turns off program)
Light: ….. THAT DIRTY FU-
To Be Continued