After a year and almost five months, it's still a bit on the difficult side to admit to my heart that Michael is no longer here physically. I never had the chance to tell that I honestly loved him when he was here and I completely regret it. I kept my love for him locked inside my heart, I never let it out. I wish I did, I utterly wish I did. There is so much I wish I had told everyone who walked in my direction, let the words flow. But I was afraid... afraid of what they'd say. I'm not saying this in the way that I was embarrassed to like Michael. I'm saying this in the way that the ones who threw stones (despised Michael)... well I didn't want to get stones thrown at me and watch stones thrown at Michael. I didn't listen to his music as much as I wanted... I was soaked up by what my parents wanted me to listen to - country music (Don't get me wrong, I adore country music!). I also feel I wronged Michael. My insecurity when I was younger overcame me and I wanted to feel better about myself. I said something wrong about Michael a couple of times, "He's scary! I'm going to have a nightmare!" I hate myself for saying this, especially when I never meant it. It's just that I had gotten teased so much when I was younger, about my nose, about hair, and about my stomach. I know this isn't an excuse, but it's true. I insulted myself when I completely figured out what I had said about Michael was disgusting. He was human, his heart bled so easily, he had feelings, and I wasn't mature enough to exactly realize that. But I still loved him, and I do now.