part 27

I walked back to my room and started writing in an attempt to organize my scattered thoughts.

Dangers: Them losing there tempers, Accidents, Me forcing them to hurt me (example: biting Seth)

Inconveniences: Eating, Sleeping, Phasing, A house

Benefits: Parents, siblings?

Then, something dawned on me. I’d been thinking about the vampires’ strength and speed as a danger. Could the power around me also be a benefit? A protection? It was like trusting a man with a machine gun to protect you. Wise, yet stupid. From what I’d observed Edward, Jasper and Emmett were not the kind of boys to leave any female (human, vampire, werewolf… maybe even freak show human) to face danger alone. That could save me a lot of pain. Was I willing to take that risk? Maybe I was only fishing and maybe the assumption that I would be protected was incorrect, but I hadn't forgotten how the vampires had rushed to my aid when I called on them. More aid then I wanted. I could rely on them for everyday problems. I was almost sure of it.

The next day I was still wondering whether the protection was worth the danger. I might be able to survive life with the Cullens for a few years, but eventually my luck would run out. I had to leave soon. Within the next few days before it got too hard.
I started making moving plans as I had so many times before. Where would I go? I usually had an answer. At the very least a country or a state. I would act on the slightest inclination. Now I could think of nothing. Nowhere to go. I supposed it wasn’t terribly important where I went. I just had to leave before I got myself killed. To run for my life. That’s when it hit me. What life? If I was going to leave the Cullens to preserve my life then I should have a decent idea of what I was protecting. I’d never been the kind to “just have fun” in life. Not was I the kind to take on a huge project. I was no world dictator or mother Teresa. The closest I’d come to having a life worth living was in LA.

In LA, I’d been real close to a group of kids. They all were around the same age I looked. We had each others' backs. No matter what. We could be tough, but generally we were very affectionate. We didn’t have official leaders, but everyone naturally led in certain situations. The only time I took charge was when we had less than three minutes or so to prepare for trouble. Other than that, I was just part of the whole and I thrived. I gave all my time to the whole and in return, I found home. I was loved and protected. Tat was truly a life worth living. I’d been alive for many lifetimes that weren’t.

If I had no clue what to do with my life, why was I so bent on keeping it? I would stay. If they would still have me, I would try. I might even admit that I wanted them for more than a place to be. I wanted Carlisle and Esme to be important in my life. Maybe even like mentors. I wanted that crazy bunch of couples they called their children to hang out with me. Maybe even be my friends. I wanted Renesmee as a friend too.

Now came the hard part... following through on my decision. Was I supposed just waltz up and say I wanted to join. As I was thinking, Alice came walking up toward me. “Have you made up your mind for real this time or will your future shift again in another five minutes?” she demanded. It was a good question. Here was the chance. Sink or swim. "I think I'll try. If you and your family will still have me." I said, my voice shaking. She smiled with the slightest of squeals and hugged me. Jasper was a few yards behind. He took a deep,breath and walked toward us. He put a hand on my shoulder and I flinched. He smiled anyway. "I'm glad" he said before retreating. I could taste all his doubt and fear, yet he wasn't lying about being glad. Maybe he was just happy because Alice was.

We were outside and it was getting chilly. Vampire default was enough without a breeze. As soon as we stepped inside, Edward and Bella came downstairs. I'd grown accustomed to the blur of vampires speeding past me. Edward smiled, knowing what had passed. Bella either read his face or Alice's because she obviously understood. Alice called everyone downstairs. Rosalie guessed quickly and Emmett understood based on his mate's reaction. He laughed hard and advanced toward me. I took a step back, but of course it did no good. Bear hug had a whole new meaning now. It didn't hurt but I felt engulfed. After he set me down. I trembled so hard I nearly fell. Renesmee placed a hand on my face "You're staying?" I couldn't answer.

Edward saved me. "She's going to try." Carlisle and Esme came just in time to hear their son. I shifted my weight self consciously as Esme's face lit up like I'd made her day. Maybe I had. She hugged me gently. Carlisle looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He looked peaceful, like everything in that one moment was perfect. He grabbed my shoulders in a very paternal way and kissed the top of my head "Welcome home" he whispered. At that moment, I wasn't afraid. I felt safe. I knew that my fears would return soon, but at that moment, I was home.