Author’s Note: This is my sixth installment of POM skits. My first was regular link, second was link, third were link, the fourth showcased link in various antics, and the fifth showcased link. This installment is for the Dorski fans and was requested by KowalskiGeekGirl. Any title with a Roman Numeral next to it has a skit note associated with it at the end. I hope you enjoy!
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the beach ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the beach ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet said innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the source of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski said pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to shore and approached the figure. It was a dolphin tangled in a mess of old, tattered crab netting.
“Are you all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The more I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get you out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army knife and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky you were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski said with a smile. “Just a couple more minutes.”
Skipper cut through some more of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up by her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank you so much,” she said turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private said cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he said rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank you for saving me,” she said with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are you awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris dove under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank you so much!” she said happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he said gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t you worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see you boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris dove back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had dove under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper said rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper said rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he said going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time you asked her when she’s already said no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he said regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he said optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One day I’m going to win her heart and become her second husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing you can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris said as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she said wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dolphin said as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have you been? We haven’t heard from you in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give you the details, but I assure you it will be heartstopping,” he said putting a flipper over his heart with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the comment with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are you gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are you doing? Making projects. When are you going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told you that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he said impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching fish so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the fish she’d caught in a crate she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw you last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother commented with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis said holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did you say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris said with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one date with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a second chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the fish in the crate. “Nothing,” he said in a strained voice. “I just lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s desk in the penguin HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he said double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he said impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he said pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The previous night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper said to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the next wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to split up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice said on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper said a few minutes later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the crate at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to move out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor next to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski said to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s love interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper said pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little table making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper said gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also show that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while you were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private said leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private said matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to cross examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing more paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will you quit!” he said angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking or the nerd trinkets gets it,” he said flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he said lunging forward and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the table away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order you to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I said this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may or may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may or may not be inhumane,” he said tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, you know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have more important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper said holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. You know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see you later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking forward to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he said with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up by his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper said rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski said to the young cadet that was sitting next to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest penguin ever. I love you, you little scamp,” he said ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper said from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I love you, too, you crazy nut,” he said reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the seat trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, you beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his seat and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien said trotting beside them. “How could you four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled by an evil dolphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he said examining his paw.
“I’m surprised you even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did you get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could you possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, you can’t choose a password that obvious. Everyone knows about the dolphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your password ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better password than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he said finally. “Well, you look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see you there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the penguin staring back at him. “Come on, you nancy cat. You can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are you doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have you been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when you know you’re just going to trip over all your words when you see her, anyway,” Skipper said impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get you to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t move a muscle. “There’s nothing you can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he said to the wall with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in second place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the penguin weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the porpoise lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he said crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the wall and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he said holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he said before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he said grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he said plopping on the floor by his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get you back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski said curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up by his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! You think this will make the porpoise lady love you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a penguin attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing or two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If you want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! You got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I love you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien said holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a whale every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this porpoise lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do you understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien said backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this penguin irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he said heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let you give me a makeover!” Kowalski said angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, you do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied more than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he said grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing you guys later!” Julien said before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private said narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail you for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper said innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are you gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass or fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how you think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he said propping his head up by his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski said after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he said making a note. He held up the next blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and by centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can you give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the next blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if you put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie said something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The Penguin Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving dinner again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. By the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case you haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The Penguin Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the beach ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the beach ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet said innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the source of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski said pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to shore and approached the figure. It was a dolphin tangled in a mess of old, tattered crab netting.
“Are you all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The more I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get you out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army knife and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky you were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski said with a smile. “Just a couple more minutes.”
Skipper cut through some more of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up by her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank you so much,” she said turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private said cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he said rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank you for saving me,” she said with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are you awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris dove under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank you so much!” she said happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he said gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t you worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see you boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris dove back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had dove under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper said rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper said rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he said going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time you asked her when she’s already said no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he said regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he said optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One day I’m going to win her heart and become her second husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing you can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris said as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she said wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dolphin said as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have you been? We haven’t heard from you in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give you the details, but I assure you it will be heartstopping,” he said putting a flipper over his heart with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the comment with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are you gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are you doing? Making projects. When are you going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told you that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he said impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching fish so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the fish she’d caught in a crate she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw you last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother commented with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis said holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did you say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris said with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one date with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a second chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the fish in the crate. “Nothing,” he said in a strained voice. “I just lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s desk in the penguin HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he said double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he said impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he said pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The previous night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper said to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the next wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to split up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice said on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper said a few minutes later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the crate at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to move out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor next to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski said to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s love interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper said pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little table making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper said gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also show that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while you were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private said leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private said matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to cross examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing more paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will you quit!” he said angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking or the nerd trinkets gets it,” he said flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he said lunging forward and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the table away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order you to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I said this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may or may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may or may not be inhumane,” he said tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, you know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have more important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper said holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. You know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see you later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking forward to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he said with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up by his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper said rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski said to the young cadet that was sitting next to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest penguin ever. I love you, you little scamp,” he said ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper said from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I love you, too, you crazy nut,” he said reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the seat trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, you beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his seat and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien said trotting beside them. “How could you four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled by an evil dolphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he said examining his paw.
“I’m surprised you even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did you get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could you possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, you can’t choose a password that obvious. Everyone knows about the dolphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your password ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better password than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he said finally. “Well, you look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see you there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the penguin staring back at him. “Come on, you nancy cat. You can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are you doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have you been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when you know you’re just going to trip over all your words when you see her, anyway,” Skipper said impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get you to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t move a muscle. “There’s nothing you can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he said to the wall with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in second place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the penguin weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the porpoise lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he said crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the wall and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he said holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he said before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he said grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he said plopping on the floor by his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get you back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski said curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up by his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! You think this will make the porpoise lady love you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a penguin attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing or two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If you want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! You got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I love you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien said holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a whale every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this porpoise lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do you understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien said backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this penguin irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he said heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let you give me a makeover!” Kowalski said angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, you do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied more than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he said grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing you guys later!” Julien said before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private said narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail you for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper said innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are you gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass or fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how you think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he said propping his head up by his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski said after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he said making a note. He held up the next blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and by centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can you give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the next blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if you put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie said something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The Penguin Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving dinner again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. By the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case you haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The Penguin Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
