When it comes to falling for somebody you know you can never be with because
a) it's forbidden
b) potentially destructive or even fatal
c) completely hopeless,
there are only three things you can do. Deny, deny and then deny some more. You avoid contact with him as much as possible, which isn't easy in a small town. You refrain from uttering his name out-loud to anyone, not even in passing. Not even to yourself. You keep any feelings you have for him locked up tight, and you throw away the key. In the daytime, you can hide. Don't think, don't think, don't think about him. You can lie, deny, ignore, avoid...but you cannot admit the truth. Not to anyone. Not ever. Does that sound impossible? Maybe. But what else can you do when you long for someone you shouldn't love?
If it wasn't for this diary, I would have gone insane a long time ago. If I had someone I could talk to about this, then maybe I wouldn't feel so wretched. But I can't think of anyone who would understand. Not Caroline. Definitely not Bonnie. And anyway, if I did tell someone, there's no guarantee that they would keep my secret safe. It could be all over school in a matter of hours, and Stefan would be bound to hear about it and confront me and...I have nightmares about that. I'm even anxious about leaving my diary in my room sometimes.
Apart from writing, I find comfort in routine. As long as I keep myself busy then I'm OK. I'll even have rare moments when I tell myself I'm handling it and I've got everything under control. But sooner or later, something always happens to knock me off balance, and it occurs on the days when I least expect it.
Friday night in Mystic Falls. The upside? The weekend has officially begun. The downside? Too many people hanging out in one place makes it inevitable you bump into someone you've been trying to avoid.
When we arrive at the Mystic Grill around eight o' clock, it's pretty crowded. I realise far too late that this is not a good setting if my 'stay-away-from-Damon' mission has any chance of success. Of all the places he would be on a Friday night, it would be here. After we sit down, I scan the room looking for him, but I can't see him anywhere. Instead of feeling relieved about this, I feel strangely disappointed.
"Are you looking for someone?" Stefan asks.
"Only Bonnie...and Caroline and Matt. They said they'd be here. Oh look, there they are." I wave to them and smile, but inside I'm already regretting the evening, and it hasn't even started yet. I can't work out if my regret is associated with Damon's absence or not.
The Grill gets busier and busier. I'm so engrossed in the conversation we're having, I don't notice who's walked in until Stefan looks up and remarks "Look who's here."
"Great," Caroline says flatly at the same time Bonnie mutters "I knew things were too good around here."
My heart skips a beat as I glance casually at Damon who is standing at the bar. "He's not that bad, you know."
"If he's not that bad, then how come even you've stopped hanging out with him?" Bonnie challenges me.
"Yeah, you two used to be pretty good friends once. What happened?" Caroline asks.
Acutely aware of Damon standing not too far away, and Stefan's eyes on my face, I can feel myself blushing ridiculously. "I haven't stopped hanging out with him..."
Yeah, right.
"I guess I haven't seen him much lately," I conclude. It sounds weak, even to me.
"Nobody would blame you if you did decide to drop him as a friend." Bonnie's voice is kind, but I can't help wincing a little.
Part 2 Coming Soon
a) it's forbidden
b) potentially destructive or even fatal
c) completely hopeless,
there are only three things you can do. Deny, deny and then deny some more. You avoid contact with him as much as possible, which isn't easy in a small town. You refrain from uttering his name out-loud to anyone, not even in passing. Not even to yourself. You keep any feelings you have for him locked up tight, and you throw away the key. In the daytime, you can hide. Don't think, don't think, don't think about him. You can lie, deny, ignore, avoid...but you cannot admit the truth. Not to anyone. Not ever. Does that sound impossible? Maybe. But what else can you do when you long for someone you shouldn't love?
If it wasn't for this diary, I would have gone insane a long time ago. If I had someone I could talk to about this, then maybe I wouldn't feel so wretched. But I can't think of anyone who would understand. Not Caroline. Definitely not Bonnie. And anyway, if I did tell someone, there's no guarantee that they would keep my secret safe. It could be all over school in a matter of hours, and Stefan would be bound to hear about it and confront me and...I have nightmares about that. I'm even anxious about leaving my diary in my room sometimes.
Apart from writing, I find comfort in routine. As long as I keep myself busy then I'm OK. I'll even have rare moments when I tell myself I'm handling it and I've got everything under control. But sooner or later, something always happens to knock me off balance, and it occurs on the days when I least expect it.
Friday night in Mystic Falls. The upside? The weekend has officially begun. The downside? Too many people hanging out in one place makes it inevitable you bump into someone you've been trying to avoid.
When we arrive at the Mystic Grill around eight o' clock, it's pretty crowded. I realise far too late that this is not a good setting if my 'stay-away-from-Damon' mission has any chance of success. Of all the places he would be on a Friday night, it would be here. After we sit down, I scan the room looking for him, but I can't see him anywhere. Instead of feeling relieved about this, I feel strangely disappointed.
"Are you looking for someone?" Stefan asks.
"Only Bonnie...and Caroline and Matt. They said they'd be here. Oh look, there they are." I wave to them and smile, but inside I'm already regretting the evening, and it hasn't even started yet. I can't work out if my regret is associated with Damon's absence or not.
The Grill gets busier and busier. I'm so engrossed in the conversation we're having, I don't notice who's walked in until Stefan looks up and remarks "Look who's here."
"Great," Caroline says flatly at the same time Bonnie mutters "I knew things were too good around here."
My heart skips a beat as I glance casually at Damon who is standing at the bar. "He's not that bad, you know."
"If he's not that bad, then how come even you've stopped hanging out with him?" Bonnie challenges me.
"Yeah, you two used to be pretty good friends once. What happened?" Caroline asks.
Acutely aware of Damon standing not too far away, and Stefan's eyes on my face, I can feel myself blushing ridiculously. "I haven't stopped hanging out with him..."
Yeah, right.
"I guess I haven't seen him much lately," I conclude. It sounds weak, even to me.
"Nobody would blame you if you did decide to drop him as a friend." Bonnie's voice is kind, but I can't help wincing a little.
Part 2 Coming Soon
