So let's say you're talking to your friends and gesturing wildly, and because you're not paying attention, you manage to honk some part of a passing stranger's anatomy that is traditionally covered by underpants; spinning around to apologize, you instead topple down a staircase and faceplant into a wedding cake, whereupon you realize that your pants are unbuttoned. Would this be
a.) the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you or
b.) a Tuesday?

Everyone's awkward from time to time, but until now it's been impossible to determine, numerically, just how awkward you are.

Well, this Awkwardness Test is as numerical as they get, because it has numbers, and it's hard to mess up, even if you are still covered in wedding cake. All you need to do is add a point if one of these situations has happened to you in the past month.


•You start to tell a joke ("So this duck walks into a library..."). It turns out to be terribly inappropriate. ("Hey, my brother's in the hospital because of ducks!")

•Impossibly, someone you have a crush on sits down to say hello to you at lunch. You have just crammed an entire cupcake in your mouth.

•Walking down the street, you gradually become aware that you have no idea how to swing your arms.

•You gleefully shoulder your way into a whispered conversation, expecting it to be about juicy gossip. It is about a dead grandma.

•Nobody is laughing at your hilarious story. You panic and keep embellishing until it has killer bees in it.

•You spend far too much time on a text or email exactly flirty and suggestive enough to send to your new SO. You promptly mis-send it to your mom.

•You rush around a blind corner and plow directly into someone cute. Sobbing is involved. Someone requires stitches.

•You text someone with the kind of casual joke-insults you typically use with close friends. Your message is taken too sincerely.


•Attempting to be fun, you grievously wound someone; e.g. your no-look behind-the-back pass breaks your best friend's glasses or face. Add an additional point if your pass misses your friend and ricochets off a baby.

•"Hi, (Firstname!)" some good friend says to you. You respond: "Oh, hey, ...uh...." Seconds pass. Oh my goodness, you think to yourself. Caitlin? Carl? Captain Crunch? I have absolutely no idea what this person's name is. (Add an additional point if all the possible answers collapse
together in your head and come out as something that could not possibly be a name, e.g. "Hi... Clourtleen?")



Tally up your points, one per situation.

0: Impossibly slick. Wow, you are the smoothest person we know! AT LYING, PROBABLY.

1-2: Cool and composed. You are the equivalent of putting on sunglasses and walking away in slow motion.

3-7: Ordinary. You're no more or less awkward than the next person, assuming the next person is not Michael Cera.

8-10: Michael Cera. You're awkward enough that it has become endearing. Consider a film career.

11-12: Michael Cera tripping into a waiter carrying tray of pies. You are the essence of bumbling awkwardness. Purchase good insurance immediately.

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