(The story starts at the restaurant, where Duncan and Courtney are on their date.)
Duncan: Where's your boyfriend now, Babe? (giggles)
Courtney: Well, according to this shirt, it says my boyfriend is right here (kisses Duncan's cheek, making him laugh.)
Duncan: (jumps to the other side of her) How about now?
Courtney: (flips upside down with the arrow pointing to Duncan) Right by my side. (both laugh) Aww, dating that announces our feelings for each other (sniffs) let's get them, Duncan.
Waiter: Can I help you with something?
Courtney: I believe you can. My boyfriend and I would like to purchase...(Duncan is glaring at her) Duncan, what are you staring at me for?
Duncan: You...found a new boyfriend.
Courtney: Oh, what are you... (sees her shirt point to the waiter next to her) Ahhhhh!!!! Wait, this isn't what it looks like! Look out, behind you!!
Female: Excuse me, but does this come in...
Duncan: Noooo!!!! You're not my girlfriend!!!
Courtney: We gotta ditch these outfits! They're sending out the wrong signals! (They tear off their shirts and stomp on them; they soon get kicked out of the restuarant)We need new clothes to show off our dating, Duncan.
Duncan: You mean like those guys? (points to the guys dressed up in red and blue uniforms)
Courtney: Yeah, just like those guys. (walk in the fields) Wow, dating outfits like these really know how to make a statement.
Duncan: Yeah, look at this guy.
Courtney: Wow! I like that guy. Excuse me, mister, but where did you and your boyfriend buy your matching outfits?
Zoey: Oh, these aren't my boyfriend. In fact, I hate just about everyone here, but my love for historic battles is so great I join these losers every year to re-enact the battle of love and hate.
Courtney: There was a battle of love and hate? (Duncan and Zoey gasp in shock)
Duncan: Well, duh, Princess. It's only the most significant event in Total Drama history! Long time ago, the town was divided into 2 groups (shows flashback of a girl washing her hands) Those who spent their time washing their hands like softies (shows fish's clean hands)
Girl: Clean as a whistle!
Duncan: And those who had more important matters with their time (a Colonial version of Duncan comes out of a bathroom with filthy hands)
Colonial Duncan: That looks good to me.
Girl: That is truly disgusting!
Duncan: Oh, yeah?
Girl: You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts!
Duncan: Oh, yeah?!
Girl: Yes! (Duncan slaps her with a glove and they begin fighting; a battleground is shown, with one cannon being filled with filth, and the other with soap bars)
Girls: Wash your hands!!!
Boys: Never!!! (the battle begins with the groups firing at each other) (End flashback)
Duncan: And that's how we won our right to wash as we please. (he shows his filthy hands)
Courtney: Duncan, that's so gross!
Zoey: (disgusted) No, that's not how it happened, you stupid delinquent. Ugh! (walks away)
Courtney: (looking disturbed) You mean you don't wash your hands, ogre?!
Duncan: Never have, never will.
Duncan: Does that bother you, huh, Princess? (flashbacks)
They only had one ice cream cone. (has scoop of ice cream in hand)
Courtney: That's ok. Thank you, sweetie. (licks it off Duncan's hand)
(another flashback, with them eating at a restaurant)
Courtney: (swallows food) So, anyway, and then I said...
Duncan: (interrupts) Oh, wait. You've got something on your tongue.
Courtney: I do?
Duncan: here, I'll get it. (grabs Courtney's tongue and takes a piece of meat off it)
Courtney: Thank you. (end flashback) Eh, frankly, yes, it does bother me.
Duncan: Well, I guess we can't be dating.
Courtney: What are you saying?
Duncan: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you? (Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall) U...R... huh... How do you spell "not my girlfriend"?
Courtney: Oh, come on, we can work this out. We'll start a new life, just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray.(sprays all around her, making a spray house) Come on in, Duncan. Here, let me take your coat for you (takes off Duncan's coat, which reveals filth on his body)
Duncan: No, thank you. (Takes back his coat) I happen to like my various smells and germs.
Courtney: But being clean is so much better.
Duncan: Well, says you. I like dirty.
Boy in blue uniform: Excuse us, but we have a battle to re-enact.
Courtney: Fine, if that's the way it is, then (tears off fish's red outfit) I am taking the other side!
Duncan: (tears off fish's blue outfit) Fine, me too!
Boy: Ah, come on! Let's go play somewhere else.
(cuts to Duncan looking through binoculars; Courtney sneaks up on him and gets his "nose")
Courtney: Ha! I got your nose!
Duncan: Hey, give it back!
Courtney: Not until you wash your hands!
Duncan: Yeah, well (takes Courtney's eyes) I got your eyeballs!(runs with them, but sees that they are bombs, which squirt water out)
Courtney:(gets eyeballs back and laughs) (Duncan launches his brain at Courtney like a cannon and hits her) Aghhh!! Eww, brain juice!
