Ways To Humiliate, Annoy or Infuriate Ronald Weasley.
(These work best if you are a Slytherin.)
1. “DAYWALKER!”
2. Give him Clearasil wipes for his birthday.
3. Paint his room maroon when he isn’t looking.
4. Tell him Emerson’s considering making a move on Hermione, then look sympathetic and explain that you understand why he’s threatened, Emerson’s so... so...*dreamy sigh*
5. Depending on how badly he takes it and how funny you think it is, repeat number 4 with Harry/Draco/Dean/Michael Corner/Lockhart/Crabbe/Goyle/Snape/Sirius/any random boy or girl from Hogwarts, every few hours.
6. Nicknames and lots of them. Carrot top, Ginger nut, Duracell and Ginger Minger being but a few.
7. Write them in big letters all over the school.
8. “Weasley Is Our King”- the Slytherin version, of course, off key in the middle of the Great Hall.
9. “You know what they say; a little owl means a little... brain...”
10. Tell him that, even though his Mummy loves Harry better, you’ll always be there as a shoulder to cry on.
11. Tell him that Hermione doesn’t want Lavender’s sloppy seconds.
12. Ask him if his nose gets in the way when he eats.
13. Fill a water gun with suntan lotion, and follow him round on sunny days squirting him every five minutes. When questioned, tell him in a lofty voice “Skin cancer kills!”
14. Tell him that he’s been shortlisted for the all-time Best Useless Sidekick award...
15. But that he lost to Robin. It’s a cruel world...
16. Ask him if he’s sad that he was the baby his parents wanted to be a girl...
17. And then say “Oh well, I’m sure you were an OK substitute until Ginny came along!”
18. Handwrite a smutty Dramione fanfiction from Hermione’s point of view, and scatter various pages anywhere you think he’ll stumble across them... Draco/Ginny could work just as well, as could Harry/Hermione. Or, even better, all three!
19. Ask him if he swallowed a bottle of Skele-Gro when he was a child.
20. Ask him if he has to have his shoes specially made, or if he just borrows Hagrid’s.
21. Ask him if Ginny had to work in a brothel to pay for her school books.
22. Give him a big, fluffy maroon spider and a special packet of all-corned-beef-flavour Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans for his birthday.
23. Get the twins to invent a kind of sweet that turns your hair ginger. Spike all the pumpkin juice with it at breakfast. When everyone suddenly turns ginger, leap onto the table and scream “It’s WEASLEY! He’s CONTAGIOUS!”
24. Get Madam Pomfrey to hospitalize him for spattergroit.
25. Tell him that L’Oreal want him to be the “before” in their latest “before and after” ad.
26. Tell him you know exactly how he can get a date for the Yule Ball. When he looks all hopeful and asks how, tell him to Polyjuice himself into Harry...
27. “You know, I never realized, but apparently it was Lavender who dumped him. He shouted out ‘Draco’ in the middle of sex...”
28. Transfigure a whole pile of Playwizard magazines to show Ginny on the cover, and then leave them all over the school.
29. Tie his broom to the ground with fishing line, so when he tries to take off he ends up shooting off the end.
30. Petition Dumbledore to make “Weasley Is Our King”- the Slytherin version- the new school song. The man’s a nutter, of course he’ll agree!
31. Tell him that Hermione decided to go out with Cormac because he has a holiday villa in the Maldives and she didn’t much fancy living in a family-sized pigsty.
32. Tell him he might want to go and tell Ginny that McGonagall’s looking for her, her order from Gladrag’s fetish section just came through.
33. When he goes purple and asks you where she is, say that you last saw her heading off towards the Room of Requirement with Dean. Or was it Michael? It could have been Blaise Zabini, now you come to think about it, he looks like Dean from behind...
34. Tell him you love his Halloween costume; when he says he isn’t wearing one, laugh and say “Oh, what, the dirt-poor orphan look is intentional?”
35. Spread a rumour around school that his Boggart is his mother.
36. Send him a Howler ostensibly from his Auntie Muriel berating him for stealing her clothes and informing him he will pay for those high heels he stretched out with his enormous feet!
37. Intercept him after he lands the flying car in Chamber of Secrets and tell him that Ginny’s been made a Slytherin.
38. Get her to play along with it for a few weeks: hanging out with Malfoy, getting given points from Snape, talking loudly that she had no idea what could be done with a length of rope and a few paddles until her first Slytherin Party...
39. Transfigure all his Chudley Cannons merchandise into Holyhead Harpies merchandise.
40. Transfigure all his Chudley Cannons action figures into Viktor Krum action figures.
41. Tell Ron Hermione was doing something extremely inappropriate with said action figures last week in the Girls’ Dorms.
42. Get everyone to start calling him Roonil Wazlib, including the teachers and his parents. Hopefully it’ll go on for long enough that he starts accidentally using it himself, and poor little Hugo and Rose will have to put up with being the Wazlibs for all eternity.
43. Charm the Mirror of Erised so that it shows Ron as a girl: he’ll never be right in the head again.
44. Tell Ron that they got it the wrong way round in Goblet of fire. Hermione was what Harry would miss the most, and he was what Krum would miss the most.
45. Make sure you say this within earshot of Rita Skeeter.
46. Make sure Slughorn throws a party on Ron’s birthday, invites everyone but him, and says they’ll all get detention if they don’t go. Go to the common room, where he’ll be sitting dejected amongst uneaten party food, and tell him that everyone else would have come, but Malfoy had managed to get hold of some Firewhiskey so everyone decamped to the Slytherin Common Room.
47. Slip some Veritaserum in his pumpkin juice and ask him, at the breakfast table, what he really thinks of Snape/Hermione/Lavender etc. Make sure everyone hears this. Use a Sonorous Charm if you have to.
48. Spike one of his drinks with out-of-date Felix Felicis.
49. “Your middle name’s Bilius? What, were your parents drunk?”
50. Polyjuice yourself into Professor Trelawney. All sorts of fun can be had. Just to start off: Hermione will marry Krum, Ginny will marry Draco, Harry will name his second son after Voldie (hehehe), and he will end up as Harry’s employee (more hehehe-ing!) ... just use your imagination!