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1)"Why, do you find me irresistible?"

2)"No, I just dress better than you"

3)"You're a double gay. No returnsies!"

4)"I love the second grade insults, *insert name here*. Honestly, isn't it strange how "gay" has come to replace "stupid"? And so what if I was gay? Insulting my sexual orientation is pointless.

NOW...if a girl says you're gay, and you actually are, I find the best burn is: "At least I can get a boyfriend."

5)Look them in the face with a deadpan expression. Simply say, "Yes. I'm gay," and walk away. Take their thunder away. It's such a juvenile thing to say in the first place.
Or...
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added by xxXsk8trXxx
I just wanna say that I didn't wright this, I just reposted it. so I take on credit AT ALL

1. Take someone's shopping cart and switch the items with stuff from the person next to them's cart
2. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment
3. Smash the person in front of you on the head with a ham
4. Go up to some old geezer & say "Grandpa!!! You're ALIVE!!! It's a MIRACLE!!! etc."
5. Take something from someone else's cart, when they say "hey, that's mine! " call the security and say that the other ... person...
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When you're happy and you know it bomb Iraq
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone's dismissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb...
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posted by invadercalliope
I am your forgotten dream,
Broken and unseen.

I hurt myself,
So I can feel alive.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love,
Love someone else in return.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it,
Cause I might do something crazy like believe it.

Feels like you could kiss my imperfections away,
And I would stand by your side until the sun turns the sky.

I swear to you on everything I am,
And I dedicate to you all that I have,
And I promise you that I will stand right by your side,
Forever and always, until the day I die.

I’m not crying over what you said;
It’s what you didn’t say that...
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posted by ilovepenguins
I didn't write this!


Sell used bus tickets. Claim they are for half the price.

Get on the bus, grinning widely. As soon as the bus begins to move, burst into song. When you arrive at the next stop, stop singing. Step off the bus backwards, still grinning widely.

If you are seated between two passengers, yawn loudly, strech, and put your arms around them.

Greet passengers with a big hug, handshake, smile and say ³Hi, call me Norman²

Put a leash on a friend and walk him/her onto the bus. Insist he/she is a dog and should go for half fare.

When arriving at your stop, do not push the button to...
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posted by Saturnluv39
It is easy to speak and write in Pig Latin, so we all should know how to do it! I'm gonna teach you all how to do it!
1. Put the first letter of the word in the back of the word. If the first letter is a vowel, leave it in the front.

2. Add 'ay' to the end of the word.

example:
1. latin
2. atinl
3. atinlay

example:
1. after
2. after
3. afteray

Now you know how to do it!
Now, if you want to try it out, please translate this sentence into pig latin, and show your results in a comment:
because the web should revolve around you

enter your translation results, and if you win, you get the prize. I will tell the winner on Dec. 2nd, 2009. If you are a winner check everything on your profile.
added by JustHuddy
added by r-pattz
Source: tumblr, where else?
added by popalj
posted by ilovetech29
1."My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
2."Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
3."Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
4."Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
5."Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
6."John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
7."Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
8."Megan...
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Just reading some of the Terminator Quotes through again... and actually found a hint on what happened between Arnold and the maid. Enjoy my version!


Maid: Nice night for a walk, eh?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Nice night for a walk.
Maid #2: Wash day tomorrow? Nothing clean, right?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Nothing clean. Right.
Maid: Hey, I think this guy's a couple cans short of a six-pack.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Your clothes... give them to me, now.
Maid: Fuck you, asshole!
Arnold nods.


I know there are a lot of people making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger since he admitted to his wife that he's not only a cheater but a liar as well. You might get annoyed by it and think "Oh poor Arnie". But honestly? This guy just ASKED for it. It takes a big jerk to have a child with another woman, an even bigger one to keep it a secret for 14 years and the biggest one to only reveal it to his wife after he quit his job so there'd be no damage to his position.
posted by lloonny
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
9....
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INT. A SHOPPING MALL WE'VE USED BEFORE - DAY.

The mall. Teenage girls bury their heads in piles of clothes and giggle. A Sale Sign goes up and they scream. Mothers drag kids by their heels. As the people pass by, they glance uncomfortably at something off-screen then hurry along. The children point, faces uncomprehending.

Pan over to find ZIM and GIR in a dark corner, near a waste receptacle, dressed as clowns. ZIM just stares out evilly at the passing people. GIR simply stares, holding balloons.

ZIM (to GIR)
Look at them, GIR. THEY think we are clowns. But we are not clowns.

GIR gasps in shock....
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posted by KateKicksAss
This is your new mascot. All hail the bunny!
This is your new mascot. All hail the bunny!
Of course, if you are TRULY random, you shouldn't even need a guide, O_O

Randomness, randomosity, randomology, whatever you may call it, is using improvisation to create original humorous phrases or monologues or pine cones on the spot. 'Randomosity' is fun to express in the presence of friends or logging companies, but can quickly become extremely obnoxious. Have fun with your randomness, don't force it. Remember, if you got it, Flaunt it!

Steps

1. Break free of conventional rules. Finishing your sentences is not mandatory, merely optional and you can do it on Tuesdays but not on Wednesdays...
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posted by invadercalliope
When you turn around, who is that behind you?
Bury your claws in the darkness and shred the night
The raindrops turn to drops of blood and trickle down your cheek
If you have no place to return to
Stop on this finger, on this finger of mine
Where the evening cicadas cry in the forbidden forest
You cannot turn back anymore

__________________________________________________

furimuita sono ushiro no sorewa dare
kurayami ni tsume wo tatete yoru wo hikisaita
amadare wa chi no shizuku to natte hoho wo tsutaiochiru
mou dekonimo kaeru basho ga nainara
kono yubi tomare watashi no yubi ni
sono yubi goto tsuretetteageru
higurashi ga naku akazu no mori de
atomodori wa mou dekinai
"An old woman haunted me!"

One night my and by brothers and I were sleeping up stairs while my mom was downstairs reading. I was lying in bed and heard this light stomping sound. Then the stomping sound got a little heavier. Soon, it became so loud that my brothers and I all came out of our room because we were scared. My mom had heard it too and she thought it was one of us playing a joke, but it wasn't - we were all in bed! We had no idea what to make of it and were really freaked out. But then, things got creepier....

"We found her stuff in the attic, her name was Tamara!"

I went over to...
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posted by yoshifan1976
Doctor Mario was in his office when suddenly there was an urgent phone call. It was Daisy. "Mario, come quick. Luigi's very sick." "I'll be there right now, Daisy", Mario told her. Nurse Peach was very concerned. "What's wrong, Mario?" "Luigi's sick", he answered with worry. "Go", Peach told him kindly. "I can take care of things here." "Thanks, Peach". He gave her a kiss and then rode over to Luigi and Daisy's house. Daisy hugged Mario and led him upstairs. "Hey little brother", he smiled at Luigi. Luigi smiled back. He loves his big brother Mario. No one understood the brotherly bond between...
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=)
added by EmzLovesCheryl
added by h2o-fen-site