Duncan: (puts brain back in his head) Do you give up yet, honey?
Courtney: Sorry, ogre (wipes herself off), but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me.
Duncan: Your pants are falling down.
Courtney: They are?
Duncan: I'll fix it. (Takes dirt and puts it in Courtney's pants, then yanks her panties, making Courtney squish up with dirt.)
Duncan: There, you look good now.
Courtney: You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet.
Duncan: Why, what's wrong with them?(shows his feet are filthy)
Courtney: Don't worry, I'll take care of it.(Attacks Duncan and starts doing a pedicure on his feet)
Duncan: No! Not a pedicure!! Ahhh!!! No, not that, anything but tha--ahh! Nail Polish?! (shows his feet look better) You sick little chick! The gloves are off now. (Takes his hand off to show a human hand) It's booger time!
Courtney: Oh, booger, smooger, you even have a nose.
Duncan: oh, yeah?(He clenches his face, and forms a nose. Courtney gasps, and Duncan picks his nose.)
Courtney: Ahhh, booger!!! Ahhhhh!!! (runs to the Krusty Krab, with Duncan behind him) Run, Owen! Duncan is digging for gold!( they run into the kitchen)
Owen: Gold? Heehee! (runs to find the gold, but comes out with nothing.)
Noah: Did you get any of Duncan's "gold"?
Owen: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.
(cuts to the kitchen)
Duncan: Ha! I got you now!
Courtney: (looks around and sees a perfume) Careful, I got a weapon!(sprays perfume at Duncan's eyes)
Duncan: Ahhh!! Raw onions?!!(starts crying) Grr! That does it!!(picks up Courtney's PDA) See this?
Courtney: My PDA? What are you gotta do, look at it?
Duncan: Oh, I'm not going to look at it.(he puts her PDA on his kiwis)
Courtney: No, Duncan!!
Duncan: Princess, your precious PDA on my stinky kiwis!(starts stomping around)
Courtney: You better stop that!
Duncan: (laughs) Stinky, little kiwis! (stomps and hops around)
Courtney: (getting angry) Ergggg, You stop that right now!!!!(She turns red and inflates angrily)
Duncan: Holy...(Courtney blows up and sends Duncan flying)..CRRAAAPPP!!!(he lands in a dumpster and gets out) Hey, I got my filth back!
Coutney: Not for long, Mr. StickyShorts! You won't have your filth once I use this on you!(shows a soap bar and eats it.)
Duncan: (terrified) No, not soap! You wouldn't dare!
Courtney: Try me!
Duncan: (lifts up the dumpster) Listen, Babe, I'll do it!
Coutrney: It's too late for that!(She starts shooting soap bubbles out of her hands, while Duncan throws the dumpster at Courtney. The bubbles hit Duncan, and Courtney laughs in victory, only to have the dumpster fall on her.)
Duncan: (now clean) My beautiful filth! It's gone! I'm squeaky clean!!
Courtney: (climbs out of dumpster and is quite filthy) I'm covered in muck and scum!!
Duncan: Man! To get my filth back, I’ll have to wallow in mud forever!
Coutney: It'll take weeks for me to get clean. I'll have to take 20 baths a day!
Duncan: Slather toe jam on my armpits?
Courtney: I'll have to disinfect my eyeballs!
Duncan: Smear slime on my teeth?
Courtney: And dry-clean my uvula!
(they think for a minute and then they giggle happily)
Both: All right!
Courtney: Now that I'm filthy, I can spend all day getting clean.
Duncan: And since I'm clean, I could get even filthier! Thanks, Courtney!(shakes hands)
Courtney: No, Duncan, thank you.
(They make out in 20 minutes)
Zoey: Hey, what's going on here? This battle isn't over until we have a winner.
Courtney: (philosophically) Fret not, my dear friend, for I have learned the truth. It matters not whether one is dirty or clean, for can cleanliness exist without filthiness, and would we know filthiness without cleanliness? We must not re-enact the history that divides us, rather we must embrace that which draws us together. All must be free to choose their own path. Right, boyfriend?
Duncan: Squeaky clean, squeaky, squeaky (rubs himself everywhere, making a squeaky sound)
Courtney: (nods) Mmm-hmm, he has embraced the truth.
Zoey: Wow! I think Courtney has taught us a valuable lesson.
Courtney: And what is that?
Zoey: That re-enacting battles is really lame! (talks to other fish) C'mon, guys, let's go do something more manly, like football!
LeShawna: Or hockey!
Ezekiel: Or knitting fluffy sweaters!
(they pause, and then run off, cheering)
Courtney: Kiss me, Duncan, my work here is done. (they make out into the sunset)